Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Devil's Night

Wrapping up our look at Halloween tracts on this, All Hallow's Eve, we get a sneak peek at Lil' Susy, Bob's juvenile counterpart. She's as narrow-minded and humorless as he is. Lil' Susy has her own series that is geared toward kids and we'll be getting to them eventually; our next tract will be a return to the Bible Series. This tract really gets going with the teacher-bashing, as well, which drives Lita totally bonkers. Me, not so much. :o)

Anyway, join us as we take a final look at Halloween in The Devil's Night. And fill those trick or treat bags with wholesome tracts!

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wurwolf: Isn't that dude on the cover a little old to be trick or treating?

Lita: That's the kids' dad. He's chaperoning.

Lita: And he dressed up so he can feel like one of the gang.

Lita: Definitely not Satan taking control of those children's immortal souls just because they're wearing costumes and asking for candy. That would be tacky.

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wurwolf: Is the snake-eyed witch serving caramel apples without sticks? That's going to be extremely messy.

Lita: It's because she's the teacher. She hates kids and wants them to suffer.

wurwolf: What is the world coming to when you can't even go grocery shopping without encountering Satan's minions?

wurwolf: "I don't like this, Mom." Relax. You're in the grocery store. Just walk to another aisle.

Lita: That little girl's name is Buffy. Think there's any significance to that?

wurwolf: Well, it was a 1990's show, and the tract was written in 2004. I'd say that's on par for Chick Publications.

Lita: I wonder why Buffy's mom requires Buffy to wear a spooky costume. Kid's already scared. There's no reason not to let her be a princess or a kitty cat or something.

Lita: That kid really is a wimp to get creeped out by grocery store decorations.

Lita: Maybe that's why Mom is demanding a spooky costume. She wants to toughen up her puss of a daugher.

wurwolf: I hope her mom's idea of a spooky costume for her daughter is Leatherface.

wurwolf: At least this artist does a better job of drawing people in cars, even if she/he does have the eerie ability to make people look like clipart.

Lita: Those seats look really cushy.

wurwolf: I think they're bean bag seats.

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Lita: Is there even really any point in pointing out that no school would get away with requiring their kids to dress up for and enjoy Halloween?

wurwolf: No, because this takes place in a fantasy world. And I think we all know that.

wurwolf: That teacher is hideous. You just know she's not saved.

Lita: But the principal looks like somebody's kindly uncle. Until you look at his upper lip. I can't tell which part is upper lip and which part is mustache. EVIL!!

Lita: Note that Ms. Henn specifically holds up a picture of THE DEVIL.

wurwolf: That's just how subtle this teacher is.

wurwolf: Is the werewolf kid balding? Maybe he represents the Lollipop Guild.

Lita: He has the same widow's peak as the devil!

wurwolf: Just add some horns and he could be his son.

Lita: "Ms. Henn, why are you holding up a picture of my dad?"

wurwolf: And Princess Leia wants to be a witch! Yeesh, I think these kids are already in costume.

wurwolf: "It looks like all your kids love Halloween." Does she get a bonus in her paycheck if they do?

Lita: I think so. Apparently it's a big pain in the ass for her if they don't.

Lita: Dang. I've been sticking the apostrophe in the wrong spot. It's not 'Lil Susy. It's Li'l Susy.

wurwolf: Oh. I was writing it as Lil' Susy.

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Lita: Is Li'l Susy the JUDGE's granddaughter??

wurwolf: Wow! She sure is!

Lita: "I WON'T dress up like a witch!" Ok. Then don't.

wurwolf: The back of her head looks like a coffee bean with wings.

wurwolf: The teacher didn't need to do much work for her costume. A black bathrobe and a two dollar hat will do the trick.

wurwolf: No pun intended.

Lita: So dressing up for Halloween is a class requirement? I sure hope Ms. Henn doesn't have any poor students.

wurwolf: They must be in a rich school district.

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wurwolf: Ms. Henn lost her glasses. You'd think she would have left them on to see the costumes more clearly.

She only needs to see which costume is the most Satanic. Or, failing that, the least Christian.

So Li'l Susy dressed up like Santy Claus? Ok. #1, why should this enrage Ms. Henn so much? #2, is that option really all that much more "Christian"? I mean, every Christmas we have to hear fundies yelling that we should ignore Santa and remember the real "reason for the season."

wurwolf: In the black & white fundy world, Santa would be akin to a witch.

wurwolf: I sure hope Lil' Susy has some shorts on under that coat. Or at least underpants.

Lita: I was gonna mention that she's not wearing pants.

Lita: She's kind of a lopsided drunk beardless pantless Santa, really.

wurwolf: I was going to bust on her for phoning it in on the costume, but if she was going for a lopsided drunk beardless pantless Santa, then kudos to her.

Lita: Maybe she's actually dressed as "Unkie Bob at the annual Christmas Party"

wurwolf: She'd need to look more like Hitler if she is.

Lita: That's where her attitude comes in.

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Lita: So what's Buffy dressed as? Dead Buffy? Wow. Her mom plays hardball.

Lita: Ok. Tasteless joke incoming. Prepare yourself for tasteless insensitivity:

Lita: That kid in the front isn't wearing a costume. That's just Timmy who they mainstreamed from one of the special classes.

Lita: End of Tasteless Joke.

wurwolf: And you call yourself an educator of today's youth.

Lita: I know a number of educators who would totally bitchslap me for even thinking that joke.

Lita: Li'l Susy really does hate Halloween. Her fists are clenched in rage.

Lita: Behold how good and how pleasant it is for the children to be filled with hate.

wurwolf: This tract was done in 2004 but the clothes are from the 1960's. I used to wear clothes like that when I was in kindergarten.

wurwolf: So yeah, you were right. Buffy is so named because her mom is way into vampire-based programming.

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Lita: Heh. Li'l Susy and Buffy are gonna go buy some drugs.

wurwolf: Yeah, ghosts, monsters and spiders. God created spiders. Way to malign another one of God's creations.

Lita: As for Halloween being all about Satan, here's a link that says otherwise

Lita: I like this quote, "But many Christians resent being told that they are really worshipping Satan when they dress-up their five-year-old as a princess and hand out candy. They know that just as you cannot accidentally worship Jesus, you cannot accidentally worship Satan, either. Worship is an act of volition, and our symbols mean only what we mean by them. Consider Communion, where we ritually eat His body and drink His blood. Without its story it would look just as 'satanic' as Hallowe'en!"

Lita: The big thrust of it seems to be that Halloween started out as a Christian holiday.

Lita: I admit I haven't read the whole thing. My eyes glazed over about halfway through. Hopefully the second half doesn't go all crazy with the gay/black/Jew/what have you-bashing.

wurwolf: It does talk about Jewish people a little further down.

wurwolf: It mentions the festival of Purim. While I never saw anything like some of the things this article mentions in the synagogue where I worked, it sounds like this could all take place within the scope of Purim. They did dress up in costumes and eat hamantaschen like the link says, though.

Lita: Wow. Getting off on a bit of a tangent, aren't we? Let's see what Li'l Susy has to say about Halloween!

Lita: Ah. It started with Satanic Druids. Of course.

wurwolf: Her grandpa explained it to her. And I guess Bob explained it to him. So that explains a lot.

Lita: I'm disappointed in the Judge. Usually he's so supercool.

wurwolf: I'm telling you, he's been totally conquered by Bob.

Lita: Maybe he just hates Li'l Susy and wants her to be hated.

Lita: So he's raising her as the most obnoxious kind of Christian there is: The Bob Kind

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wurwolf: Lil' Susy looks like a young Liza Minelli here.

Lita: Maybe he's going all Miss Havisham on Susy, raising her to have a cold evil heart so she can bring other people the same pain he suffered earlier in life.

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Lita: Saman is calling up the ghosts of frogs and bunnies and dolphins and sperm.

wurwolf: Sperm is especially evil.

Lita: Sperm is only evil when it does not contribute to the conception of a Christian child within wedlock.

wurwolf: Isn't it supposed to be Samhain? When I googled "Saman" nothing even remotely satanic came up.

wurwolf: I like the reindeer dancing by the fire. Maybe that was a reindeerdog you saw in the tract from last week.

Lita: The bear is kind of cool. Was this also the Satanic origin of High School Mascots?

wurwolf: It does kind of look like a pep rally, doesn't it?

Lita: The reindeerdog does seem to be doing a mascot dance

wurwolf: The bear's doing the Hustle.

wurwolf: I think this is a still from Dazed & Confused.

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Lita: Ok, look. The Judge is telling his little granddaughter bedtime stories all about sacrificing little girls to Satan. I have to believe he's up to something.

wurwolf: Maybe the Judge is trying to scare his granddaughter into behaving. You know, like parents tell their kids they're going to get a lump of coal in their stocking if they don't behave before Christmas.

Lita: "Be good or I'll have you sacrificed by the druids on the night of Samhain!"

wurwolf: "Even if we do have plenty of food!"

Lita: Maybe you should use that on your kids.

wurwolf: Maybe I should use it on my husband.

Lita: Wow. Look at Buffy's flat face. I wonder if her scary Satanic mom ties a board to Buffy's face every night to achieve that look.

wurwolf: Are we sure Buffy's not wearing her Halloween costume here?

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wurwolf: In 2004, you can get an ice cream cone from a blonde woman wearing a dress in a drugstore!

Lita: It's late October. A little cold out to be getting ice cream, girls!

wurwolf: Not if you're in Lancaster county. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting an ice cream store there, even in the middle of winter.

Lita: Incidentally, cat swinging is a popular Satanist Halloween tradition.

wurwolf: Lil's Susy's been talking so much she has yet to take a bite of her ice cream cone.

Lita: It's melting all down her hand.

wurwolf: "Well, there's people today serving Satan..." And it's delicious!

Lita: Everything Susy is spewing is complete bullshit, by the way.

wurwolf: You just know it's coming straight from her grandfather.

Lita: "Can I go trick or treating grandpa?" "No! That's a Satanist holiday!" "But I want candy!" "Satanists poison the candy to serve the devil!" "They feed the devil poisoned candy?" "Don't backsass me, you little demon spawn!" "I hate Halloween! I wanna go live with my mom!" "Now I don't have to buy her a costume... Eeeeexcellent..."

wurwolf: That judge is such a cheapo.

wurwolf: "Kids have to be so careful before Halloween" is so coming from her grandfather. He's trying to bend her to his will.

wurwolf: Kids shouldn't go anywhere off by themselves or with a stranger every day of the year, not just around Halloween.

Lita: If multitudes of little children everywhere really were being kidnapped just before Halloween so they could be sacrificed to Satan you'd think we'd hear more missing child reports.

Lita: Instead I mostly hear about children being kidnapped by estranged parents or child molesters.

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Lita: Look at the hate on Li'l Susy's face when she's answering Buffy's question about witches. I think it's just what any parent wants to see shining on the face of her or his child.

wurwolf: How does Lil' Susy know so much about teens everywhere going into white and black witchcraft?

Lita: Joey told her. He knows all about what the local kids are up to.

wurwolf: He's probably got her grandfather's number on his speed dial.

wurwolf: She looks like such a Stepford child when she's talking about teen witches ending up in hell.

Lita: She, like Bob, wriggles with glee every time somebody goes to hell.

Lita: She doesn't want to be in hell with the witches. She might get cooties.

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Lita: Oh, brother. Buffy's never heard of Jesus either. What is the world coming to?

wurwolf: I think Lil' Susy's taking the Lord's name in vain there. "Jesus, Buffy! Do you live under a rock or something?"

Lita: "Goddamit, you ignorant little slut!"

Lita: "Tell me more, Susy" is a command, not a question, Buffy.

Lita: If you people listened to Ms. Henn more often you might know that.

wurwolf: Susy's standing with her finger in the air like Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount pictures.

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Lita: Look at those angels rockin' all the way down to Earth!

Lita: I really dig that picture.

wurwolf: It's so retro!

Lita: It's like a disco!

wurwolf: They're doing the Electric Slide right out of heaven!

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Lita: Not only do angels not allow sinners into Heaven, they're really snobby about it.

Lita: This guy committed the sin of being nekked and having scary leg muscles.

wurwolf: The angel acts like he's the maitre 'd at Le Bec Fin.

Lita: Nice Prince Valient hair, Angel Dude.

wurwolf: Sinner looks so dejected. He's like, "Oh, ok. I guess I'll just go, then."

Lita: Cheer up, Sinner Dude! They're having a badass disco down in Hell!

wurwolf: Disco Inferno!

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wurwolf: "Cuz"? Must we do the little kid speak? Why not just give her a lisp?

Lita: Were turbans a big fashion thing among the Jews and Romans back when Jesus was crucified?

wurwolf: Yes, as were plaid robes, like the one Jesus is sporting there.

Lita: The Devil's got a total caffeine buzz going on there.

Lita: Look at him vibrating around.

wurwolf: He's going to get recognized. Even with the others wearing turbans and plaid robes, he's the only one with red skin and horns.

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wurwolf: I love how the girls are dancing around there.

Lita: They're all holding hands and spinning around in slow-mo

wurwolf: It looks like they're in heaven right now!

Lita: Heaven is a place on Earth when a young lesbian love is blossoming.

wurwolf: Oh so true, sister.

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Lita: Dressing like a triceratops and asking for candy totally pulls kids into witchcraft.

wurwolf: That poor ghost is going to be tripping over his sheet all night.

Lita: I'm glad to see that the Judge was smart enough to include candy with his tracts on Halloween. He knows that only giving out religious material is a one-way ticket to Egg City.

Lita: Is The Little Ghost on the Chick site? That's the tract the Judge is giving to the kids on Halloween.

wurwolf: Yes it is!

Lita: Fang's in it! And so is Badcat!

Lita: I'm glad he knows better than to give them "The Devil's Night." That's just begging for a new TP tree out front.

wurwolf: Comics. Like they're Archie comics or something.

wurwolf: This whole tract is just one big commercial for Chick Publications.

Lita: I thought they wanted to bring me to Christ, but now I see they just wanted me to buy Chick Tracts. I feel so used.

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Lita: "There's comics in here! They'll teach you how to go to heaven!" Don't raise that girl's hopes, Li'l Susy. You already said that all witches go to hell.

Lita: Now I feel bad about dressing as a witch for Halloween that one time in 3rd grade.

wurwolf: "Cool! Thanks!" Oh please. That thing's going in the gutter, along with the peanuts and boxes of raisins.

Lita: And the dental floss.

wurwolf: It's nice that the witch has a ghost to rest her hand on when she's trick or treating.

Lita: What else is a little brother good for?

wurwolf: I like the backgrounds behind Jesus and the old devil. Is Jesus in front of some bubbles?

Lita: You can blow the awesomest bubbles in heaven. In hell all you get is burning brains.

wurwolf: Jesus has a bubble machine. What kid wouldn't want that?

Lita: I'm an adult and I want that.

wurwolf: Too bad, you dressed up as a witch in the third grade. You get burning brains.

Lita: If only I knew Li'l Susy back then. She could have spared me such a fate.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2004 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)


wurwolf said...

Two observations that I missed the first time around:

1. It looks like Lil' Susy had an accident when she was showing off her Santa costume. How else to explain the dark puddle beneath her?

2. Does the Judge ever change his clothes? Or does he have a closet full of crisp white shirts, black bow ties and black eye patches?


no springs said...

"I've got a stone in my shoe . . . and her name is Li'l Susie!" LOL!

"Are there lots of witches, Susy?" "Are you KIDDING? You unsaved idiot!"

wurwolf said...

I've got a stone in my shoe... and his name is No Springs (bw bw)!

I, too, loved the "Are you kidding?" line. I think that when Li'l Susy grows up she changes genders and becomes Bob Williams. Both competely rude and humorless.

no springs said...

Well I've got a stone in MY shoe. . . and his name is Li'l Abner!

I got a kick out of this line when I was skimming the article you linked:
"Somewhere along the way it apparently became customary to hold Church pageants on the preceding evening. Everyone, even the audience, came dressed as their favorite martyred saint. Those who chose Paul, came beheaded."

Lita said...

I had to sub PE today, which is very boring indeed. It's weird, I'm sure, but every time I got really bored I'd just think of that picture of all those angels discoing down to Hell and feel a little bit cheerier. See? Chick tracts CAN be useful!