Tuesday, November 14, 2006


We're back to the Bible Series this week, and we're continuing the Halloween theme with Gladys. This tract is a sequel to a tract we covered a few weeks ago entitled The Nervous Witch. In this tract we find out what happens to Holly and her witchy ways. Enjoy!

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Lita: We already know Gladys sucks because she's one of these relatives who shows up on your doorstep expecting you to house them and wouldn't even think of inconveniencing you by staying in a hotel.

Lita: I have a ton of those and they all stay over here every Christmas.

wurwolf: Exactly. And it looks like Aunt Gladys is here for the Astrology Convention, so we already know she's going to hell.

Lita: Not to mention that hat.

wurwolf: That's a good point. You can be sentenced to hell for showing up for an astrology convention, but you get a pass for extremely bad taste.

wurwolf: Her hat looks like a loaf of bread.

Lita: Or an old bag... kind of like Gladys.

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Lita: Then again I can see why Gladys picked that hat. She needed something to match that outfit.

wurwolf: I think match is too strong of a word. It's a very astrology-ish shirt, anyway.

wurwolf: I'm guessing this woman is going to turn out to be Shirley Shepherd or Helen Williams, since all of these tracts like to use the same characters.

wurwolf: But whoever she is, evidently she was expecting Aunt Gladys, because there's a present wrapped up for her on the couch there.

Lita: There's a porny joke to go with that book title. I was thinking "It's in the Stars: The Paris Hilton Story," but Paris Hilton doesn't have a wang... that we know of...

wurwolf: "It's In the Stars: A Male Prostitute in Hollywood"

Lita: That one does it. Thanks for the assist.

wurwolf: She's "The Amazing Gladys". Is she a magician?

Lita: Magician, psychic, what's the diff? They're all going to hell.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'm ready to agree that she's a prophet of God. Look at that beautiful aura around her.

Lita: Usually only the Bible gives off that much radiance in these tracts.

Lita: Who calls psychics "a prophet of God" these days? Did anybody say anything like that about Jonathan Edwards? Or that pet psychic lady?

wurwolf: Not to my knowledge.

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Lita: Gladys looks starved. Did they just let her out of Auschwitz?

wurwolf: My goodness, just look at her neck.

wurwolf: I know the unsaved have a tendency to look hideous in these tracts, but this is really extreme.

Lita: You know, now that she mentions getting her own talk show I see that Gladys bears a striking resemblance to Rachel Ray.

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wurwolf: Yeah, but I'll bet she's got boobs just like Sandra Lee's.

wurwolf: "I'm so good..." "They'll be thrilled to meet me..." Why is Gladys' biggest sin astrology and witchcraft, and not the sin of pride?

Lita: She's not even all that good at the astrology.

wurwolf: She is good at bragging, though.

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Lita: Helen looks completely different than last time we saw her. When did she get a haircut and develop bitchface?

Lita: Not that bitchface would take long to settle in when you're married to Bob...

wurwolf: I was wondering who Bob's chick was. I think he's stepping out on Helen.

wurwolf: I guess we should just be thankful it's not a male prostitute with a bunch of meth.

Lita: Mystery Hostess did call them "Bob and Helen." Mystery Hostess looks more like Helen than Helen does...

wurwolf: Oh yeah.... I missed that. She is Helen. I guess all those years with Bob have taken their toll.

wurwolf: Or months.... or days. I guess it wouldn't take too long if you're living with Bob.

Lita: Look at Gladys's power of overemoting! Overdose her on speed and she could give Ray Ray a run for her money.

wurwolf: She's so shocked that there could be another prophet of God, she's swallowed her dentures.

Lita: The empty cavity inside her head has caused such a vacuum that her lips are being sucked into the black hole of her skull.

wurwolf: The incoming air into the empty cavity has forced her eyeballs out, too.

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wurwolf: Man, Gladys' niece is totally built. She's got a nice skinny waist and her boobs are huge. You can see them from behind!

Lita: I really want to know who this Hostess with the Mostest is. I'm starting to think she might be Samantha's mom, but then that would make Gladys Bob's aunt, too, and they're acting like they've never met.

wurwolf: And we already know she's not Helen.

Lita: How hard is it to call anybody by name? I guess I can see why Gladys wouldn't because she's a psychic so she has to call everybody "pet" and "darling," but what about Bob? Would it kill the big powerful man to acknowledge the personhood of a woman by calling her by name?

wurwolf: She might be Shirley. She would be a successful prostitute with that figure.

Lita: I wonder if her name is Tommy

wurwolf: Possibly Timmy.

wurwolf: Even sitting on the couch and angry at her niece, Gladys still has an aura behind her.

Lita: Well, it is pretty stupid to throw out your Tarot cards. What do you want, some trash man or homeless person to find them and get possessed? The Nervous Witch taught us that burning any non-Christian paraphernalia is the way to go.

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Lita: Bob is already on the offensive, towering over her with his arms crossed. Then again, it's hard to think of a time when Bob isn't offensive...

wurwolf: Gladys calls her niece "darling", but she calls Bob "dahling".

Lita: Gladys' spirit guide is named George. How lame. Oh, for the happy days of Zanah!

wurwolf: That is the lamest spirit guide name ever.

Lita: I think George is trying to brush Gladys' teeth with his finger.

wurwolf: He's non-corporeal. He should know his mouth-covering tactic will be ineffective.

Lita: Then again, look at that look on his face. Maybe she bit down on his finger so she could keep blathering about her spirit guide.

wurwolf: Is it wrong that I think George is kind of cute? He's like a cross between My Little Pony and the chupacabra.

Lita: He is kind of cute with his big ears and piggy nose. Chick Tracts have the most adorable demons.

wurwolf: They can't draw people to save their lives, but the demons are adorable.

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wurwolf: A big hairy monster is listening outside the window! Run!!

Lita: It's Snuffleupagus!

wurwolf: Oh, then it's okay. No one will see it.

wurwolf: Mystery Hostess has one of those lighthouse lawn ornaments outside her toilet paper roll house.

Lita: Would an astrologer be likely to classify herself as "religious"? Wouldn't she be more likely to say she was "spiritual"?

wurwolf: That's why she's hesitating when Bob calls her religious. She realizes that on some level, he's talking down to her.

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wurwolf: Look at Bob's dumb short tie. He's so behind the fashion trends.

Lita: Like he has any room to be busting on Gladys.

Lita: She's only 20% accurate? Isn't that even lower than just chance?

Lita: I googled "psychic accuracy" in the hopes of finding out what scientists who have studied psychics say is the level of chance, but all I'm getting is advertisements for accurate psychics.

wurwolf: I'm sure James Randi wouldn't take exception to her 20% accuracy claim.

Lita: In any case, since many so-called psychics skirt the accuracy issue by making predictions so vague that it's hard for them to really not be true, it really highlights the crapulence of the 20% rating.

wurwolf: Even angry, George is absolutely adorable.

Lita: He's pulling her cheeks up into a smiley face!

wurwolf: "Let's go to a hotel!" Ew. A George and Gladys coupling.

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wurwolf: I like Jesus' Superman cape.

wurwolf: "Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's the Son of God!"

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Lita: Wow. Jesus had really short arms. I wonder if that was in one of Isaiah's predictions.

Lita: Jesus also has a tiny waist.

wurwolf: Just like Mystery Hostess.

wurwolf: Never one to miss an opportunity to show the gore, Chick tracts happily depicts Jesus' scourging in graphic detail.

Lita: The artist got so into drawing all the gore he really did a terrible job on Jesus, our Lord and Savior. Way to prioritize, Chick Tracts artist.

Lita: Look at George! He's going to purge all over the table!

wurwolf: Bob makes everyone want to throw up, George. No need to stick your finger down your throat.

wurwolf: It will happen naturally.

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I do like the breaking of the fourth wall, here. While Bob continues proselytizing in the background George turns directly to us and gives us the real dirt on Isaiah's predictions.

wurwolf: George is climbing out of the tract to let us know that they blew it.

Lita: I don't know that a demon like George would be all that likely to show the humility it takes to admit he made a mistake in crucifying Jesus. And I think he would be too toadying to say that one of his bosses made the mistake.

Lita: Not to go all Buffy fangirl on you or anything, but in the immortal words of Spike, "If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson and spent the next six hours watching my hand move."

wurwolf: You dork.

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wurwolf: Huh. I didn't think we were getting to the Thanksgiving tract until next week. That's quite a spread they're putting out.

wurwolf: Do you realize that Bob has been standing over Gladys this entire time? Way to make people feel comfortable, Bob.

Lita: He's not just standing over her. He is always waving his finger in her face.

wurwolf: What a douche bag.

Lita: Gladys, I know you're trying to be all cool with that "You tell me" crap, but don't ever ask Bob to tell you anything. He will.

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wurwolf: Could Bob be any more arrogant? He brings up the movie, The Ten Commandments, and when Gladys tries to show she knows what he's talking about, he condescendingly says, "No, Charlton Heston just played Moses in the movie."

wurwolf: No duh, Bob. I think she knew that.

Lita: You mean they didn't get the real Moses to play himself in the movie???

Lita's illusions are shattered

wurwolf: Blame Bob.

Lita: My favorite part of the story of Moses was that time Moses was in that big chariot race.

Lita: And then he became president of the NRA.

wurwolf: I like the part with the monkeys.

Lita: That was Bob's favorite part, too. Especially at the end when Moses is standing next to the head of like the sphynx or something, and he was all like, "YOU BLEW IT UP!! DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!"

Lita: But then I heard that Moses ate some people and that kind of put me off of him.

wurwolf: He didn't realize he was eating people, though.

Lita: Yeah, but I bet by the time he made the realization he'd grown a taste for them.

Lita: He'd be like, "Yeah, I know it's people, but I'm hungry and there's nothing else in the house except that old can of creamed corn!"

wurwolf: It's an easy choice to make.

Lita: Moses would agree.

wurwolf: Why is Charlton Heston standing behind a rock when he addresses the crowd?

Lita: He was shy. That's why he wanted his brother Fred Heston to speak for him.

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wurwolf: Wait... what is Bob talking about? "Because what he said did not come from God. In other words, he lied!"

wurwolf: Who is he talking about?

Lita: That prophet that Charlton Heston was talking about.

wurwolf: Wasn't Moses talking about false prophets in general, and not a specific one?

Lita: So's Bob, I think.

Lita: It's really sloppily put together.

wurwolf: It really is.

Lita: I like that lying puts the prophet in with witches and wizards and those who talk with familiar spirits. But really apparently the only problem Bob has with psychics is that they're wrong a lot of the time. So to Bob, the only bad psychic is a bad one.

wurwolf: What the hell! Is that a carrot sticking out of George's mouth or is he happy to see Bob?

Lita: That's really gross, George. I'm disappointed in you.

wurwolf: Why did the artist make George's tongue look like a wiener?

wurwolf: A pointy wiener, anyway.

wurwolf: And why is George offended by Bob saying that witches and wizards are an abomination to God? You'd think he'd be pleased by that.

Lita: He should be bragging about how many witches he's brought to hell.

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Lita: I like how Bob's smiling while he tells Gladys all about her future in Hell. He loves giving this kind of news.

Lita: Notice how he's not even bothering to tell her how she can avoid going to Hell. He's so happy she's going to burn.

wurwolf: I like how the angel is pitching the dude into the lake of fire. Really no effort involved.

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Lita: So now, almost at the end of the tract, we find out the Mystery Hostess's name. Sandy.

wurwolf: Her sponsor?

Lita: Is Gladys a starving child or something?

wurwolf: I guess she means the person who made it possible for her to speak at the astrology convention.

wurwolf: You'd think Gladys' sponsor could pony up for a hotel room so she wouldn't have to bunk with relatives.

Lita: Sandy is only too happy to hand over the phone and get Gladys out of her house.

wurwolf: No trying to talk her out of it.

Lita: Turns out Holly is Gladys' sponsor. I thought Holly was a teenager, but now she looks to be in her 40's.

wurwolf: She's sponsoring Gladys Glump, The Amazing Prophet!

wurwolf: What an awful name.

Lita: She gets a crappy name because she's not saved.

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Lita: Bob hates Gladys so much he doesn't even care about Fang jumping all over her in the driveway.

wurwolf: I love that Fang hates everyone. He's such a crank.

wurwolf: Holly's all pushed up into the dashboard, too. The people in these tracts must be driving cars like this.

Lita: Actually, Bob didn't say anything about Gladys turning to Jesus. He mentioned Jesus and His death, but didn't give the whole "love gift" spiel he usually gives.

wurwolf: True, he didn't share the good news with Gladys. So all of this is his fault.

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Lita: Holly put a death curse on Bob. A step up from a powerful love spell, but considering that Bob is still breathing I'd say that Holly is still the lamest witch ever. Even so, I like how she's so offhand with her admission. "Yeah, he was harshing my groove, so I put a death curse on him."

Lita: How could Holly miss the huge double tanker driving right in front of her? Those things are so slow.

Lita: Ok, I know, obviously she didn't miss it. But I mean how could she not see it coming?

wurwolf: Maybe she was turned and talking to Gladys without her eyes on the road for like five minutes straight, like they do on TV.

wurwolf: The artist missed the chance to show Holly's disembodied head flying through the air.


Lita: I wouldn't think George would be so thrilled that these two are dead. Think of how many people they could have led astray. It's not like either of them were planning to talk to Bob again anytime soon.

wurwolf: He could've gotten a lot of mileage out of them.

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wurwolf: Man, that angel must be so bummed that he's got hell duty again.

Lita: Ok... So Gladys and Holly are wearing clothes at the crash site, but then are nude in the very next panel. That angel works fast!

wurwolf: How come they have to be naked but Roger and Tommy get to wear their crappy sweaters for all of eternity?

Lita: The artist wanted to draw some naked ladies.

wurwolf: As we've already learned in Chick tracts, all non-Christian materials should be burned. I guess that includes Holly and Gladys.

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Lita: So this judgment scene is pretty much Roger's judgment scene, but they added another doomed figure to the clipart.

wurwolf: Yeah. And not to quibble with the Lord, but Bob never did deliver the salvation message to Gladys.

Lita: Not really. He glossed over it, at best.

wurwolf: The angel's standing there like, Dude. You're talking to them, right? You're not talking to me. Right?

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Lita: Hey! What a gyp! This is practically the same "angel nonchalantly tossing sinners into Hell" scene as the "angel nonchalantly tossing sinners into Hell" scene we got a few panels ago!

wurwolf: Don't be so quick to judge. If you look carefully you can see that the artist redrew each scene individually. It's not just clipart.

Lita: I stand chastened.

wurwolf: Well, you should have known better. If Chick Tracts are devoted to anything, it's quality.

Wow. Holly's kind of hot when she's being cast into Hell.

Lita: ...or is that Gladys?

wurwolf: It's hell! They're both hot!

wurwolf: *ba dum bump*

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)


Rimmi said...

"He's like a cross between My Little Pony and the chupacabra."


Good one!

Won't Bob go to Hell for not telling Gladys at all about salvation? He had an opportunity and he skipped it in favor of letting her burn in the lake of fire. What an ass.

Tork_110 said...

The lake of fire is REAL!!!

Suddenly I have Plan Nine's Criswell in my head. "Can you prove it isn't real?"


no springs said...

Not only is Aunt Gladys' hat hideous, but it looks suspiciously like . . . A WITCH'S HAT!!!

"Gladys' spirit guide is named George. How lame. Oh, for the happy days of Zanah!" - LOL!!!

this was a really fun one. great job, ladies!

ns (bw bw)