Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Who Cares?

Yes, we know we've had quite the hiatus. That damn Fallen tract just beat the shit out of us, and frankly, we (read: wurwolf) haven't wanted to get back up on this particular horse that threw us. But we refuse to let ourselves be bested by the likes of Bob Williams, so here we are again, ready to perform our public duty to all three of our faithful readers. This time around we join Chick Publications as they exploit the memory of the World Trade Center attacks to serve their own agenda in Who Cares.

Also, I should again mention that neither one of us are very familiar with Islam. What rebuttals we were able to offer were only found by a quick Google search. So if we're speaking out of turn or offending anyone, we sincerely apologize.

One more thing: big ups and mad props to our buddy, Rimmi, for contributing some killer lines! (Not that I'm going to tell you which ones.)

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wurwolf: Shall we discuss the tastefully-drawn cover, with the plane just getting ready to fly into the first tower?

Lita: Oh, sweet weeping Jesus on the cross.

Lita girds her loins

wurwolf: This oughta be good.

Lita: Oh, no. It's going to be bad. It's going to be very, very bad.

Lita: I thought our last tract was the worst thing ever, but although I haven't read it yet, I think this tract may turn out to be the worst thing ever.

wurwolf: I have every expectation that this tract will treat Muslims fairly and with an open mind.

wurwolf waits to see how Lita reacts.

Lita: I have every expectation that before the end of this tract Bob will try to open a Muslim's mind with a claw hammer.

wurwolf: This tract has a publish date of 2002, so I guess this is Chick Publications' knee-jerk reaction to the terrorist attack.

Lita: Did you know that this is our 20th Bible Series tract?

wurwolf: Are you kidding? We've managed to keep at it this long without going completely insane?

Lita: That's not counting the holiday tracts.

Lita: I wonder if Chick Publications waited to make this one 20 on purpose. A big anniversary number for a big assy tract.

wurwolf: I'm sure they wanted this one to stand out.

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wurwolf: Is anyone else seeing faces in the smoke?

Lita: I see an angry guy with a beard and mustache in the smoke coming off the right tower on the tv mama's watching down there. He looks kind of Middle-Eastish.

wurwolf: I see the Cowardly Lion looking down over lower Manhattan.

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wurwolf: Again, I have very little knowledge of Muslim culture, but do women really wear burkas in the United States? I work in New York City, where you see lots of people in Muslim attire. I've yet to see a woman in a full black burka.

wurwolf: Head coverings, yes, but not the full burka.

Lita: I live in a small town in Northern California and we don't get many Muslims around here. So I wouldn't really know.

Lita: I guess we can be thankful that these two aren't being shown rejoicing in this attack upon the Great Satan.

wurwolf: Chick Publications is showing unusual restraint here.

Lita: But who will protect you, mama? I'll tell you who. Jesus Christ, that's who!

Lita: But first you need to be shown why your religion is irreparably evil and bloodthirsty. At least, that's where I think this is gonna go.

wurwolf: It certainly seems likely.

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Lita: Random people in the tower are yelling about the death toll and their life there? I'll bet your life will never be the same. You're standing in a collapsing tower.

wurwolf: I know Chick Publications loves the gore, but this is a bit much. It's one thing to draw Jesus suffering on the cross (where He suffered voluntarily), it's another thing to draw people jumping out of the towers. Especially since this was published in 2002 and the attacks were still so fresh in our hearts.

wurwolf: On the plus side, it affords us another opportunity to look for things in the smoke. I see a bunny!

Lita: I see a still-beating human heart!

Lita: And a horsey!

wurwolf: There's an eagle!

Lita: Is that... Fang?

wurwolf: I knew Fang was a terrorist!

Lita: I would have expected it from Badcat... but Fang?

wurwolf: I love the way the artist draws people pointing. It's never clear to me whose finger it is.

Lita: Especially since the hand is always hidden behind dialogue balloons.

Lita: Omar really should capitalize "Mama." He's using it as her name, not as a description of what she is.

Lita: As I recall, lots of people took that day off regardless of whether they were Muslim or not.

wurwolf: The city was shut down for days. Particularly in lower Manhattan. Obviously.

Lita: We were in California. It was a school day, but the University sent everybody home.

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wurwolf: Wait... why is an obvious Islamic guy giving the news report about the terror attacks?

Lita: I think it's supposed to be a picture of Osama Bin Ladin. Or maybe Moses.

wurwolf: I was thinking he was a dead ringer for Abraham.

Lita: Firefox's spellcheck wants to know why I'm talking about Osama Bin Ladin, by the way. It would much rather I talk about Osaka Bin Latin.

wurwolf: Omar has to go to work today because he's out of money. Does he get paid every day?

Lita: Great. Now that Omar has Allah's blessing upon him we know he's about to get mauled. And we know Bob loves it when bad things happen to good people.

wurwolf: Omar's reaction to his mother's wish that Allah protect him tells you what's going to happen.

Lita: I think mama's choking, though.

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Lita: Fang hates Muslims.

wurwolf: He's spitting all over Omar.

Lita: Also, "Shame on you"? If you're going to boycott somebody's shop because of their ethnicity, is that what you say to them as you walk by? Shame on you for being of Arabic descent? Like Omar woke up one day and decided to be brown?

wurwolf: Really, that "Shame on you" can only be taken one way. Omar didn't fly the planes into the buildings.

wurwolf: What kind of shop does Omar have? He's selling pictures of sunglasses.

Lita: Payback probably bought those shades from Omar. He should be ashamed of himself.

Lita: Also, what a totally cool dude, wearing his sunglasses inside.

wurwolf: He's in disguise.

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wurwolf: Santa and his posse came in to totally bitchslap Omar.

Lita: Ok, I'm about to reveal my total U2nerdosity here, but...

Lita: Payback looks like the bastard child of Bono and Larry Mullen Jr. The dude on the left with no lines looks like the monstrous mutant manchild of Adam Clayton and The Edge.

wurwolf: Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrd!

Lita: Whoever drew this must have been reading lots of naughty U2 fanfics online to get the idea for those two.

wurwolf: Oh yeah, that's what happened, Lita. The artists at Chick Publications are huge U2 fans.

Lita: As much as I hate to admit it, U2 is pretty much the goto band for Christians who normally only listen to Christian music but want to go slumming in mainstream rock for a while. Though I believe there's an anti-Christian Rock tract somewhere on the Chick Tracts site.

wurwolf: Can't wait for that one.

wurwolf: "My cousin died in the tower because of you people! Oh, by the way, can I get some Tylenol and Wacky Packs?"

Bob needs to buy some more batteries for his electric Bible thumping device.

wurwolf: Is Bob in New York City? Or is Omar's located in Gaydonia?

Lita: Bob must need some really special fantastic batteries that are only sold in New York. Or maybe that dude's cousin lives in New York, but he's actually in Gaydonia.

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wurwolf: That's a small truck for three fat guys to try and fit into.

Lita: We know those guys at least have some tiny flicker of intelligence buried somewhere in all the fat in their heads because when Bob asks them what's up they wisely ignore him.

wurwolf: Santa's twirling his fist in the air. Whoo!

Lita: "What's this?" It's a Muslim guy crawling around on the floor in a pool of his own blood. I thought you'd have been able to identify that, Bob. Now will you call freakin' 911? Or is Omar, like Shirley Shepard, not worth it?

wurwolf: Poor Omar is so beat up he forgot the #1 rule when Bob enters your life: Do Not Engage.

Lita: I guess poor Helen forgot that one too.

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wurwolf: Bob must be the richest person alive. He can afford to pay for Omar's medical bills?

Lita: Hey! A black man who isn't a pimp, a drug dealer, or a baptist minister! Who knew those existed?!

wurwolf: Shocking! But as progressive as that is, we can't have a man of Arab descent thinking that Americans are anything other than infidels. Even if he does live here and own a shop.

Lita: I guess when people would come into his shop before the attacks and buy stuff he'd make nice but secretly be thinking "infidels".

wurwolf: Maybe Fang's owner had a point.

Lita: I wonder if he'd ever slip and when that lady would show up to buy her toothpaste he'd be all, "Thank you Mrs. Infidel! Come again, and please bring your filthy American swine-child too!"

Lita: It really doesn't fit with the picture of this guy that we've gotten before now. I suppose the point the tract is trying to make is that all Muslims hate all non-Muslims, even if they act nice to you. So you probably shouldn't trust them.

wurwolf: Exactly. That's the subtle racism of this particular viewpoint. On the surface it looks like they're portraying Muslims in a sympathetic way, but they undercut it with their assertion that all Muslims secretly think Americans are infidels.

wurwolf: And I think the black doctor is a plant, to show that Muslims think all Americans are infidels, not just white people.

wurwolf: Because when it comes to every day life, white people and black people are separate. But when it comes to someone thinking the worst about other people, it's suddenly a shared experience.

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Lita: Lovely how Bob openly admits to Omar that he's the enemy.

wurwolf: What did Omar ever do to Bob to make him think that?

Lita: He was born in another country and raised in a different religion. Therefore, Omar is Bob's enemy.

Lita: I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, Omar. Bob is everybody's enemy.

Lita: I'm amazed Bob was willing to buy batteries from Omar. The bible doesn't tell you to buy batteries from your enemy.

wurwolf: Omar must have been the only battery seller in town.

wurwolf: I love how nonchalantly Omar tosses off that Bob's an infidel. "You're an infidel! No offense."

Lita: I like Omar. Even if he does think I'm an infidel.

wurwolf: He seems like a nice enough guy. Even if he secretly thinks I'm the Great Satan.

Lita: I'd buy pictures of sunglasses from him.

Lita: I like that Omar is only listening to Bob because he's talking about Jesus. If Bob wanted to tell Omar about something his mom taught him, Omar would be all like, "Shut your stupid infidel face!"

wurwolf: Omar, that's something you should remember to say when dealing with Bob, no matter what he wants to tell you.

wurwolf: In fact, I'm remembering that line if Bob ever calls me up.

Lita: The hospital needs to prune their infidel bushes.

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wurwolf: Someone in the trunk is asking Bob what Jesus taught him.

Lita: Omar keeps calling Bob "Mr. Williams" and "Bob Williams." I'm guessing it's because he's foreign. I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky he's not calling him "Williamsbobwilliams."

wurwolf: I'd have more respect for Omar if he called him "Blowhard Bob Williams".

Lita: Ok... This is a real question. Bob tells Omar that Jesus cannot lie, and then tells him that Jesus told a story about the good Samaritan. Is he trying to say that that story really happened? Because Jesus Himself didn't present it as a true story.

wurwolf: Hopefully Omar knows that Bob is talking about a story in the parable sense.

Lita: How would he? Bob didn't tell him that.

wurwolf: Then Bob's on the hook for implying that Jesus is a liar.

wurwolf: The dude who got beat up looks like a bearded Rosie O'Donnell after a bender.

wurwolf: And yet bearded Rosie O'Donnell managed to hang onto her bag of chips.

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Lita: The story itself, though, is just the basic good Samaritan story. I don't have much of anything to say about it.

wurwolf: Neither do I, except that I think the part of the Samaritan is being played by Bob himself.

Lita: He looks hateful enough.

wurwolf: He would cast himself as the hero.

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wurwolf: How come Omar is suddenly a foot shorter than Bob?

Lita: The bad guys broke his shins. Now his legs are telescoping into themselves.

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Lita: Up close we can see the guys who beat up Omar gave him a nasty wet willy.

wurwolf: It also looks like they took a chunk out of his neck.

Lita: Again Bob goes back to harping on the lying thing. He knows he's talking to a foreigner who can't be expected to remember anything for more than three panels.

wurwolf: Maybe Islam doesn't mention Jesus specifically, but I'm sure it has something in there somewhere about it being the only true religion and all others are false.

Lita: I do know that Islam really does respect Jesus as a major prophet. It just doesn't regard Jesus as the son of God. Islam believes that Mohammad came after Jesus and he is the final prophet.

Lita: That's about the limit of what I know. I'm not a big Islam expert in any way.

wurwolf: I'm not sure if I follow Bob's logic here. He's asking if prophets tell lies, and then asks if Islam says that Jesus lied. Didn't Omar already agree that Jesus was at least a prophet and that Islam teaches that prophets don't lie? And then how does Omar make the leap that Jesus is more than a prophet?

wurwolf: Maybe it's Omar's logic I'm not following.

Lita: Well, Omar did just get kicked in the head a few times. And Bob used his hypno-eyes.

wurwolf: That must be it.

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wurwolf: You can tell this is Gaydonia. Some dude with a bag of groceries is mincing around behind Omar.

Lita: I don't know about that, since Malcolm has made it illegal to be femmy in Gaydonia. This guy and his tranny wife are taking a big risk.

Lita: I do like how Bob just zooms right over Jesus healing the blind man like, "Big whoop. No big deal."

wurwolf: Jesus did that stuff every day.

Lita: Usually that's the big focal point of that story. It's not, "Jesus healed a blind man and then..." it's "Jesus healed a BLIND man!! And then..."

wurwolf: It doesn't matter to Bob's story, so he glosses right over it.

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wurwolf: Maybe I can buy Omar not knowing Jesus is the Son of God a little more than I could buy some dumb white guy who grew up in Gaydonia, but only just barely.

Lita: Check how Bob says, "God (not Allah) loves you..." So not only is he making the point that Allah isn't God, but also that Allah doesn't love Omar.

wurwolf: I'm surprised he restrained himself from calling Allah a douche bag.

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wurwolf: Where is Bob getting his assertion that Allah doesn't love his people?

Lita: I'd think that would be a bit much for a real Muslim to put up with right then. I'd think it would be more reasonable to give out the main message that Jesus is the Son of God and then later on, after the guy accepts, explain that you don't think your God and Allah are the same deity.

wurwolf: But, because this is a Chick tract, we find out how really easy it is to push over the other person's religion.

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Lita: I was going to gripe about the spelling of Mohammed, but it turns out there are lots of ways to spell it.

Lita: Is that the same woman and her kid from the beginning of the tract? If it is, it looks like they replaced Fang already.

wurwolf: Fang never lasts long with any one family. They're just coming back from taking him to the pound and replacing him with this new dog.

Lita: Dogs are disposable fashion accessories in Gaydonia.

Lita: Shame on them, then.

Lita suddenly wonders how Mohammed died

Lita: From Wikipedia:

Lita: After ignoring Muhammad's preaching, the elites in Mecca, commercially threatened by the growing popularity of his message, persecuted Muhammad and his followers. This continued, and intensified, over more than a decade. The hardships reached a new level for Muhammad after the deaths of his wife Khadija and his uncle Abu Talib, an important political protector of Muhammad. Eventually, in 622, he left Mecca in a journey known to Muslims as the Hijra (the Migration).[4] He settled in the area of Yathrib (now known as Medina) with his followers, where he was the leader of the first Muslim community.

Lita: Eight years of war between Muhammad and Meccan forces followed, ending with the Muslim victory and conquest of Mecca. The Muslims subsequently removed everything they considered idolatrous from the Kaaba. Most of the townspeople accepted Islam. In March 632, Muhammad led the pilgrimage known as the Hajj. On returning to Medina he fell ill and died after a few days, on June 8.

Lita: So no. He wasn't martyred. But he didn't exactly live in the lap of luxury either. It would be easy to take from what Bob said that he didn't suffer for his religion, but he did.

wurwolf: As far as Bob is concerned, only Jesus ever suffered. And suffering = love.

Lita: In the immortal words of The Offspring, "The more you suffer the more it shows you really care."

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Lita: Is Bob trying to imply that Allah doesn't offer his followers the hope of Heaven? Because even an ignorant infidel like me knows that's not true.

wurwolf: Where is Bob getting his information from? Where did he ever hear that Allah offers no forgiveness?

Lita: Basically this argument is starting to boil down to "My God's heaven is better than your god's heaven."

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wurwolf: And of course, Omar's religion is so false and transparent that he is easily able to get rid of it and latch on to Bob's.

wurwolf: Omar gets saved and loses his bandages, all at once!

Lita: Well, Jesus does have healing powers.

wurwolf: And if we've learned anything from Chick tracts, we've learned that all of your problems go away once you get saved.

Lita: Omar's conversion is making me feel sad. I can't put my finger on why. Maybe just because he couldn't see through Bob's lies about his own religion.

wurwolf: I can understand that, because it represents fundamentalist Christianity's desire to steamroll anything that is different and make it all the same.

Lita: And now that Omar is saved he can take off his evil Muslim hat.

Lita: This final panel is reminding me of Bob's trip to the holy land, where he and Hunter S. Thompson got all their stuff stolen. Nobody's stealing Omar's hat, though.

wurwolf: It would make a nice bowl. I might steal it.

wurwolf: Omar's mama is gonna be pissed when Omar gets home.

Lita: "I told you not to get beat up by the infidels! I didn't tell you to become one of them!"

wurwolf: Omar: Hey mama, guess what I learned today?

Lita: Omar: Mama, here's some money. Get rid of that burka and go get yourself a big hairdo.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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Sunday, January 28, 2007

For the Curious Among You...

A few people have asked me to post my Chick Chart so they can see what my table of Chick Tract characters looks like. I haven't yet because I haven't really had anywhere to upload my document for easy viewing... until now!

Well, actually it wasn't all that easy. Google's document manager is a pain in the butt. Formatting tables is a pain in the butt. Saving and publishing and naming your document is a pain in the butt. But I got it uploaded and you might even be able to read it! (Like I said, the formatting is a pain in the butt.)

The list only covers characters in the Bible Series, so characters in other tracts we've done, like the various holiday tracts, won't be covered. Fang and Badcat aren't in there either, since they appear in so many tracts. I plan to keep updating as we continue through the series, so you may want to keep checking back if you're interested.

Anyway, should you want to check it out, here is my Chick Chart.

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007


Dark times have fallen upon the once great City of Gaydonia. Gone are the days when a man could freely parade down Main Street in a pair of pumps, a jester's hat, and a leather bikini. In Malcolm's new police state a man fears even to lisp lest he feel the cold iron grip of the Law clamp down on his shoulder.

This tract has far less interesting fish to fry, though, in the form of a terrible lazy lout and the mother he drove to insanity. Honestly, she'd probably have been better off strangling him at birth. Come join us as we take a look at Chick Publications' stirring plea for the legalization of postpartum abortion in Fallen.

Lita: Are these the bikerhobos that Sweater Timmy was hanging out with in Happy Halloween?

wurwolf: I don't know about the bikerhobos, but it certainly is the usual assortment of Chick Publications bad guys.

Lita: You have to give them credit, though. It is the rare bikerhobo who will actually give you an old lady's purse.

wurwolf: It was extremely thoughtful of them to do that.

wurwolf: And it was nice of them to offer a going away present, even if they didn't actually buy anything. It's from the heart.

Lita: I wonder if Joey's called the cops on these guys yet.

wurwolf: As we speak.

wurwolf: That's the weirdest sunroof I've ever seen. It's right in the back of the car. Either that, or someone punched a hole in the roof and the guys friends are using it to wave a friendly goodbye.

Lita: Wearing a woman's handbag is now a get-checked-out-by-the-policeable offense.

Lita: Of course, considering some of the police we've seen in previous tracts, that could have a couple of meanings.

Lita: The passenger cop has a nice fauxhawk coming along.

wurwolf: He worked all morning on that fauxhawk, so it's nice of you to notice.

wurwolf: Fang and Badcat are, of course, on the scene.

Lita: And the mouse is hiding out in the trashcan.

wurwolf: The police are not buying the "she let me borrow it" defense, as evidenced by the handcuffs.

Lita: They handcuffed the guy just for having a woman's purse. Have these people never heard of probable cause? This town *is* quite close to the City of Gaydonia, after all.

wurwolf: Maybe now that Malcolm is running the place you really can get arrested for being too femmy.

Lita: All the flies buzzing around our bemulleted hero are wearing tiny handcuffs, too.

wurwolf: I like that the officer specifies that it's an alligator purse.

wurwolf: My kids are 13 and 14, and even I don't refer to them as adorable babies. I think it, but I'm not about to tell some cop on the phone that.

Lita: Mullet's mom is freaking crazy. Look at her eyes. Also she's grinning from ear to ear while talking about her precious boy who ran away from home and she doesn't know where she is. Finally, 26,000 DOLLARS??? She's carrying that around in her purse??

wurwolf: That's crazy. Who carries around $26,000? I could see $5,000, and even that's pushing it. But $26,000? Crazy.

Lita: I would only carry anything over 200 dollars if I have something in mind to spend it on in that very trip.

wurwolf: Exactly. Once again, Chick Publications are stretching the limits of realism.

Lita: They already stretched it all out when they arrested a guy for carrying a purse.

wurwolf: Officer Davis? Like Sammy Davis Jr.? Why not just name him Officer Jefferson?

Lita: At least he's not a drug dealer.

wurwolf: Oh sure. Doesn't everyone blame their mother for giving birth to them?

Lita: It sounds like Mullet had a really rough time at home, too. A guy can only stand being called "My sweet Broosey Woosey" so many times a day.

wurwolf: True dat.

Lita: So Mom is going to bail Brucey Woosey out? What for? What was his crime? We've only been told he got arrested for being in possession of a woman's purse. We were never told that he's being held on any other charges.

Lita: It was only after he was arrested that they discovered that the purse wasn't his to begin with. And the purse's owner isn't pressing charges. So why does he need to be bailed out?

wurwolf: We're in the Chick Publications fantasy world again, I guess.

Lita: Now that Malcolm's running Gaydonia are people routinely held for no reason at the police department with no way to get out until the family pays the bail/ransom?

wurwolf: It's really the only explanation.

wurwolf: It's weirding me out, but in jail there, Brucey Woosey looks like my first boyfriend.

Lita: My first boyfriend looks like Ken Jennings.

wurwolf: I like the disembodied fist shaking in the air. It's like Thing is in the jail cell, too.

Lita: Thing was arrested for having suspiciously nice fingernails.

Lita: I don't suppose it's probably surprising to anybody that this frame reminds me of my grandmother and a certain degenerate cousin of mine?

wurwolf: It's not surprising at all. Hell, I was waiting for it.

Lita: Bob's outside chopping wood like the manly man he is. No danger of HIM getting arrested!

wurwolf: He's doing what all men are supposed to be doing.

Lita: Broosey Woosey's dad looks like Fat Orville Redenbacher

wurwolf: At first I thought the dad was Joey.

wurwolf: Brucey Woosey's worst sin? He's totally evil and laughs at God. Not that he stole $26,000.

wurwolf: Man, it takes Bob three hours to pray over the phone? Remind me never to give him my number.

Lita: If you have to be reminded not to give Bob your number then you deserve what you get.

wurwolf: But really, just how much did Bob have to say in his prayer? Three hours is a long time, even just to have a conversation.

Lita: "Lord, before I begin, allow me to read you a passage from the Psalms. Chapter 1..."

wurwolf: My prayers are all hit and run. "God, please let me find a parking spot. Amen."

Lita: Looks like Brucey Woosey roughed Mom up a bit before he left her at the airport.

Lita: Did Mom ring the doorbell to get into her own house? I told you she was nutbunnies.

wurwolf: Maybe she gave Brucey the keys, too.

Lita: I bet Bob isn't even off the phone yet. The doorbell rang so Dad went to answer it and just let Bob keep going.

wurwolf: He just put the phone down and let Bob go.

Lita: Eww! Is some greasy old pervert listening in on Bob's phone prayer marathon??

wurwolf: It's a sick individual who would get kicks from Bob's prayer-a-thon.

Lita: I suppose it's easier when you know it's happening to somebody else.

Lita: Broosey Woosey sure gets beat up a lot.

wurwolf: See, this is why the mafia gets stuff done. Bob takes three hours to pray on the phone, and is probably still going. The mob? They're there in twenty minutes.

Lita: Frankenstein EMT Dude, nobody cares if you have a pulse! The guy's asking you if Brucey is alive!

wurwolf: His head says Frankenstein, but his clothes say Edward Scissorhands.

wurwolf: Thank goodness they took the opportunity to explain what quadriplegic means. Heaven forbid anyone take out a dictionary.

wurwolf: But why didn't they explain pneumonia? I MUST KNOW!

Lita: Oh, no. Bob's in the hospital. This can lead to no good.

Lita: Broosey Woosey is at least showing some survival instincts at last. "Hi, Bruce! Do you remember me--" "NO!"

wurwolf: Oh gross. "Back in those days, you were such a tender boy..." Bob is the perviest perv ever.

Lita: "You had such soft, supple skin back then. Not yet ravaged by the ravages of age... or puberty..."

Lita: And here Bob comes again with his stunning instinct for sensitivity to the situation. "I'm gonna tell you something that will save your neck!"

wurwolf: I'm surprised he didn't say, "I have news that will have you jumping for joy!"

wurwolf: Bruce's hair is stubbornly straight.

Lita: Bob calling the prodigal son's wishes to get his inheritance before his dad was dead "a bad move" bugs me for some reason.

wurwolf: I don't see why it would be a bad move. What if he wanted that money to invest in a house or something?

Lita: I think it's just the wrong thing to call it. In the culture of the times, asking for such a thing was the same as telling your father you wish he were dead. I don't know if I would call that "a bad move" An asshole move, sure.

wurwolf: Bob makes it sound like it's imprudent.

Lita: Yes. Maybe Bob means it's bad as in evil, which would be true. But that's an entirely different kind of "bad" than his phrasing makes it sound like. Maybe if Bob ever paid attention in his evil non-Sunday school he would have learned about connotations and how words and phrases can take on extra meaning in addition to their literal dictionary meaning.

wurwolf: Come on. You really think Bob cares about connotations? He's the most literal fundy ever.

wurwolf: I think it's funny that Jesus chose the youngest child as the one who didn't care about other people's feelings and ran off with his parent's money. As the youngest child in my family, that totally sounds like something I'd do.

Lita: Well, Jesus was the oldest child in His own family.

wurwolf: I guess Jesus' youngest brother was a pain in the ass.

Lita: Well, think about it. Your big brother is Jesus Christ. How are you ever going to measure up to that?

wurwolf: You might as well just take what you can and go.

Lita: By the way, notice that Bob hasn't mentioned to Brucey Woosey that this is just a story that Jesus told, and not an actual thing that we're supposed to believe really happened.

wurwolf: I'm finding it hard to believe that Bruce hasn't heard this story yet, what with being in Bob's Sunday School class as a tender young boy before the Lord.

Lita: This is Bob's view of complete evil. Having some random dude in a bar drunkenly proclaim his love for you.

wurwolf: Actually, I think that's a tranny proclaiming love.

Lita: I don't think they had that surgery back then. Maybe he's just a eunuch.

wurwolf: Hmmm... what kind of terrible job could the prodigal son have gotten?

wurwolf: Raking Bob's leaves? Listening to Bob preach?

Lita: Being Bob's wife?

Lita: Granted, feeding and living with pigs is a pretty rotten job for a Jewish boy.

wurwolf: Why would they even have pigs in Israel if they can't eat them? What else are pigs good for?

Lita: There were pigs around at the time. I believe some of the less reputable Jews raised them and sold them to non-Jews who lived in the area.

Lita: There's a story about Jesus casting some demons into a group of pigs and then the pigs (and some guy's livlihood) ran off a cliff. Something like that. I don't feel like looking it up.

Lita: He'd hit bottom... his life was rotten and he stunk as bad as the pigs. Even his perm grew out.

wurwolf: He still managed to keep his black eyeliner, though.

Lita: The guy is living in a pig pen.... that's not eyeliner.

Lita: Brucey Woosey doesn't know what repentance is?

wurwolf: Bruce, who was in Bob's Sunday School class, has no idea what repentance is. Oh sure.

Lita: Is that a word that I just thought everybody knew because I grew up in religious circles but actually people outside of Christianity don't know what it means?

Lita: Because I thought even total heathens knew about the concept of being sorry.

wurwolf: Everyone knows what repentance means.

wurwolf: Bob says that repentance means being sorry for all the rotten things you've done. Is Bruce 8 years old in this tract?

Lita: Bob wishes.

Lita: I find it interesting that Bob omits the part of the parable where the older brother bitches at Dad for throwing the younger brother a kickass party.

Lita: 28"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

Lita: 31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' "

wurwolf: Oh. He omitted it? I was waiting for that part to come up. Way to leave out half the story, Bob.

Lita: The older brother represents those who never really fell away from God in the first place, right? Now, I'm just speculating here, but I think Bob's a great big glory hog.

Lita: He doesn't want Brucey Woosey to know that God would be even happier to get some mulleted asshat back in the fold than straight-and-narrow Blowhard Bob.

wurwolf: True, it does look like Bob left that part of the story out on purpose.

Lita: If Broosey Woosey does not come to Jesus it will be on Bob's head. That's what he gets for thinking he can tell a story better than Jesus did.

Lita: Dying young isn't God's love. It's God's justice. God is a firm believer in the "Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse" philosophy.

wurwolf: Jeez. Isn't it enough that Bruce is in traction and dying? No, Bob's gotta hit him with, "You're going down, Bruce!"

Lita: Also, thank you, Bob, for confirming what we all suspected. If you die young it's because God's mad at you. Justice will be served!

Lita: You probably shamed your parents or something.

wurwolf: What an asshole Bob is. Bruce sounds close to repentance, wondering about God's love and if God hates him, and then Bob tells him he's dead meat? WTF?

wurwolf: What kind of way is that to witness?

Lita: It's how you witness if you don't actually want to save the guy. He's just going through the motions. In his mind he's still thinking of the part of the story he skipped. The part where the father rejoiced even more for the return of the fallen son than for the good one.

Lita: He's thinking, "Take my fatted calf, will you? No way, buddy, you're going down!"

wurwolf: It's true. They can't stand the thought of God taking in people who have behaved horribly when they kill themselves to live on the straight and narrow.

Lita: Next thing you know God might save a h... a ho... a homosexual...

wurwolf: LITA!

Lita: I bet Bob never got over Father Ray getting saved. He's been phoning it in ever since. He doesn't even pray for God's help with the saving anymore.

wurwolf: He does seem to be really angry. And he literally did phone it in earlier in the tract.

wurwolf: He probably has a prayer taped. I'll bet just pushes the button and goes to rake the leaves or something.

Lita: He has a computer fill in the name of the person being prayed for. It's like, "Lord Jesus, I ask that you bless... Bruce's Mom.... He or she would really appreciate it."

wurwolf: Does Bob have a window where he can watch Satan laughing his head off? How does he know what Satan's doing right now?

wurwolf: For all he knows, Satan could be out raking his leaves or something.

Lita: Lots of people raking leaves this time of year.

wurwolf: It seems to be Bob's favorite thing to do.

Lita: Bob must be so embarrassed that Satan picked the same activity to blow off steam that Bob did.

wurwolf: At first I thought there was a mummy on the cross. It took me a minute to realize that this was just the artist's typical love of gore.

Lita: More evidence that Bob doesn't want Broosey Woosey saved. He doesn't even tell him that he has to accept the Gospel or Jesus or anything like that. He only says Bruce has to believe it. The Bible says that even demons believe in Jesus. That's the kind of thing Bob would normally be quick to point out.

Lita: He's clearly giving the bare minimum witness in the hopes that even if Bruce believes him it still won't be enough information to actually save him, but that Bob will still be able to claim he tried.

wurwolf: Bob is totally shaking the bed there.

Lita: Bob fully admits that tomorrow may be too late, but it doesn't take any convincing at all to get him to take that chance.

wurwolf: He's not even offering to talk to Bruce about it more or answer questions. He dropped his message on him and now he's going to leave. If he had a microphone he'd throw it on the floor.

Lita: And, as we can see, tomorrow really was too late. Brucey Woosey was sent screaming to Hell. Just as Bob had planned.

Lita: I bet when Bob got to the hospital and found out that Bruce was dead his first reaction was, "Shit! I wasted all that gas driving here for nothing!"

wurwolf: There's really nothing else to say.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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