Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Happy Halloween

In an effort to reach young people, Chick Publications did a number of tracts about the dangers of Halloween. Presumably, old folks concerned about the youth of the day would hand out these tracts on Halloween night along with the candy. Or just the tracts, if they were super cheap. Here's the first, entitled Happy Halloween.

We should also mention that this tract breaks with our usual Bible Series format so that we can keep current with the holiday. We'll be doing that when called for -- there's a Thanksgiving tract and at least one Christmas tract for us to do. Therefore, because this is not a Bible Series tract, Bob doesn't make an appearance (although we did manage to shoehorn him in a few times). Sadly, neither does Fang. :o(

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Lita: Happy Halloween. It sounds cheerful!

wurwolf: Hee! It's not.

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Lita: Nice Cosby sweater, kid on the right.

wurwolf: They must be standing outside of Bob's house, preparing to egg it.

Lita: The kid with the dumb sweater looks like a "cool kid." I wonder why he's hanging out with those other two dorkwaters.

Lita: Maybe they do his homework for him so he beats up kids that bug them.

wurwolf: Why is Jason holding a medieval battle axe?

Lita: Because the artist couldn't draw a machete.

Lita: If I ever set up a haunted house I'm totally putting a big black beaver on the front porch.

Lita: They put Pumpkin Head from Boo!'s head on the porch.

Lita: Not that we've read that one already...

wurwolf: I thought it looked like Pimpkin Head too, but I wasn't going to say so because we hadn't done Boo! yet.

wurwolf: Er... Pumpkin Head.

Lita: I can tell what's on your mind. I think you need some religious intervention.

wurwolf: Don't you dare send Bob to my house.

Lita: Sending Bob to your house would involve talking to him, and I don't think I'm up to that.

wurwolf: He is Computer Man -- you could send him an email.

wurwolf: What am I saying? Just don't communicate with Bob.

Lita: I'd send him one email and get buried under a deluge of religious spam.

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Lita: Warning! Arachnophobics should not have looked at this panel!

That little puss doesn't like spider webs. What did he think would be in a haunted house?

Lita: Usually in haunted houses they don't put the spider webs right across the pathways because people walking through would knock them down. Either you're only expecting one group to go through, or you have somebody going behind each group to put the cobwebs back up.

wurwolf: My goodness, those kids are so scared of a paper maiche spider? Get a stick, you dummies, I'm sure it has candy inside.

wurwolf: The spider is yelling "YAAAAH!", just like Nebby did in our last tract.

Lita: How lame. I can see the strings.

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Lita: The kid with the glasses is wearing an Elizabethan collar.

wurwolf: He's modeling the latest in Tommy Hawkes wear.

Lita: A witch! In a haunted house! Well, I never!

wurwolf: You'd think it was Easter or something!

wurwolf: Are all the other kids in school? How come these three are the only ones in the house?

Lita: None of the other kids showed up because they heard this haunted house blows.

Lita: And they heard right.

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Lita: "Happy Halloween! Bye." is terrible witch banter. She should be all cackling all over her witches brew and stuff. No wonder Sweater isn't scared.

wurwolf: Dumb kids. "Hey, let's stand over this big square cut in the floor! Nothing will happen."

Lita: There would be such liability issues with dumping kids through trap doors.

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Lita: I bet those kids are wondering what they just landed in. Now THAT's scary.

wurwolf: I was hoping they landed in hay, but it looks like the kind of hay that's been on Dirty Jobs.

Lita: Yeah. It's kind of dark to be hay. Well... just hay.

Lita: Is the kid on the left Tommy, the kid with no friends?

wurwolf: It really looks like him, doesn't it? Same greasy hair, same Goodwill coat...

Lita: I wonder if this tract is supposed to take place before or after Tommy's run-in with Bob. Those kids don't look like the bullies he befriended.

Lita: Maybe the bullies found out that when he said he had a big friend to protect him he was just talking about Jesus.

wurwolf: But when Jesus is your big friend, all of your problems are solved! People will love you and want to be around you all the time! Tommy must've ditched those bullies in favor of these two.

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Lita: Wow. In one panel this haunted house went from complete and unadulterated lame to the awesomest haunted house ever.

wurwolf: They really put a lot of effort into it.

wurwolf: The alien is sticking out his tongue at them.

Lita: That was actually really well-thought out on the part of the house planners. Fill the first part of the house with dumb fake spiders and cobwebs and an unusually stupid witch, and just when they're thinking of asking for their money back dump them into the Den of Insanity.

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wurwolf: Oh yeah, every haunted house I've ever been to has a dude saying "You'll be spending eternity with us."

wurwolf: How about having one of the devils say, "If you don't repent of your sins and receive the Lord Jesus Christ as your saviour, you're going to hell?" That would be just as likely to happen in a real haunted house.

Lita: There are religious themed haunted houses now. They show you what will happen to you if you take in too many real haunted houses.

Lita: Actually, don't tell Bob but I was in a haunted house, once. Actually participating in it, I mean, not just walking through it.

wurwolf: WHAT?! Lita!

wurwolf: I hope you know that you're going to be spending eternity with dudes in bad devil costumes.

Lita: The house I was in wasn't a religious haunted house. It was put on by my high school to raise money for the drama program.

Lita: I played a little girl who got lost in the haunted house and could not find her way out. Essentially, she had to spend eternity there.

Lita: I don't think I was very scary, though I did make a couple of little kids cry. And there was a guy in the tunnel on the way out of where I was who would reach through a hole and grab you as you crawled by. He was scarier than I was. So I guess our part of the house functioned on the same principal as this one does.

Lita: And at this one poin a couple of drunk dudes went through and when the guy grabbed them they punched him.

wurwolf: Serves him right.

Lita: It did. I had a crush on him at the time because he was kind of cute and he flirted with me, but then I noticed that he flirts with ALL the girls. So that cooled me down pretty quick.

wurwolf: He was the perfect one to play grab ass through a hole in the wall, then.

Lita: Absolutely.

Lita: But anyway.

wurwolf: How effective is your scary haunted house if you leave the door to the control room wide open and give a big, friendly smile to kids as they walk by?

Lita: Possibly that guy is supposed to be a mad scientist character, but I'm not holding out hope for that.

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wurwolf: So one of the kids is named Timmy. You'd think that would make him the same kid from the Ten Commandments tract, but this Timmy doesn't look anything like that Timmy.

Lita: No, he looks like Tommy. So now we know that the writers of these tracts can't keep these damned kids straight either!

wurwolf: Evidently not. They could have benefited from your chart.

Lita: Maybe I should email them my Chick Chart.

wurwolf: It sure can't hurt. Are there so few kid names in the world that they have to use the same ones over and over again?

Lita: But wait! That sweater! It wasn't Tommy who got hit! Sweater's real name is Timmy!

wurwolf: Exactly, that's what I'm saying. It's not Tommy, the Loser. It's Timmy, the Ten Commandments kid.

wurwolf doesn't know whether to feel proud or ashamed that she doesn't need a chart to tell these kids apart.

Lita: No, because Timmy the Ten Commandments kid didn't look anything like Sweater. Ten Commandments Timmy looked stoned, mostly. Sweater looks too bright to be Timmy.

wurwolf: I think they have two different kids named Timmy.

Lita: So there are two kids in this neighborhood named Timmy (well... were), and one of them is friends with Tommy.

wurwolf: Okay, wait. The kid from the Ten Commandments is Timmy. The Loser is Tommy. The kid in Happy Halloween who just got hit by a car is Timmy.

Lita: Yes. But not Ten Commandments Timmy. Sweater Timmy.

wurwolf: Yes. Two kids named Timmy.

wurwolf: Sheesh.


Lita: I wonder if those two costumed kids are named Tommy.

wurwolf: Oh jeez. Let's just move on.

Lita: And what the hell is the kid on the left supposed to be? A reindeerdog?

wurwolf: I think it's a kangaroo costume. If so, kudos. That's a tough one to pull off.

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Lita: Ok. Thank you, Chick Tracts, for bringing us a picture of a little kid getting run over. As a substitute teacher, I needed that in my day.

wurwolf: I bet that's Bob driving.

wurwolf: He was driving around, looking for sinners on Halloween night to mow down.

Lita: "I heard you were beating up Tommy! Time to meet your maker, Timmy! But not my nephew, Timmy! Some other Timmy!"

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Lita: I see Tommy got a tear tattoo to commemorate the loss of his friend.

wurwolf: That was quick. They must've had a tattoo artist in the ambulance.

Lita: There are a lot of needles in there, I'm sure.

Lita: It could have been any of you? Why are you kids all running around in the street in the middle of the night?

Lita: Oh. Halloween. Right. What the hell is wrong with the driver of that car that he wasn't looking out for that?

Lita: Oh. Bob. Right.

Lita: Never mind!

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wurwolf: That poor kid. He has to spend an eternity in that ugly sweater.

wurwolf: I'm guessing Roger has to spend an eternity in his ugly sweater, too.

Lita: So I guess the Chick Tract brand of fundamentalism doesn't believe that Jesus is merciful to little kids who haven't had the life experience to meet Him yet.

wurwolf: Chick Publications believes that the age of accountability is 6 months.

Lita: By the way, can we have a round of applause for the gory-ass picture of that little kid's corpse? Jeez, I hate kids.

wurwolf: Not only is he dead and in hell, but he threw up his chocolate milk, too.

Lita: What's that black square in the upper corner? What are they censoring? Did that stalactite swear?

wurwolf: If so I can hardly blame it. It is in hell, after all.

wurwolf: "Welcome to the Abyss, Timmy. Remember me? We met just a half hour ago. I was the dude in the middle? With the skull on a stick? Horns? Remember? Yeah, that one. Good times!"

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Lita: Tommy's name is Bobby now? I don't buy that, Chick Tract. Unless Timmy has a twin brother.

wurwolf: I wonder if the other kid's name is Harry.

Lita: If his name is actually Bobby... Is he supposed to be a young Bob?

wurwolf: Tommy's tear tattoo has moved, but it's still on the same cheek.

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Lita: Also, how's that for sensitivity from Mrs. Baxter? "Sorry, kids! Don't take comfort from thinking your friend is in a better place! Your bestest bud who just died now burns in the flames of Hell! I bet worms are eating his eyes while he screams in pain right now!"

wurwolf: What a bitch. As his Sunday School teacher, I hope she feels responsible for Timmy spending an eternity in hell.

Lita: I guess the Chick Tract brand of fundamentalism doesn't believe that once you're saved you're always saved, or that Jesus will forgive post-salvation sins. Ok, Timmy spent some time with some stoned bikerhobos, sure. But look at that sweater! Nobody who is fully on the dark side would willingly wear that sweater.

wurwolf: You're right. That's a Christian sweater if I ever saw one.

Lita: Do you think it was a hazing? You think maybe the bikerhobos were like, "Wear this sweater for six months straight and then you can be one of us. You can walk around with your filthy shirt unbuttoned and never bathe and get a 666 tattoo just like us!"

wurwolf: "You have to have misshapen hands to be in our gang!"

wurwolf: Is that what that is? I thought it said 686. How lame would that be?

Lita: The tattoo artist made a typo.

wurwolf: Imagine you go to all the trouble of getting a Satanic tattoo and then find out it was supposed to be 666.

wurwolf: Timmy's all, "Dudes, I'm totally quitting Sunday School! I'm so rebellious! I'll totally fit in with you now!"

Lita: Do you think Mrs. Baxter ever even saw Timmy's worldly friends? I bet they weren't even near this bad. This is just what she thinks non-Christians look like.

Lita: Probably they're actually just D&D nerds and spend all afternoon in their basements with a 20-sided die.

wurwolf: I'll bet you're right. That panel all took place in Mrs. Baxter's mind.

Lita: I think my theory is right. Timmy's sweater is a total D&D nerd sweater.

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Lita: Wow. One of the bikerhobos gave Timmy a rad knife scar down the side of his face. That or it was a terrible LARP accident.

wurwolf: Timmy wore that sweater every day, all day. Gross.

Lita: I don't see how Timmy could laugh at Mrs. Baxter and call her a fanatic. Can you imagine?

wurwolf: That's how far gone Timmy was.

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Lita: Timmy was not a good kid, Tomm-- er... Bomm... er... Bobb... uh.... Dumbass. He was hanging out with those bikerhobos, remember?

wurwolf: Good people don't hang out with bikerhobos. That'll send you to hell on a speeding bullet.

Lita: And he laughed at Mrs. Baxter and called her a fanatic. Is that good? Is it?

Lita: They don't hang around in haunted houses either.

Lita: "Don't make the mistake of believing that your friend isn't in Hell, Bobby. He's having boiling oil poured on his private parts as we speak."

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wurwolf: God made a way for ANYYONE to get to heaven. So unless your name is ANYYONE, you're out of luck.

Lita: So Tommy or Bobby or whoever goes to Mrs. Baxter's Sunday school class every week but he doesn't know how a sinner can get into heaven? She is such a crappy teacher. No wonder Timmy went to hell.

wurwolf: He's just hearing the message of salvation now? His parents ought to switch churches.

wurwolf: Is Jesus sitting on a mountain of urns?

Lita: Those are the remains of His slain.

Lita: Hey! We get a new chunk of clipart in this one! I don't think we've seen the angel dropping a guy off a cliff before.

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wurwolf: Wow! Did Mrs. Baxter punch Tommy/Bobby in both eyes?!

Lita: He was too slow on the uptake, so she had to motivate him a little.

wurwolf: She had to punch him to get him to accept God's love gift.

wurwolf: The mouth of hell literally is a mouth. You can see the throat and the uvula and the tongue.

Lita: "Yes, Tommy, if Timmy had accepted Jesus he would be in Heaven right now. But he didn't, so your little friend can only stare helplessly down the cavern as a huge fireball rolls right at him and burns the flesh from his body but then his flesh keeps regrowing back so it keeps burning off and it hurts very very much like nothing you can even imagine and that goes on forever! Would you like some candy? Watch out for the razorblades. I had to discipline a few trick-or-treaters."

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wurwolf: Man, this kid cries like a little baby. Now he's got a tear on the other cheek.

Lita: The artist forgot which side the tattoo was on. Or maybe he's just drawing it on with a ball point pen.

Lita: Some people do theorize that you can have a second chance to accept Jesus after you die, even C.S. Lewis floated that idea. It's an idea that appeals to me, but I admit I don't remember seeing anything about that in the Bible.

wurwolf: Yeah, I feel the same way. I would hate to think that you only have your time on earth to make that choice, when you can't see or hear God and you have to take everything on faith that this is what is going to happen to you after you die. But I've never come across anything in the Bible that says you get to make a choice after you die. Pretty much just the opposite, actually.

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wurwolf: Lumpy butt time!

wurwolf: "I'll never forget THIS Halloween!" Great. So I guess Halloween is now Tommy/Bobby's favorite holiday.

Lita: Tommy: "This is the best Halloween ever!"

Lita: Timmy: "Fuck you, you rat!"

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 1996 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)


no springs said...

"I can't believe it . . . Timmy's gone." "It could have been ANY of us."

No, one of you is clearly yelling "Timmy LOOK OUT!", which means at least ONE of you had the wits about you to look for oncoming traffic BEFORE BLINDLY RUNNING INTO THE STREET! What, Timmy was so disoriented he lost the ability to hang a right and stay on the sidewalk?

As for the bikerhobos: Maybe Timmy was the boy who befriended Rocky Dennis, and that's a picture of him hanging out with some very sweet & loveable bikers. Come on, Gar and Dozer wouldn't lead him down the wrong path! K-K-K-K-K-K-KATMANDUUUUU!!!!!

Those are not urns or victims around Jesus' throne. Those are all the lumpy butts pointed up in his direction.

And I love the last panel: The narrator says "Don't make the same mistake Timmy made", while Jesus provides the assist "Meaning this evil-looking fellow on my right".

Nice job as always ladies. The last line was especially killer! You rat!

- no springs


Lita said...

"Those are not urns or victims around Jesus' throne. Those are all the lumpy butts pointed up in his direction."

Hey! You can't moon Jesus! Is that what Bob's been teaching us to do?!?


wurwolf said...

Man, you sure do love Mask, Springy.


no springs said...

I don't, really. But I can't deny seeing evidence of it's teachings everywhere I look.

Now, please, Wulfie - I want you to stop taking drugs!!!



Lita said...

I don't have anything to add. Just that while I was reading these comments the word verification is znvfqul, which looks to me like, "znvfuckyouall."

Thank you for your attention.