Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Today Chick Publications takes the brave step of teaching us the important lesson that human sacrifice is bad with this special edition Halloween tract.

This tract is one of the first we read, and one that we had in mind when we decided to start up this blog. Is it ok if we admit that we actually really liked this one? Ok, suspicious "facts" about witches and pagans and Satanists aside, it's just cute. See if you agree as we bring you...

wurwolf: Damn, I should have sent the kids to Camp Basil Bub!

Lita: There is some weird bird behavior in this very first panel.

Lita: There's some bird squawking at an owl in the upper left corner and another bird trying to feed a worm to a poisonous snake in the bottom right.

wurwolf: The bird is offering the snake a worm, and the snake is all, Get that crap out of my face, bitch.

Lita: I wonder if that's symbolic.

wurwolf: It's gotta be.

wurwolf: I also like how they're all standing up on a rock on a hill instead of like, down by the car or one of the cabins.

wurwolf: If that's supposed to be a kid in the baseball hat in that first panel, then I'm Shirley Shepherd. He looks like he's at least thirty-five.

Lita: He rented the whole place for fifty bucks. He should know something's wrong right there.

Lita: Like toxic waste bubbles up into the cabins or every night plague rats eat everybody's face or something.

Lita: I wonder why there's a government spy hanging out in the back while the guys discuss their party.

wurwolf: Good question. Is that one guy a former President and he's secret service?

Lita: So is that guy supposed to be Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton? I could go either way.

wurwolf: Maybe Billy Carter and Roger Clinton.

wurwolf: Salem High? Oh sure. You guys are just asking for it.

wurwolf: And I refuse to believe these guys actually go to Salem High. They're highly paid party planners for the well-to-do kids of Salem High.

wurwolf: They are just way to old to be high school kids.

Lita: Well, one of those guys is the former President.

Lita: Or his brother.

Lita: 13 people got massacred at this place just last year and this guy, a local guy as far as I can tell, just heard about it.

Lita: Maybe he just moved here last week? From somewhere in the Andes mountains or something? And that's why he doesn't know about the killing spree?

wurwolf: How convenient that 13 people were murdered there. And they supposedly go to Salem High.

wurwolf: Chick missed the chance to name them Freddy and Jason. Actually, I'm surprised one of them isn't named Timmy.

wurwolf: At first I thought the squirrel was gasping.

wurwolf: Maybe the house is gasping.

Lita: The spider dropping down onto Jimmy Carter's back wants Stupid to know all about how the killer got riddled with bullets.

wurwolf: And why not? I'm sure the spider saw it all go down.

Lita: Spiders aren't very bright, though, which is why it's convinced that the killer must be dead.

Lita: And Stupid is even dumber, so he believes the spider.

wurwolf: There's a big scary goat watching them from under a tree outside the house.

Lita: A big goat or a small moose.

wurwolf: Hee! The hillbilly who set up the camping trip laughs like Tork: Haw haw!

wurwolf: Chick Publications might have missed the chance to name them Freddy and Jason, but they didn't forget about Carrie.

Lita: Our secret service guy thinks the cat sacrifice is gross.

wurwolf: I think the secret service guy is saying gross because Charlie just picked his nose.

wurwolf: Can we do a little speculating on that panel? It looks like they took a pair of scissors and cut the background out and then just pasted the people on a grey board.

Lita: It definitely does.

wurwolf: So I'm wondering, what's so objectionable in the background that they had to cut it out?

Lita: Maybe the artist got carried away with all the animals he's cramming into every frame and accidentally drew a couple of them "having relations."

wurwolf: Maybe he realized what a crappy artist he is and started self-censoring.

Lita: I suppose that's the more likely explanation...

Lita: And here's the Pumpkinhead we made references to in the previous tract we did. Way precog of us, making references to a tract we weren't supposed to have read yet. Not to mention professional.

Lita: Pumpkinhead is dragging a snake on a string!

Lita: It's gotta be the serpent from the garden of Eden, yo.

wurwolf: I'm still laughing at the "haw haw". Why does that crack me up so much?

wurwolf: I like how the cars driving away are honking at Satan. "See ya later, dude!" *beep beep!*

Lita: The first car is being very irrisponsible in regards to seatbelt safety.

Lita: I am being very irrisponsible in regards to spelling.

wurwolf: They're actually standing up in the car, aren't they?

Lita: Or in the back of a truck. It's hard to tell.

Lita: But yeah. They're standing up and waving their arms. I'd say they were destined to die tonight one way or another.

wurwolf: And again we have the standard cursing that was saw in The Nervous Witch: @!!!**!

wurwolf: I like how Pumpkinhead is excited that they're coming to his party, but then realizes that he forgot his chain saw. Mood swings much?

Lita: How did Pumpkinhead forget his chainsaw? You're a mass murderer, dude. It's what you do. The chainsaw should be an extension of yourself.

wurwolf: Exactly. You remembered the snake but forgot the chainsaw? What kind of killer are you?

wurwolf: It's his birthday, I hope someone got him a Palm Pilot.

Lita: It's like if I went to my side gig as a hike leader and forgot the trail we were on. And then we all got lost. Not that that's ever happened...

Lita: Let's move on!

wurwolf: Carrie's dressed like Sandra Lee in her Halloween episode.

wurwolf: I wonder if Carrie's drunk off her ass like Sandra Lee was.

Lita: You have to be really drunk to think sacrificing a kitty is a fun time.

Lita: This isn't Badcat. This is his cousin, Sadcat.

wurwolf: Carrie better watch her sleeves. She's going to set the whole place on fire.

Lita: She just threw in that "on your birthday" as an afterthought, didn't she? This sacrifice isn't very well thought out.

Lita: Hee! Sandra Lee just came onto my TV and she's totally dressed like a witch. Really.

wurwolf: She's got an audience, why isn't she working from a script?

wurwolf: (Carrie, not Sandra Lee)

Lita: Of course. Sandra Lee doesn't have an audience. Not an appreciative one, anyway.

wurwolf: Ron Jeremy runs for his life!

Lita: I don't blame Pumpkinhead for wanting to take Carrie down. She totally forgot his birthday and then got him an assy gift.

Lita: I really hope Pumpkinhead carved the door off its hinges with his chainsaw.

wurwolf: You know, I was thinking about that. It would take Pumpkinhead a good five to ten minutes to get through that wall. If you're standing in a room and someone starts sawing a hole in the wall from the other side, do you stick around for ten minutes to see what happens?

Lita: He'd just have to go down the side with the hinges. It's possible that there's a knob for that door hidden behind his word balloon, but I choose to believe there's no knob to hold the door shut. This is a $50 camp, after all.

Lita: Also, he's been planning this, so maybe he came in earlier and made some pre-cuts.

wurwolf: Oh, I see. I didn't even realize it was a door. I thought he just cut a big hole in the wall. But I think you're right because I see a door frame there.

Lita: The door would be thinner than the log wall anyway.

Lita: Sadcat is free!!!

wurwolf: And he's pissed!

Lita: Most of the partygoers don't want to be chainsawed, but one guy is really into it. He's all like, "YAAAAH!" This is the best day ever for him.

wurwolf: That's just Nebby going insane in there.

wurwolf: Even the rat's not sticking around.

Lita: Hee! At the jail there's a cake with a saw in it. I'm legitimately enjoying this thing way too much.

wurwolf: Is the guy in the wanted poster on the wall giving the thumbs up?

wurwolf: If so, that's one of the most hilarious mug shots I've seen. It should be on Smorking Gun.

wurwolf: The chief has a levitating coffee cup, and it's pouring its contents out on the desk.

Lita: The Chief had to choose a number and he wanted to be number 1. He doesn't want to be number 2. His deputy has to be number 4.

wurwolf: I wonder if he'll hear a knock on the door.

Lita: It's Jesus with a blank check.

wurwolf: Well, there is a CAKE in the picture.

wurwolf: Holy cow, the deputy has way too many bullets on his belt. What is he, the Frito Bandito?

Lita: 'Tis the devil himself!

Lita: And the Deputy is Irish!

wurwolf: Satan's got the Snidely Whiplash thing going on.

wurwolf: Is the author sure he doesn't mean Stan? Because that "Satan" looks more like a Stan to me.

Lita: 19 dead. This time Pumpkinhead didn't stop at the more traditional 13.

Lita: Is he trying to work his way up to 666?

wurwolf: If so he's gonna still doing this every Halloween for a long time.

wurwolf: "We've already got 19 dead!" Just how big is this police force?

Lita: They've got at least four guys.

wurwolf: And what did Pumpkinhead do to kill them? He doesn't have his chainsaw with him. I guess he forgot to bring it with him again.

wurwolf: Damn, the Devil really has problems remembering his stuff.

Lita: Maybe the chain got stuck in somebody's abdomen. I've heard that chainsaws aren't actually all that effective for use on flesh.

wurwolf: Ew. Is that something you learned in your medical ethics class?

Lita: Nope. A website. Isn't this a great Internet we all post on where we can learn so much?

wurwolf: Oh yeah.

Lita: "Saints preserve 'em." That deputy is getting more Irish by the moment.

wurwolf: He's the stereotypical Irish cop

wurwolf: I like how the top of the hill is cut off.

wurwolf: The devil's a peeping tom!

Lita: And he's scaring some pale imitation of Fang!

wurwolf: Fang would totally laugh at the devil.

wurwolf: What does the devil have in the palm of his hand? Is that an eye?

wurwolf: Maybe a joy buzzer?

Lita: Stigmata?

Lita: Big hairy wart that calls Davy Jones' leviathin squid thing?

wurwolf: Stigmata sounds like something that would be right up the devil's alley.

Lita: Actually I think it's supposed to be a pentagram.

wurwolf: He's frightening Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Lita: Even more frightening, what's that kid's hand doing at the bottom of the frame?

wurwolf: Hmm.... perhaps this picture was taken out of context and made to look like the kid (let's call him "Timmy") was praying in church, when really Timmy was feeling around the devil's pockets a little too vigrorously.

wurwolf: He looks like he just pooped himself.

wurwolf: Timmy, not the devil.

wurwolf: Okay, the devil, too.

Lita: Both of them have job interviews later.

wurwolf: Satan's got some hairy arms.

Lita: I don't get how Timmy knows nothing about Satan later in the tract, but he knows to rebuke him here.

wurwolf: The devil is cursing in the standard fashion.

wurwolf: What's with all the mountains? Did this story take place in the Alps?

Lita: They look like sand dunes to me. Timmy chased Satan all the way to the Sahara.

wurwolf: Joey looks like he's hungover when he's talking to his pastor.

Lita: I guess we have to stop calling him Timmy now.

wurwolf: Now we're going to get him confused with the snitch who was reporting kids as gang members.

wurwolf: Wow, the pastor is a hott, rugged lumberjack.

wurwolf: Guest artist: Jack Elrod.

Lita: No kidding. Lots of exterior shots and animals and the pastor even has that lantern jaw.

wurwolf: All we need is Molly the Bear and Snake and Jake.

wurwolf: "Who kicked him out of heaven, Pastor?" The "You're a little slow, aren't you, Joey?" remains unspoken.

Lita: The devil is so cute clenching his little fists in frustration.

wurwolf: Jim Henson's Devil Babies.

wurwolf: I think the two cars parked outside the church are the two that drove past Pumpkinhead earlier.

Lita: The pastor has a deal with Pumpkinhead. He gets all the victims' stuff.

Lita: The pastor is going all David Bowie, "It's further than you think and time is short. Forget about the baby."

wurwolf: He looks so depressed.

Lita: His expression is exactly the same through the whole tract. I think Jesus literally fashioned him out of clay.

Lita: And Jesus was not in a good mood when He did it.

wurwolf: Is that snow on the ground? Did this tract take place in the Yukon?

Lita: Who doesn't get snow in late October?

Lita: Satan is also a master debator.

Lita: Old joke? Yes. But it's one I happen to be fond of.

wurwolf: It's a good one.

wurwolf: Yeah. "Twick or tweet". Whatever, Chick tracts.

Lita: I had to get all hardass on the kids last year. I'd open the door and they'd be silent. I was like, "SAY IT!!"

Lita: And then they'd be scared and be all "trick or treat" in tiny voices.

wurwolf: Good for you. They're getting free candy, the least they can do is say what you want them to say.

wurwolf: "NOW JUMP UP AND DOWN!"

Lita: I drew the line at the kid who showed up with no costume and a mustache growing in. I knew I was risking eggs, but he got nothing.

Lita: I gave something to his girlfriend, though. She was wearing boxing gloves.

wurwolf: I'll tell you what's scary. That door and that wallpaper together.

wurwolf: Gee, they've got a big fire going. I wonder if they're burning all of their witchcraft stuff, like Bob and Samantha did.

Lita: I think that's the mustache trick-or-treat guy holding the knife over his lady friend on the slab there.

wurwolf: He's pissed off that you didn't give him any candy so he's going to kill her.

wurwolf: So the tract is saying that when we get closer to the second coming of Jesus, Satanism and human sacrifice will increase. So is it also saying that Jesus should stay away?

wurwolf: Evidently the Druids were really spooky. But more so than other pagans?

Lita: He doesn't mean they were scary. He means it in the same sense that we say horses are spooky. Don't sneak up behind this guy. He'll freak out and kick you in the face.

Lita: Which I guess IS actually kind of scary...

Lita: I like that dress that sacrificial chick is wearing. I should dress up like her for Halloween.

wurwolf: She looks like a milkmaid.

Lita: She must have really long legs.

wurwolf: Oh yeah, look at that. They're freakishly long.

wurwolf: The artist got carried away drawing the skirt.

wurwolf: So they left a jack o lantern to protect the house from the death demons, but they take someone to be sacrificed. So the jack o lantern doesn't really work then.

Lita: "We're gonna kill your chick here and in exchange we'll give you a charm to keep your family from dying!"

Lita: "Satanic human sacrifices are a slap in God's face."

Lita: No kidding?

Lita: I guess I should stop Satanically sacrificing humans, then. There goes my Friday night.

wurwolf: Bummer.

wurwolf: The pastor is bummed out about it, too.

Lita: He had so many awesome sacrifices planned.

wurwolf: Yes. Hell really is known as the laughing place. Good times!

Lita: Hee!!! Some dude roasting in hell is shaking his fist at Satan and yelling "You rat!"

wurwolf: Goshdarn you, Satan!

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)


Tork_110 said...

Thy head is departed from thee!


wurwolf said...



no springs said...

a classic.

does the pastor have a soul patch? (no pun intended)

wurwolf said...

Hmmm.... it sure looks like a soul patch, Springy. Now that you pointed it out, it's really noticeable. I don't know how I missed it the first time.

Also, this is what Springy had to say about the last panel when we talked about this tract before: "absolute most LOL part was the dude in hell, shaking his fist and yelling 'YOU RAT!'. Dude - you can use stronger language than that! you're in hell anyway!"

no springs said...

Actually, it's probably not a soul patch. Based on the last panel of him that you pasted on your blog, it's gone. Actually, in that panel it looks like a tiny, second mouth.

You mentioned how the top of the hill the cops are standing on is "cut off". In 'Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind', the central location was a hill/mountain with a cut off top. The name of that hill? "Devil's Tower" COINCIDENCE?????

Two more things about the police:
1) Loved the riffing on the "Irish" deputy. What was with that? He looks Mexican, or Italian . . . maybe even Greek. But he in no way looks the type that would be spouting lines like "tis the devil himself!" and "saints preserve 'em". It's just so ridiculous!
2) When we last see our lovable oafs, they're standing on Devil's Tower and McDeputy is saying "We've already got 19 dead . . . YOU GOTTA STOP HIM, CHIEF!". But Chief is having none of that. He gulps and says "He must be on his way to the village". McDeputy must realize that the Chief has no intention of pursuing ol' Satan, b/c he throws in the towel too, leaving it to "the saints" to do the job. And the police are not seen again in our story! Way to go, boys in blue!.


wurwolf said...

The thing that cracked me up about the "Irish" deputy (or McDeputy, as you hilariously called him) is that this tract is supposed to take place out in the mountains somewhere, and because the author can't come up with an original idea for a cop, he makes him Irish. Isn't every cop Irish? I mean, I could see if this took place in NYC -- a stereotypical Irish cop would be more acceptable then. But no, even hillbillies have Irish cops. Whatever, Chick Publications.

I, too, loved how easily the cops gave up. "19 dead? I see no reason to add any more cops to that number. I'm going home." WTF?


Lita said...

I assumed the "19 dead" figure included civilian deaths.

Also, it's common knowledge that all cops are Irish. Even the ones who aren't. There are a couple of cops in my family. We're all Scandinavian/German, except the cops. As soon as they put on that badge it's all "Begorrah" this and "Top o' the mornin'" that and "That leprechaun stole my whiskey" the other thing. None of us knows how this happens.

tzdtetv (tazed the tv)

no springs said...

All this talk of the Irish and Lita mentioning leprechauns gave me an acid flashback. Anybody remember the old Woody Woodpecker cartoon where Woody catches a leprachaun (who looks like a green miniature of himself) and gets 3 wishes? As you'd expect, his first wish backfires on him, as does his second. When the leprachaun asks him for his 3rd wish, Woody sends him to hell! (I believe the way he phrased his wish was "Go to blazes!"). We see little leprachaun woodpecker descend down to a flaming pit, where a giant Satan woodpecker welcomes him back and gives him the ol' woodpecker laugh - ha-ha-ha-HA-ha!

That blew me away as a kid. I couldn't believe Woody sent a guy to hell! That's one dark bird, man.