Evil Eyes

Arrrrrrrrrrrriba!!! Hola muchachos! Today we take a run for the border and learn what those loco Catholics are up to this time in...





Lita: I know we're supposed to think that rooster is scared because somebody is glaring at him, but I have chickens and I happen to know that they look like that all the time.

wurwolf: I can hardly blame them. There's never not a good reason to want to kill a chicken.

Lita: Except it's kind of gross.

Lita: And it makes you feel bad after you cut their heads off and they keep running around.

wurwolf: Spoken like a woman who's seen a few chickens slaughtered in her day.

Lita: Never witnessed it personally, but I've heard enough about it.


wurwolf: "Why have you come to me?" I would have liked to see the guy answer, "For a gallon of milk" or "For some miracle floor cleaner" or even "For a hand job."

Lita: "It will cost you"? What kind of a sales pitch is that? I'm no practitioner of Santeria, but even I know that it would be better to go with, "Good magic does not come at a low price," or something like that.

Lita: "It will cost you" is just as likely to make somebody turn around and walk out the door.

wurwolf: Not in a Chick tract.

wurwolf: And boy, that guy is stupid. "I've come into a lot of money. I can afford it." He might as well give her his social security number and his ATM card.

wurwolf: I like the friendly mannequin by the door. "Thanks! Come again! Have a nice day!"

Lita: I was just about to mention that. It's probably supposed to be a statue of some kind, but I'd like to think that there's just some half-naked black lady dancing around in the back.

wurwolf: I think I like that notion better, too. Shops would probably do a much better business if they employed half naked women to dance by the door as customers left.

Lita: You are assuming that the black woman would be paid. I suspect that that is just what the people at Chick Tracts think black people do when they come into contact with Santeria.

wurwolf: Good point.


wurwolf: The Santeria priestess looks like Bob Hoskins in a wig.

Lita: I would like to suggest that making the guy a vegetable is not the best form of revenge if you want him to suffer for a long time. A vegetable is not aware of his plight or his suffering.

wurwolf: Exactly. Give him heartbreak of psoriasis or irritable bowel syndrome. Something creative.

Lita: Make him like Stephen Hawking. His body is shutting down but he's still fully aware of what's going on. He'll be in a wheelchair and completely unable to communicate except through computers that read his eye or tongue movements or whatever but he can't afford those computers so he's stuck.

Lita: The picture Santa gave the Santeria lady is just of some bats flying in front of the moon. I'm not sure that'll help her identify Carlos.

wurwolf: I think that's the side of Carlos' bald head, but kudos for creativity there.

Lita: Oh, I see it now. Ok.



Lita: Poor Mama. I can tell from her decor that she's Catholic.

wurwolf: Yep. Crucifix. Picture of Mary. Flowers.

wurwolf: Looks like my in-laws' living room.

wurwolf: Is Carlos not Roberto's uncle? I assume Aunt Maria just married some dude?

Lita: How'd he get to Mexico? Are we even in Mexico? Where are we?

wurwolf: We've been kidnapped!

Lita: Oh wait. The sign says we're 300 miles away. Thanks, sign.

Lita: Hey! There's Fang!

wurwolf: Fang's looking at that bus the same way I am. Is that what buses look like in Mexico?

wurwolf: I know that's what they look like in the Philippines:

wurwolf: I guess Mexico does the same thing with their buses.

Lita: I don't see chickens on the bus. Mexican buses are filled with chicken in movies.

Lita: We should do that with our buses.

wurwolf: I agree, I love jeepneys

Lita: I get that Mama is sad about Roberto getting religion. Because, as we all know, Catholics aren't in any way religious.

wurwolf: Mothers everywhere mourn when their children become religious.

Lita: I need to learn to read. I though that woman said "Spray paint Lazarus for me." I was thinking, "Wouldn't that kind of tick him off?"

wurwolf: I'll bet Jack Chick has spray painted a few saints in his day.

wurwolf: You just know he's tipped over at least one Mary on a half-shell before.

Lita: I'm not into the Catholic religion, but I dig their art. I'd be so sad to hear somebody's awesome saint picture got defaced.

wurwolf: I will agree that I like the craftsmanship involved in Catholic artwork, but I'm not so thrilled to be checking out Mary or a dead Jesus every two seconds.

Lita: This is the only picture of Lazarus I've found in the old style I like, but it's also the only one I've seen where he's not all old and decrepit and leaning on a couple of crutches. I guess the Catholics think Jesus didn't do a very good job resurrecting him.



wurwolf: Eh. Too Catholic for me.



wurwolf: Well, time to blow on a chicken.

Lita: That chicken has the exact expression I'd expect anybody to have when a large woman lifts him up by the legs and sprays booze up his bottom.

Lita: Don't tell me about Carlos. That chicken has no defense for what's coming.



wurwolf: Is it wrong of me to think that the dance party going on looks kind of fun?

wurwolf: Give me a few drinks and blow some booze up my butt and I'll be there dancing with the spirits, too.

Lita: I think the dead cat would kind of kill the fun for me.

wurwolf: Gosh, I didn't even see the kitty there.

wurwolf: I'm being positive and telling myself that the cat at the party is just sleeping.

Lita: He's having a siesta.

Lita: They do look like they're having a good time, though. So far Jack Chick isn't making much of a case against Santeria.

Lita: Unless you like animals, I guess.



Lita: That poor rooster looks so resigned to his fate. He's like, "After what I've been though, death is a release."

wurwolf: That picture of Carlos isn't flattering. Plus, he has no body. Just a head.

Lita: We see the picture of Carlos in the cauldron, but who's the black guy on that other picture? Is Santeria Lady cursing extra people on Santa's dime?

wurwolf: They draw the bad guys in pictures that way every time. It's how you know they are bad guys, whether it's a mug shot or photo on someone's mantle.

wurwolf: The frog in the cauldron is like, Wait a minute, I thought I was just hopping into a pond here. What's all this shit?



Lita: Santeria Lady isn't very good at her job. She wasn't supposed to kill Carlos. She was supposed to make him suffer.

wurwolf: He's not dead. It's just like he's dead.

Lita: Oh, I see. Literacy is nice.

wurwolf: Not that you would know.



wurwolf: Goodness. Father Dominic's face looks like a slab of beef.

Lita: Why is Maria holding a shrunken head?

wurwolf: I thought it was an eggplant with a face carved in it.



Lita: Where Carlos is going they don't need eyes to see.

wurwolf: I just assumed he was on a tanning bed.

wurwolf: Why do all the women in this tract look like scullery maids from the 1800s?

Lita: That's not how women look? I read too many Chick tracts.

Lita is asking wiki about Santeria before she bitches that the tract makes it look like it's a Catholic thing

wurwolf: Santeria does have a lot of Catholic elements. The tract isn't far off to equate the two.

wurwolf: From what I understand by watching Angel Heart starring superstars Lisa Bonet Cosby and Mcikethy Rourke, Santeria is a combination of African voodoo and Catholicism.

Lita: "It is a system of beliefs that merge the Yoruba religion (brought to the New World by slaves imported to the Caribbean to work the sugar plantations) with Roman Catholic and Native American traditions."

wurwolf: Oh. And Injun shit.

Lita: Ok. I'll let you off the hook THIS time, Chick tracts.

wurwolf: The next panel makes me LOL all over the place: "Aunt Maria, get this priest out of here!"

Lita: Ray Romano to the rescue!

wurwolf: Is the priest making an obscene gesture at Aunt Maria?



Lita: He's throwing crucifixes? That's a bit far. Nothing wrong with a crucifix.

wurwolf: I like the crucifixes flying out of the house. Chick loves to shit all over the Catholic paraphernalia.

wurwolf: Yet the same man most likely was outraged by Robert Mapplethorpe's Piss Christ.

Lita: There are plenty of Protestants who keep or wear crosses. I personally find it offensive to throw somebody's cross out into the street.

wurwolf: It's not a cross if Jesus is still on it. Then it's a crucifix and something to be ridiculed and scorned.

Lita: Jesus on the Cross might not be dead yet. But even if He is, Jesus dying on the cross was a pretty important moment for Protestants as well as Catholics.

wurwolf: I agree with you, Lita, but the traditional fundie stance is that Jesus is no longer on the cross. The morbid fascination with Jesus on the cross is a Catholic thing.

Lita: Regardless, it's really crass to just throw the crucifixes into the street.

wurwolf: Again, I agree with you, Lita. I just think it's interesting that Chick Publications feel they have every right to disrespect a depiction of Jesus' death simply because they've classified it as "Catholic".

wurwolf: Also, I think the Protestant problem with crucifixes is that it is a graven image of Jesus. A lot of denominations are against that.

wurwolf: Catholics don't seem to have a huge problem with the graven image thing.

Lita: Not even most Protestants do. Except Baptists. And we've seen plenty of pics of Jesus in these tracts. Even Jesus on the cross.

wurwolf: The Baptist church I went to had a stained glass window of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane behind the baptismal pool, but they kept it covered because they felt it was a graven image.

wurwolf: Apparently a former leader of the church went temporarily insane and had it installed.

Lita: That's sad. I love a good stained glass window. None of my churches ever had one and I feel like I'm missing out.

wurwolf: Yeah, but now that I think of it, you're right about it not necessarily being a Protestant thing. I think it's really a fundie thing.

wurwolf: Wasn't there some comic or something we were supposed to be reading?

Lita: Oh, right.

wurwolf: I can't decide if the guy behind Father Dominic is David Crosby with less hair or a balding mustachioed Liev Schrieber.

Lita: I'm going with Yakov Smirnoff.

wurwolf: Also: Father Dominic? Wasn't that the name of the priest who was going to jump off a bridge?

Lita: The priest was Damien, I think.

wurwolf: Oh, you're right. It was Damien.



Lita: Ah. Father Dominic is rustlin' up a posse. Nothing like good old fashioned mob justice.

Lita: I like the dude with the enormous mustache in the middle. He looks like a pretty friendly guy to be planning to beat somebody to death.

wurwolf: That's the guy I thought looked like David Crosby

wurwolf: He looks like he's having his picture taken.

Lita: I thought you meant that bearded guy in the last panel holding the crucifix.

wurwolf: No. That guy I can see being Yakov Smirnoff. This guy gave me a David Crosby or Liev Schrieber vibe.

wurwolf: Pedro is offering his protection to Carlos.

Lita: The neanderthal dude has grown himself a beard between the first and second panel of this row.

wurwolf: He is one hirsute gentleman.

Lita: The one on the left wants to beat Carlos with his back scrubber.

wurwolf: Mmmm, how luxurious. I'd like someone to work me over with a back scrubber.



wurwolf: I like how this story changes from an indictment of Santeria and Catholicism to a retelling of the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal.

Lita: Carlos is so surprised that they're all pissed off at him. Dude, you threw their crosses out into the street! And now you're like, "Jesus! Save me!" and Jesus is like, "Dude, you just threw me into the street."

Lita: Or maybe He just fumigates the house.

wurwolf: Not Carlos. Roberto.

wurwolf: Sheesh, Lita, do all these people look alike to you?

Lita: Chick Tract people? Yes indeed.

wurwolf: Tim Burton's Santeria Babies are flying from the house.

wurwolf: It's Basement Cat without ears.

Lita: Vampire Negro Sperm shoots out of Carlos's nose.

Lita: I swear, the only time Chick puts black people in his tracts they're hep cats, drug dealers, ministers, or demon sperm.

wurwolf: It's true, they're terrible with that.

Lita: Nice drawing of Carlos. At first I thought the pillow behind him was his shoulders.

wurwolf: I can see why you'd think that. It also looks like he's floating in space.



wurwolf: "Something horrible came inside me!" *snicker*

Lita: Such a thing to print in a religious publication.

Lita would like to skip the incoming conversion sequence

wurwolf: Please do.


Lita: Hey! Santa wants to beat Roberto, too! But he ordered Carlos zombified in the first place!

wurwolf: Santa's just looking to beat someone's ass. He doesn't care who.

Lita: Maybe he's annoyed that Roberto wants to undo his spell. Or maybe he's just covering his ass.

wurwolf: Or maybe he's just out for kicks.

wurwolf: Jeez. Could they make the mob look any more stereotypical? I expect to see the Frito Bandito or Speedy Gonzalez there.


wurwolf: Suddenly Carlos is looking pretty smug. I think he's up to no good.

Lita: I'd trust him.


wurwolf: Wooo! Carlos pulled the ol' switcheroo!

Lita: Noooo! He looked like such a decent guy!

Lita: I think we're starting to see why Santa put a hit on him.

wurwolf: For reals.

wurwolf: I like that the demons are flying back. You can almost hear them shouting for joy.

Lita: That is a nice touch.

Lita: Completely ruined by the angry mob just letting the guy go. It's like, "WE KEELL YOU!!! WE KEEL YOU YOU GRINGO BASTARD!!! Or you can just get on the bus, that's ok."

wurwolf: And then immediately regretting their decision to let him get on the bus.



wurwolf: Mr. Dominic. That's just the best.

Lita: I enjoy the little asterisk to draw our attention to Roberto not calling him "Father."

wurwolf: Hey! It's a Mexican bus after all! There's a chicken!

Lita: Hee!! That chicken in the front seat is so freaked out! He just knows he's going to end up in somebody's witches brew.

wurwolf: He wears the expression of every chicken you've ever seen.

Lita: This is true. They all just know they're going to end up in somebody's witches brew.

Lita: Very paranoid, your average chicken.


wurwolf: Amazing how Father Dominic had no problem with what he was doing over the years, but one look at Carlos un-zombified state and he's ready to throw it all aside without any sort of reflection or soul-searching.

wurwolf: He is immediately on board with the fundie line of thinking that his church has hurt people and destroyed millions of souls.

Lita: No need to soul search when you believe in an obvious SCAM. Protestantism and Catholicism are so obviously different in every way that Dominic clearly would have no problem once somebody pointed out Protestantism exists.

Lita: His problem was he never heard of Jesus.

wurwolf: Or at least not Roberto's Jesus.

wurwolf: Roberto so cheerfully informs Mr. Dominic that Jesus called the Catholic church a big stinkin' whore.

Lita: Jesus so regrets that poorly planned night with the Catholic Church in Italy. It was only about $5 but He's been itchy ever since.

Read more!

Do you think it was a smiting?

As many people would have noticed immediately if anybody read this blog, we've been having technical difficulties lately. For whatever reason, Blogger borked Javascript and then our little "Read More" links that collapse and uncollapse the individual blog entries refused to open anymore rendering most of the blog unreadable.

I have some finals coming up this week that I do not want to study for, so this became the ideal time to hunt for a solution that doesn't require Javascript. I found one, and now the problem seems to be fixed. Click on the roasting Sodomites above for the link.

Like last time, not every post was willing to go along with the new changes (Last Judge, appropriately, was the most willful) so if you go through the archives you'll see a lot of posts aren't collapsed. I'm sure I don't know why they don't work, but at least you can read them at all. That's the main thing, right?

You may notice that this version of the collapsible post opens the full post in a new page instead of opening it right there on the page you're viewing like the old one did. This isn't ideal, but it's what we'll have to live with at least for now. As always, if you find any posts that are just plain broken, let us know, won't you?

Read more!

Li'l Susy

I have to admit, this may be the first tract that nearly broke me. Divorce is a subject that hits close to home and I had a hard time with the tract at first. Lucky for me, the anti-single parent sentiment expressed early on in this tract gave way to a skeevy pedo vibe. With Lita's help I was able to rise to the occasion of making fun of a tract with a character slightly cuter but no less creepy than Bob Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, we introduce to you....



Lita: I wish that cover picture were larger. I can't see what she's doing with all those birds and bees.

wurwolf: I was thinking the same thing. It does look, however, like she's a fun-loving and happy-go-lucky scamp, the kind of easygoing live and let live girl who loves all people no matter what their color or creed.

Lita: Not at all the kind of horrible little creep that readers will eventually discover her to be.

wurwolf: Not at all.



wurwolf: I'm trying to distract myself from the offensiveness to come by looking at the picture. Is the fire hydrant off the sidewalk?

Lita: Perhaps, but if you look closely it appears she may be sitting on stairs.

Lita: Stairs that lead to a brick wall, like all well-thought out staircases do.

wurwolf: I think that's a stretch. Like you said, she's got a wall behind her.

Lita: I think the hydrant is on the sidewalk and she's sitting on the first step of a two-step staircase that leads to a wall.

wurwolf: I think you're making excuses for shitty artwork.

Lita: It's a metaphor for her life as a child without a mother.

wurwolf: Oh wow, that's good. Well, if that's the case, well played, Chick tracts.

Lita: My poor English major is going to waste.

wurwolf: Clearly Lil Susy doesn't have a mom. What mother would dress her kid in a t-shirt and short pants when it's so chilly out that the other girl needs a turtleneck and heavy stockings?

wurwolf: I'm assuming that between the first and second frame the two girls got up and walked from the city to the country.

Lita: Maybe there's a park on Chipmunk Face's side of the street.

wurwolf: If that's the case then the tree is awfully close to the brick wall.

wurwolf: Maybe the brick wall is a fence of some sort.

wurwolf: With a fire hydrant on the inside of the wall....

wurwolf: My head hurts.

Lita: Maybe it's the same poor city planning that led to the brick wall behind the stairs.

wurwolf: Possibly

Lita: Maybe the wall is to keep the gays out of the park. You know you can't trust the gays around little children.



wurwolf: That's right, Lil Susy. There's no way parents who are divorced love their children. Clearly your friend needs to get that through her thick skull, feelings be damned.

Lita: "No, Cathy, my mom wasn't like yours. Mine loved me."

wurwolf: Lil Susy's mom loved her so much she died.

Lita: Lil Susy is pretty cheerful about the fact that she killed her own mom.

wurwolf: She's probably cheerful because her mom loved her to death. Unlike Cathy, who is a waste of a human life because her parents are divorced.

Lita: If only Cathy had loved her mother enough to kill her like Susy did. Then she wouldn't have this problem.

wurwolf: It's her own fault, really.



wurwolf: Lil Susy's got so much love, she offed her father, too.

Lita: "My heart... pills.... Susy.... For the love of God... give me my... heart pills...." "No, Father. It is for the love of God that I cannot. You're going to go see Jesus now."

wurwolf: Alright, so now Susy's sitting on a wall, but there are no bricks.

wurwolf: It's like the artist started with a brick wall and then decided that drawing all those bricks was too much trouble.

Lita: Asslan must have warped them to Tardia. You can see the mysterious hydrant in the wilderness right there.

wurwolf: Any minute now Mr. Dumnus will show up.



Lita: Poor kid. Look at her screwing up her little chipmunk face. I wonder where Daddy is? Probably screwing some slut, no doubt.

Lita: Probably some dippy schoolteacher.

wurwolf: Most likely. Or the babysitter.

wurwolf: Cathy is so angry about her father remarrying that she's turning into a werewolf.

Lita: Man. It must be rough to only have your mom around, especially since, as Susy pointed out, said mother doesn't love you.

Lita: "If only your mom had loved you more, she'd have been able to keep your dad around."

wurwolf: Too bad Cathy is so unlovable.

Lita: Wuh-oh. I think Susy's eyeball has burst and is dripping out of her skull.

wurwolf: She looks like she's looking at a tick on the back of Cathy's head.

Lita: I do sympathize with kids who have a parent that leaves and then never wants to contact them again. Marriages break up for various reasons and it's sad, but however you may feel about your former spouse, refusing to have anything to do with your child is pretty indefensible. Unless... Maybe if the child is a psycho. Like that Bad Seed kid. I wonder if Cathy's a Bad Seed.

Lita: We know Li'l Susy is. Maybe that's why she's befriending Cathy. There can be only one!

wurwolf: It's a duel to the death! And Susy's had experience!

Lita: They'll end up fighting in some big abandoned warehouse or something.

wurwolf: It will be an epic battle, the tale of which will be handed down through the ages.

Lita: And Susy will swing her sword and Cathy will think she missed and smile... But then a gap will appear in her neck and her head will fall off.

Lita: And then all these sparks will shoot out of her neckhole and Susy will absorb all her powers, as well as the wisdom of the ages.

Lita: And we will all be lost.

wurwolf: You watch too much tv.

Lita: That was a movie. A very awesome movie.



wurwolf: This overhead shot of a bird feeding and caring for their young brought to you by Focus on the Family.

Lita: Check Cathy's teeth. It's like she knows a fight is coming. She's got her mouth guard in.

wurwolf: Smart girl.

wurwolf: Her face changes more than anyone else I've ever seen in these tracts, though.



Lita: Gah!!! She's turning into Chuckie!!! I think we're on to something with this Bad Seed theory!

wurwolf: I can't believe Cathy doesn't say, "Are you fucking insane?" when Susy proposes her daddy can be Cathy's daddy, too.

wurwolf: Unless they're in a polygamist cult. Then it makes total sense.

Lita: They better hurry up with the big reveal that New Daddy is Jesus, because the more they drag it out the more it's starting to sound like Li'l Susy's recruiting for a child prostitution ring.

wurwolf: Which really, isn't above Chick publications.

Lita: "Big Daddy says your income is slipping, Cathy. You're gonna have to lose those teeth."

Lita: I can't even begin to describe the face Cathy's making in this second panel. I want to compare her to some cartoon character, but I can't place it.

wurwolf: Like something out of Bedknobs & Broomsticks.

wurwolf: It occurs to me that we can't see Susy's face as she's talking about her "new father". I wonder if that's so we can't see the evil glint in her eyes.



Lita: Grandpa showed her how to get a new father? I know what she's going for, but my goodness does that sound sinister.

wurwolf: It does sound sinister, along the order of The Stepford Wives. Like Grandpa showed her how to build an animatronic father in the basement.

Lita: I was thinking more along like "Hey, Li'l Susy, this is Uncle Ray. He's moving in with us now. You can look at him like a new father."

wurwolf: Ha, like Uncle Ray is Grandpa's new lover.

Lita: Exactly

wurwolf: Finally! Cathy is now questioning Susy's sanity and motives.

Lita: Cathy doesn't want Susy's great grandpa to be her daddy.

wurwolf: Look at the expression of innocence on Susy's face. "But there's only one way you can meet him...."

wurwolf: BY DYING!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Lita: "...Put this gun in your mouth."

Lita: Heh! Li'l Susy's old Daddy also lives up in heaven. She's awash with dead dads!

wurwolf: It's a Daddy party up there.

wurwolf: Cathy, like everyone in Chick tracts, is stunned to hear that God did something for her. I guess I can excuse that, she's pretty young.

Lita: And she doesn't have any parents around who care enough to give her the "love gift" spiel.

Lita: Poor thing's really going to be in the woods when she discovers boys.

Lita: That'll be in about five minutes once Li'l Susy gets her roped into Big Daddy's family business.



wurwolf: Gross. How does Lil Susy know what a virgin is?

Lita: I'm telling you. Something isn't on the up and up with her and her grandpa and this Daddy thing.

wurwolf: I agree. I am getting the strangest sex vibe from this whole Lil Susy/new Daddy thing.

wurwolf: Seriously, this tract is hurting my heart. "God was inside the little boy." I mean, I know. I know about Jesus being both fully God and man, but.... blurgh...

Lita: Yeah. That along with a lot of the dialogue in this tract can be classified as technically correct... but why did they use this phrasing that makes it sound so sexual? Especially in a tract about little girls!

wurwolf: Perhaps because it's a tract about little girls. Yick.



Lita: What is sin, Cathy? You don't know what sin is? Oh, you will know.

Lita: I'm skipping around because we've read this song and dance before, but look at this here where Susy explains what sin is. It's the naughty things that people do? Naughty?

Lita: Yeah, "naughty" is a way to say "bad" to little kids, but come on. It's taken such a sexualized connotation in recent decades.

wurwolf: You're right. It's gross.

Lita: "Your dad ran off with some slut. He's so... naughty."

wurwolf: "She was a very naughty slut."

Lita: Take note, divorced people who remarried... Li'l Susy is sick of your shit and she is coming to get you.

wurwolf: She took out her mother, she took out her father... and you're next.

Lita: That face will be the last thing you see before you die.

wurwolf: Imagine lying in your bed at night with that looming over you in the dark, butcher knife in hand.

Lita: She doesn't need a knife. I fully believe she could just tear your throat out with her teeth.



wurwolf: If Susy's trying to sell this new daddy thing to Cathy, she's making the new daddy sound like a dick.

wurwolf: "You like to lie? Then I guess you're not good enough for the new daddy...."

Lita: "I lie a lot... Like all that business I told you about my dad leaving for some whore? I totally made all that up. Welp, I better get back to my happy home. Goodbye, you crazy orphan!"

wurwolf: Cathy shifts into McCauley Culkin mode.

Lita: Blah blah blah, overly graphic for children crucifixion story.



Lita: Cathy is Chuckying again.

wurwolf: She's really taking this story to heart.

wurwolf: Cathy, Susy's nuts. Don't you realize that by now?

Lita: "Nobody does that to my New Daddy!"

wurwolf: I gotta say, though, kudos on the teeth. Teeth are really hard to draw.

Lita: As evidenced by the whole rest of this tract.

Lita: She's gritting those teeth into fine powder. "What?" she growls, "This better be good or I'm going to go dig up those assholes and finish the job myself" remains unsaid.

wurwolf: "But then something happened three days later that made the devil want to faint!" She makes it sound like the devil got the vapors when Jesus rose from the dead.

wurwolf: "Oh I do declare. Abaddon dear, could you please get my smelling salts?"

Lita: Aaaaaaand.... more boring witnessing



wurwolf: I love the posture in this frame. Susy is sitting and Cathy is lying on the ground looking up at her.

wurwolf: Makes Susy look like a giant.

Lita: Their faces are kind of terrifying me.



wurwolf: You know what's terrifying me? Cathy on her hands and knees. Please stop, Cathy.

Lita: Just practicing for her new life once Susy gets her home.

wurwolf: Well, Chick does love to have people stick their butts in the air when they're about to undergo conversion.



Lita: Oh, hey! There's the brick wall again. They found their way out of the magical land of Tardia.

Lita: "You're in God's family now. And you better not disappoint the family, you know what I'm sayin'?"



Lita: Wow. The eyes in this panel. Don't look at your new sister's tits, Cathy. She's eight and she doesn't have any.

wurwolf: Everything in this panel. I have never seen two more skeevy kids, and we've covered a lot of creepy kids in these tracts.

Lita: There is no bigger creep than Li'l Susy. Except maybe Bob Williams.

Lita: Credit where it's due, though, I like that drawing of the Kingdom of Heaven next door. I'm thinking they woke up the Soul Story artist to do that.

wurwolf: If you look really close you can see Susy's parents giving her the finger.

Read more!

Soul Story

Hey there all you soul brothers and soul sisters, honkeys and honkettes. It's time for us to get down and chillax and read us a story about a man. A strong man. A man of action. A man who gets all the chicks. A man you don't want to mess wit, ya dig? A real cool cat. This here's our first ever blaxploitation tract and, dig this, we were more blown away than anybody to discover that we...

We... didn't hate this one.

Weird huh? So catch us on the flipside and see what's shakin' as we check out...




wurwolf: Okay, so with this tract, as opposed to the last tract we covered, we get the truth about the date this was published. Clearly, even from the front cover alone, this tract was written in the 70s.

Lita: I love this cover. I love everything about this cover. This is the best cover ever.

wurwolf: The 70s was rife with blaxploitation films, from which I suspect this tract got inspiration.

wurwolf: And only blaxploitation films.

Lita: If I could get this cover blown up and in high res and put it on my wall, I'd do it so fast.

wurwolf: I have to agree with you, I think that this is the most badass cover we've ever seen. And I include the Dungeons & Dragons tract in that.

Lita: Can the tract itself possibly live up to the cover's badassery?

wurwolf: We shall see!


Lita: Hey, it's a return to The Contract style art!

wurwolf: That's right. It's nice to switch back and forth sometimes, although we sadly will not see the usual Fang/Badcat hijinx from this artist.

wurwolf: Wow. You just know it's an emergency -- look at that Code Blue font. If that doesn't say emergency, I don't know what does.

Lita: What tipped him off that the riot is phony? Are they throwing foam rubber bricks at the guards? I guess when they bounce off their heads, that would be a clue.

wurwolf: I'll bet the warden thinks there's a riot going on, but it's really just the prisoners practicing their "Thriller" dance moves.

Lita: One thing that this artist does well is the rage face. It makes the rage faces in other tracts just look poorly drawn and stupid.

wurwolf: I agree, the rage face is pretty extreme.



wurwolf: Alright, I'm calling bullshit. How did the prisoners get a baseball bat and a knife? The most prisoners would ever have is a spoon chiseled into a shiv.

Lita: The black guy's name is Jackson.

wurwolf: It was a toss-up between that or Washington or Lincoln.

Lita: The guy in prison is a black guy. The other guy in prison appears to be some variety of Asian.

wurwolf: I thought the other guy was Latino.

wurwolf: I'm guessing they'll be breaking out the @!**! a lot in this tract.

Lita: Suppose that's a stirring indictment of our justice system for unfairly targeting racial minorities, do you think? Or a society that contrives to keep minorities down while glorifying the criminal lifestyle to the point where they feel they have no other options?

wurwolf: No, I think it's just Jack Chick lumping in as many stereotypes as he can fit in one panel.

Lita: Oh, ok. I guess that makes more sense.

wurwolf: At first I thought the guy kneeling over Jackson was holding a wineglass until I realized it was a stethoscope.

Lita: I thought it was a razor. I was thinking, "Oh! That nice man is going to give Jackson a shave!"

wurwolf: Is it wrong of me to think that Jackson's chest looks really hot and sexy?

Lita: That depends. Is Jackson still alive?

Lita: It's not good to get yourself all worked up over a dead guy.

wurwolf: I think he's dead, which is why I'm keeping a lid on getting worked up. That, and he's a cartoon.

Lita: Good call.

Lita: Leroy, though, he's alive. Golly.

wurwolf: Enter bad, bad Leroy... well, I don't know if he's Leroy Brown or what.

Lita: That is a mountain of a man.

wurwolf: For reals, yo. Tru dat!

wurwolf: (Just getting into the spirit of the tract.)

Lita: Is this happening now or are we in flashback mode?

wurwolf: I am not exactly sure. We've been given no indication that there's a flashback going on. No wavy lines or word boxes.

wurwolf: So I guess it's safe to assume that Leroy's grandmother is in prison with him?

Lita: She's on the other side of that glass you talk through.

wurwolf: Oh! I thought the artist was getting arty and showing a split screen, but she's on the other side of the glass. Yes, I see that now.

Lita: Aww, Leroy loves his Grammy. I like Leroy.

wurwolf: It's nice of him not to yell, "STFU, BITCH!"

Lita: That's why I think he'll get saved at the end. Usually people in these things who don't get saved have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They are unrepentantly evil all the way through. Except Broosey Woosey.



wurwolf: Leroy, I can't blame you. "Gotta go!" is usually my reaction when someone starts preaching at me, too.

wurwolf: I spend too much time on the intranets. At first I thought the guard said, "Sounds like your Grandma is a fanfic!"

Lita: That would be pretty insulting. Though not very sensical.

Lita: That is such a douchey smile on the prison guard's face. Whatever else happens in this tract, we can't fault the art. It's fantastic.

wurwolf: I agree, and I also think the guard's suit is electric. Like seriously electrified. Because the damn thing is glowing like crazy.

wurwolf: *GASP!* There's a ghost in the background!

wurwolf: Usually when someone is calling me a white @*!!! my first instinct is to do the total opposite of "C'MERE!"

Lita: Mine is to kick them out of the classroom.



Lita: His name IS Leroy Brown!

Lita: Baddest cat in the whole @**!!!@ town!

wurwolf: HOLY SHIT

Lita: I'm noticing a disturbing amount of variation in the swear censorship punctuation in this tract.

wurwolf: So this confirms my theory that regarding African Americans, Jack Chick only knows what he's heard in pop culture.

wurwolf: I guess being a lifer means you don't have to go to boring meetings with the warden.

Lita: They figure you have enough bummers in your life already.

wurwolf: It's nice of them to be so accommodating.

Lita: If I were the warden I'd fire that guy in the back. It is really unprofessional to grin and make jackoff motions during a meeting of this magnitude.


Lita: Now that is an OUTFIT, Leroy!

wurwolf: Leroy turned into Super Fly.

Lita: I know that this tract was just written a long time ago, but I prefer to think that (a) Leroy's been locked up for a LONG time and these are the clothes he was wearing when they arrested him, or (b) this is what Jack Chick thinks black people really dress like.

wurwolf: I think both are valid conclusions.

wurwolf: Am I missing something? What does "Littlebit" mean?

wurwolf: Is that his friend's name? Or is he saying he'll go upstairs in a little bit?

Lita: Is that just what he calls his brother?

Lita: Or... wait? Is this guy really his brother or is he just calling him his brother because they are black people?

wurwolf: I honestly don't know. I'm not trying to be funny, I just don't understand what Chick is going for here.

wurwolf: Looks like his brother just finished up his shift at the Jesus Pizzeria.

Lita: This tract is a narrative mess. But the art is FANTASTIC.

wurwolf: Agreed


wurwolf: I mean, SERIOUSLY. Look at that outfit!

wurwolf: The man is a magnificent pirate!

Lita: Holy shit. He turned into a bullfighter or Zorro or something.

wurwolf: It's almost like you can just skip the crappy dialog and just look at the pictures.

Lita: That's what I've been doing. Has anything happened in this story so far?

wurwolf: Hell if I know.

wurwolf: Leroy is so badass, he ripped the door right off the hinges with one hand and didn't even break a sweat.

wurwolf: How did they make a prison that contained him?

Lita: This is a slum. The door probably wasn't screwed on so tight to begin with.

wurwolf: Shh! I prefer to think that Leroy is just that awesome.

Lita: The look on his face is wonderful, though. It's a look that says, "Yes, I'm the greatest. Drink me in, Ladies."

wurwolf: Seriously, the dialog is shit. "Jive turkey" -- WTF? Jack Chick must have been watching Good Times when he was writing this.

Lita: Is that Gloria peeking out from behind the Jive Turkey?

wurwolf: Possibly.


Lita: OH WOW!!! Wait... what just happened?

wurwolf: Cthulhu showed up?

wurwolf: An earthquake happened?

Lita: It's taking some time to parse.

Lita: I guess one guy pulled a knife and got punched out by the other guy. Not sure why the fat guy in the crowd is the one who's groaning with pain, though.

wurwolf: I think you're right. RD pulled a knife and Leroy was all, Oh hell no and punched the shit out of him. And then little tiny Gloria, who's a midget, is hanging onto Leroy out of fear.




wurwolf: Or maybe a truck rolled by and ran over RD.

Lita: That's what he looks like. Jive Turkey is spitting his teeth out onto the floor.

wurwolf: "Jive Turkey." Please. Don't you know their names yet?

Lita: Leroy's the boss. If he says that guy's name is Jive Turkey then that is what that guy's name is.

Lita: That bible verse seems pretty out of place. It doesn't seem to match anything we're looking at.

wurwolf: I'm not sure whether it's applying to RD's past or Leroy's future.


wurwolf: Apparently being the boss comes with an opulent office.

Lita: I always hear that gang bangers live a life of luxury.

Lita: Well... maybe not really.

wurwolf: Looks like Rudy from Fat Albert showed up to give some plot exposition.




wurwolf: The ghost of Leroy Brown is on his way!

Lita: Oh gross!!! I scrolled down to this row too slowly and thought we were getting a love scene and I was thinking, "Wow! Pretty racy for a Chick Tract!" and then I scrolled down more and saw he was with his GRANDMA!!

wurwolf: Yes! I thought the same thing!

Lita: "I'm glad you came!"

wurwolf: I'll bet she is. Leroy is a gang-banger!

Lita: Even when the art in a Chick tract is really good, it still manages to be really bad in its own special way.

Lita: Take Grandma, for example. Why is Leroy's grandmother an Eskimo?

wurwolf: I thought she was an elderly Chinese woman.

wurwolf: Man, Grandma just laid a smackdown on Leroy. "I love you too, Grandma." "Child, you don't know what love is until you know Jesus!"

wurwolf: Jeez. Sorry, Grandma. Next time I'll just keep my feelings to myself.

Lita: "Fine, then Grandma, I don't love you and I never did. Are you happy now?"

Lita: Grandma: *dies*



wurwolf: Oh, phone booth. How I am taken by your nostalgic whimsy.

wurwolf: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Free funeral food!

Lita: Nowadays you're lucky if you get a flimsy little phone alcove.

wurwolf: Yeah, once in a while I'll see a phone booth still around and it's always beat to hell.

Lita: I don't think I've ever seen an actual Superman's Changing Room phone booth.

wurwolf: You're not missing a whole lot.


wurwolf: Second tract in a row with a funeral scene.

Lita: How could he miss? The car's aimed right at them. Keep driving straight and you can bulldoze them all right into Grandma's grave.

wurwolf: I don't know, but I love the pencil work on this tract. Look how it conveys the feeling of motion. Beautiful.

Lita: I agree. I really can't say enough times how great the art is in this thing. It's really refreshing after the drek we've looked at in the past.


wurwolf: I guess Leroy and friends have an aversion to someone yelling "BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA!" out a car window at them. Knocked them on their asses.

Lita: I don't blame them. I was never a big fan of Mike Meyers' portrayal of Jewish women.

wurwolf: I like Leroy's Harry Potter scar. Yet another thing JK Rowling lifted.

Lita: I guess she was as impressed by the art as we are

wurwolf: Aw, Gloria's dead. Not a surprise, really.

Lita: Hooking up with your late girlfriend's sister while looking at her corpse in the morgue? I'm sorry, Chick Tracts, I know you're all, "uppity black people!" but I do not believe that Leroy is that sleezy.

Lita: Or the sister, for that matter.


wurwolf: And then they take it to a whole other level of skeeviness, because Gloria's sister not only reminds Leroy of Gloria but of his grandmother, too.

Lita: "Why do I feel this way? She's not at all like Gloria... She sort of reminds me of my grandma!"

Lita vomits all over her keyboard

wurwolf: Yeah. I know the feeling.

wurwolf: Oh those two crazy kids, from two different worlds wanting to cross over. It's like the battle of the TV show titles.

Lita: Well, Leroy isn't the first guy to "find religion" in order to get into a girl's pants, and he won't be the last.



Lita: Jive Turkey seems like a fine upstanding young man to me. I don't see any reason why Leroy shouldn't put his complete trust in him.

wurwolf: I'm too busy checking out Leroy's half-naked bod as he's lolling around in bed. Nice.

wurwolf: Also, nice padded headboard.

wurwolf: Jeez, AK-47s and grenades? Leroy is the final boss in a video game.

Lita: Hey! They all brought guns! Can't I trust any of you guys???

wurwolf: I'm a little confused about exactly who is shooting who.

Lita: Everybody's shooting everybody.

wurwolf: I mean, I assume Leroy just strolled into the church with no weapons on him and got stabbed in the back (literally) by RD, but I can't really tell.

wurwolf: Wait... Leroy brought a gun with him?

Lita: Leroy brought a gun, Jive Turkey brought a gun, EVERYBODY brought guns. And grenades! KAVOOM!



Lita: That's just the way you are if you're a black person in a Chick tract.

wurwolf: Yeah, good point.

wurwolf: So Chick is saying that black people are just toting around guns and grenades all the time, I guess.

Lita: They been spendin' most their lifes livin' in a gangsta's paradise.

wurwolf throws her shoe at Lita.

Lita: OW!! You know, I guess I shouldn't expect more from you. You come from such a violent race.

wurwolf: You're just lucky I don't sue your ass.

wurwolf: Okay, so we're skipping some panels where everyone's bleeding all over the place, some dudes might not make it to the car, blah blah blah

Lita: Moving on.

wurwolf: Was Joyce getting ready to become a Russian bride or something?

Lita: Yeah. That is really some hat.

wurwolf: And dress.

Lita: And those are really some arms on Leroy!

wurwolf: Well, he did spend a lot of time in jail, probably weight-lifting.

wurwolf: Okay, the dumb dialog boxes are covering way too much of the awesome artwork, so I'm skipping the gospel message.

Lita: You know, in the white person tracts the person telling about Christ doesn't feel the need to explain everything in parentheses. If I were black I'd be so insulted.

wurwolf: Like black people are all, "Buh?" when someone says "believeth".

Lita: That's all I have to say about the gospel, part, though, so you're right. We can safely skip it.

wurwolf: We've heard it a billion times before anyway.

wurwolf: You know, I can't help but think that if Leroy hadn't been saved he'd still be alive.

Lita: If he hadn't been dying he wouldn't have gotten saved.

Lita: I really like this last panel, though.

wurwolf: Huh.

Lita: I don't know if I've been reading too many tracts or if it's because I'm on the rag or what, but I find this panel genuinely touching.

wurwolf: I think it's because you're on the rag. I find nothing touching about it.

wurwolf: Or maybe I'm just a cynical asshole.

Lita: She's crying because he just died, but he has this faint smile because he's finally at peace. It's kind of nice.

Lita: I can see how this tract would be more successful than any of the others we've looked at before on this blog. You know. If it weren't so racist.

wurwolf: Yeah. They must just use it for white people.

Lita: I think this is seriously the best tract we've ever done. And it's all in the artwork. See, Chick Tracts? See what happens when you hand the pencil to somebody with a little talent?

wurwolf: And it's a tract where the message can be taken seriously.

wurwolf: Oh, who am I kidding.

Read more!

This Was Your Life

Wow! Have we been out for over a year? Sorry about that. The fact of the matter is, wurwolf and I had very different work schedules, not to mention living in different time zones, and we found it hard to find large enough blocks of time when we were both able to sit down and write for the blog. That's the trouble with collaboration, you know. However, thanks to the economy taking a nosedive, I have suddenly found myself with all kinds of crazy time where I can just sit and read and discuss religious tracts to my heart's content. Clearly, God had a plan for me. (Yes, I am implying that He engineered the entire economic collapse just to get me and wurwolf to update our blog.) Truly, God never slams a door in your face without shoving you through a window... shards of glass cutting your once-perfect skin to ribbons...

In other news, today's tract is a classic! You can't even go to the Chick site without this appearing almost every banner ad you see. It also happens to be one I gave to my brother many years ago when I was trying to get him to accept Christ. It didn't work. See if you can figure out why, as we take you through...






Lita: Eat, drink and be merry! Now there's a bible verse we can all get behind!

wurwolf: At first I thought this tract was drawn in the 1960s. Silly me.

Lita: 2002?? I gave this to my brother waaay before 2002.

Lita: 1993 at the latest.

wurwolf: Well, that date looks awfully suspicious anyway. Like they pasted it in.

Lita: Chick Tracts, how can we trust you to tell us the truth about the afterlife if we can't even trust you about the date?

wurwolf: That house and the car... the angles. It's like an MC Escher house.

Lita: Is he in an alcove with the car sticking out through a wall or is he at an outer corner of a really wonky house?

wurwolf: That's what I've been trying to figure out, and I'm going to have to stop because it's making my brain hurt. Also, the guy is nearly as tall as his house. WTF?

wurwolf: I think the guy on TV is robbing a bear at gunpoint.

Lita: It's well known that bears are loaded.

Lita: I like the smug look as our hero smokes his pipe and drinks his gin and tonic.

wurwolf: And wears his Dick Van Dyke sweater.

Lita: I'd look smug too, if that were my car.

wurwolf: I think it's a Datsun 280ZX.

wurwolf: His eyebrow is in the same curve as his mouth

Lita: He has a new flashy car but his TV has knobs down the side.

wurwolf: That's because it's not 2002, but 1993.



Lita: So how is our hero dying here? Did Death taze him?

wurwolf: Perhaps. We can't see. Maybe Death just put the whammy on him. Death can do that.

wurwolf: I like that his pipe and drink are still hanging in mid-air while he falls to the ground. Even in death, the wacky hilarity of comic hijinks is apparent.

Lita: Sudden death can cause spontaneous telekenesis. That's why the pipe and drink are levitating.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'm just glad they spelled judgment correctly



Lita: I like the bible verse calling the priest out on saying Boyfriend was a good man. Like priests should be truthful and slag on the deceased all through the funeral.

wurwolf: "He was an unclean thing!" God, I want someone to say that about me at my funeral. I would love it.

Lita: "His iniquities, like the wind, have taken him away!"

wurwolf: Okay, he's in the ground. I can't tell if they've thrown the dirt over him yet or what. I do appreciate, however, the cutaway view, like looking at an ant farm.

Lita: I do like that effect. Credit where it's due.

wurwolf: I also like how spread out the people are. The dude in the striped tie just isn't sure if he wants to be a part of this funeral.

Lita: "He wasn't THAT good of a man..."

wurwolf: "I'm just here for the buffet."

wurwolf: That boy may or may not be pitching quarters into the grave.

Lita: He heard that Charon likes a bribe to ferry you across the River Styx.

wurwolf: Whoa, going all mythological there on us.

Lita: That boy is going to Hell.



wurwolf: Alright, I admit that I gravitate towards the naughty, but I truly thought that said "ARSE" and not "ARISE".

wurwolf: And I was like, Okay, so why is God calling Boyfriend an arse? That's kind of harsh.

Lita: Probably all the hot nude corpse action turning your head.

wurwolf: He looks like a grown-up version of the Love Is... dude.

Lita: The crack in the ground across his thighs looks kind of like the ripped hem of a skirt. It diminishes the mood somewhat.

wurwolf: His ARISING was so violent it tilted his gravestone. Haha, his AROUSAL.

Lita: The shading between his legs and the edge of the panel kind of looks like a lady.

Lita: A naked lady.

wurwolf: I wonder if it hurts to ARISE through all of that dirt.

Lita: Looks like mainly it's just eye-crossingly confusing.

wurwolf: Also, the poor man is nipple-free. I will agree that they are generally useless on men, but it seems kind of demeaning to be drawn without them.

Lita: He's like a Ken doll.



wurwolf: I'm going to skip the obligatory Belinda Carlisle reference; mostly because that song will be stuck in my head all day if I don't.

Lita: That song was stuck in my head from 1987 to 1991.

Lita: But I liked it, so it was ok.

wurwolf: Gross, Lita.

Lita: I was a child. What did I know?

Lita: Boyfriend, you're talking to a gigantic white dude with wings. I think maybe you should accept that he might know a little more about Heaven and Hell than you do.

wurwolf: Yeah, like where is Boyfriend going to go? He's dead and nude. He might as well go with the angel.

wurwolf: The angel dude's face and neck are freaking me out a little. He looks like he has buttons for eyes.

Lita: Something we've seen in these tracts before is angels carrying dead people to heaven and they always have their arms around the dead person's shoulders.

Lita: It looks sort of protective, and I admit I kind of like it. Can't really be a plum job for the angel, though.

Lita: "Time to take another child molester to be judged. *sigh* ...Ok, get under my wing."

wurwolf: I just hope the angels are genital-free. I honestly don't know if I'd want an angel boner in my ass crack while I'm being taken to see God.

wurwolf: Talk about embarrassing. "Hey God, yeah, me and the angel weren't doing anything. Just flying here to see you."



wurwolf: I don't really have anything new to say about this panel, except I always like when they try to get arty in these things.

Lita: Me too.



wurwolf: So Beetlejuice was right. There is a waiting room in the afterlief.

Lita: That poor angel has to wait with his guy until he's gone through the whole process? Man, this assignment is getting suckier by the moment!

Lita: I have to imagine it's a really long line.

wurwolf: Well, thanks, Romans 3:10, for ruining the ending for us. You could have at least done a spoiler alert.

Lita: How come Boyfriend has to stand behind the cube-seat thing? Come on, Mr. Angel, you can scoot your scroll over and let him sit down.

wurwolf: No one wants to see a dead guy's weiner.

Lita: Poor Boyfriend is so nervous. He's pulling on the angel's arm like, "Come on, it'll be ok, won't it?" The angel just doesn't give a crap.

wurwolf: The angel is so stoic.

Lita: It's the not caring that got him this job.

wurwolf: I like that "A REAL GOOD LIFE" is in arty font. They downloaded that font from the internet.

wurwolf: We've seen the throne scene a million times. Let's skip that panel, shall we?

Lita: We shall.



Lita: THIS WAS YOUR LIFE!

Lita: That must be where they got the title!

Lita: And the cover art, now that I look at it.

wurwolf: Hey everybody, the movie's starting! Shhh!



Lita: Yes, Boyfriend, it means they're going to review everything you've ever done. It also means that this will be a really boring movie.

wurwolf: Are Boyfriend and the angel holding hands?

Lita: I think he's just clutching at his arm. He's so scared! The angel still couldn't care less.

wurwolf: He was a grumpy baby.

Lita: "The stitching on this bunny is a bit wide."

wurwolf: Kid, you've got the Velveteen Rabbit and Raggedy Ann for toys. Quit being such a little dick.

wurwolf: This is awesome, it's like a drive-in movie.

wurwolf: It would be great if God would let you make a party out of it. Invite your friends. Serve drinks. Have a barbecue.

Lita: My whole unedited life? We would need a LOT of drinks. I am not an exciting person.

Lita: And I would think that even the most action-packed exciting life would have a lot of downtime that nobody really needs to see.

Lita: God, can we at least cut out all the times we were asleep or just reading a magazine or pooping or thinking about pooping or whatever?

wurwolf: I refuse to believe that God doesn't edit at least a little bit.

wurwolf: Because seriously, it's bad enough we've got to watch EVERY person's movie who ever existed. I don't want to see how some dude in American Samoa swept his front porch or whatever.

Lita: I bet even if you cut it down to just a sin reel, it would still be a very long and intensely dull film.


wurwolf: He's best friends with Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling and James Dean.

Lita: Poor 90's teenager. He only thinks that's the dirtiest story ever. One day the Internet will be mainstream and then he will know from dirty.

wurwolf: "There were these two girls, and they had one cup..."



Lita: ATTENTION MEN: IT IS A SIN TO BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

Lita: Not a stance I expected Chick Tracts to take, I admit.

wurwolf: True.

wurwolf: He is just as flat against that wall as he could possibly be. I'm guessing he's just coming out of the men's room.

Lita: If he'd just stayed in that bathroom and checked out some of the people in there, we might not have to look at this clip.

wurwolf: Really. Doesn't he know all he has to do is jingle his keys a few times?

Lita: Wait... is that a thing?

wurwolf: Yeah. If you're a dude and you want other dudes to bone you, you go in a men's room and jingle your keys.

wurwolf: You don't know this? I thought everyone knew this.

Lita: I knew there was a foot tapping thing. I did not know about the key jingling.

Lita: I jingle my keys all the time! I like the sound! Have I been unknowingly soliciting sex this whole time???

wurwolf: Yes

Lita: NOOOOOO!!!!

wurwolf: But only if you're doing it in men's rooms and you're a dude.

Lita: Oh, ok. I mainly just do it when I'm walking to my car.

wurwolf: You should be safe. Just be aware that dudes may be coming up to you to ask about boning you.

Lita: They may be barking up the wrong tree. I don't do it in the butt.

wurwolf: Bummer. I was looking forward to your life movie where you get boned in the butt.

Lita: Nah, we'll just have to wait and watch your movie.

wurwolf: Rimshot!



Lita: Boyfriend is a whoremonger?

wurwolf: He's a whoremonger, alright. He was eyeing up chicks outside of the men's room and thinking, "Ummm... nice."

wurwolf: Is it terrible of me to think that all of those sins they have listed aren't really so bad?

wurwolf: Except maybe Hater of God, but God has a real broad definition of what constitutes hate. From what I understand, He includes indifference in His definition of hate.

Lita: Depends on if they mean whoremonger to be a buyer or seller of whores. Customers are one thing but I'm no fan of pimps.

wurwolf: I'm not supposed to be whispering, according to this wall o' sin.

Lita: Is that bible verse wallpaper in the background?

wurwolf: Yeah, Jack Chick's got it in his kitchen.

wurwolf: Honestly, where is the really nasty stuff? Child molester? Murderer? Rapist? Lawyer?

wurwolf: Oh, I kid. I work for lawyers. Fun!



Lita: Mind ever wander in church? TO HELL WITH THEE!

Lita: Heaven help you if you accidentally think about sex in church.

wurwolf: Oh, I know, that one used to get me all the time.

wurwolf: I'd be sitting there thinking about banging my boyfriend and be like, Oh shit, I am in for it now.

Lita: "Oh shit, I just thought shit! Oh, fuck I did it again-- OH FUCK!"

wurwolf: It cracks me up that the pastor is pointing RIGHT AT BOYFRIEND while he's checking his watch. Also, a ghost is peering over his shoulder.

Lita: As I've mentioned in this blog before, I don't close my eyes when I pray in church. It's because church is early in the morning and I'm sleepy by nature. I figure it's less disrespectful to pray with your eyes open than to fall asleep during prayer, so I just bow my head and look down at my lap.

Lita: As a result, I often end up thinking about my own cleavage during church. So you can look forward to that coming up on the big screen.

wurwolf: I can hardly wait!



wurwolf giggles at Boyfriend saying "Bunk"

wurwolf: I am so saying that from now on.

wurwolf: Bunk!

Lita: Why is Boyfriend at church anyway if he didn't want to hear about Jesus? He doesn't appear to be with anybody. He just woke up early one Sunday morning and said, "I think I'll put on my best suit and join a congregation for a religion I don't believe in!"

wurwolf: Only in the world of Chick Publications.




wurwolf: God's got the biggest telephone book in the world.

Lita: The angel looks so smug when pointing out that Boyfriend isn't in there.

Lita: He finally showed an emotion.

wurwolf: He's been waiting this entire time to do that.

*INSERT RELIGIOUS CLIP-ART HERE*

wurwolf: And once again, Chick recycles a shot.

wurwolf: That shot of God on the throne telling the sinner to beat it is stock footage at this point.

Lita: Pretty much the whole middle of the tract.

Lita: God points to hell, angel nonchalantly throws a dude into the fire, wash, rinse, repeat.

wurwolf: The angel looks like he's trying to roast marshmallows over the flaming pits of Hell.



wurwolf: Speaking of slackness, the artists slacked off on the THIS CAN BE YOUR LIFE panel.



Lita: So is this guy who's accepting Christ supposed to be Boyfriend again, or is he a completely different dark-haired non-descript average guy?

wurwolf: I'm not sure. I think the tract is telling us that we get do-overs.

Lita: I wish.

Lita: Even Hitler approves of the new Boyfriend. Is that a good thing?

wurwolf: Hitler's just calling it like it is.

wurwolf: The montage of good deeds really turns me off. What a boring life.

Lita: I like this summary of a Christian life. Thrill as Boyfriend eats dinner, reads to children, shakes hands with the elderly, and writes on a clipboard! Completely alien from the non-Christian life!

wurwolf: Non-Christians have it all backwards. They eat clipboards, write on the elderly, shake children and read to their dinners.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'd rather be telling dirty stories and eyeing up hot chicks outside of the men's room.



Lita: And then he dies. Roll the going to Heaven clipart!

wurwolf: Bunk!

Thanks to Rimmi for her contributions!

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 -- yeah, right -- and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

Read more!

The Contract

As promised, this time around we're coming back to the comic that caused Tommy the Elder to find God. What tract could possibly be so powerful that even a glance at the first page caused a hard rockin' hard rocker to hang up his guitar? Let us find out together as we read...

wurwolf: According to the cover, Satan will accept a big red X as a signature on his contracts.

wurwolf: This makes me uneasy, since that sort of thing is easy to forge. He would just need to write my name at the top and mark it with a red sharpie, and boom! Just that quick I'm destined for hell.

Lita: That guy sure has hairy arms.

wurwolf: He's a gorilla.

Lita: Maybe he's signing over his soul in return for the fame and love humans will give him when the evil school system tells them he's their daddy.

Lita: So. First row! Just one look at this page made Tommy the Elder realize that rock and roll is evil and give himself over to Jesus.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'm not sure what brought him to his knees. The bright light? The hail storm? The nightgowns?

wurwolf: Good gravy, just what kind of wattage does that kid's lamp have? The thing is going super-nova.

Lita: It's biblical. God lives in lights and that's why you aren't allowed to hide them under bushels.

wurwolf: So the light is symbolic, then. The kid is bringing the Light of the World to his father.

Lita: It's not an analogy. Every verse of the bible must be taken completely literally.

Lita: Bob taught me that.

wurwolf: Then you have been taught the infallible and unerring truth.

Lita: I think that second panel might make me seek God.

Lita: Look at those people.

wurwolf: I have to say, I like the artwork in this tract. Chick Publications isn't very good about letting us know who the illustrator is. I'm assuming the writer is always Jack Chick, though.

Lita: According to the Chick website he's really elderly now and doesn't do as much of the writing as he used to. He mostly putters around his kitchen and occasionally sends them something. But this tract is even older than the last one we did, which was from the 80's. So he might have had more direct input then.

wurwolf: I find it sad that they don't give any credit to the artists, though. At least none that I've seen.

wurwolf: But, in spite of the halfway-decent artwork, I'm confused about something. Is that dust rising from the ground or clouds come to earth?

Lita: That kid looks kind of bored. He must have been through all this before.

Lita: It's like in the Little House on the Prairie show. Every time Pa plants a crop it gets destroyed and then he has to borrow money or take some super dangerous job out of town.

wurwolf: Well, drama sells.

wurwolf: Love the crazy cross-hatching on the back of Dad's head, though.

Lita: Dad's head is plaid

wurwolf: Maybe it's a hunting cap?

wurwolf: Which would make sense, now that his crop has been destroyed. He's got to feed his kid somehow.

Lita: Nah. It's pretty hairy to be a hat.

wurwolf: So I guess it's just the father and son. Is this Courtship of Eddie's Father or something? Where's the Japanese housekeeper?

Lita: He's trying to get money from the BA. Because people who borrow from banks are a bunch of SHEEP!

wurwolf groans

Lita: Again with the haws!

wurwolf: The "HAW HAW HAW" is all in a jaunty, jocular font.

wurwolf: Do we know if the haws signify an evil person?

Lita: I've always felt so.

wurwolf: I have to agree. Anyone who would haw must be unrepentantly evil.

Lita: It's only ever pulled out when somebody is experiencing a misfortune.

wurwolf: And used with extreme scorn and ridicule.

Lita: "My cat ran away and I haven't seen her for days--" "HAW!"

Lita: And then the punching begins.

wurwolf: "Is it my fault the hail ruined your crop?" So, by contrast, does that mean that the bank will only loan out money in cases where they claim responsibility?

Lita: "You're right! Our interest rates are excessively high! Here's some money!"

wurwolf: Farmer: My son drowned in the pond. Bank: Oh wow, we totally screwed up there. Here's a hundred bucks.

wurwolf: We're coming dangerously close to a buffalo shot of the farmer here.

Lita: John Freeman. Think that name is supposed to symbolize something?

wurwolf: I'm just surprised the tract didn't call this guy Tom or Tim.

wurwolf: The banker is cross-eyed with rage.

Lita: The kid is crippled? I guess that explains his face. But he's still pretty good at swinging God Lamps around for a cripple.

wurwolf: Stupid crippled kid. Way to be a burden to your dad.

Lita: The whole reason people had kids back then was so you could get an extra pair of hands to work your farm. Way to ruin your dad's life, you ungrateful brat.

wurwolf: I hope that kid apologizes to his poor long-suffering dad every day for being crippled.

wurwolf: You know, I notice that a lot of the words in this tract are underlined. I wonder, if you took all of the underlined words, would they spell out a secret message?

Lita: So far we have "deep do money my our." Other than the first two words, I'm saying no.

wurwolf: I don't know.... I'm holding out hope for a secret message.

wurwolf: "I hate the ground you walk on... ELMER BOGGS!" Why the pause?

wurwolf: I suppose it was for dramatic effect.

Lita: That line. His reference to the ground Elmer walks on is only meant to focus our attention to his name, Boggs, which would be difficult to walk on.

wurwolf: Ooo, good point. This tract is chock full of subtext.

Lita: The part of Pa is being played today by Stacy Keach.

wurwolf: You know who gets paid for being loved, Elmer Boggs? Trixie, the town whore.

wurwolf: Or your wife.

wurwolf: If you take the underlined words in that second frame, Elmer Boggs is saying "Don't don't come back!" Which is a roundabout way of saying he wants John Freeman to come back.

Lita: Oh, @!!**!. You're like an old friend to me.

wurwolf: I like that every tract, no matter who the illustrator is, has to use the same exact cursing.

Lita: Oh dear. Did they make the Devil a black man?

wurwolf: It sure looks like it.

Lita: And they underlined soul because the black guy wants it. Black people like soul food.

wurwolf: The clouds on the horizon have been so distracting to me in this tract. Did some kind of nuclear fallout just happen?

Lita: I don't know why Pa would sell his soul for that farm. It's a really horrible farm.

wurwolf: No wonder he's broke. He's been growing weeds and wagon wheels.

Lita: The wagon wheels would be useful, except they ate the horse last week.

wurwolf: That, and they only have two wheels.

Lita: Maybe it's time for him and his cripple to move on.

wurwolf: Move to the city and put that kid out to beg on the streets. Can you imagine the bucks he'd rake in? Little crippled blonde white kid? Pfft. Crazy money.

wurwolf: Two panels in one frame. Arty.

wurwolf hopes Mr. B. Fox is knocking on the house door and not the outhouse door.

wurwolf: Especially since he's offering to shake John Freeman's hand.

Lita: So who's this guy? What happened to that nice black fellow?

Lita: He was so jaunty and not prone to mistake abject poverty for bountiful wealth.

wurwolf: That nice black fellow saw how sad John Freeman's farm was and knew he'd get no good soul food there, so he moved on.

Lita: Poor guy. He was my favorite character in this tract.

wurwolf: He's better than Malcolm, anyway.

wurwolf: Poor John. He's just one of a long line of poor white trash who are suckers for a get-rich-quick scheme. You know if they had Publisher's Clearinghouse back then he'd be right in on that.

Lita: I actually like the art in this first frame. The bottles in the window, the wheel, the axe in the stump. If you ignore the dialogue it's nice.

wurwolf: It is. Very bucolic.

wurwolf: Why would John go halvesies with B. Fox? It's his property. At least negotiate yourself a better deal, you dummy.

Lita: Totally. I'd take a good look at that map and then send Fox on his way. He's holding it open right there for all to see.

wurwolf: Never trust a man with a pinky ring.

Lita: Not if they hold their pinky out like that to make it shine at you.

Lita: Do you hold your pinky out if you're like holding a glass or something?

wurwolf: No, I don't. Do you?

Lita: Yeah. I don't even think about it. I just do.

Lita: I'm so snooty.

wurwolf: Snooty? Or lame?

Lita: Maybe both? I started doing it when I was a little girl and thought it was classy, and now it's just automatic.

wurwolf: I'm leaning more towards lame.

wurwolf: And here we get our first good look at B. Fox's face. I have to say, I'm disappointed.

Lita: He looks so piggy with those little eyes and the tiny nose.

wurwolf: I like how the hat is tilted to a rakish angle, though.

wurwolf: I think he looks a little like Gary Burghoff:

wurwolf: The "haw" rears its ugly head yet again.

Lita: I mostly want to slap people when I hear them say "Haw"

wurwolf: Oh, me too.

Lita: It just goes right around the brain and into the spine and pulls on the slapping nerves.

wurwolf: B. Fox waited until John got out the inkwell and pen before stopping him?

Lita: Asking for my soul is weird enough, but asking me to sign anything in blood would just put me over. I'd be like, "Oh, ok, you're a loony. You can either leave now or wait here while I get my gun."

Lita: Also, Freeman already told him he'd get half the treasure. Why would he throw his soul in as well? No wonder he's in so much debt if he's this bad at identifying a terrible deal.

wurwolf: Exactly. It's a wonder he's managed to hold on to the farm this long.

Lita: If I'm giving up my soul I want ALL that stupid treasure that's on my property anyway.

wurwolf: Not only that, but (peeking ahead) John is going to be doing all the hard labor to get this treasure.

Lita: And there had better be a LOT of treasure. If we start digging and only find a couple of silver dollars than I will be pissed.

wurwolf: If John was more shrewd he would have dug the treasure up first and then signed the contract. Some guy shows up on your doorstep with a crudely-drawn map, claiming that there's treasure on your property, and you totally fall for it? I'm surprised John didn't lose his soul before he hit puberty.

Lita: I hope he at least checked to make sure there was a clause that let him off if they don't find treasure or if the treasure is lame.

wurwolf: I'm sure he didn't.

wurwolf: Wow. Good thing John didn't rent that stump grinder last year like he was thinking about doing.

wurwolf: John became shirtless between the time they reached the stump and when he was digging.

Lita: "Don't you have a promise to keep?" Geez, Fox, he said "we." You're taking his soul, let him have a minute to jump around and be happy.

wurwolf: What's that on the ground next to B. Fox? Did Chluthu wander into this tract?

wurwolf: Maybe that's the artist's response to this tract.

Lita: John never promised Fox to fix Boggs.

wurwolf: Fox must've been hanging around and overheard him. I can totally see the devil wanting to hang out in a bank.

Lita: He really is dumb if he didn't pick up on Fox knowing about that.

wurwolf: John has never looked more like Stacy Keach than he does there.

wurwolf: You know, John, that's where the real money is. Stacy Keach impersonations. Just something to think about.

Lita: "There's nothing like revenge." And that was nothing like revenge. Not interesting revenge anyway. Any objections to skipping those "revenge" panels?

wurwolf: Yes, but you're going to do it anyway, aren't you?

Lita: Yes.

wurwolf: Well, I'm still going to talk about them.

Lita: Fine.

wurwolf: Once again we have a businessman fired for doing his job.

wurwolf: Chick seems to love to reward the boobs and buffoons and castigate the hardworking businessmen.

wurwolf: Honestly, I feel a little sad about this. Poor Boggs.

Lita: Oh, hey! It's Bob!

wurwolf: Bob Goode!

Lita: Must be one of Bob's ancestors. He's even good at shouting about souls at people who were just trying to have a nice conversation.

wurwolf: Bob's head explodes in a flash of light over John's stupidity.

wurwolf: "I believe in the 10 commandments... I do as much good as possible..."

wurwolf: "Why, I even changed my last name to 'Goode'! It used to be Miller!"

Lita: Bob never ever sins. Because the Bible teaches that that's possible.

Lita: The Bible is always going on and on about how you can get into heaven through good works and that's why we don't need any savior.

wurwolf: Yup, that's what Bob has always told us. And you don't argue with Bob.

wurwolf: Okay. Obviously this tract took place many years ago. So I can only assume that Bob Goode has traveled far into the future and brought back that sweet flat-screen tv there.

Lita: Beelzebub? Really, tract? You're going there?

wurwolf: And John is so dumb. "Beelzebub!", he cheerfully shouts out.

Lita: "Lew Siffer" was one thing, but "Beelzebub Fox" is just too much to handle.

wurwolf: Frankly, I think "Lew Siffer" was worse.

Lita: Next tract we'll see a guy sign his soul over to "Lorda Thefflies." And don't miss the one where some guy signs his soul, in blood, to "Satan McPrinceofdarkness"

wurwolf: Or "Mr. O'Scratch"

wurwolf: Well, John might be on his deathbed and doomed to hell, but what an awesome ride these last ten years have been for him. Look at that mansion! Although I do think the architect went a little overboard on the windows.

wurwolf: It kind of looks like John's mouth was sewn shut while he's dying in bed.

wurwolf: Is that a face on John's headboard?

Lita: It's a frowny face. Because it's sad to die and go to hell.

wurwolf: I thought maybe Beelzebub made him carve it there, to remind him of his impending fate.

Lita: Bob's a big Jesus expert and he didn't mention to John in the last 10 years that there's a way out of that contract?

Lita: He probably figured John deserved what he got. That's our Bob!

wurwolf: Oh, Bob. For fun!

Lita: "blahhdee blah, Jesus, blood, cross, blah blah." Moving on.

wurwolf: Looks like Bob's doing alright for himself, too.

Lita: "You look terrible!" That Bob. Always full of Christian love and kindness.

wurwolf: ONE HOUR LATER "Stop preaching to me, John!" Really. If my decrepit cousin showed up at my door and preached at me for a full hour, non-stop, I think I'd be a little grumpy, too.

Lita: I'm confused about Bob. He was set up as our Christian hero and now he's all, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS CHRIST STUFF!"

wurwolf: Chick tracts pulled a switcheroo on us!

wurwolf: Did they have baloney when this tract took place?

Lita: Skipping ahead, John dies and Bob thinks he's in hell, blah blah, hey look! Violence!

wurwolf: I love how Bob's legs are all splayed out under the tree branch.

Lita: A massive tentacle appears to rape Bob! Damn you, Japan!

wurwolf: It's Chluthu again!

wurwolf: His legs look like one of those Garfield butts that people hang out of their car window.

Lita: Why does this panel include an advertisement for a book about Satanism? Was that horse playing D&D?

wurwolf: Must have been. I just like that the tree crashed in Cooper Bold.

wurwolf: And Bob's leg says "Ugh".

Lita: He had a mantis in his pantis.

wurwolf: Perhaps you'll get a look at that mantis in his pantis in the next panel, because he's in hell and he's nude.

Lita: He's all sweaty because it's hot as hell in there.

wurwolf: Haw!

Lita slaps wurwolf

Lita: Sorry! Reflex!

wurwolf: It's okay. I'll just reflexively break your pinky sometime when it's sticking out.

wurwolf: Okay, so finally, Chick tracts gives little kids a pass. They won't wind up in hell.

Lita: Unless they wear dumb sweaters and hang out with bikerhobos.

Lita: Beelzebub Fox's head looks like a massive ham, and it's making me hungry.

wurwolf: A delicious, tasty ham with eyes and a hat.

Lita: No big finish for this tract. I'm disappointed.

wurwolf: "I've got everyone anyway.... except those who accepted Christ as their savior!" And the tract just kind of ends there....

Lita: As does this blog entry.

(All comic images ©1984-2008 Chick Publications, Inc. and are used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

Read more!

Angels?

HEY HOLEEE COW-ERS!! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?! This one goes out to our biggest fan, Springy!! WHOOOO! Rock on, you CRMFer! *chucks a beer bottle into the audience*




wurwolf: Good goddamn, I love it already.

wurwolf: We've had some great covers from Chick, but I swear that is the best cover we've seen yet.

Lita: They really captured the Rock spirit

wurwolf: Totally.

Lita: That guitar has a really long neck.

wurwolf: Not only that, the guy's mouth is abnormally big. I guess that's so he can get out all of his mad lyrics.

wurwolf: By the way, this tract was written in 1986, so judge their take on rock music accordingly.

Lita: Do you really think it's changed since then? I mean, it's barely been 20 years.

wurwolf: This being Chick Publications, I'm sure they won't be so current as to portray hair metal bands or even new wave. I'm guessing they'll be featuring some greasy 70s prog rock band.

wurwolf: You know what? I can't say that I blame them for being upset. $200 split four ways will barely buy dinner at a fast-food restaurant, let alone pay their bills.

Lita: No, I can see how the tract is making its point about these greedy little bastards. If they're so Christian and want to spread the Word they should Rock for free. And God loves it when His servants on Earth cheat each other out of money.

wurwolf: Well, God must be overjoyed then. Because these guys are clearly being cheated. If the agreed upon fee was $500 and they're getting $200? Pfft.

wurwolf: Frankly, I think they should trash the Sunday School rooms.

Lita: They couldn't do worse than Sunday Schoolers do.

Lita: Also, Green Angels is kind of a dumb name for a rock group. Even a Christian rock group.

wurwolf: Maybe. But how awesome would it be if that van was lime green and they had all that painted on the side? I would totally drive around in a van like that.

wurwolf: I'd feel like I was in a Scooby Doo cartoon.

Lita: I wonder if they're enviro Christians

Lita: I would not be surprised to discover that Chick Tracts is opposed to environmentalism too.

wurwolf: I'm sure some day we'll run across a tract against environmentalism.



wurwolf: How come that preacher stopped you? Maybe because you suck.

Lita: Yeah, guys, I get that a lot of Christian rock is regular rock, but you substitute Jesus for "baby." But I don't think that works so well if your song is "Superfreak".

wurwolf: Or "Milkshake".

Lita: "You're a very sexay Loooord! The kind you don't bring home to Mothaaaaa!"

wurwolf: "My Jesus brings all the boys to the yard..."

Lita: "My Jesus does the hanky panky!"



Lita: Hey, big dark shadowy guy, I don't think those little jerks can hear you if you're talking to them from the other side of the window like that.

wurwolf: How to Win Friends and Influence People, Rule #1: You won't get people to do what you want by calling them jerks.

wurwolf: "It's got to be my way." I'll bet he's Frank Sinatra!



Lita: Oh no! He's telling them to let go and flow! It's the beginning of the end when your Christian rock group resorts to public urination!

wurwolf: Get their name right, Satan. They're the GREEN Angels.

wurwolf: He washed us out? What does that mean?

Lita: Nothing wrong with being washed out. Lots of rock groups could do with a shower.

wurwolf: Yes, these guys especially. I guess their rent doesn't include showering.

Lita: Look at that guy. I bet he's Tommy's older brother. I mean, he's even a loser.

wurwolf: He does look a lot like Tommy.

Lita: I wonder if his name is Bobby

wurwolf: Let's start calling him Bobby.



Lita: Mr. Siffer gives spring cleaning a whole new meaning.

Lita: I bet this is how all Christian rock groups make it big. No true Christian would enjoy rock music.

wurwolf: I like the couple on the right in the restaurant. The man is about to order something, but his wife is so angry! I'll bet he's diabetic and he's trying to order some pie.

Lita: I bet every time the waitress walks away he swats her on the fanny.



wurwolf: This tract wants us to think that wanting $500 when you can't even pay your rent is a bad thing.

wurwolf: Oh no! Don't jump! You have so much to live for!

Lita: Five hundred dollars, man! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!

wurwolf: That could pay a whole month's rent in 1986!

Lita: I want five hundred dollars!

wurwolf: So with inflation, in today's rate that would be.... what? $1,000?

Lita: I want one thousand dollars!!!

wurwolf: Hell, I'd be happy with a candy bar.

wurwolf: Wow. Guys, you're in a Chick tract. Don't you know talking like your beliefs are no big deal means you're going straight to hell?

Lita: If you're not willing to die for your beliefs you're just not committed enough. And that's why you got into rock and roll.

Lita: Ok. So we haven't seen Siffer's face yet, but the guys have. And we know Chick Tracts like their devils to have horns and crap. So what are you thinking:

Lita: Did the tract go against its basic nature and make Satan all good looking like he probably actually would be?

Lita: Or did the tract do what it really wants to do and make Siffer all evil and ugly and covered in scales and horns and stuff and the guys are just really dumb?

wurwolf: Or high.

Lita: If one of them is related to Tommy I'm gonna go with dumb.

wurwolf: If this is a Chick tract, I'm gonna go with high.

wurwolf: Ooo! Maybe Mr. Siffer is actually Bob!



Lita: Check Siffer's profile. I think you're right. He's Bob.

wurwolf: I thought so!

Lita: "Hey, Christians! I can give you booze and groupies and drugs!" "We see no downside to this!"

wurwolf: For crying out loud, I still can't see why these guys are such villains. Isn't this what anyone in the music business would want? To be famous and to get ahead?

Lita: If they're so easily turned from their beliefs, why did they start a Christian rock group? Why not just start a regular rock group?

wurwolf: I know, right? "We're not such great Christians. We don't really care about our religion. Hey! Let's start a Christian rock band!"

Lita: "Nobody will buy our albums except hardcore Christians and if we ever sin and they find out even they'll stop buying our stuff! It'll be AWESOME!"

Lita: I have a couple of Christian Rock albums. I got them back in high school when my youth group was trying to convince me that we should only listen to Christian music. I tried out some, and it was ok. I could get into it, depending on the group. But I couldn't imagine giving up all my non-Christian music forever.

wurwolf: Yeah, I tried to get into it, too. I even went so far as to throw away all of my Pink Floyd albums, an action I regret to this day.

Lita: Finally I decided, "Ok. Maybe God does speak to some people to tell them that their music is getting in the way of their walk. But I've never gotten any impression that He's saying it to me." I never regretted not throwing out my music.



wurwolf: Eh. Sign in your own blood, pee in this cup. I see no difference.

Lita: No reason why the blood signing thing or the selling of souls should throw up red flags. The RIAA requires it of all its musicians, and most of its customers.

wurwolf: Told you they would be a 70s prog rock group. That blonde guy has Yes written all over him.

wurwolf: WHOA! There is a Bobby! How precog of you, Lita!

Lita: He's not the one who looks like Tommy's brother, though. I was off by one.

wurwolf: Well.... yeah. That and just about everyone in these tracts are named Bob, Tom or Tim, or some derivative thereof.



wurwolf: "Souls haw haw!" I love it.

Lita: Tommy the Elder has some Benicio Del Toro in him.





Lita: Lew Siffer. That's totally subtle, Chick Tracts.

Lita: Siffer doesn't have horns. Yet.

wurwolf: Well... Lew Siffer is quite clever, but I hope people call him Lewis Siffer just to mess with him.

wurwolf: "You can call me Lew if you like." No. I just want to call you Lewis.

Lita: He couldn't even be a Luis. He had to go with the weird spelling.

wurwolf: Oh, he's such an angel of light, with his white suit and glowing aura. *rolls eyes*



Lita: You know who Lew's reminding me of?



wurwolf: Satan: Master of the World, Agent to the Stars, and Sandwich Promoter.

wurwolf: Actually, I think Satan is John McCrea of CAKE. He shaved his goatee, but we all know that CAKE is the devil.

wurwolf: Are you kidding me? Is Chick Publications making the bold statement that music comes from Satan?

Lita: I'm not at all surprised.



wurwolf: Huh. I wonder what the difference between hard rock and heavy rock is.

Lita: I can't help but wonder why Mr. Siffer waited until the 1960s to unveil his master evil plan to destroy all souls. I mean, many Christians agree we're either in or approaching the End Times. Cutting it a little close, aren't you Lew?

Lita: If it were such an awesome plan he should have started in a lot sooner. We could be waltzing to Beethoven's "Janie's Got A Gun" right now.

wurwolf: Was Satan listening to the same music I was listening to in the 70s? I hardly think "Chick A Boom" and "Baby I'm A Want You" classify as heavy rock.

Lita: Sorry, wurwolf. Soft Rock doesn't exist anymore. It ended in the 60's. That's why you see all the kids headbanging to Michael Bolton and Butterfly Kisses.

wurwolf: I like that the crooners introduced the world to Satan. Damn you, Bing Crosby!

Lita: I was at the dentist last week and "Bridge Over Troubled Water" came on the radio and I was afraid for the safety of my teeth with all the moshing that suddenly broke out in there.

wurwolf: Satan has even inflitrated your dentist office. Shameful.

wurwolf: Lew's explanation of music sounds an awful lot like the song "Sympathy for the Devil"



Lita: All the Green Angels have the WTF expressions you would expect from watching Satan's little presentation, except Tommy The Elder. He's just like, "This is hardcore. Let's roll."

wurwolf: Absolutely. He's had a taste of what $500 can bring, and he's not going back.



wurwolf: Motley Crue was around in the 70s? I'm calling bullshit on that.

Lita: Wait... Satan's trying to destroy education? But I thought education was his baby. On account of all teachers hating god and pushing Evolution and dinosaurs and gays and stuff.

wurwolf: Perhaps a different writer wrote this tract.

Lita: All music made after the 50's sounds the same? D... Dad? Is that you???

wurwolf: I'm having a hard time following Lew's reasoning there.

wurwolf: Sweet! They're part of the wolf pack! AWESOME!

Lita: If you think pastors who let rock music in are wimpy just try rocking out the worship service in any church service my dad attends.

wurwolf: "Let's move on" I love the way Lew talks. He's quite the motivational speaker.

Lita: He must have sensed that we were running out of things to say about that panel. He's very considerate.



wurwolf: So let's track the progression of Satan's music. It starts in his Satanist church, then straight to the Catholic church, then onto voodoo (which, I'm not sure how the Catholics and voodoo are mixed up), and then from voodoo to the entire world.

wurwolf: Yeah. Sure. I can buy that.

Lita: You never listened to Wall of Voodoo? It's great. o/` I'm on a Mexican radio! I'm on a Mexican, wooah-oh, radio! o/`

wurwolf: No, I've never even heard of them.

Lita: They only had one hit, but it was a good one.

wurwolf: "But they'll die for their rock and rolls gods." I gotta admit, Chick tracts isn't doing a good job of making me not want to be in Satan's band.

Lita: "Starting from my church*" "*The Satanist church" Thanks, Tract. I wasn't sure by this point who we were dealing with here.

wurwolf: Yeah really. Because the name Lew Siffer was too hard to figure out.

wurwolf: By the way, I don't know how many times I've read the name "Siffer" and thought it said "Stiffler". It's like, "This guy Stiffler is really load--" Oh. Siffer.

wurwolf: "Let's give them a big New York welcome." Yep. Because if you're going to sin, you should sin big. In New York.

Lita: When Satan labels you, you stay labled. Once a stupid little jerk, always a stupid little jerk.



wurwolf: Wow. That's a great panel. "We're gonna rock with the ROCK!" Prudential?

Lita: You know what I've always found striking about the Christian rock groups I've listened to? All the Satanic imagery. They always have demons flying around and stuff. Because Christians aren't sensitive about that kind of thing.

wurwolf: Yeah, they're big on that stuff.

wurwolf: "I love um!" Really? Um?

Lita: Is their animatronic demon saying "They're the greatest"?

wurwolf: Ha! It is! What brilliant promotion!

Lita: Oh, wait. I get it. They're not animatronic demons. They're real demons because demons love any song with a beat.

wurwolf: That Lew, he's the best manager ever!



Lita: They can't marry each other because it'll wreck their image? They can't marry each other because it's the mid-80's and it's illegal.

Lita: But check out Satan, taking a stand against homosexual marriage!

Lita: I have to admit, I'm genuinely surprised that a Chick tract would take this stance.

Lita: I now realize that as loving compassionate Christians we should stand up against the hate that Satan keeps spewing and legalize gay marriage. Thank you, Chick Tracts. Thank you.

wurwolf: You're reading it wrong. Chick wants you to know that NO ONE likes homosexual marriage. Not even Satan.

wurwolf: Satan can hand out AIDS for wedding presents? I thought AIDS was God's judgment against homosexuality.

wurwolf: Way to steal God's bit, Satan!





wurwolf: "He's skin and bones. He looks like death." "So he's got AIDS. Big deal!" Wow. Just.... wow.

Lita: That's something I've noticed about rock fans. They hate having friends.

wurwolf: It's part of the pact they sign with Satan.

Lita: Also tons of Christian rock fans wear leather jackets with a No Cross symbol on the back.

wurwolf: I see that jacket in all of the fancy clothing stores here in Manhattan.



Lita: Holy crap! Tommy the Elder's name really is Tom! I'm so psychic today!

Lita: Or else I've read way more Chick Tracts than is healthy for me.

wurwolf: I'm going with choice #2. Also, if you're psychic, that means you're going straight to hell.

wurwolf: I love that she's slipping a Chick tract into Tom's pocket.

Lita: Look how tall Tommy the Elder is. Rock Music has made him larger than life. He's a living legend.

wurwolf: You're absolutely right. Tall people are of the devil.



wurwolf: "Embrace me, Love of Death"?? What kind of crappy lyrics are these?

wurwolf: I like that one guy in the audience is wearing a Cream jacket.

Lita: Do you suppose Chick Tracts were aware of the band Cream, or is it just a coincidence?

wurwolf: Right away I want to say that it's a coincidence, because I seriously doubt that Chick tracts has ever heard of Eric Clapton, let alone Cream. But then I realize that this was written in the 1980s and it's not like Chick would be up on any current bands. If they had to pick one band to put on someone's jacket, I'm not surprised that it's a band from 20 years before.



wurwolf: Don is into vampirism? Really? That's the best they could come up with?

Lita: Yeah, that's a fairly common Rock and Roll lifestyle problem.

wurwolf: What tract is Tommy the Elder reading?

Lita: Looks like The Contract. We haven't done it, have we?

wurwolf: No, but we should. It looks fucking awesome.

wurwolf: And apparently it's so powerful that even after reading the first panel Tommy the Elder gets saved.

Lita: All I've seen is the first panel and I agree with Tommy the Elder. The first panel rules.



Lita: I knew it! As soon as Tommy the Elder gets wise we see that the devil is actually ugly with horns and a red face and stuff!

wurwolf: Yep!

wurwolf: "Not any more, Lew Stiffler!"

Lita: "I'm gonna go have sex with your mom!"



wurwolf: He's preaching to a bunch of old people. Like they're going to do anything other than agree with him by shaking their heads and saying, "Tsk tsk."

wurwolf: Oh great. Another call for a book burning.

Lita: And a call for self-crucifixion.

Lita: That's so punk rawk!


----------


Lita: Next time on Holeee Cow... The Contract!

wurwolf: You bet!

Read more!