Thursday, June 25, 2009

Evil Eyes

Arrrrrrrrrrrriba!!! Hola muchachos! Today we take a run for the border and learn what those loco Catholics are up to this time in...

Lita: I know we're supposed to think that rooster is scared because somebody is glaring at him, but I have chickens and I happen to know that they look like that all the time.

wurwolf: I can hardly blame them. There's never not a good reason to want to kill a chicken.

Lita: Except it's kind of gross.

Lita: And it makes you feel bad after you cut their heads off and they keep running around.

wurwolf: Spoken like a woman who's seen a few chickens slaughtered in her day.

Lita: Never witnessed it personally, but I've heard enough about it.

wurwolf: "Why have you come to me?" I would have liked to see the guy answer, "For a gallon of milk" or "For some miracle floor cleaner" or even "For a hand job."

Lita: "It will cost you"? What kind of a sales pitch is that? I'm no practitioner of Santeria, but even I know that it would be better to go with, "Good magic does not come at a low price," or something like that.

Lita: "It will cost you" is just as likely to make somebody turn around and walk out the door.

wurwolf: Not in a Chick tract.

wurwolf: And boy, that guy is stupid. "I've come into a lot of money. I can afford it." He might as well give her his social security number and his ATM card.

wurwolf: I like the friendly mannequin by the door. "Thanks! Come again! Have a nice day!"

Lita: I was just about to mention that. It's probably supposed to be a statue of some kind, but I'd like to think that there's just some half-naked black lady dancing around in the back.

wurwolf: I think I like that notion better, too. Shops would probably do a much better business if they employed half naked women to dance by the door as customers left.

Lita: You are assuming that the black woman would be paid. I suspect that that is just what the people at Chick Tracts think black people do when they come into contact with Santeria.

wurwolf: Good point.

wurwolf: The Santeria priestess looks like Bob Hoskins in a wig.

Lita: I would like to suggest that making the guy a vegetable is not the best form of revenge if you want him to suffer for a long time. A vegetable is not aware of his plight or his suffering.

wurwolf: Exactly. Give him heartbreak of psoriasis or irritable bowel syndrome. Something creative.

Lita: Make him like Stephen Hawking. His body is shutting down but he's still fully aware of what's going on. He'll be in a wheelchair and completely unable to communicate except through computers that read his eye or tongue movements or whatever but he can't afford those computers so he's stuck.

Lita: The picture Santa gave the Santeria lady is just of some bats flying in front of the moon. I'm not sure that'll help her identify Carlos.

wurwolf: I think that's the side of Carlos' bald head, but kudos for creativity there.

Lita: Oh, I see it now. Ok.

Lita: Poor Mama. I can tell from her decor that she's Catholic.

wurwolf: Yep. Crucifix. Picture of Mary. Flowers.

wurwolf: Looks like my in-laws' living room.

wurwolf: Is Carlos not Roberto's uncle? I assume Aunt Maria just married some dude?

Lita: How'd he get to Mexico? Are we even in Mexico? Where are we?

wurwolf: We've been kidnapped!

Lita: Oh wait. The sign says we're 300 miles away. Thanks, sign.

Lita: Hey! There's Fang!

wurwolf: Fang's looking at that bus the same way I am. Is that what buses look like in Mexico?

wurwolf: I know that's what they look like in the Philippines:

wurwolf: I guess Mexico does the same thing with their buses.

Lita: I don't see chickens on the bus. Mexican buses are filled with chicken in movies.

Lita: We should do that with our buses.

wurwolf: I agree, I love jeepneys

Lita: I get that Mama is sad about Roberto getting religion. Because, as we all know, Catholics aren't in any way religious.

wurwolf: Mothers everywhere mourn when their children become religious.

Lita: I need to learn to read. I though that woman said "Spray paint Lazarus for me." I was thinking, "Wouldn't that kind of tick him off?"

wurwolf: I'll bet Jack Chick has spray painted a few saints in his day.

wurwolf: You just know he's tipped over at least one Mary on a half-shell before.

Lita: I'm not into the Catholic religion, but I dig their art. I'd be so sad to hear somebody's awesome saint picture got defaced.

wurwolf: I will agree that I like the craftsmanship involved in Catholic artwork, but I'm not so thrilled to be checking out Mary or a dead Jesus every two seconds.

Lita: This is the only picture of Lazarus I've found in the old style I like, but it's also the only one I've seen where he's not all old and decrepit and leaning on a couple of crutches. I guess the Catholics think Jesus didn't do a very good job resurrecting him.

wurwolf: Eh. Too Catholic for me.

wurwolf: Well, time to blow on a chicken.

Lita: That chicken has the exact expression I'd expect anybody to have when a large woman lifts him up by the legs and sprays booze up his bottom.

Lita: Don't tell me about Carlos. That chicken has no defense for what's coming.

wurwolf: Is it wrong of me to think that the dance party going on looks kind of fun?

wurwolf: Give me a few drinks and blow some booze up my butt and I'll be there dancing with the spirits, too.

Lita: I think the dead cat would kind of kill the fun for me.

wurwolf: Gosh, I didn't even see the kitty there.

wurwolf: I'm being positive and telling myself that the cat at the party is just sleeping.

Lita: He's having a siesta.

Lita: They do look like they're having a good time, though. So far Jack Chick isn't making much of a case against Santeria.

Lita: Unless you like animals, I guess.

Lita: That poor rooster looks so resigned to his fate. He's like, "After what I've been though, death is a release."

wurwolf: That picture of Carlos isn't flattering. Plus, he has no body. Just a head.

Lita: We see the picture of Carlos in the cauldron, but who's the black guy on that other picture? Is Santeria Lady cursing extra people on Santa's dime?

wurwolf: They draw the bad guys in pictures that way every time. It's how you know they are bad guys, whether it's a mug shot or photo on someone's mantle.

wurwolf: The frog in the cauldron is like, Wait a minute, I thought I was just hopping into a pond here. What's all this shit?

Lita: Santeria Lady isn't very good at her job. She wasn't supposed to kill Carlos. She was supposed to make him suffer.

wurwolf: He's not dead. It's just like he's dead.

Lita: Oh, I see. Literacy is nice.

wurwolf: Not that you would know.

wurwolf: Goodness. Father Dominic's face looks like a slab of beef.

Lita: Why is Maria holding a shrunken head?

wurwolf: I thought it was an eggplant with a face carved in it.

Lita: Where Carlos is going they don't need eyes to see.

wurwolf: I just assumed he was on a tanning bed.

wurwolf: Why do all the women in this tract look like scullery maids from the 1800s?

Lita: That's not how women look? I read too many Chick tracts.

Lita is asking wiki about Santeria before she bitches that the tract makes it look like it's a Catholic thing

wurwolf: Santeria does have a lot of Catholic elements. The tract isn't far off to equate the two.

wurwolf: From what I understand by watching Angel Heart starring superstars Lisa Bonet Cosby and Mcikethy Rourke, Santeria is a combination of African voodoo and Catholicism.

Lita: "It is a system of beliefs that merge the Yoruba religion (brought to the New World by slaves imported to the Caribbean to work the sugar plantations) with Roman Catholic and Native American traditions."

wurwolf: Oh. And Injun shit.

Lita: Ok. I'll let you off the hook THIS time, Chick tracts.

wurwolf: The next panel makes me LOL all over the place: "Aunt Maria, get this priest out of here!"

Lita: Ray Romano to the rescue!

wurwolf: Is the priest making an obscene gesture at Aunt Maria?

Lita: He's throwing crucifixes? That's a bit far. Nothing wrong with a crucifix.

wurwolf: I like the crucifixes flying out of the house. Chick loves to shit all over the Catholic paraphernalia.

wurwolf: Yet the same man most likely was outraged by Robert Mapplethorpe's Piss Christ.

Lita: There are plenty of Protestants who keep or wear crosses. I personally find it offensive to throw somebody's cross out into the street.

wurwolf: It's not a cross if Jesus is still on it. Then it's a crucifix and something to be ridiculed and scorned.

Lita: Jesus on the Cross might not be dead yet. But even if He is, Jesus dying on the cross was a pretty important moment for Protestants as well as Catholics.

wurwolf: I agree with you, Lita, but the traditional fundie stance is that Jesus is no longer on the cross. The morbid fascination with Jesus on the cross is a Catholic thing.

Lita: Regardless, it's really crass to just throw the crucifixes into the street.

wurwolf: Again, I agree with you, Lita. I just think it's interesting that Chick Publications feel they have every right to disrespect a depiction of Jesus' death simply because they've classified it as "Catholic".

wurwolf: Also, I think the Protestant problem with crucifixes is that it is a graven image of Jesus. A lot of denominations are against that.

wurwolf: Catholics don't seem to have a huge problem with the graven image thing.

Lita: Not even most Protestants do. Except Baptists. And we've seen plenty of pics of Jesus in these tracts. Even Jesus on the cross.

wurwolf: The Baptist church I went to had a stained glass window of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane behind the baptismal pool, but they kept it covered because they felt it was a graven image.

wurwolf: Apparently a former leader of the church went temporarily insane and had it installed.

Lita: That's sad. I love a good stained glass window. None of my churches ever had one and I feel like I'm missing out.

wurwolf: Yeah, but now that I think of it, you're right about it not necessarily being a Protestant thing. I think it's really a fundie thing.

wurwolf: Wasn't there some comic or something we were supposed to be reading?

Lita: Oh, right.

wurwolf: I can't decide if the guy behind Father Dominic is David Crosby with less hair or a balding mustachioed Liev Schrieber.

Lita: I'm going with Yakov Smirnoff.

wurwolf: Also: Father Dominic? Wasn't that the name of the priest who was going to jump off a bridge?

Lita: The priest was Damien, I think.

wurwolf: Oh, you're right. It was Damien.

Lita: Ah. Father Dominic is rustlin' up a posse. Nothing like good old fashioned mob justice.

Lita: I like the dude with the enormous mustache in the middle. He looks like a pretty friendly guy to be planning to beat somebody to death.

wurwolf: That's the guy I thought looked like David Crosby

wurwolf: He looks like he's having his picture taken.

Lita: I thought you meant that bearded guy in the last panel holding the crucifix.

wurwolf: No. That guy I can see being Yakov Smirnoff. This guy gave me a David Crosby or Liev Schrieber vibe.

wurwolf: Pedro is offering his protection to Carlos.

Lita: The neanderthal dude has grown himself a beard between the first and second panel of this row.

wurwolf: He is one hirsute gentleman.

Lita: The one on the left wants to beat Carlos with his back scrubber.

wurwolf: Mmmm, how luxurious. I'd like someone to work me over with a back scrubber.

wurwolf: I like how this story changes from an indictment of Santeria and Catholicism to a retelling of the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal.

Lita: Carlos is so surprised that they're all pissed off at him. Dude, you threw their crosses out into the street! And now you're like, "Jesus! Save me!" and Jesus is like, "Dude, you just threw me into the street."

Lita: Or maybe He just fumigates the house.

wurwolf: Not Carlos. Roberto.

wurwolf: Sheesh, Lita, do all these people look alike to you?

Lita: Chick Tract people? Yes indeed.

wurwolf: Tim Burton's Santeria Babies are flying from the house.

wurwolf: It's Basement Cat without ears.

Vampire Negro Sperm shoots out of Carlos's nose.

Lita: I swear, the only time Chick puts black people in his tracts they're hep cats, drug dealers, ministers, or demon sperm.

wurwolf: It's true, they're terrible with that.

Lita: Nice drawing of Carlos. At first I thought the pillow behind him was his shoulders.

wurwolf: I can see why you'd think that. It also looks like he's floating in space.

wurwolf: "Something horrible came inside me!" *snicker*

Lita: Such a thing to print in a religious publication.

Lita would like to skip the incoming conversion sequence

wurwolf: Please do.

Lita: Hey! Santa wants to beat Roberto, too! But he ordered Carlos zombified in the first place!

wurwolf: Santa's just looking to beat someone's ass. He doesn't care who.

Lita: Maybe he's annoyed that Roberto wants to undo his spell. Or maybe he's just covering his ass.

wurwolf: Or maybe he's just out for kicks.

wurwolf: Jeez. Could they make the mob look any more stereotypical? I expect to see the Frito Bandito or Speedy Gonzalez there.

wurwolf: Suddenly Carlos is looking pretty smug. I think he's up to no good.

Lita: I'd trust him.

wurwolf: Wooo! Carlos pulled the ol' switcheroo!

Lita: Noooo! He looked like such a decent guy!

Lita: I think we're starting to see why Santa put a hit on him.

wurwolf: For reals.

wurwolf: I like that the demons are flying back. You can almost hear them shouting for joy.

Lita: That is a nice touch.

Lita: Completely ruined by the angry mob just letting the guy go. It's like, "WE KEELL YOU!!! WE KEEL YOU YOU GRINGO BASTARD!!! Or you can just get on the bus, that's ok."

wurwolf: And then immediately regretting their decision to let him get on the bus.

wurwolf: Mr. Dominic. That's just the best.

Lita: I enjoy the little asterisk to draw our attention to Roberto not calling him "Father."

wurwolf: Hey! It's a Mexican bus after all! There's a chicken!

Lita: Hee!! That chicken in the front seat is so freaked out! He just knows he's going to end up in somebody's witches brew.

wurwolf: He wears the expression of every chicken you've ever seen.

Lita: This is true. They all just know they're going to end up in somebody's witches brew.

Lita: Very paranoid, your average chicken.

wurwolf: Amazing how Father Dominic had no problem with what he was doing over the years, but one look at Carlos un-zombified state and he's ready to throw it all aside without any sort of reflection or soul-searching.

wurwolf: He is immediately on board with the fundie line of thinking that his church has hurt people and destroyed millions of souls.

Lita: No need to soul search when you believe in an obvious SCAM. Protestantism and Catholicism are so obviously different in every way that Dominic clearly would have no problem once somebody pointed out Protestantism exists.

Lita: His problem was he never heard of Jesus.

wurwolf: Or at least not Roberto's Jesus.

wurwolf: Roberto so cheerfully informs Mr. Dominic that Jesus called the Catholic church a big stinkin' whore.

Lita: Jesus so regrets that poorly planned night with the Catholic Church in Italy. It was only about $5 but He's been itchy ever since.

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

Do you think it was a smiting?

As many people would have noticed immediately if anybody read this blog, we've been having technical difficulties lately. For whatever reason, Blogger borked Javascript and then our little "Read More" links that collapse and uncollapse the individual blog entries refused to open anymore rendering most of the blog unreadable.

I have some finals coming up this week that I do not want to study for, so this became the ideal time to hunt for a solution that doesn't require Javascript. I found one, and now the problem seems to be fixed. Click on the roasting Sodomites above for the link.

Like last time, not every post was willing to go along with the new changes (Last Judge, appropriately, was the most willful) so if you go through the archives you'll see a lot of posts aren't collapsed. I'm sure I don't know why they don't work, but at least you can read them at all. That's the main thing, right?

You may notice that this version of the collapsible post opens the full post in a new page instead of opening it right there on the page you're viewing like the old one did. This isn't ideal, but it's what we'll have to live with at least for now. As always, if you find any posts that are just plain broken, let us know, won't you?

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Li'l Susy

I have to admit, this may be the first tract that nearly broke me. Divorce is a subject that hits close to home and I had a hard time with the tract at first. Lucky for me, the anti-single parent sentiment expressed early on in this tract gave way to a skeevy pedo vibe. With Lita's help I was able to rise to the occasion of making fun of a tract with a character slightly cuter but no less creepy than Bob Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, we introduce to you....

Lita: I wish that cover picture were larger. I can't see what she's doing with all those birds and bees.

wurwolf: I was thinking the same thing. It does look, however, like she's a fun-loving and happy-go-lucky scamp, the kind of easygoing live and let live girl who loves all people no matter what their color or creed.

Lita: Not at all the kind of horrible little creep that readers will eventually discover her to be.

wurwolf: Not at all.

wurwolf: I'm trying to distract myself from the offensiveness to come by looking at the picture. Is the fire hydrant off the sidewalk?

Lita: Perhaps, but if you look closely it appears she may be sitting on stairs.

Lita: Stairs that lead to a brick wall, like all well-thought out staircases do.

wurwolf: I think that's a stretch. Like you said, she's got a wall behind her.

Lita: I think the hydrant is on the sidewalk and she's sitting on the first step of a two-step staircase that leads to a wall.

wurwolf: I think you're making excuses for shitty artwork.

Lita: It's a metaphor for her life as a child without a mother.

wurwolf: Oh wow, that's good. Well, if that's the case, well played, Chick tracts.

Lita: My poor English major is going to waste.

wurwolf: Clearly Lil Susy doesn't have a mom. What mother would dress her kid in a t-shirt and short pants when it's so chilly out that the other girl needs a turtleneck and heavy stockings?

wurwolf: I'm assuming that between the first and second frame the two girls got up and walked from the city to the country.

Lita: Maybe there's a park on Chipmunk Face's side of the street.

wurwolf: If that's the case then the tree is awfully close to the brick wall.

wurwolf: Maybe the brick wall is a fence of some sort.

wurwolf: With a fire hydrant on the inside of the wall....

wurwolf: My head hurts.

Lita: Maybe it's the same poor city planning that led to the brick wall behind the stairs.

wurwolf: Possibly

Lita: Maybe the wall is to keep the gays out of the park. You know you can't trust the gays around little children.

wurwolf: That's right, Lil Susy. There's no way parents who are divorced love their children. Clearly your friend needs to get that through her thick skull, feelings be damned.

Lita: "No, Cathy, my mom wasn't like yours. Mine loved me."

wurwolf: Lil Susy's mom loved her so much she died.

Lita: Lil Susy is pretty cheerful about the fact that she killed her own mom.

wurwolf: She's probably cheerful because her mom loved her to death. Unlike Cathy, who is a waste of a human life because her parents are divorced.

Lita: If only Cathy had loved her mother enough to kill her like Susy did. Then she wouldn't have this problem.

wurwolf: It's her own fault, really.

wurwolf: Lil Susy's got so much love, she offed her father, too.

Lita: "My heart... pills.... Susy.... For the love of God... give me my... heart pills...." "No, Father. It is for the love of God that I cannot. You're going to go see Jesus now."

wurwolf: Alright, so now Susy's sitting on a wall, but there are no bricks.

wurwolf: It's like the artist started with a brick wall and then decided that drawing all those bricks was too much trouble.

Lita: Asslan must have warped them to Tardia. You can see the mysterious hydrant in the wilderness right there.

wurwolf: Any minute now Mr. Dumnus will show up.

Lita: Poor kid. Look at her screwing up her little chipmunk face. I wonder where Daddy is? Probably screwing some slut, no doubt.

Lita: Probably some dippy schoolteacher.

wurwolf: Most likely. Or the babysitter.

wurwolf: Cathy is so angry about her father remarrying that she's turning into a werewolf.

Lita: Man. It must be rough to only have your mom around, especially since, as Susy pointed out, said mother doesn't love you.

Lita: "If only your mom had loved you more, she'd have been able to keep your dad around."

wurwolf: Too bad Cathy is so unlovable.

Lita: Wuh-oh. I think Susy's eyeball has burst and is dripping out of her skull.

wurwolf: She looks like she's looking at a tick on the back of Cathy's head.

Lita: I do sympathize with kids who have a parent that leaves and then never wants to contact them again. Marriages break up for various reasons and it's sad, but however you may feel about your former spouse, refusing to have anything to do with your child is pretty indefensible. Unless... Maybe if the child is a psycho. Like that Bad Seed kid. I wonder if Cathy's a Bad Seed.

Lita: We know Li'l Susy is. Maybe that's why she's befriending Cathy. There can be only one!

wurwolf: It's a duel to the death! And Susy's had experience!

Lita: They'll end up fighting in some big abandoned warehouse or something.

wurwolf: It will be an epic battle, the tale of which will be handed down through the ages.

Lita: And Susy will swing her sword and Cathy will think she missed and smile... But then a gap will appear in her neck and her head will fall off.

Lita: And then all these sparks will shoot out of her neckhole and Susy will absorb all her powers, as well as the wisdom of the ages.

Lita: And we will all be lost.

wurwolf: You watch too much tv.

Lita: That was a movie. A very awesome movie.

wurwolf: This overhead shot of a bird feeding and caring for their young brought to you by Focus on the Family.

Lita: Check Cathy's teeth. It's like she knows a fight is coming. She's got her mouth guard in.

wurwolf: Smart girl.

wurwolf: Her face changes more than anyone else I've ever seen in these tracts, though.

Lita: Gah!!! She's turning into Chuckie!!! I think we're on to something with this Bad Seed theory!

wurwolf: I can't believe Cathy doesn't say, "Are you fucking insane?" when Susy proposes her daddy can be Cathy's daddy, too.

wurwolf: Unless they're in a polygamist cult. Then it makes total sense.

Lita: They better hurry up with the big reveal that New Daddy is Jesus, because the more they drag it out the more it's starting to sound like Li'l Susy's recruiting for a child prostitution ring.

wurwolf: Which really, isn't above Chick publications.

Lita: "Big Daddy says your income is slipping, Cathy. You're gonna have to lose those teeth."

Lita: I can't even begin to describe the face Cathy's making in this second panel. I want to compare her to some cartoon character, but I can't place it.

wurwolf: Like something out of Bedknobs & Broomsticks.

wurwolf: It occurs to me that we can't see Susy's face as she's talking about her "new father". I wonder if that's so we can't see the evil glint in her eyes.

Lita: Grandpa showed her how to get a new father? I know what she's going for, but my goodness does that sound sinister.

wurwolf: It does sound sinister, along the order of The Stepford Wives. Like Grandpa showed her how to build an animatronic father in the basement.

Lita: I was thinking more along like "Hey, Li'l Susy, this is Uncle Ray. He's moving in with us now. You can look at him like a new father."

wurwolf: Ha, like Uncle Ray is Grandpa's new lover.

Lita: Exactly

wurwolf: Finally! Cathy is now questioning Susy's sanity and motives.

Lita: Cathy doesn't want Susy's great grandpa to be her daddy.

wurwolf: Look at the expression of innocence on Susy's face. "But there's only one way you can meet him...."


Lita: "...Put this gun in your mouth."

Lita: Heh! Li'l Susy's old Daddy also lives up in heaven. She's awash with dead dads!

wurwolf: It's a Daddy party up there.

wurwolf: Cathy, like everyone in Chick tracts, is stunned to hear that God did something for her. I guess I can excuse that, she's pretty young.

Lita: And she doesn't have any parents around who care enough to give her the "love gift" spiel.

Lita: Poor thing's really going to be in the woods when she discovers boys.

Lita: That'll be in about five minutes once Li'l Susy gets her roped into Big Daddy's family business.

wurwolf: Gross. How does Lil Susy know what a virgin is?

Lita: I'm telling you. Something isn't on the up and up with her and her grandpa and this Daddy thing.

wurwolf: I agree. I am getting the strangest sex vibe from this whole Lil Susy/new Daddy thing.

wurwolf: Seriously, this tract is hurting my heart. "God was inside the little boy." I mean, I know. I know about Jesus being both fully God and man, but.... blurgh...

Lita: Yeah. That along with a lot of the dialogue in this tract can be classified as technically correct... but why did they use this phrasing that makes it sound so sexual? Especially in a tract about little girls!

wurwolf: Perhaps because it's a tract about little girls. Yick.

Lita: What is sin, Cathy? You don't know what sin is? Oh, you will know.

Lita: I'm skipping around because we've read this song and dance before, but look at this here where Susy explains what sin is. It's the naughty things that people do? Naughty?

Lita: Yeah, "naughty" is a way to say "bad" to little kids, but come on. It's taken such a sexualized connotation in recent decades.

wurwolf: You're right. It's gross.

Lita: "Your dad ran off with some slut. He's so... naughty."

wurwolf: "She was a very naughty slut."

Lita: Take note, divorced people who remarried... Li'l Susy is sick of your shit and she is coming to get you.

wurwolf: She took out her mother, she took out her father... and you're next.

Lita: That face will be the last thing you see before you die.

wurwolf: Imagine lying in your bed at night with that looming over you in the dark, butcher knife in hand.

Lita: She doesn't need a knife. I fully believe she could just tear your throat out with her teeth.

wurwolf: If Susy's trying to sell this new daddy thing to Cathy, she's making the new daddy sound like a dick.

wurwolf: "You like to lie? Then I guess you're not good enough for the new daddy...."

Lita: "I lie a lot... Like all that business I told you about my dad leaving for some whore? I totally made all that up. Welp, I better get back to my happy home. Goodbye, you crazy orphan!"

wurwolf: Cathy shifts into McCauley Culkin mode.

Lita: Blah blah blah, overly graphic for children crucifixion story.

Lita: Cathy is Chuckying again.

wurwolf: She's really taking this story to heart.

wurwolf: Cathy, Susy's nuts. Don't you realize that by now?

Lita: "Nobody does that to my New Daddy!"

wurwolf: I gotta say, though, kudos on the teeth. Teeth are really hard to draw.

Lita: As evidenced by the whole rest of this tract.

Lita: She's gritting those teeth into fine powder. "What?" she growls, "This better be good or I'm going to go dig up those assholes and finish the job myself" remains unsaid.

wurwolf: "But then something happened three days later that made the devil want to faint!" She makes it sound like the devil got the vapors when Jesus rose from the dead.

wurwolf: "Oh I do declare. Abaddon dear, could you please get my smelling salts?"

Lita: Aaaaaaand.... more boring witnessing

wurwolf: I love the posture in this frame. Susy is sitting and Cathy is lying on the ground looking up at her.

wurwolf: Makes Susy look like a giant.

Lita: Their faces are kind of terrifying me.

wurwolf: You know what's terrifying me? Cathy on her hands and knees. Please stop, Cathy.

Lita: Just practicing for her new life once Susy gets her home.

wurwolf: Well, Chick does love to have people stick their butts in the air when they're about to undergo conversion.

Lita: Oh, hey! There's the brick wall again. They found their way out of the magical land of Tardia.

Lita: "You're in God's family now. And you better not disappoint the family, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Lita: Wow. The eyes in this panel. Don't look at your new sister's tits, Cathy. She's eight and she doesn't have any.

wurwolf: Everything in this panel. I have never seen two more skeevy kids, and we've covered a lot of creepy kids in these tracts.

Lita: There is no bigger creep than Li'l Susy. Except maybe Bob Williams.

Lita: Credit where it's due, though, I like that drawing of the Kingdom of Heaven next door. I'm thinking they woke up the Soul Story artist to do that.

wurwolf: If you look really close you can see Susy's parents giving her the finger.

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Friday, April 24, 2009

Soul Story

Hey there all you soul brothers and soul sisters, honkeys and honkettes. It's time for us to get down and chillax and read us a story about a man. A strong man. A man of action. A man who gets all the chicks. A man you don't want to mess wit, ya dig? A real cool cat. This here's our first ever blaxploitation tract and, dig this, we were more blown away than anybody to discover that we...

We... didn't hate this one.

Weird huh?
So catch us on the flipside and see what's shakin' as we check out...

wurwolf: Okay, so with this tract, as opposed to the last tract we covered, we get the truth about the date this was published. Clearly, even from the front cover alone, this tract was written in the 70s.

Lita: I love this cover. I love everything about this cover. This is the best cover ever.

wurwolf: The 70s was rife with blaxploitation films, from which I suspect this tract got inspiration.

wurwolf: And only blaxploitation films.

Lita: If I could get this cover blown up and in high res and put it on my wall, I'd do it so fast.

wurwolf: I have to agree with you, I think that this is the most badass cover we've ever seen. And I include the Dungeons & Dragons tract in that.

Lita: Can the tract itself possibly live up to the cover's badassery?

wurwolf: We shall see!

Lita: Hey, it's a return to The Contract style art!

That's right. It's nice to switch back and forth sometimes, although we sadly will not see the usual Fang/Badcat hijinx from this artist.

wurwolf: Wow. You just know it's an emergency -- look at that Code Blue font. If that doesn't say emergency, I don't know what does.

What tipped him off that the riot is phony? Are they throwing foam rubber bricks at the guards? I guess when they bounce off their heads, that would be a clue.

I'll bet the warden thinks there's a riot going on, but it's really just the prisoners practicing their "Thriller" dance moves.

One thing that this artist does well is the rage face. It makes the rage faces in other tracts just look poorly drawn and stupid.

I agree, the rage face is pretty extreme.

Alright, I'm calling bullshit. How did the prisoners get a baseball bat and a knife? The most prisoners would ever have is a spoon chiseled into a shiv.

The black guy's name is Jackson.

It was a toss-up between that or Washington or Lincoln.

The guy in prison is a black guy. The other guy in prison appears to be some variety of Asian.

I thought the other guy was Latino.

I'm guessing they'll be breaking out the @!**! a lot in this tract.

Suppose that's a stirring indictment of our justice system for unfairly targeting racial minorities, do you think? Or a society that contrives to keep minorities down while glorifying the criminal lifestyle to the point where they feel they have no other options?

No, I think it's just Jack Chick lumping in as many stereotypes as he can fit in one panel.

Oh, ok. I guess that makes more sense.

At first I thought the guy kneeling over Jackson was holding a wineglass until I realized it was a stethoscope.

I thought it was a razor. I was thinking, "Oh! That nice man is going to give Jackson a shave!"

Is it wrong of me to think that Jackson's chest looks really hot and sexy?

That depends. Is Jackson still alive?

It's not good to get yourself all worked up over a dead guy.

I think he's dead, which is why I'm keeping a lid on getting worked up. That, and he's a cartoon.

Good call.

Leroy, though, he's alive. Golly.

Enter bad, bad Leroy... well, I don't know if he's Leroy Brown or what.

That is a mountain of a man.

For reals, yo. Tru dat!

(Just getting into the spirit of the tract.)

Is this happening now or are we in flashback mode?

I am not exactly sure. We've been given no indication that there's a flashback going on. No wavy lines or word boxes.

So I guess it's safe to assume that Leroy's grandmother is in prison with him?

She's on the other side of that glass you talk through.

Oh! I thought the artist was getting arty and showing a split screen, but she's on the other side of the glass. Yes, I see that now.

Aww, Leroy loves his Grammy. I like Leroy.

It's nice of him not to yell, "STFU, BITCH!"

That's why I think he'll get saved at the end. Usually people in these things who don't get saved have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They are unrepentantly evil all the way through. Except Broosey Woosey.

Leroy, I can't blame you. "Gotta go!" is usually my reaction when someone starts preaching at me, too.

I spend too much time on the intranets. At first I thought the guard said, "Sounds like your Grandma is a fanfic!"

That would be pretty insulting. Though not very sensical.

That is such a douchey smile on the prison guard's face. Whatever else happens in this tract, we can't fault the art. It's fantastic.

I agree, and I also think the guard's suit is electric. Like seriously electrified. Because the damn thing is glowing like crazy.

*GASP!* There's a ghost in the background!

Usually when someone is calling me a white @*!!! my first instinct is to do the total opposite of "C'MERE!"

Mine is to kick them out of the classroom.

His name IS Leroy Brown!

Baddest cat in the whole @**!!!@ town!

wurwolf: HOLY SHIT

I'm noticing a disturbing amount of variation in the swear censorship punctuation in this tract.

So this confirms my theory that regarding African Americans, Jack Chick only knows what he's heard in pop culture.

I guess being a lifer means you don't have to go to boring meetings with the warden.

They figure you have enough bummers in your life already.

It's nice of them to be so accommodating.

If I were the warden I'd fire that guy in the back. It is really unprofessional to grin and make jackoff motions during a meeting of this magnitude.

Now that is an OUTFIT, Leroy!

Leroy turned into Super Fly.

I know that this tract was just written a long time ago, but I prefer to think that (a) Leroy's been locked up for a LONG time and these are the clothes he was wearing when they arrested him, or (b) this is what Jack Chick thinks black people really dress like.

I think both are valid conclusions.

Am I missing something? What does "Littlebit" mean?

Is that his friend's name? Or is he saying he'll go upstairs in a little bit?

Is that just what he calls his brother?

Or... wait? Is this guy really his brother or is he just calling him his brother because they are black people?

I honestly don't know. I'm not trying to be funny, I just don't understand what Chick is going for here.

Looks like his brother just finished up his shift at the Jesus Pizzeria.

This tract is a narrative mess. But the art is FANTASTIC.


I mean, SERIOUSLY. Look at that outfit!

The man is a magnificent pirate!

Holy shit. He turned into a bullfighter or Zorro or something.

It's almost like you can just skip the crappy dialog and just look at the pictures.

That's what I've been doing. Has anything happened in this story so far?

wurwolf: Hell if I know.

Leroy is so badass, he ripped the door right off the hinges with one hand and didn't even break a sweat.

How did they make a prison that contained him?

This is a slum. The door probably wasn't screwed on so tight to begin with.

Shh! I prefer to think that Leroy is just that awesome.

The look on his face is wonderful, though. It's a look that says, "Yes, I'm the greatest. Drink me in, Ladies."

Seriously, the dialog is shit. "Jive turkey" -- WTF? Jack Chick must have been watching Good Times when he was writing this.

Is that Gloria peeking out from behind the Jive Turkey?


OH WOW!!! Wait... what just happened?

Cthulhu showed up?

An earthquake happened?

It's taking some time to parse.

I guess one guy pulled a knife and got punched out by the other guy. Not sure why the fat guy in the crowd is the one who's groaning with pain, though.

wurwolf: I think you're right. RD pulled a knife and Leroy was all, Oh hell no and punched the shit out of him. And then little tiny Gloria, who's a midget, is hanging onto Leroy out of fear.

Or maybe a truck rolled by and ran over RD.

That's what he looks like. Jive Turkey is spitting his teeth out onto the floor.

"Jive Turkey." Please. Don't you know their names yet?

Leroy's the boss. If he says that guy's name is Jive Turkey then that is what that guy's name is.

That bible verse seems pretty out of place. It doesn't seem to match anything we're looking at.

I'm not sure whether it's applying to RD's past or Leroy's future.

Apparently being the boss comes with an opulent office.

I always hear that gang bangers live a life of luxury.

Well... maybe not really.

Looks like Rudy from Fat Albert showed up to give some plot exposition.

The ghost of Leroy Brown is on his way!

Oh gross!!! I scrolled down to this row too slowly and thought we were getting a love scene and I was thinking, "Wow! Pretty racy for a Chick Tract!" and then I scrolled down more and saw he was with his GRANDMA!!

Yes! I thought the same thing!

"I'm glad you came!"

I'll bet she is. Leroy is a gang-banger!

Even when the art in a Chick tract is really good, it still manages to be really bad in its own special way.

Take Grandma, for example. Why is Leroy's grandmother an Eskimo?

I thought she was an elderly Chinese woman.

Man, Grandma just laid a smackdown on Leroy. "I love you too, Grandma." "Child, you don't know what love is until you know Jesus!"

Jeez. Sorry, Grandma. Next time I'll just keep my feelings to myself.

"Fine, then Grandma, I don't love you and I never did. Are you happy now?"

Grandma: *dies*

Oh, phone booth. How I am taken by your nostalgic whimsy.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Free funeral food!

Nowadays you're lucky if you get a flimsy little phone alcove.

Yeah, once in a while I'll see a phone booth still around and it's always beat to hell.

I don't think I've ever seen an actual Superman's Changing Room phone booth.

You're not missing a whole lot.

Second tract in a row with a funeral scene.

How could he miss? The car's aimed right at them. Keep driving straight and you can bulldoze them all right into Grandma's grave.

I don't know, but I love the pencil work on this tract. Look how it conveys the feeling of motion. Beautiful.

I agree. I really can't say enough times how great the art is in this thing. It's really refreshing after the drek we've looked at in the past.

I guess Leroy and friends have an aversion to someone yelling "BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA!" out a car window at them. Knocked them on their asses.

I don't blame them. I was never a big fan of Mike Meyers' portrayal of Jewish women.

I like Leroy's Harry Potter scar. Yet another thing JK Rowling lifted.

I guess she was as impressed by the art as we are

Aw, Gloria's dead. Not a surprise, really.

Hooking up with your late girlfriend's sister while looking at her corpse in the morgue? I'm sorry, Chick Tracts, I know you're all, "uppity black people!" but I do not believe that Leroy is that sleezy.

Or the sister, for that matter.

And then they take it to a whole other level of skeeviness, because Gloria's sister not only reminds Leroy of Gloria but of his grandmother, too.

"Why do I feel this way? She's not at all like Gloria... She sort of reminds me of my grandma!"

Lita vomits all over her keyboard

Yeah. I know the feeling.

Oh those two crazy kids, from two different worlds wanting to cross over. It's like the battle of the TV show titles.

Well, Leroy isn't the first guy to "find religion" in order to get into a girl's pants, and he won't be the last.

Jive Turkey seems like a fine upstanding young man to me. I don't see any reason why Leroy shouldn't put his complete trust in him.

I'm too busy checking out Leroy's half-naked bod as he's lolling around in bed. Nice.

Also, nice padded headboard.

Jeez, AK-47s and grenades? Leroy is the final boss in a video game.

Hey! They all brought guns! Can't I trust any of you guys???

I'm a little confused about exactly who is shooting who.

Everybody's shooting everybody.

I mean, I assume Leroy just strolled into the church with no weapons on him and got stabbed in the back (literally) by RD, but I can't really tell.

Wait... Leroy brought a gun with him?

Leroy brought a gun, Jive Turkey brought a gun, EVERYBODY brought guns. And grenades! KAVOOM!

That's just the way you are if you're a black person in a Chick tract.

Yeah, good point.

So Chick is saying that black people are just toting around guns and grenades all the time, I guess.

They been spendin' most their lifes livin' in a gangsta's paradise.

wurwolf throws her shoe at Lita.

OW!! You know, I guess I shouldn't expect more from you. You come from such a violent race.

You're just lucky I don't sue your ass.

Okay, so we're skipping some panels where everyone's bleeding all over the place, some dudes might not make it to the car, blah blah blah

Moving on.

Was Joyce getting ready to become a Russian bride or something?

Yeah. That is really some hat.

And dress.

And those are really some arms on Leroy!

Well, he did spend a lot of time in jail, probably weight-lifting.

Okay, the dumb dialog boxes are covering way too much of the awesome artwork, so I'm skipping the gospel message.

You know, in the white person tracts the person telling about Christ doesn't feel the need to explain everything in parentheses. If I were black I'd be so insulted.

Like black people are all, "Buh?" when someone says "believeth".

That's all I have to say about the gospel, part, though, so you're right. We can safely skip it.

We've heard it a billion times before anyway.

You know, I can't help but think that if Leroy hadn't been saved he'd still be alive.

If he hadn't been dying he wouldn't have gotten saved.

I really like this last panel, though.


I don't know if I've been reading too many tracts or if it's because I'm on the rag or what, but I find this panel genuinely touching.

I think it's because you're on the rag. I find nothing touching about it.

Or maybe I'm just a cynical asshole.

She's crying because he just died, but he has this faint smile because he's finally at peace. It's kind of nice.

I can see how this tract would be more successful than any of the others we've looked at before on this blog. You know. If it weren't so racist.

Yeah. They must just use it for white people.

I think this is seriously the best tract we've ever done. And it's all in the artwork. See, Chick Tracts? See what happens when you hand the pencil to somebody with a little talent?

And it's a tract where the message can be taken seriously.

Oh, who am I kidding.

Read more!