Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Monster

I guess God loves Halloween as much as we do. Why else would our first tract to fall in October be called The Monster? It's Providence, I tell you!







wurwolf: I work in a corporate office in Manhattan, and I've never seen a framed chart on anyone's wall.

wurwolf: Monster, come on. You're in a Chick tract and you're opening with "I'm the greatest. I feel wonderful, business is fantastic and I'm getting richer every day"? You're just asking for it.

Lita: He says it goes without saying that he's a genius. But I wonder what he'd have said if the phone guy hadn't said it?

Lita: The Monster is channelling Naomi Campbell. Good throw on that coffee cup. It shot straight out of his hand like a missile.

Lita: He looks like Ed Asner.

wurwolf: His eyes are black, just like his soul.

Lita: Is that why Bob has those scary white eyes?

Lita: "dumb broad"? Have we flipped over to BC or Dick Tracy by accident or something?

wurwolf: This tract must've taken place in the 1940s.



wurwolf: I wonder what A.J. stands for. A Jerk?

Lita: Ass, Jack?

wurwolf: Anthony Jr.?

Lita: Anti Jesus?

wurwolf: That sounds like the best one yet.

Lita: I don't see why the Monster is in the wrong here. That swine did fly first class.

wurwolf: True, but now the Monster is stepping all over Dudley's fist pump.

wurwolf: That's just mean. You don't squelch somebody's fist pump.



Lita: You know what I bet God loves? When people use Him to curse each other.

wurwolf: Does the author not know any unbelievers? If someone were to say that to an unbeliever they'd just be all, Oh whatev. I really doubt that they'd sit there and say that God can't do anything to them. They wouldn't get that involved.

Lita: I bet Dudley does this all the time. Somebody cuts him off? He leans out the window flipping the bird and yelling, "God will punish you!!!" His friend forgets his birthday? "God will get you for your absent-mindedness!" The copier jams? "May God smite you down and all of your kin!"

wurwolf: I know people like that.



wurwolf: I'm disappointed by the lame Fang sighting. I insist on real-life Fang!

Lita: Maybe that is Fang and he's posessing that guy to get him to do his bidding. That's why he's so small.

wurwolf isn't buying it.

Lita: That little "Later" up in the upper corner looks so pitiful. I bet it had a lot more exposition to go through, like "Later, back at the office..." or something, and Monster just cut it right off.

wurwolf: It's like, "Later.... oh well, never mind, then."

wurwolf: Is the guy in the back next to the chick in the beret blind? If so, that's very forward-thinking of the Monster's company.

Lita: Does this company have an HR department?

Lita: It seems like somebody would have filed a complaint about their abusive boss by now. I mean, he fires people at the drop of a hat, withholds bonuses, and throws scalding coffee at people.



wurwolf: It's pretty sad if their HR department is Bob.

wurwolf: Oh wait! This is Shirley Shepherd! She's the former hooker who was beat up by her pimp!

wurwolf: This woman is drawn to abusive men!

Lita: Wow! You're right!

Lita: Now that she's worth something she doesn't like men just throwing stuff at her.

Lita: I wonder what she put on her resume.

wurwolf: Experience: Yes

Lita: 1987-3 months ago: Worked in the hospitality business providing for the various needs of her clients

Lita: Maybe A.J. hired her because he wanted that special kind of secretary.

Lita: It would explain why he's so disappointed with her now.

wurwolf: So that's why he threw a coffee cup at her....

Lita: She's so pissed at her boss that she's stopped praying for him? Does that mean it's bad that I've never prayed for any of my bosses?

wurwolf: The fate of their souls is on your head now.

Lita: Dammit!



Lita: Wow. Bob looks awful. Does he have some kind of wasting disease we don't know about?

Lita: His eyes are sunken. The skin on his neck is loose and veiny. His arm is all thin and frail. It looks like an effort to hold that phone up to his ear.



wurwolf: Maybe that's what Bob looks like when he's quoting scripture.

Lita: His eyes aren't even pointing in the same direction.



wurwolf: Look how evil he looks there. He's got the devil eyebrow and eye and the creepy stache.

wurwolf: If you were asked to draw a picture of an evil person, I'll bet that a lot of people would draw someone like that.

Lita: I believe we have found the monster. And it is Bob.

wurwolf: It's the old switcheroo!



Lita: And now we have a prayer meeting with The Judge, Janet, Helen, Bob, and Shirley.

Lita: Why is Shirley's ponytail draped around Bob's neck?

wurwolf: And what is the Judge flicking off his cheek? A booger?

Lita: My guess is that he is trying to hide that he is scoffing. I still do not believe that he really converted.

Lita: He claimed to accept Jesus merely so that he could gain Bob's confidence. One day Bob will realize his blunder, but by then The Judge will have him and it will be too late.

wurwolf: You're still holding out hope that Bob has met his match in the Judge?

Lita: Absolutely. Maybe the Judge is secretly the cause of Bob's wasted appearance.

wurwolf: Hmm..... you may be right. The Judge is more powerful than Holly!

Lita: One day Bob will have to face Judgement. But not the kind he is expecting.



wurwolf: Is that a baking soda volcano in the courtyard in front of the Monster's office?

Lita: They're cheaper than real fountains.

Lita: I guess it's good that A.J. fired Dudley after all. That idiot set up a crappy deal.

wurwolf: That's just good planning on A.J.'s part. He's a smart businessman.

Lita: He knew that an executive who would book a first class flight when the company agreed only to pay for coach is not a trustworthy man who should have a place in said company.

Lita: It is only regrettable that A.J. fired him too late.

wurwolf: I like that the kids are in gender-assigned trouble.

Lita: A.J. is in so much shit that Shirley had to write it all in a big fat notepad.

wurwolf: Good thing she wrote it all down. You don't want to forget that the police are on hold or that your boss's daughter just called up crying because she's pregnant.

wurwolf: I'm always forgetting about stuff like that.



wurwolf: "The kids are on her side." Oh, who cares what they think. He's a druggie and she's a slut.

Lita: If I were A.J., I would be unable to resist the urge to flick that rug right off the lawyer's head.

wurwolf: Wow, due in court on Tuesday. That's the quickest divorce ever. What is this, Mexico?

wurwolf: Good heavens, look at A.J. He's swallowed a whole meat loaf!

Lita: A.J.'s having a heart attack. "Shirley! Come in here! I need CPR!"

Lita: A.J. seems to believe in God, yet feels he has no use for Him. Usually that doesn't just happen. Most people either profess some kind of religious leaning, or they think God doesn't have any great interest in us humans, or they don't believe in God, or they really have no opinion. People who believe in God, who feel He has an influence in their lives, but who don't want anything to do with Him usually had something happen to make them feel that way. I wonder what the story is behind AJ's attitude.

wurwolf: That's exactly what I meant in the beginning when A.J. was scoffing about God not being able to do anything to him. I've never known anyone who said that they believed in God but felt that He didn't have any control over their life.

wurwolf first typed "Bob" in that second sentence instead of "God". Yeesh.

Lita: In Bob's mind, you typed it right the first time



wurwolf: If you remove the punctuation from the first four words of Shirley's next sentence, it says "Bob Man is God". Subliminal message?

Lita: Shirley must really hate her boss if she's calling Bob to work him over.

wurwolf: It sounds so dirty.

wurwolf: Granted, A.J.'s had a tough day, but he crumbles so easily.

Lita: He is not the ruthless CEO we were led to believe he was. Other business monsters go through 3 wives in a week.

wurwolf: Everyone caves in when Bob shows up.



wurwolf: Look at Shirley eavesdropping in the back. How rude.

Lita: Shirley is so ashamed that A.J. didn't get Bob's bit about Nebby. She knows that in this story the ruthless, heartless tyrant who ran over anything in his path totally represents Bob.

wurwolf: Nebby's staring at the camera like, Yeah, bitches. You heard right.



wurwolf: Today the part of Daniel will be played by Paul Newman.

Lita: That statue on the left is looking at Daniel like, "Dude. I wish my chin were so chiseled."

wurwolf: What's in front of the statue? A bowl of sticks?

Lita: I think it's a planter behind the statue.

Lita: I think I know why the statue looks so nervous now. It just took a whiz in the planter. You can see it zipping up its fly.

Lita: It didn't know they'd snap the picture so soon.

wurwolf: I think you're right.

Lita: I'm shocked that Bob would include something like that in his story.




wurwolf: How awesome would it be if Nebby was dreaming about someone chucking a loaf of bread at his tent?

Lita: Sadly, he just dreamed about the hit movie, The Lion King.

wurwolf: That tree scene would be a great place to put Fang. The artist really dropped the ball on that one.

Lita: It would have reinforced the timelessness of Fang, to put him in an ancient king's dream.

wurwolf: Exactly.

Lita: That angel put his record player on the tree stump.

Lita: The angels themselves know the importance of a kickass stereo system.

wurwolf: I'll bet the angels play CAKE when they think God's not paying attention.



wurwolf: I can't believe Nebby is that thick. His dream seems pretty clear to me.

wurwolf: I mean, if he's of the mindset to interpret his dreams as portents, then he should be able to put two and two together.



wurwolf: EW! Daniel's smelling his fingers!

Lita: Where'd he get all that hair all the sudden?

wurwolf: I guess his hair grows while he's thinking.

Lita: Now he looks like that guy from Ghostbusters II.





wurwolf: Those people next to the guy on the slab might want to step back. He's about to splatter like a watermelon at a Gallagher show.

Lita: Well, that's why they came. It's not a good show if you don't get wet.

wurwolf: I hope they brought tarps.

Lita: "Did I say something wrong?" If he's so dim he's just figuring that out it's probably for the best that he's being executed. Get him out of the gene pool.



wurwolf: I always feel sorry for these ancient monarchs on these stone thrones. He's the king of an empire -- why not sit on something a little more comfortable?

wurwolf: A stone throne isn't ergonomic, is what I'm saying. His HR department should be all over that.

Lita: Get a cushion or something.

Lita: At least shape the throne to be more comfortable. Not just a couple of flat slabs pushed together at a 90 degree angle.

wurwolf: The haughty look on Nebby's face tells us that despite what he says, he can't be humble.



Lita: I like Neb's going insane face. It's like he just saw the Beatles for the first time.

wurwolf: "YAAAH! I love you, Paul!!!!!!!!!"

wurwolf: I gotta hand it to Nebby, though. He managed to squash his pride for a year. I can't even do that for a week.



wurwolf: If you squint you can make out Nebby's junk.

wurwolf: I like his little pot belly hanging down.

Lita: I like the poor sad crazy eyes.

Lita: They say, "I'm crazed, and I'm kind of ashamed about that fact."

Lita: The poor man even put Bugles on his fingertips.

wurwolf: I'll bet all the other animals out in the field were like, WTF?

Lita: Ugh. The words "mating season" just flashed through my mind and now I feel dirty.

wurwolf: Gross.

wurwolf: I wonder who ran the kingdom for seven years while the king was out getting down with all the other oxen.

Lita: I think that's the Grand Vizier's official job.

Lita: Like his job description says, "Stand around with your fingers steepled and look sinister. Should the king die and leave a son too young to run the kingdom, usurp the throne. Should the king go batshit and start eating grass like an ox, you rule until he snaps out of it."

wurwolf: It sounds better than Shirley's resume.



wurwolf: God's shining his flashlight down on Nebby now that he's repented.



wurwolf: "What's that story got to do with me?" Does A.J. still not get it? Bob's losing his patience.

Lita: Now Bob gets mean, "You're just as wicked and arrogant and I hear that nobody likes you."

Lita: He's as wicked as Nebby, who had people thrown into furnaces and chopped up and turned into dung heaps.

wurwolf: Bob's losing his temper because the hypno stare doesn't seem to be working.

wurwolf: "What shall I do?" Who talks like that?

Lita: The very elderly.

Lita: And the snooty rich.

wurwolf: I think it's humorous that Bob tells A.J. that Jesus came from heaven to save his neck when A.J. doesn't have much of a neck. Weird choice of words, Bob.



Lita: A.J. isn't prostrate on the floor, but we still see his lumpy butt.

wurwolf: I wonder if now, because he's saved, he'll have to be known as P.J.





Lita: Jesus the Magical Santy Claus has fixed all A.J.'s problems.

wurwolf: The lady in the front seems disappointed in the "new" A.J.

Lita: She's been praying against A.J. for years. That's why Shirly's prayers didn't work until she got a prayer group together. Their prayers were cancelling each other out.

wurwolf: Wow, A.J. made Dudley his partner! They're such a cute couple!

Lita: I admit I'm disappointed that A.J. hired Dudley back. Jesus does not require that you be a crappy businessman.

wurwolf: Bob must've found a passage in the Bible about that and A.J. took it to heart.

Lita: Damn that Bob.

Lita: And damn Dudley's Just For Men beard dye.

wurwolf: And his aviator glasses. And his skinny 80's tie.

Lita: And his insistance on flying first class.

Lita: It will drive the company into the ground.

wurwolf: And Shirley Shepherd will be out of a job and go back to hooking. Way to go, Bob.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)


3 comments:

Tork_110 said...

THE KINGDOM IS DEPARTED FROM THEE! THE KINGDOM IS DEPARTED FROM THEE!



YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

qjuybt

PM said...

So now we know what happened to Howard Dean. An angel hopped on his shoulder and whispered "The kingdom is departed from thee!" in his ear. And the rest, as they say, is history.

"YAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!"

no springs said...

So ex-hooker Shirley gets a job as a secretary, and now she wears her hair tied back the stereotypical bun? You're right - maybe this tract does take place in the 1940's. Anyway, she's the one employee who really deserves to be fired b/c she makes so many personal calls to Bob.

Great job, ladies. And I agree - bring back the corporeal Fang!

-ns (bw bw)
word ver: vkxpxzr