Thursday, December 20, 2007

Uh.... Is this thing on?

It's sad.... and we're sorry. We've been so SO naughty about updating here. About once a month Lita and I look at each other (virtually) and say, "We should really do an update soon." And then the other person says, "Yeah..." and then the first person says, "Yeah...." and then we go back to talking about whatever we were talking about before one of us thought about Holeee Cow. It's not that we don't love Chick Tracts, and Lord knows I hate it when people whine about how much work it is to maintain a blog. But the sad truth is that making fun of Christian literature is hard work, people! I don't know how the athiests do it.

So don't lose hope -- we haven't given up. We still love Holeee Cow, and we will do our best to update again soon. We promise!

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Choice

Bob Williams was clearly a character for the ages in Chick Publications. The person doing the witnessing doesn't even get a name in this tract! It ultimately doesn't matter, though, because George is the one to keep your eye on here. So join us as we take a look at one man's descent into madness in The Choice.

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wurwolf: "All through life we make choices." Yeah. Because combovers and ugly shirts just don't happen.

Lita: That's the CEO of the company behind that guy. If he doesn't hurry up and grab an eggroll he's gonna be so fired.

Lita: Why is this guy so freaked out anyway? The whole point of a buffet is you don't have to choose. You just grab some of everything that looks good. Is this some kind of evil Bizarro buffet where you can only grab one thing?

wurwolf: Really. It's not like he has to eat everything on his plate anyway.

Lita: Maybe he just knows from experience that if he blows it then intense gastrointestinal distress will be imminent.

wurwolf: These people have no concept of buffet etiquette. It's not a one-at-a-time kind of thing. You can go to the other side and serve yourself.

Lita: I bet they know that but they're all super passive-agressive and prefer to stand there and wait and glare at him and make a big show of how he's putting them out, but they're not saying anything.

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wurwolf: Is the grumpy CEO sitting down to eat with indecisive guy?

Lita: Nah. The CEO doesn't wear glasses.

wurwolf: Wait... is this guy saying that George is going to die eating the buffet food? Has he been reading restaurant reviews?

Lita: "You're gonna say I have to choose between God and the devil, right?" "WRONG!"

Lita: "Actually I was referring to your choice in life insurance. Can you be sure that your family will be provided for when you die? Will they be able to pay your funeral expenses? Well, let me tell you about this great plan from Colonial Pen. You cannot be turned down..."

wurwolf: He certainly looks the part.

Lita: You kind of get the idea of what it's like to have lunch with our bald friend here, considering George is fully expecting this whole lunch thing is just a flimsy cover for a witnessing opportunity. George must be really hungry.

Lita: Hungry for the Bread of Life!

wurwolf: Hey-o!

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Lita: Hey! It's Fang! And he's sniffing a fire hydrant! Thanks for the pee reference, Chick Tracts!

wurwolf: Bob is gone, but we still have our Fang.

Lita: Fang has no problem with the idea of peeing in a Christian comic.

wurwolf: Neither do I. Why would that be any worse than the usual gore we're treated to?

Lita: So... MOST people will be in Hell because they agreed to eat with a guy they knew would just witness to them the whole time?

wurwolf: Talk about bad choices.

Lita: I guess that meal would be pretty hellish.

wurwolf: George must live in a cave. I'll bet he's going to be surprised to hear that Jesus is the Son of God.

Lita: I always find it interesting in these tracts how the stumbling block to faith is never that the person being witnessed to doesn't believe in God or doesn't believe the Christian theology. It's that they've never heard it before. They always fully accept everything they hear once they're told.

wurwolf: It's true. Whether the person being witnessed to holds very strong beliefs or doesn't believe in anything at all, they're always perfectly willing to get on board the Jesus train once the person witnessing mentions His name. I've always thought that writing a tract this way would be counterproductive to real-life witnessing.

wurwolf: It's counterproductive for Christians doing the witnessing because real-life witnessing just isn't that easy, and it's wrong for those hearing the gospel message because it probably doesn't answer any of their questions to have the person being witnessed to in the tract say, "Jesus? Okay! Where do I sign up!"

Lita: It certainly doesn't respond to the whole "There is no God, we evolved to be here" issue, or even the whole, "Jesus is not the son of God. I believe in this other god over here" issue.

Lita: Even in the tracts where people were converted from other religions, they weren't really given a reason why Christianity is more true than whatever they believed in before. They were just told it was and fully believed it.

wurwolf: Exactly. I wonder how many people have really been converted as a result of these tracts, and what their mental capacity is.

wurwolf: But then I get distracted by something shiny, and I don't care any more.

Lita: Oh, for Heaven's sake. "NO I'm not going to tell you your choice is between God and the Devil! What are you, an idiot? I'll tell you what it's really all about! You see, there's God, right? And then there's the Devil. Let me tell you a little about them both so you can make the right choice..."

wurwolf: I sure hope that old dude brought along the flannelgraphs to spell it out for George. He seems to need it.

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wurwolf: Look how tiny that old dude's mouth is. How does he fit any food in there?

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Lita: It bugs me how these tracts insist on drawing Satan as an ugly horned demon. The Bible itself says that Lucifer was a good looking kinda guy. And with Chick Tracts being so rigid about taking the Bible completely literally, it's interesting how happy they are to take liberties with certain things.

wurwolf: He's Satan... IN SPACE!

Lita: And really, it makes more sense to have Satan be attractive. Few people would sin if they didn't think there was something they could get out of it. The whole point is that it looks pretty good, even though it isn't really. The embodiment of that evil should personify that.

Lita: I guess at the very least they made him look like a normal angel before he became Satan. But I don't remember reading in the Bible where it said God uglified Lucifer when he was cast out.

Lita: Those teeth. Eating has got to be an unpleasant experience for him.

wurwolf: Poor Satan. You're making me feel sorry for him.

Lita: Nothing like a Chick Tract for making you feel sympathy for the Devil.

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Lita: Huh. Apparently "ate of the Forbidden Fruit" is actually secret Bible code for "rolled around in piles of dog shit." Take that, all you pervert Catholics who wanted to make it a sexual thing!

wurwolf: So because Adam and Eve rolled around in piles of dog shit, that has made children through the ages dump bowls of food on their own heads? I'm sorry, I'm not following the reasoning here.

Lita: I don't know, but I like how they made sure it was a toddler dumping the food on his head so that once again they can show that God doesn't even make allowances for little kids who don't know any better. The age of accountability is for sissies!

Lita: If that baby died right now he would ROAST IN HELL. As well he should. The filthy little sinner.

wurwolf: Now I'm starving for some roasted baby.

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wurwolf: Look at those poor people! They're sliding right across the Ice Rink of Damnation!

wurwolf: Actually, that looks like me when I'm trying to ice skate. Heh.

Lita: I guess they do have snowballs in Hell

wurwolf: You know, Chick Publications does a really lousy job of making Hell seem hellish, what with the skating parties and balloons and slides and nudity.

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Lita: Wow, gross. Look at Satan's fingernails. I would not be smiling like that if he stuck those fingers in my ears.

wurwolf: At least you'd know you were getting a good ear-cleaning.

wurwolf: Frankly, I think that chick made a bad choice in earrings.

Lita: You don't like her ear chandeliers?

wurwolf: They're a little bit too party girl for me.

Lita: They look like tiny swinging axes to me. I thought she must be a fan of Poe's "The Pit and the Pendulum"

Lita: "One of his FAVORITE weapons is religion. He uses it to keep billions in bondage." "Hey! Wow! You're right! I'll be sure to steer clear of that, then. Bye!"

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Lita: Like many people I have been taught about evolution in my public school, but never once was it taught by pointing to a picture of a Gorilla with the word "Daddy" under it.

Lita: Typical straw man argument, though. They don't have much they can say about how evolution is actually taught (at least not in such a brief format), so they make up a blatantly ridiculous argument and say the other guy said it so they can defeat THAT.

wurwolf: Er.... those "young people" aren't particularly young.

Lita: And yet, those same "young people" could be the very saints that might encourage this young man to drop out of that evil school he's going to! The tract shouldn't be so harsh to them.

wurwolf: Yeah, really. Is the tract saying that peer pressure is keeping kids from accepting the theory of evolution?

Lita: His friends would probably encourage him to go smoke some crack or maybe rob a liquor stor or something and not think so hard about where we all came from.

wurwolf: That's kind of a weird tack for a fundamentalist Christian tract to take.

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Lita: Great of the artist to give the money-chasing guy a big huge nose. What a Jew.

wurwolf: He can just smell the money!

wurwolf: Poor guy with the beer can on his head. I've been there, fella.

Lita: I do agree that Football Season was sent to us by Satan, though.

wurwolf: I'd be willing to go so far as to say that all sports are straight from hell.

Lita: Professional sports, anyway. No reason not to go outside with your friends to throw a frisbee around once in a while.

Lita: It is a little unsetting to find some common ground with a Chick Tract, though.

wurwolf: Yeah... you're right.

Lita: Come on, Chick Tracts! Say something crazy again so we can get back to more familiar territory!

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wurwolf: So did Jesus come to earth on an arrow?

wurwolf: It's like the Father, Jesus and the Holy Ghost were playing a life-size game of Chutes & Ladders, and Jesus lost and slid straight down to earth.

Lita: It's a map of His journey. I bet Indiana Jones music played while Jesus came down.

Lita: And how incredibly awesome would it be if that were true?

wurwolf: Jesus is just that cool.

Lita scrolls down past the crucifixion scene because, SEEN IT.

wurwolf: We're getting so jaded about the crucifixion. Stupid Chick tracts.

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Lita: The look on George's face as he tries to process this information is hilarious.

wurwolf: You can imagine him sitting there for several minutes with that expression.

Lita: "Can't... understand.... concentration... painful.... must... think.... George.... think!!"

wurwolf: *FART*

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Lita: Those who believe that Jesus died for their sins and trust Him as their Saviour are born into God's family. Others wear filthy clothes and carry bedpans around with sour expressions on their faces.

wurwolf: What? Oh... that's a busboy and we're back in the restaurant. I was like, What does this guy have to do with trusting Jesus?

Lita: Still others join the mob and creepily peer in from the edges of frames of religious comics.

wurwolf: Others are personally escorted through the Space Mountain ride at Disney World.

Lita: That angel is totally using the Superman pose while flying. I love that. If I could fly I'd totally fly in Superman formation.

wurwolf: Totally.

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wurwolf: I have to wonder what the point of drawing George and the old dude so close together. George looks like he's going to lick the old dude's ear.

Lita: "Well, as long as I'm going to Hell, we may as well have a little fun here on Earth..."

wurwolf: But not in a diner, guys. Jiminy crickets.

Lita: Yikes! A troll has come down from the mountains and is roaming the town trying to pass as human!

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wurwolf: I think that lady just swallowed her teeth when she saw the bill.

Lita: Even now she's planning to cheat her waitress out of a decent tip.

Lita: Yeah, buffets don't have waitresses, but they don't bring a bill to your table when you're done either. You pay upfront.

wurwolf: Well, this buffet has a Mennonite waitress.

wurwolf: Hearing that you don't choose between God and the devil has really thrown George into a panic. His whole world is falling apart.

Lita: Or maybe he looked out the window and saw that Badcat made it with a squirrel and produced some horrible mutant cat/squirrel/pig baby.

wurwolf: I know, I was going to say that was Badcat but then I got a better look at it. Ick!

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Lita: Wow. That face. This is a really frightening depiction of a man's descent into madness.

Lita: All that's missing is the line of drool running from that slack jaw.

wurwolf: That's why these tracts are comics. You could probably draw that in yourself.

wurwolf: The woman Jesus is preaching to is wearing deely-boppers.

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Lita: She's gonna catch a party in New Orleans as soon as the sermon is over.

wurwolf: She's one step away from a macaroni hat.

wurwolf: Yeah, George is upset and outraged, but that hasn't stopped him from putting his fork down.

Lita: Ok. So it's not a choice between God and the Devil. It's a choice between Choosing God or staying with the Devil. Thanks for the ridiculous argument in semantics, bald dude.

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Lita: George finds it irritating that the waitress is passing the check right in front of his nose. She really should respect his personal space. Just put the bill on the edge of the table!

wurwolf: Well, can you blame him? She's practically slapping him in the face with it.

Lita: True. But on the other hand you'd think he'd be thankful for the interruption in this conversation.

wurwolf: The King James Version: The only version heavy enough to squish the devil.

Lita: Wow, the Devil is tall. Or maybe the Bible smooshed him out a little bit.

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Lita: All that dialogue is dribbling right out of George's mouth.

wurwolf: That's the craziest series of word balloons I've ever seen.

wurwolf: Is the old dude a robot? His expression hasn't really changed at all.

wurwolf: George has gone from indecisive to smug to stark raving mad, but the old dude looks like he drank a bottle of Cherry Nyquil before heading out to the buffet.

Lita: Poor George. We know his salvation won't take because he couldn't be bothered to get out of his seat and roll around on the floor during his prayer.

wurwolf: Frankly, I think his salvation won't take because Bob Williams wasn't handling the conversion.

Lita: I think his salvation won't take because he's a clearly insane person.

Lita: Seems to me George would be pretty easy to convert. Tomorrow he'll be shaving his head and marrying a group of goats in homage to the Great and Powerful Messiah George Roberts.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 1999 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Party Girl

We had a few ideas for which non-series tract we wanted to cover first. Without Bob ruling us with his immovable iron fist of hate we were lost at sea, struggling to find a guiding light to help us know where to turn. Would we take on another tract about Catholics? How about one written just for black people? Maybe one about the evils of rock music? And then we remembered all those crazy bitches in Hollywood, getting arrested and flashing their cooters and going to rehab and snorting lines of coke off each others asses and we knew which tract we should do:

wurwolf: I can't tell if Party Girl is dancing with streamers and balloons on the cover or if that's a chalk outline of her body amidst streaks and splotches of blood.

Lita: It's one of those vampire parties where they put blood in the fire sprinklers.

wurwolf: Rockin'!

wurwolf: It occurs to me that having horns would be a convenient place to hang your washcloth when you're in the bathroom in the morning.

Lita: Heh. Rock and Roll is the Devil's music. Because Jesus hates a good tune.

wurwolf: What I wouldn't give to get a peek at the roster of the "hottest groups". You just know Bon Jovi's on there.

Lita: I read on some Christian website that a bunch of scientists played rock music for some cows and the cows stopped giving milk.

Lita: The cows listening to classical music were fine, but the ones listening to rock all quit giving milk and, I don't know, commited suicide or something. It was supposed to be evidence that rock music is Of the Devil.

wurwolf: Sure, because the cows aren't interested in lactating when they could be rockin' to the sweet sounds of Pantera!

Lita: I have to admit that I have never lactated while listening to rock music.

wurwolf: And I know when I was lactating I mostly listened to Frank Sinatra. So there you go. Irrefutable proof that some Christian website is 100% correct.

Lita: Actually, if I were listening to rock music and I did suddenly start lactating, it might occur to me that something occult may be happening. Or that I should see my doctor. One of the two.

wurwolf: A doctor for each boob?

wurwolf: Low-grade condoms? So people can multiply and be fruitful? Sounds like Satan's stealing God's lines again.

Lita: He just didn't want to fork over for the good ones. Satan's minions are just gonna be handing out some Saran Wrap and rubber bands.

wurwolf: He could have just expensed it. I mean, if you're going to go through the trouble of putting together a festival with the hottest bands in the world, all in the name of world domination, what's another couple of bucks?

wurwolf: It's not like Hell's coffers are empty, what with all the rich people that wound up there.

Lita: Really, I think if he wants to promote consequence-free fornication he should pay up for the best condoms he can get, but what do I know? I'm not Satan.

Lita: I know it's not like Satan to be all short-term thinking by messing up people's bodies with STDs and not their souls by allowing them to get their mack on without worry. He's got a plan.

wurwolf: I'm sure this whole thing is well thought-out.

Lita: Aww. Satan doesn't want to lose a single one of his guests. It's good to see that he cares about their safety. He's going to make sure there is adequate lighting and hand rails on the steps and emergency exits are clearly marked and that there is no underage drinking and that there are plenty of designated drivers.

wurwolf: Next Satan will be promoting abstinence and prayer.

wurwolf: 3,000 miles away? From Hell?

wurwolf: Is Chick Publications saying they know the exact location of Hell, and this woman's house is 3,000 miles away from it?

Lita: She looks a little bit... I don't know. But I don't think if she called me up about some vision that God gave her that I'd be all that shocked. She seems like the type to hear voices at 4 in the morning.

wurwolf: I think Rita Jones needs to be praying for her little withered arm. Sick!

Lita: So is that Rita in both pics? Because it's nice to see that she felt it was ok to sit a few hours on God's important message.

Lita: God woke her up at 4 in the morning to tell her to warn somebody about imminent danger. But that's ok, Rita. You make sure your hair is all nice before you get on the phone. And obviously you can't make these kinds of phonecalls on an empty stomach. And get some makeup on too. It's only sort-of URGENT!

wurwolf: Unless maybe Rita's in California and her granddaughter is in New York? Or maybe she didn't really feel it was all that urgent until she got on the phone.

wurwolf: I can imagine God sitting there, tapping His foot and looking at His watch in frustration.

Lita: Then why is the time stamp over her head? That makes it look like it's that time at her place. If it's that late where Jill is, they should have had the guy on the phone like, "Lady, it's 7 AM here!"

wurwolf: I don't know, Lita. You're trying to make sense of a Chick tract.

wurwolf: Sometimes you need to let go and let God.

Lita: I think God needs to toss a few lightning bolts at Rita's procrastinating ass.

wurwolf: Hee! Bad Cat is giving Satan's minion the business!

Lita: Bad Cat better be careful! He's about to get reported!

wurwolf: The minion looks like Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, if he had his eyes gouged out.

Lita: @!!!**! makes its grand reappearance.

Lita: Satan just totally called Rita an old butt.

wurwolf: BURN!

wurwolf: Literally. Because he's in Hell and it's hot and... heh...

wurwolf: I love that the demons in Hell know believers by name, like they're celebrities or something. How vain of fundamentalists to believe that.

Lita: By the way;

wurwolf: Nice to see Satan making a biblical reference to Paul and the thorn in his side.

wurwolf: Wait.... how come she's only been a thorn in his side for 20 years? She's really old.

Lita: She probably had some wild times in her youth.

wurwolf: And now she doesn't want anyone else to have fun, especially her granddaughter.

Lita: Oh yeah. She looks like she was a slutty lttle Hellcat 20 years ago.

wurwolf: A crowd of people partying! Countdown to offensive stereotypes of gay men in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Lita: What the hell is that thing on Gilda Radner's head?

wurwolf: I don't know, but it looks like something she made out of spaghetti and macaroni in art class. Also, I can see Gilda Radner, but I was really picking up Karen Carpenter there.

Lita: How about the guy in that other frame? He's going to party at Hotel Orleans despite his massive head trauma.

Lita: Satan. Master of disguise.

wurwolf: He is indeed. It's brilliant! I'm going out next Halloween as myself.

Lita: Very subtle how they dressed him kind of like a Catholic priest.

wurwolf: I may even go to the trouble of printing out a picture of me and wearing it as a mask.

Lita: That would be awesome.

wurwolf: So with that mask Satan has four horns? He's turning into an elk. What a rack!

Lita: Nice how Satan has to attend a party personally for just one soul.

Lita: He doesn't have any lackys to take care of that.

wurwolf: Satan's plan for world domination is off to a really slow start. You're right, he needs to learn how to delegate.

Lita: Oh, wait. I forgot he's personally interested in this chick because he doesn't like her grandma.

wurwolf: Satan's got all the classic symptoms of poor management style. He needs to attend some seminars. My boss is always getting stuff in the mail, I'd be happy to forward Satan some brochures.

wurwolf: On the plus side, he makes one mean apple-tini.

Lita: Ok, so what ignorant parent is letting their 7-year-old wander around unattended at what appears to be Mardi Gras?

wurwolf: He's not unattended. He's got Queen Victoria looking after him.

Lita: Hey! I finally figured out why Satan went for the low-grade condoms!

wurwolf: Oh yeah? Why?

Lita: If this is Mardi Gras, then that means there's probably a lot of poor black folk in attendance. Satan is hoping they all have a bunch of kids they can't afford, thus increasing poverty, crime, and negative stereotypes and keeping the black man down!

Lita: Satan is a brilliant strategist.

wurwolf: Clearly.

wurwolf: "To long life!" Oh, how deliciously ironic.

Lita: Wow!!! Grandma just totally pursewhipped Ron Jeremy!!

wurwolf: I think Gilda's hat is making her cross-eyed.

Lita: I think the booze is making Gilda cross-eyed. But I'm more interested in the purse whipping.

wurwolf: Well really. I don't know anyone's grandmother who wouldn't pursewhip Ron Jeremy given the opportunity.

Lita: What's grandma doing here? Smacking greasy porn stars with her purse. What are YOU doing there, Gilda?

wurwolf: You know what, I'm going to stand by my assertion that they're basing Jill on Karen Carpenter. Look at her tiny waist! What is she, a wasp?

wurwolf: Someone graffitied "GASP" on the wall.

Lita: Wow. I thought Ron Jeremy was wearing a cool set of rockstar shades, but it turns out it's just a dumb little robber mask.

wurwolf: It's probably all he could fit on his giant head.

Lita: "Call an ambulance!" "Too late... he's dead." "Ok, leave him there, then!"

wurwolf: Come on, they're at Mardi Gras. There are going to be bodies all over the place before it's over. He'll be picked up eventually.

Lita: I guess it is New Orleans...

wurwolf: I hope the tract readers appreciate the irony of Jill calling her grandmother crazy while wearing a macaroni hat.

wurwolf: Evidently Jill's friend belonged to the Stupid Hat brigade as well.

Lita: Jill's phone got tiny. She looks like she's lifting a barbell.

wurwolf: "Jill, you have an unseen enemy. His name is Satan." Is Grandma trying to get Jill to put her in a home?

Lita: She's changed back into her T-Shirt and Mom Jeans, but is still carrying that hat around.

wurwolf: She's got to maintain her party girl status.

Lita: Something about Grandma's assertion that Satan is using immoral sex on Jill just tickles me.

wurwolf: It is kind of a kick in the pants that your grandmother would know that you're engaging in immoral sex.

Lita: Repent, Jill! Put your hair in a bun, button your dress up to your chin, and sit around on the couch in the dark and nag your grandkids all day!

wurwolf: Don't forget to point and keep your knees apart!

Lita: Jill, I know you're bored as hell, but it's rude to yawn while your grandma is talking to you.

wurwolf: Or burp.

wurwolf: I'm wondering why we're getting a shot of the crowd while Grandma gives Jill the gospel.

Lita: That is frankly a disappoining picture of that crowd of sinners. They're just walking around happy. That's nothing to get your sup-hose in a twist for!

wurwolf: They must be sinning somehow.

wurwolf: You know, I'm just going on the assumption that this woman we've been referring to as "Grandma" is the same person in every panel. Because in every damn panel she looks completely different.

wurwolf: Jesus, to Satan: Does this bug you? I'm not touching you.

Lita: This is a pretty stock salvation. Let's skip down a bit...

wurwolf: Dirtiest panel ever: "Then you will receive God's love gift." "I want to do it right now, Grandma."

wurwolf: Grandma: There is only ONE way to get your sins forgiven. You stick your lumpy butt in the air! But not in an immoral sexual kind of way.

Lita: Poor Satan. He's so flustered that his poisoning ploy didn't work out that now he's just grasping at straws.

wurwolf: He's just shouting stuff out.

Lita: I think deep down he realizes that if he hadn't gotten all ahead of himself and tried to poison Jill she'd never have believed a word Grandma had to say about Jesus.

wurwolf: He really tipped his hand there, didn't he?

Lita: Look at his poor face. He's trying so hard not to cry!

wurwolf: So the person who is reading this tract is supposed to ignore the dude who's telling them to party hardy and listen to the woman in prairie garb. Right....

Lita: She sounds like she's selling crooked life insurance for old people on the TV. The tiny print disclaimer at the bottom doesn't help at all.

wurwolf: I think Chick Publications failed in delivering their intended message if we feel sorry for Satan at the end of the tract.

Lita: You kind of want to put an arm around him and say, "Buck up, Big Guy! You'll get the next one!"

Mad props to our own favorite party girl, Rimmi, for helping out! Thanks, Rimmi! We'll be over to snort coke off your ass later!

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2003 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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Friday, May 11, 2007

Welcome New Reader(s)!

We're on a brief sort of hiatus while Lita wraps up the teaching year and prepares for another summer at the environmental camp. Once we get our schedules to coincide, we'll be back and ready to tackle the next round of tracts.

In the meantime, however, I thought I would provide a link to our introductory post. It's a kind of background for the reasons why we started this blog that might explain where we're coming from, which might be helpful for new readers (the additional two new readers to our previous three). I just reread it, and there is one thing I would change: we are definitely not bashing anyone's beliefs just a little bit. More like a lot. :o)

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Here He comes

We knew it would happen sooner or later, but who knew it would come so soon? Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the end times. That's right. This is our final Bible Series Tract. It's a momentous moment for all of us. Please join wurwolf and me as we join Bob one last time in...

Here he comes again,
Ooh, he'll make you flip,
Here he comes again,
When he's dancing 'neath the starry sky,
Here he comes again,
I kinda like the way he dips,
Well he's my best friend's girl,
He's my best friend's girl,
But he used to be mine!

wurwolf: Other than the line "he's my best friend's girl", I think that's the most awesome song about Jesus I've ever heard.

wurwolf: I love love love that Helen is sitting in the back seat while the two men are up front. How typical is that of Chick tracts?!

wurwolf: You know how in TV shows they do outside shots of a car driving down the street, but when they show what's going on inside the car it's on a sound stage and someone's shaking the car around to look like it's moving? I think that's what's going on here. From the outside, Bob's car looks like this:

but on the inside his car looks like this:

Lita: How come Damien didn't get raptured? He gave up the on the whoring.

wurwolf: In every tract we see him in, he's still wearing a black shirt, albeit without the collar. That tells me that he hasn't fully committed and is still a closet Catholic. He's probably got a shrine to Mary hidden away in the room he has in Bob's house.

Lita: Or maybe it's like how I'm going to hell just because my grandfather was a Freemason. Even though I'm a fully committed Christian and have never been a Mason myself, I still have Freemason stink all over me.

wurwolf: The sins of the fathers and all that.

wurwolf: Or in Damien's case, the sins of the Father.

wurwolf: And something just occurred to me -- since Damien is no longer a priest, what is he doing for a living now? Or is he just freeloading off of Bob and Helen?

Lita: Oh no! Fang is lost! He will burn in Hell forever! No wonder he looks so scared!

wurwolf: I doubt Fang is lost. He gets passed around from owner to owner. He's probably just with some new family.

Lita: He's lost in Christ.

wurwolf: Is that a bottle of whiskey flying out of the car when it hits the telephone pole?

Lita: Damien does have a history of drinking. But I think Bob and Helen were trying to set him up. That's why they bailed him out of the car. Now that great whore's pimp is going to face drunk driving charges!

wurwolf: Also flying out of the car: kiddie porn

Lita: Ohhhh. It Was All A Dream. That's too bad. I wanted to read a tract about a world without Bob.

wurwolf: You will be soon. This is Bob's last tract.

Lita: He'll still exist in these comics' "universe," though.

Lita: I guess this confirms that Damien is staying with Bob and Helen. It's like they're running a halfway house for former sinners.

wurwolf: Former celibate sinners. That's a single bed.

Lita: It sure is. Poor Helen.

wurwolf: She can always bang Damien on the couch. Or the kitchen table.

Lita: At that rate she may as well just do it on the tiny bed.

wurwolf: I'm sure she and Bob have separate twin beds, like Rob and Laura Petrie.

Lita: I bet every morning she combs the newspaper for news of fires. "Oh, Bob! The Jones's house burned down last night! Three people died and there's a kid in the hospital!" That burn ward buys her a lot of "Helen Time"

wurwolf: Left behind is in boldface again. Another shout out?

Lita: You know, I never read any of those books myself, so I'm probably a bad judge of this. But I did have several kids do book reports on books from the series while I was student teaching. It didn't strike me as overly Bible based.

Lita: Not that you can tell much from a kid's book report. But what the hell? It's about waging war against Satan! Fun!

wurwolf: I read about four or five of them when I was working at the Christian bookstore, but that was about ten years ago and I really don't remember anything about them. So I'm not particularly helpful.

Lita: Kirk Cameron is in the movie version.

wurwolf: I like Bob's black robe with the leopard skin collar.

wurwolf: By the way, it's not set in stone that we will be raptured before the Tribulation. It's what all Christians hope is going to happen, but we don't know for sure.

Lita looks up the verse Bob just threw out


Then I saw thrones, and the people sitting on them had been given the authority to judge. And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded for their testimony about Jesus and for proclaiming the word of God. They had not worshiped the beast or his statue, nor accepted his mark on their forehead or their hands. They all came to life again, and they reigned with Christ for a thousand years.

Lita: It's just about what happens to Christians during the tribulation. It doesn't say that these are post-rapture Christians.

wurwolf: Bob has been droning on the entire time it took Helen to make a pot of coffee and get Father Damien a cup.

Lita: "The Antichrist will be revealed! Are you interested?" "Are you kidding?" Seriously, Bob. You already told him the Antichrist is the Pope.

wurwolf: The tract cut Damien off before he could say, "It's two in the morning and I've got a long day of banging your wife while you're at work tomorrow! I'm going to bed!"

Lita: There are distinctly five horsemen in that picture of the four horsemen.

wurwolf: And one of them is on fire.

Lita: Also one of those horsemen is a Catholic priest and another is the Pope. Who knew? I wonder which plagues they represent. That Pope must be busy if he has to do double-duty as both the Antichrist and a horseman.

Lita: Poor Fire Horseman has to share a horse with the Turban Horseman

wurwolf: Poor Turban Horseman. I hope he's wearing asbestos.

wurwolf: I've seen fundamentalist literature that claims that Christ is the horseman on the white horse. I guess Bob is saying this guy is the Antichrist.

Lita: There's two white horses.

wurwolf: One's supposed to be gray.

wurwolf: You'd think Fire Horseman would be better off riding with Fireman Horseman.

Lita: Mongolian Horseman doesn't even get a horse. I guess nobody wanted to share with him.

wurwolf: Oh, he's Mongolian? I thought that was a fire helmet.

wurwolf: I like how the vultures pecked out the Arab guy's eyes. Nice touch.

Lita: They look happy to do it.

wurwolf: Okay. Bob's editorializing there.

Lita: No, the Bible actually says, "And lo, the Pope will be drooling all down the front of his robes waiting for the Jews to build a temple. He liketh the real-estate."

wurwolf: Wipe your mouth, your Holiness.

wurwolf: Is there such a thing as a Jesuit general?

Lita: Sure there is. It says so. In the Bible. Don't ask for a verse.

wurwolf: Okay!

Lita: The Pope has tons of authority to sign peace treaties on behalf of the nations of the world.

wurwolf: The guy in the bowtie in the picture of the Pope signing Sherry's birthday card is the guy from the Freemason's tract, I think.

wurwolf: The Pope is casting a skeptical glance at the Buddhist monk.

Lita: Heh. I think this is the first tract we've seen to include Surprise Buttsex

wurwolf: They saved the best for last.

wurwolf: It should say that then Satan slowly and gently enters the Beast.

Lita: Doesn't look all that slow and gentle to me. Look at the beads of sweat running down that poor guy's head!

wurwolf: Okay, so Satan's taking him by force. Why am I surprised? He is Satan, after all.

Lita: By the way, I thought the Beast was supposed to be the Pope. So why are we getting some random priest here?

wurwolf: Bob's making the claim that the Pope is the Antichrist and the Beast is the Jesuit General. Whatever that is.

Lita: Oh, ok. This whole thing is so confusing.

wurwolf: But aren't the Beast and the Antichrist the same person?

Lita: I've always been under the impression that the Beast was the Antichrist.

wurwolf: It's cool how the Beast's army has neat skull logos on their hats.

wurwolf: Wow! The Beast is on American Idol! So that's how he takes over the world!

Lita: "Hang Ten, dudes!"

wurwolf: He's totally Stayin' Alive!

wurwolf: The Pope's always making decrees about something. Why should people suddenly start listening to him now that it's the Tribulation?

Lita: You know, I'd have thought they'd just throw all the heads in a big bucket, but they're going through the trouble to drive stakes into the wall and mount the heads on them. This is indeed a quality operation.

wurwolf: Saddam Hussein and Lou Reed are working on adding more heads.

wurwolf: It looks like they're out of spikes. Where will they put this next head?

Lita: Looks like they might be late for lunch after all.

wurwolf: That's a dedicated executioner if he can chop off all those heads and still have an appetite for lunch.

wurwolf: Can wrath be kept in a vial?

Lita: God can keep His wrath wherever He wants.

Lita: You know, most people would take "his wrath will be poured out" as a figure of speech for "He'll get really mad and start punishing people." Leave it to Bob to take it completely literally.

wurwolf: Speaking of taking scripture literally, the locusts with the faces of men in Revelation are widely regarded to be helicopters. Not literal locusts, Bob.

Lita: I bet this is the artist's favorite tract ever. It's so gruesome.

wurwolf: Oh of course. And yet it wasn't gruesome enough -- they had to show Jesus on the cross, too.

wurwolf: This scene would be the perfect place to put Fang and Bad Cat. Fang's been reduced to posters for too long.

Lita: They really have been cheap with the Fang sightings lately. I feel cheated.

wurwolf: You'd think they'd finish that particular plot line up with a bang.

wurwolf: People in heaven: "Whoohoo, the Vatican's gone! I've been waiting for the place to burn down for an eternity."

Lita: Now it's payback time.

wurwolf: Bitches.

wurwolf: The angels are so casual about casting the Pope and the Jesuit General into the lake of fire. It's your big moment, guys! Get excited a little!

Lita: They're always just like, "Eh." Like they're throwing laundry into the hamper or something.

wurwolf: I know they've been tossing people into the Abyss left and right for years now, but this is the big one!

Lita: Even when they throw Satan in. It's just like, "See ya later, dude. Whatever."

wurwolf: "Have a nice trip. See you next fall."

wurwolf: Here's the movie of everyone's life. This guy's looks boring -- can we skip on to Genghis Khan or something?

Lita: Genghis Khan is too busy riding his invisible horse around with those other four guys.

Lita: I like that guy on the Jumbotron. He's all pointing his thumb at himself like, "Yeah! How about me? You motherfuckers don't have the guts to keep ME out of Heaven!

wurwolf: Why is God asking if that guy's name is in the Book of Life? He knows it's not. He's just trying to amp up the drama.

Lita: It's like at the end of any given reality show when they take forever to reveal who's leaving. They know darn well who it is. They just want to pad out the last five minutes of the show with tense silence.

Lita: Oh no! Now Bob is breaking the fourth wall and talking directly to US!

wurwolf: It's his last chance, too.

wurwolf: And this is how Bob leaves us. One last time to turn on the hypno-eyes.

Lita: Goodbye, Bob, you magnificent bastard.

wurwolf: You were.... well, not enjoyed.

Lita: That's what Helen said! (Ba-DUM-bum!)

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2003 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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