Wednesday, December 27, 2006

It's a Revelation!

Hopefully you all had a merry Christmas and your new year will be better for you than this last one was.

I just read this cool comic, and it changed my life! You should read it too. You'll never be the same.

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Wednesday, December 20, 2006


Christmas is coming! We thought it only appropriate that we celebrate with Humbug, the second of only two Christmas tracts on That's right. There were multitudes of anti-Halloween tracts, so many we couldn't get to them all, but only two tracts for what most Christians consider the most important holy day in Christianity.

That should tell you most of what you need to know about Chick Publications brand of Christianity right there.

wurwolf: If the cover is any indication, we're in for a festive Christmas tale about Scrooge turning into a zombie.

wurwolf: By the way, the caption for this tract on the main page says, "Adapted from the classic story of Ebenezer Scrooge, but with a twist. Scrooge gets saved!"

wurwolf: Cue Charles Dickens turning in his grave.

Lita: Arguably Scrooge got saved in the original too.

wurwolf: Scrooge's lumpy butt was in the air in the classic?

Lita: Nah. He just started being nice to people and giving to the poor and stuff. What was I thinking? If these tracts have taught me anything it's that Christians aren't nice.

wurwolf: Christianity certainly has nothing to do with taking care of the poor and disenfranchised.

Lita: That was Christ's gig. And if there's anything Christ hates, it's when you steal His bit and try to act like He did.

Lita: Scrooge makes a good point. Why would the family be waiting for that sop?

wurwolf: I don't blame Scrooge. If there's something I can't stand it's a sop. Someone who lets everyone walk all over him and won't stand up to anyone.

Lita: This is another example where you almost hate to say it, but the villain of the tract looks a bit... ethnic.

wurwolf: Inspector Clouseau and Kato stop by to see how Scrooge is doing these days.

wurwolf: And speaking of mangers, do you know how often I go to type "manager" and type "manger" instead, and lousy spellcheck never catches it because manger is an actual word?

wurwolf: It happens a lot, I'm saying.

Lita: Scrooge's world is all about finance. Because you can't have the kind of Jewish-looking guy caring about anything but money.

wurwolf: Bob Cratchit looks a lot like Steve Coogan.

Lita: What a coincidence! Scrooge looks like Jackie Coogan!

wurwolf: It's a Coogan-off!

wurwolf: Scrooge Coogan will always wave his finger in Cratchit Coogan's face.

Lita: I wonder if Scroogan will claim to never have heard of Jesus at the end. Because I'd have a hard time believing that of a guy in Victorian times.

wurwolf: Well, he's already said that he doesn't know what Crootchit is talking about.

Lita: Scroogan is calling Crootchit DAFT because that's how English people talk.

Lita: Also he totally looks like an undertaker now.

wurwolf: Yeah, an undertaker with a nose you could press elevator buttons with.

wurwolf: Yikes, Crootchit totally tied his scarf to the hat rack. Gag!

Lita: The hat rack looked a little chilly. Crootchit is a giving type.

wurwolf: Wow. Scroogan yells in a variety of TYPEFACES and fonts, so you know he really means it. And I love that the explanation point is in boldface.

Lita: Huh. So Scroogan is quoting scripture now. That's rare in a Chick Tract villain.

wurwolf: I'm assuming he's not aware he's quoting scripture. And frankly, I can't really disagree with what he's saying.

Lita: Also his face in that second panel makes me think of a mini-golf course and you have to hit the ball up the ramp that goes into his mouth.

wurwolf: Roll it up his tongue and you win a free game!

Lita: His eyeballs light up and steam comes out of his ears!

wurwolf: Imagine the mini golf course you could create out of Chick tracts.

Lita: Who wrote this tripe? Just a panel ago Scroogan was foaming at the mouth about how much people suck but when he hears verses to that effect in the bible suddenly he's all tender-hearted and sympathetic to the plight of man?

Lita: The real Scrooge wouldn't roll over that easily.

wurwolf: I was just about to point that out! I call bullshit on this. Evidently the author doesn't know the real story.

Lita: Well, no. The real story involves ghosts and the occult. That's a horrible thing to read to celebrate the birth of Our Lord.

Lita: A real Christian would know better than to let the original story in their home.

wurwolf: Funny, Chick tracts has no problem talking about it any other time.

wurwolf: And you never hear anyone say "Hummm" any more. It's a lost art.

wurwolf: When it's time to watch my life in review, I'm going to pass out 3D glasses and make sure everyone has soda and popcorn.

Lita: "Hey, guys, check it out! I'm totally picking my nose!"

wurwolf: "Everybody shut it! Here's where I fall off my bike!"

I hope God fast forwards past all the parts where we're sleeping or just sipping a soda or whatever. Skip to the good parts, Lord!

Really. I'm requesting a highlight reel.

Lita: "Here comes a naughty part! Are the kids out of the room?"

wurwolf: I hope the Lord provides black bars. I don't think too many people want to see my saggy boobs and lumpy butt.

Lita: I hope we don't have to watch everybody go to the bathroom. I don't need to watch every poo in humanity.

wurwolf: On the plus side, we get to see everyone's orgasm face. That's always good for a laugh.

Lita: Hey! They even had Chick Tracts back in Victorian times!

wurwolf: Are you surprised? Jack Chick is like a hundred years old.

Lita: I knew Jack Chick was an old guy, but wow!

wurwolf: And in Victorian times, as in modern times, an offer of a Chick tract is met with the threat of being beaten with a cane.

Lita: Crootchit is looking forward to getting his beautiful goose. Is that sarcasm?

wurwolf: Or possibly a euphemism?

wurwolf: At first I thought the guy behind the counter was Scroogan and he was talking about himself in the third person.

Lita: I know. They could have made the main character of the strip look at least marginally different than the extras.

wurwolf: I'm just thankful they didn't go any further with the guy's chest hair. I get that he's fat, but I don't need it to be too detailed.

wurwolf: I hope Tiny Tim is wearing fashionable bike gloves, because if he went and cut all the tips of the fingers off of his gloves, that's just irresponsible.

Lita: Aww. Lupita wants a dolly for Christmas, but is too poor to get one.

wurwolf: No, Lupita!

Lita: The devil will probably tempt her to steal one, but she's a good girl and will resist.

Lita: And then she will be rewarded with a dolly bigger than she is!

wurwolf: You're getting your stories mixed up again, Lita.

wurwolf: So Tiny Tim calls his dad "father", but his sister calls him "Father"? Is she his parishioner?

Lita: Girls have to show the menfolk more respect. The man is the head of the household, you know.

wurwolf: Oh right. I forgot.

wurwolf: Suddenly they're in the Chronicles of Narnia and they're heading for Lantern Waste. Talk about getting your stories mixed up.

Lita: "HAW HAW HAW"? Wow. It's Tiny Tork in there.

wurwolf: Uh, Chick Tracts? Remember Scrooge?

wurwolf: Seriously, we're halfway through the tract and we're still on Bob Cratchit.

Lita: Well, you don't want to put too much focus on the ghosts, you know.

Lita: That bitch woman won't cheer for Scroogan. The little boy has to remind her to pray for people you don't like.

Lita: Women suck so much.

wurwolf: Lousy women.

Lita: If I wrote Christian tracts I'd avoid ever showing women in a good light too.

wurwolf: It only makes sense.

Lita: It's the Christian thing to do.

wurwolf: Also, a snow scene? Total laziness on the part of the artist.

wurwolf: Mrs. Cooper.... awfully close to.... Coogan.

Lita: Ah, the great Christian tradition of shaking your fist and threatening your enemies. It's what Jesus would have done.

wurwolf: Well, she is quoting scripture.

Lita: "Those who mock the poor insult their Maker; those who rejoice at the misfortune of others will be punished."

Lita: I don't know that Scroogan is really mocking her. That shouted threat though implies that she would rejoice in his misfortune.

wurwolf: Scroogan doesn't seem particularly gleeful that he's denying her an additional ten days on her loan.

wurwolf: Once again, being a good businessman = unsaved.

wurwolf wonders why (OOPS!) is in parentheses.

Lita: Pitch the Devil is levitating Scroogan's hat.

wurwolf: It shot right off his head.

Lita: He's going right to bed... by going through the devil door. I think in his place I'd just turn around and stay at a hotel. Or maybe with the Crootchits.

Lita: Oh, cripes. I knew it. We can't have ghosts in a Christian story, so he's just dreaming about Marley.

wurwolf: We can tell Marley was his business partner, because he's got the nose for it.

Lita: And note, of course, that it's the little boy praying and NOT that awful woman or either of her wretched daughters.

wurwolf: Of course.

Lita: Scroogan is going to be worse off than Marley? It gets worse than being condemned by God forever?

Lita: Is Chick Publications telling us that some parts of Hell are less hellish than others?

wurwolf: Evidently so. I'm wondering what the difference would be, though.

Lita: Then again, I guess Scroogan does get saved in this tract. Really, does eternity with Bob sound fun to you?

Lita: So many questions...

wurwolf: I can only hope that Bob's house is clear on the other side of Heaven.

Lita: Well, Bob's saved so many people. He'll probably be in the rockin' side of Heaven. We're saved, but we're kind of grumpy and don't spend every waking hour witnessing. We'll be in the slums of Heaven.

wurwolf: I don't mind being in the slums of Heaven. I have simple tastes.

Lita: Lumpy butt!

wurwolf: More like a watermelon than a lumpy butt.

Lita: There have been lumpier butts.

Lita: "MAKE RESTITUTION!" That's Crootchit outside with a megaphone.

wurwolf: They didn't show the panel where Crootchit says, "NOW DANCE THE MACARENA!"

Lita: Wow! The butcher is vomiting in surprise!

wurwolf: Well, really. It's enough to make anyone throw up.

Lita: That little kid back there is wizzing in the snow. What a thing to put in a religious tract.

wurwolf: I think that's the wagon handle.

Lita: You interpret the tract your way, I'll interpret it mine.

wurwolf: It's been snowing non-stop since the beginning of the tract, and it's not even ankle deep yet?

Lita: Truly it is a miracle of God.

wurwolf: Buying fancy presents, canceling debts, doubling salaries.... being saved is running Scroogan's business into the ground.

wurwolf: Mrs. Crootchit and her daughter are wearing matching dresses.

Lita: Damn woman won't believe that the man has changed! Will nothing ever satisfy that harpy?!

wurwolf: She looks like she's in one of those romance comics from the 50s and 60s.

Lita: Lupita got a giant doll of her own after all!

wurwolf: As did Scroogan, the way he's holding Tiny Tim.

Lita: Scroogan is paying Tiny Tim's medical bills too. He's going to die in a poorhouse.

wurwolf: Dummy.

Lita: As is Tiny Tim, the way Scroogan is holding him

wurwolf: Now Scroogan's going to be driving the Crootchit family nuts. He's going to invite himself over for every holiday and birthday party.

Lita: Scroogan is going to heaven. How about US???

Lita: Butt out, Chick Tracts!

wurwolf: They don't know the meaning of "Mind your own business."

Lita: You know, this really is the worst reimagining of A Christmas Carol I have ever seen, and there have been many terrible ones. They cut out all the ghosty action, which is really the meat of the story! We both expected that, seeing as how Chick Publications are so against ghosts and things, but come on! If you don't want to write a tract with ghosts in it, then don't do A Christmas Carol! Write your own Christmas story!

wurwolf: It's almost as bad as the one with Henry Winkler.

wurwolf: But Chick tracts has no problem with showing ghosts in other tracts.

Lita: Only biblical ghosts.

Lita: Demons are ok, of course, which is why it was fine for Scroogan to have his knocker turn into a devil head. But ghosts are BAD!

wurwolf: Tell me what sense that makes.

Lita: Demons are minions sent by the devil and ghosts are satanic monsters the belief in which can suck your soul into hell. How simple can it be?

Lita: I think the real sticking point was that the writers didn't want it to look like Scroogan was saved by the ghosts.

wurwolf: Then pick a different story! Sheesh!

Lita: That's what I'm saying!

wurwolf: Thanks for the lump of coal, Chick tracts.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 1975 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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Wednesday, December 06, 2006

God With Us

Coincidentally, our return to the Bible Series features the Christmas story. Hm... coincidentally? Or by divine design??? Only God knows for sure, so join us in His blessed plan as we take a look at God With Us.

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wurwolf: I do believe this is Fang's first appearance on a cover. Granted, he's part of a supporting cast and not the starring role, but still.... a cover. That's big time.

Lita: Fang is moving up in the world

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Lita: Hey, it's the return of @!!!**! AND the Mountie that helped frame Joey!

wurwolf: Sadly, the Mountie still hasn't changed his clothes. Does anyone ever change their clothes in these tracts? It's disgusting.

wurwolf: Psst, Mountie! The skateboard wheels go on the bottom!

Lita: Badcat wants the mouse in Mountie's hand.

wurwolf: Why on earth is Mountie holding a mouse?

Lita: Maybe he and Badcat have joined forces.

wurwolf: I like to think that Badcat can do better than that.

Lita: I agree. I think Badcat is just stringing Mountie along.

Lita: Oh, wow. The Mountie's friend has turned his head around 180 degrees in the second panel! He's possessed!

wurwolf: Frightening! But not nearly as frightening as the booger hanging out of his nose.

Lita: Look at those kids answering Bob's request for them to watch their mouths with a swear. I'm thrilled to report that I get better reactions from kids when I ask them to can the potty talk.

Lita: Of course, I usually have the power to get them in trouble.

wurwolf: Bob's just that old grouch who lives down the block. They should have yelled, "Go to bed, old man!" and run away.

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Lita: Are these kids hanging out on his front porch?

wurwolf: I would think so, because it looks like Helen's slapping some dogs on the grill. Unless that's not Helen and they're all trespassing on some other neighbor's property.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'm glad to see Helen's adequately covered up. Good to know she's not a hussy with her boobs hanging out.

Lita: Where are they saying the name of the Lord in vain?

Lita: Because unless @!!!**! is standing in for "Christ," I don't see it.

wurwolf: Hm... I'm going to say it's not, because then they would be saying, "That's none of your Jesus Christ business!" and "What's your Jesus Christ problem?"

wurwolf: Because we all know that Bob has got a serious Jesus Christ problem.

Lita: Bob wants us to believe that the kids said "Jesus Christ." Show, don't tell, Bob.

Lita: Helen is just keeping her mouth shut and doing the cooking, like a good woman. And as soon as the cooking is done, it's time for her to go back home where she belongs.

wurwolf: I think she's the kind of woman who chooses her battles wisely, though. Looks like she gave Bob quite a shiner there.

Lita: Something tells me he asked for it. I mean really asked for it.

wurwolf: Oh.... are you saying Bob's a masochist in the bedroom?

Lita: He's been a bad bad sinner.

wurwolf: If I'm ever in Bob's house I'm going to poke around for a ball gag.

Lita: If I'm ever in Bob's house I'm going to poke around for an escape route. But you have fun looking for the torture dungeon in his basement.

Lita: Badcat recognizes that this is a bad scene and is making an escape.

wurwolf: I don't blame him one bit.

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Lita: So who do you think will get that bird first? Fang, the skateboarder, or Badcat?

wurwolf: It's hard to tell, but it's clearly going to be Fang or the skateboarder. I love how out of perspective that scene is. It's like the artist just pasted stickers on a background.

wurwolf: Clearly, multiple piercings = unrepentant sinner.

Lita: I've never even had my ears pierced. What does that make me?

Lita: Other than a wuss.

wurwolf: Pretty much just a wuss.

Lita: Doh.

wurwolf: Bob and his wife are saying goodbye, but the kids are taking up the conversation about Jesus and running with it. Yeah. That's realistic.

Lita: As realistic as the notion that one of them has never even heard Jesus's name, but still uses it in vain regularly.

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Lita: I guess we're at a skate park. What the hell is Bob doing at a skate park? And why is he so surprised to find bad language there?

wurwolf: He's one of those annoying people who, when they're out in public, insist that everyone around them conform to their standards.

Lita: Check the Statue of Liberty working on her moves down in the corner there.

wurwolf: I think the Statue of Liberty is just dancing. I don't think she's skateboarding.

Lita: I enjoy the accurate portrayal of skaters here. Looks like half of them are falling off their boards at any given time. That pretty much matches what I've observed when I see skaters around.

wurwolf: I like the one flying through the air. Did he just jump from an airplane?

Lita: I think he's the one Fang was barking at in the other panel. He's getting some serious hangtime!

wurwolf: Dude!

Lita: I'm vaguely surprised Bob isn't flipping out over that kid calling the Baby Jesus a little dude.

wurwolf: It's just the kind of thing that would send Bob off on a tangent.

Lita: I'm torn about these kids having nothing better to do than listen to Bob witness. On the one hand, they probably don't. On the other hand, they'd probably still find something more interesting than talking to Bob. On the other hand, teens have a high tolerance for listening to people spew religion at them. On the other hand, these are usually teens who are kind of religious already anyway.

Lita: I'm assuming you're lending me a couple of hands here.

wurwolf: Do all kids talk like gangsters from the Prohibition era?

Lita: I think if they were going to accept his request to talk to them about Jesus, they'd be more likely to lean back in their seat, kind of half shrug, and say, "Whatever." They might add a "dude" to the end for effect.

wurwolf: I have to agree with you. Teens of this caliber would have no interest in someone who is clearly as square as Bob telling them about Jesus. If they didn't have anything better to do, they'd sit there until he was done and then wander off.

Lita: There's a chance they'd put up with it if they really didn't have anything else to do with their time, but they wouldn't act interested. And these kids are at a skate park. They have skateboards and everything. OF COURSE they have more interesting things to do!

wurwolf: Hell, there's a kid flying through the air over there! That's a billion times more interesting than Bob and his story about Jesus!

Lita: The writers should have had Bob hiring them to rake his leaves or something. Then again, we know that Bob likes to rake his own leaves.

wurwolf: They just wanted to make Bob look like he hangs out with the hip crowd.

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wurwolf: "What I am about to tell you will blow you away." Bob better be careful. That sounds like drug talk to me.

wurwolf: God looks like one of those cool fiber optic lamps they sell in Spencer's Gifts.

Lita: He looks like a birds-eye-view of Sailor Moon's head.

wurwolf: Or maybe a chrysanthemum.

Lita: Or a water molecule.

wurwolf: Or the inside of a feather duster.

Lita: These kids have undoubtedly been taught about the big bang and evolution their whole lives, yet they accept the 6 days thing without question.

Lita: Then again, they probably weren't paying tons of attention in school.

Lita: "God the son is really awesome. He's totally tubular and radical, dudes. He's the bomb."

wurwolf: These kids are really dumb. Can they not see where Bob is going with all of this?

Lita: How do they not know Jesus' name? Bob started this whole conversation because of their alleged incorrect usage of His name.

Lita: They don't even get names. They're just The Mountie and The Mountie's Friend.

wurwolf: Come on, you know as well as I do that their names are Timmy and Tommy.

Lita: Which one's Tommy? Aw, never mind. It's not like it matters.

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Lita: They're so mortified that they accidentally might have said "Jesus Christ."

wurwolf: If the author had any balls he would have had them say @!!!**! instead of OOPS!

wurwolf: I don't blame Jesus for hating it when people mess with His name. I know I get annoyed when I hear about famous people with my name.

Lita: It bugs me when people misspell my name. Or if they have the same name as me, but it's spelled differently.

Lita: The Mountie has gone from 45 to 12, all the sudden.

wurwolf: Mountie looks like he got caught playing dress-up in his mommy's clothes.

Lita: Bob will talk to him about that later.

wurwolf: We'll be addressing that in Bible Series #316, entitled "Your Granny's a Tranny".

Lita: Maybe if he has time he'll be able to shoehorn in a warning that it's not nice to plant guns on elderly idiots, but he is a busy man.

wurwolf: Mountie had his chance to receive that warning in Framed.

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Lita: "What's the Old Testament?" Ha ha! Kids are morons!

Lita: Hey, look! Badcat is playing on the slide! How fun!

wurwolf: Wheee! Good times, Badcat!

Lita: And the bird gets to ride a triceratops! Just like in our Noah's Ark tract!

wurwolf: Wow, a blast from the past!

Lita: The skate part is completely deserted. All the other skaters saw Bob and, wisely, fled.

wurwolf: It's telling that the only two to stick around are far below average intelligence.

wurwolf: Mountie suddenly looks like he was drawn by Mary Englebreit.

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Lita: Apparently even before Jesus... There were Raider fans.

wurwolf: It's like an amalgamation of all of the evil-doers from previous tracts.

wurwolf: I had no idea the evil-doers of Noah's time were death metal rockers.

wurwolf: Oh, and Mr. T.

Lita: And God drowns Godzilla. He was angry that Godzilla was taking His name in vain.

wurwolf: God wasn't just angry, Lita. He was boiling mad!

wurwolf: Between flying and being a turtle, Gamera totally sailed through the flood.

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wurwolf: Badcat's peering around the wall, as if he's wondering if they're still listening to Bob yammer on.

Lita: God created Adam and Eve! Not Adam and STEVE!!!! Oh, wurwolf! That Bob! He's such a card! My side! My side!

wurwolf: Wow, did Bob just make that up?! He's so quick on his feet!

Lita: Sorry, all you Steves out there. It would appear that God did not create you. I don't know where you bastards came from.

wurwolf: That's why everyone's named Timmy and Tommy in these tracts. No Steves here.

Lita: I'm looking up the list of verses Bob just cited.

Lita: Jude 7 tells us not to go after strange flesh like they did in Sodom and Gomorrah. That could be a reference to homosexuality. But let us remember that Sodom and Gomorrah was full of rapists, too.

Lita: Let us skip Leviticus. I don't doubt that the verses are anti-homosexuality, but anybody who cares to look at it will know that it's FULL of rules that nobody pays attention to anymore, including hardcore Christians.

Lita: Deuteronomy 23:17 does forbid sodomites in the original King James. The New American Standard says "cult prostitute." I should also note that this one verse is out of context. The entire passage is just telling us who is excluded from the assembly of the Lord. Among those excluded: eunuchs, illegitimate children, Ammonites and Moabites, and men suffering from nocturnal emissions. This chapter also includes instructions on how to poop in a hole outside of camp instead of just spreading your crap around where people have to smell it in camp.

Lita: Romans 1:27 I'll give him.

Lita: 1 Corinthians 6:8-10 I'll give him too, though I should point out that homosexuality appears as part of a list of sins. You'd be hard pressed to find anybody who has never committed any of the acts on the list, which includes covetousness and drunkenness.

Lita: Colossians 3:5,6 refers to not setting too much focus on sexual immorality in general. It doesn't focus on homosexuality in particular.

Lita: 1 Timothy, weirdly, doesn't mention homosexuality (at least not in a way that I could identify it) in the King James, but does in the New American Standard. But that, too, comes as part of a list of evil deeds where most people have committed something on the list. Maybe not killing your parents so much (unless you're a Menendez), but who has never lied or rebelled or sinned or done something "contrary to sound teaching"?

Lita: In short, yes there are a couple of verses in the bible that say homosexuality is a sin. But not to the point where it seems rational for people to go on the huge anti-gay crusades we see going on. The bible doesn't focus on homosexuality near as much as it focuses on other more terrible sins like, say, making life difficult for other people just because you think they're sinners.

wurwolf: Whoa.

wurwolf: No wonder you took so long.

Lita: Lots of verses.

wurwolf: Hm. Good point, though. Why not just go on an anti-liar crusade? Or an anti-adultery crusade?

Lita: Let's start refusing to hire people because they're Moabites or on their periods.

wurwolf: That also leaves out every teenage boy who's had a wet dream

Lita: Sorry, boys!

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wurwolf: And here we have a shot of Steve with a meteor blasting through his chest.

Lita: Poor Steve even has a gay little goatee.

wurwolf: Man, I know Chick tracts loves the gore, but this just seems so wrong: "Jesus sent fire bombs from heaven and fried their bodies." It's almost like they can barely contain their glee.

Lita: How does Bob know what gay sex smells like?

wurwolf: Evidently Bob has spent some time in gay clubs.

wurwolf: For crying out loud: "Then our teachers were lying to us, right? " "Oh yes..." Is Bob not going to take responsibility for his actions? He should be locked up. If my kids were being witnessed to in this manner by some middle-aged dude in the park? I'd be calling the cops.

Lita: Teachers are in big trouble with God for wanting kids to put a lid on the gay bashing. You know who I think is in big trouble with God? I think some day there are going to be quite a lot of Christians who are going to have to answer to God and explain why they felt like it would be a good idea to push 1 in every 10 men away from Jesus. To spit on them and say, "God doesn't want your kind."

wurwolf: I agree. And those kind of Christians should not only be accountable for their treatment of those individuals, but to every impressionable person around them who, because of their actions, believes that this is how you should treat other people.

Lita: "Your sins are worse than my sins, and Jesus hates you." You know why teachers teach kids that being gay is ok? Because we're tired of kids making other kids' lives a living hell because that kid is (or is suspected of being) gay.

Lita: It's not a good thing when gays are abused, tortured, and murdered by so-called Christians in Jesus's name. THAT is taking the Lord's name in vain. And those crimes actually happen, unlike that bullshit homo-on-Christian beating that was portrayed in Sin City.

wurwolf: Amen.

wurwolf: Now Bob's going to give us the Ten Commandments so the youth of today will understand it. He's so street!

Lita: He's also so boring!

Lita skips ahead a little

wurwolf: Same here.

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Lita: Wow. I don't want strange men who hang around the skate park asking my kids if they know what a virgin is.

wurwolf: I really don't either. This is really skeeving me out.

wurwolf: Ew. Really. I'm feeling like I'm about to puke when I read Bob's definition of a virgin.

wurwolf: I mean, look at his face.... and look at his words.... Excuse me.

wurwolf: **BLURGH!**

wurwolf: Oh god.... I have to move on....

Lita skips ahead some more

wurwolf: As does wurwolf.

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wurwolf: I like the Star of Bethlehem here. It looks like they left the grail beacon on.

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wurwolf: Jesus was a really tall two-year old.

wurwolf: The wise men did not worship Mary! Catholics, take note!

Lita: Bob: Remember, kids, Catholics suxxors!

wurwolf: Because Bob's street like that.

wurwolf: I don't like how the Christmas story is getting the short end of the stick in this tract so they can get in more digs at homosexuals and Catholics. And evolutionists.

Lita: Bashing people who are different than you: That's the true meaning of Christmas!

wurwolf: Even in silhouette, they show Jesus' blood dripping off the cross.

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Lita: Mountie still has that mouse in his pocket!

wurwolf: I'm having a really hard time figuring this picture out. It's like they pulled the camera in too close.

Lita: They zoomed the camera in between the two boys so we can get a good shot of... empty space?

wurwolf: Exactly. It doesn't make any sense.

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Lita: I guess we should be thankful that we don't have to look at the lumpy butts of these children.

Lita: Aww! I want a mouse to hug me!

wurwolf: Mouse hearts Mountie!

Lita: Actually, I guess technically that thing is a rat. It's big and has a long tail. I still want a hug, though.

wurwolf: Now that Mountie has accepted Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior, he looks like a woman.

Lita: Don't be silly. One of those verses Bob gave us back there said it was a sin to be effeminate.

wurwolf: Then Bob might want to warn him about the perils of wearing lipstick.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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Monday, November 20, 2006

The Missing Day

In honor of Thanksgiving, we invited our friend Rimmi over to help us read this week's special Thanksgiving tract. That's right, Bob's Bible Series is taking another break this week so we can talk all about The Missing Day. Have you noticed how nobody celebrates Thanksgiving anymore? How children don't even know what the word "Thanksgiving" means? How they never even heard of Pilgrims? Chick Tracts noticed that too, and now they're out to set us all straight. Enjoy this steaming turkey!

wurwolf: First, a big welcome to Rimmi, our guest riffer.

Rimmi: Yeah! I guess that means I have to be funny though.

Lita: If you aren't it'll be ok. You'll be just like real holiday guests who just show up and suck the joy out of everything good and wonderful about the festivities.

Rimmi: Okay! Thanks!

wurwolf: Chick tracts takes on the mafia!

Lita: "It'll be on time. I hope they will." She's talking about her monthlies. She's guilt tripping the husband about that mishap last night.

wurwolf: Ew. I don't like the idea of these two procreating. The hair issues alone are mind boggling.

Lita: Ok, obviously Lucy is really hoping the family will be there on time for Thanksgiving Dinner. As a member of the household that always has to host the big holiday dinners such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, I can tell you this is completely inaccurate. The longer it takes before the whole house is full of people, the better. In fact, we kind of hope they'll forget and not show up at all.

wurwolf: That is so true. I don't even mind if people just drive by and reconsider.

wurwolf: The poor little kid with hypoglycemia gets lumped in with all the other unsaved.

Rimmi: That's so sad! She sinned because she needs sugar.

Rimmi: Scratch that first riff. It sucked.

Lita: Consider it done.

Lita: None of these people even want to be there. I think this carnival of hell will be eerily similar to the holiday celebrations in my house.

wurwolf: Including the people who don't want to eat your cooking, Lita?

Lita: I don't eat much of the food myself. Mostly the turkey and the mashed potatoes a roll and whatever green vegetable is there.

wurwolf: Maybe if you have a Semi-Homemade Thanksgiving, you'll be off the hook for future Thanksgivings.

Lita: There's an idea...

Rimmi: I see football is also the work of Satan.

wurwolf: I'm perfectly willing to agree with you that football is the work of Satan, Rimmi.

Rimmi: Zanah is behind the men in football who smack each other in the butt.

wurwolf: You know, all of the people there are ridiculously horrific, but the guy in the middle with the devil tattoo is just off the charts. His face is completely misshapen. Hello, Rocky Dennis!

Rimmi: The sweaty guy in the bottom left hand corner is a sinner because he forgot to blow his nose.

Rimmi: I love the chick in the top right hand side who is thinking, "Hic"

Lita: She's thinking about her hiccups. She doesn't really have them.

Rimmi: Does she have eyes?

wurwolf: Nice to see Lil' Orphan Annie showed up for the party.

wurwolf: "I've got PCP and crack-- How much you got?"

Lita: I know exactly which of my cousins that would be.

Rimmi: I love how the people in the picture even look shocked by the guests.

Lita: But there is a stirring satire on the people who are in favor of the war of Iraq in that fat dude who wants Uncle Mort dead.

wurwolf: I've been trying to figure that out, Lita. I'm wondering what stereotype he's supposed to be representing.

Rimmi: The woman in the picture is all 'Oh my!' but in the next panel when Mortimer shows up she's smiling. These pictures are like paintings in Harry Potter books.... but that can't be right. This is a Chick tract!

wurwolf: A bowl of popcorn is so glad that Uncle Mortimer came!

Lita: A bowl of popcorn sounds really good right now.

Lita: Oh my! It has become so unpopular to use the overtly Christian name "Thanksgiving" that nobody even knows what it is anymore! They think it's really called "Turkey Day!"

wurwolf: They had to ban the reading of the Thanksgiving story in the Bible from some public places. Those bastards at the ACLU were all over it.

Rimmi: That chick next to Mortimer is angry and rightly so! His elbow is on her bow, choking her.

Lita: Fang wants some sushi!

Lita: And Willie and Nellie Oleson are happy to oblige him!

wurwolf: Fang really gets around. He's a member of every household in these tracts. I'll bet he's in and out of the dog shelter a lot.

Lita: That's what happens when dogs become fashion accessories in stead of family companions. They become disposable.

Rimmi: Nellie Oleson arrives to help feed Fang.

Lita: Rimmi's stealing my line!

Rimmi: Sorry.

wurwolf: Rimmi, quit it!

Lita whispers to wurwolf, "I hope Rimmi stays in a hotel next year"

wurwolf whispers back, "Really."

Rimmi whispers back a raspberry!

wurwolf: WTF?! Since when can't kids say "Thanksgiving" in school?! My goodness, Chick Tracts think that kids aren't allowed to say anything in school: Jesus, the Bible, Thanksgiving, queers....

Rimmi: Mortie has wobble lines around his head. This "No Thanksgiving" thing is giving him tremors.

wurwolf: Uncle Mort looks like an egg with out of style glasses.

Lita: If Nellie's never heard of Thanksgiving, then what does she think the whole family is over at Aunt Lucy's for?

Lita: I'm sorry, Chick Tracts, but your assertion that children today have never heard of Thanksgiving falls flat in the face of the evidence.

wurwolf: I can see them saying that we've forgotten to give thanks to God for all we have, but to say that children have never heard of Thanksgiving is completely unfounded.

Lita: And children do know the story of Thanksgiving, although many of them also have the added knowledge that lots of that story is a bunch of fluffy feel-good hokum.

Lita: @!!!**! makes its grand reappearance.

wurwolf: Lucy wore her best muumuu for dinner. Jeez, lady, way to dress up.

wurwolf: I like how Lucy is telling everyone to shut up. That kind of talk is usually reserved for the unsaved.

Rimmi: I love how the Puritans wanted to "reach the lost" so they sailed to America where they didn't really expect anyone to be.

wurwolf: Jeez, could they cram any more Dutch stereotypes in there? As someone of Dutch descent, I take offense.

wurwolf: Although, this being a Chick tract, I guess I should be glad they're not mentioning pot smorking, gay marriage and legalized prostitution.

Lita: I'm surprised that Mort isn't pushing the "they were being religiously oppressed at home" angle of the story.

Rimmi: They are just scaring some little Dutch girl by pointing at her.

Lita: Usually part of the story involves them coming to America for religious freedom.

wurwolf: Religious freedom, exactly. Nothing about reaching the lost.

wurwolf: I can't tell if the Puritans are urpy because of the rat-infested food or because they're seasick. Probably both.

Lita: Man. Women had it rough in the old days. If the husband was going to vomit it was the wife's responsibility to put her hand over his mouth to hold back the hurl.

Lita: Maybe she weighed her options and thought, "If he hurls on my hand I have to wash my hand, but if he hurls on the rat then the rat runs all over and I have to clean the whole boat."

wurwolf: Smart thinking.

Rimmi: I love the dude puking in his hat! Good times!

wurwolf: It's the party boat!

wurwolf: The guy in the back isn't nauseated, he just doesn't want to see any more.

wurwolf: "...but something watched them from behind the trees." So the Native Americans were things.

Lita: Oh. I thought maybe he meant The Devil

wurwolf: Maybe he means us. We're certainly watching from behind the trees here.

Lita: And The Devil totally eats Goodie Whipple's hat, so John Smith has to battle The Devil to the death and there's a huge fight and most of the Indians in North America are killed or relocated in the ensuing melee, but in the end John Smith wins and then they ate a turkey to celebrate.

wurwolf: Oh, so that's the real story of Thanksgiving! They withheld that from me in school!

Lita: If you'd read your bible more you might know that story.

wurwolf: I am ashamed.

Rimmi: Snakes, wolves and bears: OH MY!

wurwolf: "Where they landed were no houses, no restaurants." Too bad, if they'd have landed a couple of miles south they would have hit a town with a Burger King.

Lita: "God let them find corn that had been buried by the Indians." And it was ok, because it wasn't like the Indians planted that corn for a reason or anything.

wurwolf: Too bad if they did. Hide your women and don't accept any blankets -- the whities have arrived!

Lita: They were a bunch of godless savages, so they probably would have just squandered the corn anyway. I bet they only buried it as a ritual to one of their stupid gods. Jerkheads. Rejecting Jesus that way.

wurwolf: Totally serves them right.

Lita: Really, they were pretty much asking for their civilization and culture to be decimated in the name of God.

Rimmi: But the Indians were lost so it was okay. Seriously, they had no idea where they were.

Lita: Wow. Apparently Death was, literally, all around them.

Rimmi: What is the guy behind Death wearing?

Lita: A toga. The Pilgrims had a wild party last night.

Lita: I like how that vulture is sitting next to that little naked starving pilgrim dude, like, "I'll wait."

Rimmi: I wanna see Death point his finger into the sky and take down those birds.

wurwolf: Death is all, "Hey look, you guys, there's my house over there!"

Lita: "Those that could..."? As Bob has taught us, you are never to weak or ill or starving to get down on your knees and wave your lumpy butt in the air and pray.

wurwolf: Man, the Pilgrim dad looks totally soused. He really tied one on last night!

Lita: That kid has a black eye. Pilgrim Dad is a mean drunk.

Lita: Someone stepped out from behind the trees. They'd been hanging out back there all this time.

wurwolf: How did the Native Americans manage to survive the winter, just hanging out by the trees, waiting for the Pilgrims to pray to their god?

Lita: What else did they have to do? Tend their corn that the Pilgrims dug up?

Rimmi: Native Americans: We can't do anything unless they ask. It's the only way they will learn. It's called Tough Parenting.

Rimmi: Full circle! The Pilgrims are lost. God sends someone to reach them.

wurwolf: I see, so when the Pilgrims left to reach the lost, little did they know that they would be the lost! O, the IRONY!

Rimmi: Native American next to Squanto: You have a little something on your cheek there...

Lita: When I was a little kid and we'd learn about Thanksgiving in my public school like all American kids do every Thanksgiving at state-funded public schools we'd always laugh at Squanto's name. Because it was Squanto. And we were 6.

Lita: Indians: Thanks for inviting us for dinner, dudes. We didn't know what we were gonna do. We planted some corn, but something happened to it.

Lita: Pilgrims: God probably didn't let your corn grow because you're all savages. Let's eat!

wurwolf: Two of the Indians aren't praying. They're going to hell.

Lita: wurwolf, they're all going to hell. They worship nature and call the wind Mariah and whatnot.

wurwolf: Brad is really hanging on Uncle Mortimer. Back off, little dude. Ever hear of personal space?

Lita: I think that woman back there doesn't quite have the figure for such a tight dress.

Rimmi: The Nuke 'em dude looks like he's holding a Ball jam jar rather than a beer can since beer cans rarely have a screw on ridges on the top.

wurwolf: That's right, Mom, beer and apple pie will save you!

wurwolf: Gross, Uncle Mortimer needs a haircut.

Lita: When was Thanksgiving our most honored day?

Rimmi: Sometime in 1804 maybe?

Lita: That must be why I never thought it was that big a deal.

wurwolf: Er.... Chick Tracts. You keep misspelling judgment.

Rimmi: Those Harry Potteresque pictures in back of Uncle Mortie are still moving. Again, I thought Harry Potter was the devil so why are these tracts stealing these ideas?

wurwolf: The dude in the picture is give Uncle Mort the thumbs up.

Rimmi: But he shouldn't be doing that! The picture is possessed by a demon!!!!

Lita: I think they're both dudes in that picture.

Lita: Really, the ranting and raving that God will judge nations that don't thank Him enough is the beginning of the slippery slope to, "God sent that hurricane because of the gays!"

wurwolf: It's the way a lot of Christians believe.

Lita: Yes, I know. Unfortunately they're very vocal about that.

wurwolf: I think there's a gay uncle in the mix. Everyone's yelling at Uncle Mortimer for preaching the gospel and this one uncle says "Kiss me!"

wurwolf: He's also wearing earrings at the dinner table. Yep, he's gay alright.

Rimmi: I think the gay uncle is the one from the top of the tract that was sweating and hadn't blown his nose.

Lita: That's his partner sitting next to him complaining that Mort calls him wicked. Apparently Mort has blamed hurricanes and terrorist attacks on him.

wurwolf: Everyone's giving off beams of light.

Lita: Oh, how delightful! Nuke 'em Uncle is too angry to eat, yet he is eating even as he makes the observation! Oh, my side is hurting!

Lita: I kind of wonder why the relative at the bottom of the frame hates the name Jesus. We're meant to believe it is because he or she is so lost that the very name strikes fear or disgust in his or her heart. More likely, though, that this is not the first time Mort started sermonizing at family gatherings and this relative is just sick of hearing about it.

wurwolf: I've gotta agree with the latter.

wurwolf: They all switched seats from the last panel. Uncle Mortimer didn't want to sit next to the sweaty uncle so he moved to the other side of the table.

Lita: The gay couple is missing. What happened to them?

Lita: Did they leave the party in disgust? Did God smite them right there at the table?

wurwolf: They're there, it's just that everyone at the table moved around.

Rimmi: The sweaty uncle is the gay one. His partner is next to Mortie.

Lita: Oh, I see. It makes sense that he's the one who hates Jesus' name, then. It is not uncommon for gay men to lose their faith in Christ because of Christians who do not hesitate to tell them how much Jesus hates them at every opportunity.

Rimmi: Looks like the sweaty, gay uncle is eating eggs sunny side up for Thanksgiving.

wurwolf: What's a Thanksgiving tract without a little gore?

Lita: Wow. That pharisee has some good aim. Right into the Savior's ear!

wurwolf: Jesus happened to walk right through a watermelon seed spitting contest.

Lita: I think that look on Christ's face is exactly the look I would make at the exact moment of impact when somebody is hocking a loogie down my ear canal.

wurwolf: Good job on the part of the artist.

wurwolf: The gay dude with the earrings is so outraged he stopped with his fork halfway up.

Lita: Well, really. Is "everybody in here is going to burn in Hell for eternity like the filthy sinners they are" really dinner talk? He should wait for dessert for that kind of thing.

wurwolf: I can't blame them for being angry. I had a relative that used to do that sort of thing and it really made the time spent with him a trial.

Lita: No, kid, you got it wrong. It's "What Would Jesus Do?" Fits the bracelet better that way.

wurwolf: The people at the table went from being outraged in one panel to hanging on Mort's every word in the next.

Lita: Jesus did something only God could do... Get crucified by a group of Spanish conquistadors.

wurwolf: Nice back-lighting, there. Looks like a Judas Priest show.

wurwolf: I missed the part in the Bible about Satan's crowd partying. I'll have to read it again.

Lita: It's only in the King James. That version has all the best parties.

Lita: Dude. The Mormons have knocked on our door, literally, twice in the last five minutes. Stalkers!!!

wurwolf: Jesus is standing amongst some freshly baked rolls.

Lita: Wow. There's an actual demon sitting next to Nellie Oleson for the lumpy butt scene.

wurwolf: Seriously? That's weird. And is that Lucy saying "How insulting?"

Lita: Yes. And she's just now figuring out that she shouldn't have invited Mort.

Rimmi: Hey! Mortie says the guests at the party are lost... Like the Pilgrims sought to reach lost people, then became lost and were reached by Native Americans! Full circle!

Lita: The devil has literally blinded people! By holding his hands over their eyes!

Rimmi: But he's invisible... right?

wurwolf: That kid has some really unfortunate hair. Why do they make every kid's hair horrible in these tracts?

Lita: Well, you know kids these days.

wurwolf: I like the demon pushing the two gay men together. That demon is fostering love! Sweet!

Lita: Aww, that nice demon is giving those men a hug!

wurwolf: And he's got the heart bubbles!

wurwolf: That one demon in the front has arms growing out of his neck.

Lita: I have never heard of any self-respecting gay man calling his boyfriend "Snookums." That's something an old lady calls her yappy dog.

Rimmi: Where is Fang anyway?

wurwolf: Fang's under the table, sleeping off his sushi dinner.

Lita: Fang was smart enough to leave as soon as Mort showed up.

Rimmi: Fang must be so full of goldfish that he skipped Thanksgiving.

wurwolf: P-TCHOO! I love the guy shooting out of the hole, right into hell! Wheee!

Rimmi: Ha! Those three sinners in Hell that are in front of the sign are playing charades. I thought they said it wasn't fun down there.

wurwolf: Goodness. In hell, the demons give you titty twisters. Ouch!

wurwolf: "All parties cancelled.... but we still have the balloons!"

Lita: At least until they are all popped by stalactites and/or the heat.

Lita: My spellcheck is totally red-squiggly-lining "cancelled," by the way.

wurwolf: Naked charades and boob fondling in hell... and we're not supposed to want to go there?

Lita: There's even a fun slide.

Lita: "The only smart one in the whole bunch was the kid!"

wurwolf: Yeah, the only smart one was the kid with bad hair and personal space issues.

Lita: Uncle Mort who witnessed to him is like, "Buh?"

Rimmi: You mean Uncle Mortie wasn't smart? Gasp!

wurwolf: Well, I wouldn't go there, but evidently Chick tracts likes to leave their characters out to dry.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2005 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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