Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Party Girl

We had a few ideas for which non-series tract we wanted to cover first. Without Bob ruling us with his immovable iron fist of hate we were lost at sea, struggling to find a guiding light to help us know where to turn. Would we take on another tract about Catholics? How about one written just for black people? Maybe one about the evils of rock music? And then we remembered all those crazy bitches in Hollywood, getting arrested and flashing their cooters and going to rehab and snorting lines of coke off each others asses and we knew which tract we should do:

wurwolf: I can't tell if Party Girl is dancing with streamers and balloons on the cover or if that's a chalk outline of her body amidst streaks and splotches of blood.

Lita: It's one of those vampire parties where they put blood in the fire sprinklers.

wurwolf: Rockin'!

wurwolf: It occurs to me that having horns would be a convenient place to hang your washcloth when you're in the bathroom in the morning.

Lita: Heh. Rock and Roll is the Devil's music. Because Jesus hates a good tune.

wurwolf: What I wouldn't give to get a peek at the roster of the "hottest groups". You just know Bon Jovi's on there.

Lita: I read on some Christian website that a bunch of scientists played rock music for some cows and the cows stopped giving milk.

Lita: The cows listening to classical music were fine, but the ones listening to rock all quit giving milk and, I don't know, commited suicide or something. It was supposed to be evidence that rock music is Of the Devil.

wurwolf: Sure, because the cows aren't interested in lactating when they could be rockin' to the sweet sounds of Pantera!

Lita: I have to admit that I have never lactated while listening to rock music.

wurwolf: And I know when I was lactating I mostly listened to Frank Sinatra. So there you go. Irrefutable proof that some Christian website is 100% correct.

Lita: Actually, if I were listening to rock music and I did suddenly start lactating, it might occur to me that something occult may be happening. Or that I should see my doctor. One of the two.

wurwolf: A doctor for each boob?

wurwolf: Low-grade condoms? So people can multiply and be fruitful? Sounds like Satan's stealing God's lines again.

Lita: He just didn't want to fork over for the good ones. Satan's minions are just gonna be handing out some Saran Wrap and rubber bands.

wurwolf: He could have just expensed it. I mean, if you're going to go through the trouble of putting together a festival with the hottest bands in the world, all in the name of world domination, what's another couple of bucks?

wurwolf: It's not like Hell's coffers are empty, what with all the rich people that wound up there.

Lita: Really, I think if he wants to promote consequence-free fornication he should pay up for the best condoms he can get, but what do I know? I'm not Satan.

Lita: I know it's not like Satan to be all short-term thinking by messing up people's bodies with STDs and not their souls by allowing them to get their mack on without worry. He's got a plan.

wurwolf: I'm sure this whole thing is well thought-out.

Lita: Aww. Satan doesn't want to lose a single one of his guests. It's good to see that he cares about their safety. He's going to make sure there is adequate lighting and hand rails on the steps and emergency exits are clearly marked and that there is no underage drinking and that there are plenty of designated drivers.

wurwolf: Next Satan will be promoting abstinence and prayer.

wurwolf: 3,000 miles away? From Hell?

wurwolf: Is Chick Publications saying they know the exact location of Hell, and this woman's house is 3,000 miles away from it?

Lita: She looks a little bit... I don't know. But I don't think if she called me up about some vision that God gave her that I'd be all that shocked. She seems like the type to hear voices at 4 in the morning.

wurwolf: I think Rita Jones needs to be praying for her little withered arm. Sick!

Lita: So is that Rita in both pics? Because it's nice to see that she felt it was ok to sit a few hours on God's important message.

Lita: God woke her up at 4 in the morning to tell her to warn somebody about imminent danger. But that's ok, Rita. You make sure your hair is all nice before you get on the phone. And obviously you can't make these kinds of phonecalls on an empty stomach. And get some makeup on too. It's only sort-of URGENT!

wurwolf: Unless maybe Rita's in California and her granddaughter is in New York? Or maybe she didn't really feel it was all that urgent until she got on the phone.

wurwolf: I can imagine God sitting there, tapping His foot and looking at His watch in frustration.

Lita: Then why is the time stamp over her head? That makes it look like it's that time at her place. If it's that late where Jill is, they should have had the guy on the phone like, "Lady, it's 7 AM here!"

wurwolf: I don't know, Lita. You're trying to make sense of a Chick tract.

wurwolf: Sometimes you need to let go and let God.

Lita: I think God needs to toss a few lightning bolts at Rita's procrastinating ass.

wurwolf: Hee! Bad Cat is giving Satan's minion the business!

Lita: Bad Cat better be careful! He's about to get reported!

wurwolf: The minion looks like Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, if he had his eyes gouged out.

Lita: @!!!**! makes its grand reappearance.

Lita: Satan just totally called Rita an old butt.

wurwolf: BURN!

wurwolf: Literally. Because he's in Hell and it's hot and... heh...

wurwolf: I love that the demons in Hell know believers by name, like they're celebrities or something. How vain of fundamentalists to believe that.

Lita: By the way;

wurwolf: Nice to see Satan making a biblical reference to Paul and the thorn in his side.

wurwolf: Wait.... how come she's only been a thorn in his side for 20 years? She's really old.

Lita: She probably had some wild times in her youth.

wurwolf: And now she doesn't want anyone else to have fun, especially her granddaughter.

Lita: Oh yeah. She looks like she was a slutty lttle Hellcat 20 years ago.

wurwolf: A crowd of people partying! Countdown to offensive stereotypes of gay men in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Lita: What the hell is that thing on Gilda Radner's head?

wurwolf: I don't know, but it looks like something she made out of spaghetti and macaroni in art class. Also, I can see Gilda Radner, but I was really picking up Karen Carpenter there.

Lita: How about the guy in that other frame? He's going to party at Hotel Orleans despite his massive head trauma.

Lita: Satan. Master of disguise.

wurwolf: He is indeed. It's brilliant! I'm going out next Halloween as myself.

Lita: Very subtle how they dressed him kind of like a Catholic priest.

wurwolf: I may even go to the trouble of printing out a picture of me and wearing it as a mask.

Lita: That would be awesome.

wurwolf: So with that mask Satan has four horns? He's turning into an elk. What a rack!

Lita: Nice how Satan has to attend a party personally for just one soul.

Lita: He doesn't have any lackys to take care of that.

wurwolf: Satan's plan for world domination is off to a really slow start. You're right, he needs to learn how to delegate.

Lita: Oh, wait. I forgot he's personally interested in this chick because he doesn't like her grandma.

wurwolf: Satan's got all the classic symptoms of poor management style. He needs to attend some seminars. My boss is always getting stuff in the mail, I'd be happy to forward Satan some brochures.

wurwolf: On the plus side, he makes one mean apple-tini.

Lita: Ok, so what ignorant parent is letting their 7-year-old wander around unattended at what appears to be Mardi Gras?

wurwolf: He's not unattended. He's got Queen Victoria looking after him.

Lita: Hey! I finally figured out why Satan went for the low-grade condoms!

wurwolf: Oh yeah? Why?

Lita: If this is Mardi Gras, then that means there's probably a lot of poor black folk in attendance. Satan is hoping they all have a bunch of kids they can't afford, thus increasing poverty, crime, and negative stereotypes and keeping the black man down!

Lita: Satan is a brilliant strategist.

wurwolf: Clearly.

wurwolf: "To long life!" Oh, how deliciously ironic.

Lita: Wow!!! Grandma just totally pursewhipped Ron Jeremy!!

wurwolf: I think Gilda's hat is making her cross-eyed.

Lita: I think the booze is making Gilda cross-eyed. But I'm more interested in the purse whipping.

wurwolf: Well really. I don't know anyone's grandmother who wouldn't pursewhip Ron Jeremy given the opportunity.

Lita: What's grandma doing here? Smacking greasy porn stars with her purse. What are YOU doing there, Gilda?

wurwolf: You know what, I'm going to stand by my assertion that they're basing Jill on Karen Carpenter. Look at her tiny waist! What is she, a wasp?

wurwolf: Someone graffitied "GASP" on the wall.

Lita: Wow. I thought Ron Jeremy was wearing a cool set of rockstar shades, but it turns out it's just a dumb little robber mask.

wurwolf: It's probably all he could fit on his giant head.

Lita: "Call an ambulance!" "Too late... he's dead." "Ok, leave him there, then!"

wurwolf: Come on, they're at Mardi Gras. There are going to be bodies all over the place before it's over. He'll be picked up eventually.

Lita: I guess it is New Orleans...

wurwolf: I hope the tract readers appreciate the irony of Jill calling her grandmother crazy while wearing a macaroni hat.

wurwolf: Evidently Jill's friend belonged to the Stupid Hat brigade as well.

Lita: Jill's phone got tiny. She looks like she's lifting a barbell.

wurwolf: "Jill, you have an unseen enemy. His name is Satan." Is Grandma trying to get Jill to put her in a home?

Lita: She's changed back into her T-Shirt and Mom Jeans, but is still carrying that hat around.

wurwolf: She's got to maintain her party girl status.

Lita: Something about Grandma's assertion that Satan is using immoral sex on Jill just tickles me.

wurwolf: It is kind of a kick in the pants that your grandmother would know that you're engaging in immoral sex.

Lita: Repent, Jill! Put your hair in a bun, button your dress up to your chin, and sit around on the couch in the dark and nag your grandkids all day!

wurwolf: Don't forget to point and keep your knees apart!

Lita: Jill, I know you're bored as hell, but it's rude to yawn while your grandma is talking to you.

wurwolf: Or burp.

wurwolf: I'm wondering why we're getting a shot of the crowd while Grandma gives Jill the gospel.

Lita: That is frankly a disappoining picture of that crowd of sinners. They're just walking around happy. That's nothing to get your sup-hose in a twist for!

wurwolf: They must be sinning somehow.

wurwolf: You know, I'm just going on the assumption that this woman we've been referring to as "Grandma" is the same person in every panel. Because in every damn panel she looks completely different.

wurwolf: Jesus, to Satan: Does this bug you? I'm not touching you.

Lita: This is a pretty stock salvation. Let's skip down a bit...

wurwolf: Dirtiest panel ever: "Then you will receive God's love gift." "I want to do it right now, Grandma."

wurwolf: Grandma: There is only ONE way to get your sins forgiven. You stick your lumpy butt in the air! But not in an immoral sexual kind of way.

Lita: Poor Satan. He's so flustered that his poisoning ploy didn't work out that now he's just grasping at straws.

wurwolf: He's just shouting stuff out.

Lita: I think deep down he realizes that if he hadn't gotten all ahead of himself and tried to poison Jill she'd never have believed a word Grandma had to say about Jesus.

wurwolf: He really tipped his hand there, didn't he?

Lita: Look at his poor face. He's trying so hard not to cry!

wurwolf: So the person who is reading this tract is supposed to ignore the dude who's telling them to party hardy and listen to the woman in prairie garb. Right....

Lita: She sounds like she's selling crooked life insurance for old people on the TV. The tiny print disclaimer at the bottom doesn't help at all.

wurwolf: I think Chick Publications failed in delivering their intended message if we feel sorry for Satan at the end of the tract.

Lita: You kind of want to put an arm around him and say, "Buck up, Big Guy! You'll get the next one!"

Mad props to our own favorite party girl, Rimmi, for helping out! Thanks, Rimmi! We'll be over to snort coke off your ass later!

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2003 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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