Monday, July 31, 2006

It's the Law

Time for some good ol' fashioned hating on teachers with our take on Chick Publication's tract about the 10 Commandments in It's the Law.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: Oh good! Looks like we get to bag on teachers this time around! You know how I love these.

wurwolf: This one's totally about the teacher-bashing.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: And already in the first two panels we've leaped with both feet far outside the realm of anything that would happen in real life.

Lita: If this teacher tried to pull this there would be parental phone calls. She'd be reprimanded so hard.

wurwolf: Okay, you're a teacher. Suppose some kid turned in something that mentioned part of another religion, like Islam or Buddhism or even something wacky like Scientology. Would you give them an F and specifically tell them it was because they wrote about the 10 Commandments?

Lita: In college you can flunk kids just because you disagree with their papers. This looks like, what? 5th grade? You have to be more reasonable than that.

wurwolf: I mean, even if you wanted to give them an F because you totally disagree with the content, would you tell them that you were giving them an F for that reason? It's crazy.

Lita: You can't flunk a kid just because he belongs to a religion you don't endorse. Now, if the assignment were to write a report about our solar system and he turned in his essay on The Ten Commandments, then she would have something to gripe about.

Lita: Also, "it's all a lie"? What? The 10 Commandments? Is she saying they don't exist?

Lita: Bolded, underlined, and italicized. A trifecta.

wurwolf: If they could make the text blink, I'm sure they would.

wurwolf: The little blonde girl is totally laughing at Timmy getting busted.

I would. I'd be like, "He totally just admitted he just watched the movie."

There are pictures of dinosaurs on the wall. So you know that EVOLUTION is taught in this den of lies.

wurwolf: I'll bet when the teacher gets saved at the end of the tract she goes straight to her classroom and rips all of those evil dinosaur pictures off the wall.

wurwolf: The only way they could make that teacher more evil-looking is by giving her horns. They should have just gone ahead and planted them right on her head.

Lita: And if he were my kid, you bet she'd be talking to his parents tonight. She'd be talking to his parents as soon as they could get on the phone. The principal would be talking to his parents too. So would the school board.

wurwolf: The people who write for Chick Tracts really don't understand the legal system and how to make it work for you.

Lita: I haven't read ahead at all. But she's going to talk to this kid's parents tonight. Is this kid the Son of Bob?

wurwolf: I don't think so.... this kid's last name is Johnson. Bob's last name is Williams.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Oh yeah.... Tim is Bob's nephew. He's setting loose UNCLE BOB on his teacher.

wurwolf: I'll bet every little kid wishes they had an Uncle Bob who would go do battle for them against their teachers.

wurwolf can't believe Timmy wasn't homeschooled, with the conservative family he has.

Lita: She will not tolerate intolerant people. Yet she is the one who is intolerant. GET IT???

Lita: How was the kid intolerant, though? I want to read his paper now. I wonder if he damned his teacher to hell in it.

Lita: "Of the 10 Commandments, my teacher has broken 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. She shall not see the gates of heaven but will instead burn in the unending fire that does not quench and there will be gnashing of teeth and clawing of flesh. Serves her right, the Lebanese whore."

Lita: Timmy meant to call his teacher a Lesbian whore, but sadly, he's failing spelling, too.

wurwolf: Is she a little person? Her arm barely looks long enough to reach the doorbell.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Okay, the kid's name is Timmy and his mom is in the hospital? Can we make him any more pathetic? Why not just call him Tiny Tim and give him a crutch already?

wurwolf: She's disappointed that she's got to talk to Bob. Oh lady.... so many people feel your pain.

Lita: "Timmy's got a problem. He's pushing his religion in our school." For one thing, no he wasn't. He turned in a private essay that was only read by you. No reason the other kids could see it. And teachers get witnessed to all the time. They should be used to it.

wurwolf: Oh, he's got a problem alright. What kid serves tea and cookies to visitors? He's his own grandma.

Lita: Second, so what? The separation of church and state is to keep the public schools from pushing a particular religion. That's why they're not allowed to put the 10 commandments on the walls. It doesn't stop a kid from practicing his own religion in the school or from taking it upon himself to tell others about it.

wurwolf: Kids have Bible studies and prayer groups at public schools, for crying out loud.

Lita: And you better believe that religious kids in public schools today know their rights.

Lita: Every year there's a "Meet me at the flagpole" event at public schools all over America. They gather at the flag before school and pray for the nation.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Bob's revving up his snake stare.

Lita: I can see why a history teacher might think that the 10 commandments weren't sent by God or that the miracles in the stories didn't happen that way. But do any of them really think there was never a guy named Moses? That the 10 Commandments never existed?

wurwolf: Kids even learn about mythology in school, so even if the teacher thought that the Bible was nothing more than a collection of fairy tales, why would it be so out of the question for kids to learn about them on that level?

Lita: She really is in trouble.

Lita: But don't worry. Bob will tell her a story and she'll believe every word. Because... uh... Bob's the one who said it this time.

wurwolf: For the first time in reading these tracts, Bob's opponent finally had the right response to him: "Who cares? I'm here to talk about Timmy." YES. Because that's the point, BOB. It's not all about you.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: I love that the Bible says KJV on the cover. Wouldn't want anyone thinking it was the New American Standard Version or something from the devil!

Lita: The artist doesn't want us to think he could be NIV positive.

Lita: That look that teacher is making when Bob starts his story? I made that look at least once every day of my student teaching.

wurwolf: So the teacher won't stand for proselytizing in the classroom, but she'll sit there and take it from Bob when she's there to talk about Timmy?

wurwolf: She should just leave.

Lita: She's not there to talk to Bob anyway. She's there to talk to the parents.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: The artist didn't draw that baby. He found a clipart of the Baby Jesus and cut out the Madonna.

Lita: But finally we have a nice picture of a nice woman. She's not all mean and scheming.

wurwolf: I know, and she's Egyptian, too! Is the artist going soft on us?

wurwolf: Adult Moses, what are you doing with your arms? That can't be comfortable. It looks really unnatural.

Lita: I actually tried that just now. It's really uncomfortable. And tiring.

Lita: Give it a shot and see if you feel like doing it for longer than 5 seconds.

Lita: (heh heh heh....)

wurwolf: Not only are my arms tired now, but I looked like a moron for five seconds.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: Moses killed The Master.

wurwolf: I was trying to figure out who he looked like.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf is also trying to figure out the buildings in Egypt.

wurwolf: They look like modern houses from the 60s.

wurwolf: They just drew the Brady Bunch house and threw a Sphinx in the front to make you think you're looking at ancient Egypt.

Lita: A tiny lil baby Sphinx

wurwolf: It's a lawn ornament Sphinx.

Lita: There's a Romulan in the back of that crowd there.

wurwolf: They're all really happy and having a good time.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: Some history teacher. She didn't know that the Egyptians were very religious or that they had a lot of gods?

wurwolf: She needs to start stocking "Reading Egyptian Art" and "The Two Babylons" in her classroom.

Lita: And the rest of this story shouldn't be brand new to her. Didn't Timmy's essay cover it? It must have been a very poorly written essay, indeed.

wurwolf: He just wrote out the 10 Commandments on a piece of paper and turned it in. No wonder he got an F -- she had every right to flunk him.

Lita: He probably didn't cite a single source.

Lita: That's what the research paper assignments are all about, really. Teaching your kid to cite his sources.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: "Hathor had the head of a cow, so God wiped out all the cattle." My God thinks your god is ugly!!

wurwolf: "God shot down Horus, the sun god." Did this take place in the old west?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Man, those poor Israelites. It is such a total drag to move.

Lita: I cannot make out a single thing in the picture where the slaves are departing.

Lita: Sometimes you can go overboard with the shading.

wurwolf: I know, same here. I see a camel and a couple of faces, and that's about it.

wurwolf: Phaayraoj's army had no idea what was about to happen? How could they not? They're on a pathway with huge walls of water being held up supernaturally on either side.

wurwolf: Were they really surprised when the water started caving in?

Lita: If you go on the tour/tram thing at Universal Studios at one point they drive you through a lake and a pathway drains out so the tram can get through.

Lita: The driver is like, "This is how they did the Red Sea dividing in The 10 Commandments!" Totally a lie. And then he's like, "Get out your cameras and take a picture at the level of water!" LAME.

wurwolf: Are you being serious?

Lita: I'm serious. I took the tour.

wurwolf: I had no idea they had a tour based on a Bible story.

Lita: The tour was based on movies Universal had made, and one of those movies was 10 Commandments.

Lita: We also saw that earthquake thing and Whoville and Jaws.

wurwolf: Bob's been on the 10 Commandments ride fifty billion times.

Lita: When the tram goes through the pond he stands up and lectures everybody there about how the tourguide is "brainwashed" and the REAL story of the 10 Commandments.

Lita: He's done it so many times that now they have Bob's picture up at the turnstile. He's not allowed to take the studio tour anymore.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: It looks like Bob has been beating up on the teacher. The poor thing!

wurwolf: Is God also whacking Moses around with the stone tablets?

Lita: God didn't appreciate Moses's tone.

wurwolf: God wouldn't have put that commandment in there about coveting your neighbor's ass but Moses was just getting on His last nerve.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: "Have you ever told a lie?" "Of course-- who hasn't?" "So what does that make you?" "Gulp...a liar."


wurwolf: But not Bob. He's without sin.

Lita: I don't think she'd have copped to being a liar so soon. You'd be surprised how many people don't think that telling one lie makes them liars.

wurwolf: She didn't throw down the "But it was just a white lie!" excuse.

Lita: I think Bob would have been safer to just point out that by lying that one time she has already broken a commandment. That's how most witnessing Christians tend to lean. But no. Bob has to have it all.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: She's standing in front of a really bright lightbulb when she admits to being a big huge paperclip thief.

wurwolf: Either that, or a blotch of white paint on the wall.

Lita: Bob's got her in his Sinner Interrogation Room. He's Bad Cop. Good Cop is being played by Jesus Christ Himself.

Lita: Look into Bob's cold dead eyes when he calls you a lying thief!

Lita: Let me tell you something, though. You're allowed to use your own paperclips in your own classroom. Budgets are tight, but they're not that bad. A lot of the time the teachers end up buying their own office supplies anyway.

wurwolf: I think the artist should just go all out and draw the spirals in Bob's eyes when he's doing his full-on snake stare.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: What's Timmy crying about in the next room? Did Bob belt him for his hamfisted attempt at serving tea and cookies?

wurwolf: He's sobbing, for Pete's sake. Bob is so abusive.

Lita: I can barely even pay attention to the teacher's stupid attempt to get into heaven through good works. I'm too distracted by the child abuse PSA happening right under her nose.

wurwolf: She no longer cares about poor Tiny Tim. It's all about her now.

Lita: You know, Bob, teachers are required by law to report child abuse. I know the Bible tells you not to spare the rod, but you probably shouldn't beat on the kid while the teacher is right there.

wurwolf: He can do anything he wants. She's hypnotized.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Bob's staring into that picture like the answer to life is hidden among the pine trees.

Lita: Ewww.... why would Jesus want to be born into a minority group?

wurwolf: Poor Jesus.

Lita: I wonder why Bob phrased it that way. He could have said "oppressed race" and it would have been more accurate and less... I don't know. Racially insensitive?

wurwolf: I notice that in the stock footage of the Crucifixion you only ever see one cross. The two thieves are nowhere to be found.

Lita: They're lying paperclip thieves and thus are not worthy of their own stock footage.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: I think the teacher is a shapeshifter. Her face is all over the place.

Lita: She is Clayface and her disguise is melting.

wurwolf: Here she is, down on the floor. You know, if someone were to PEEK in the window and see Timmy sobbing in the corner and the teacher down on the floor covering her head, Bob could be a in a lot of trouble.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Either someone's grabbing Timmy around the middle or his arm is at a really weird angle.

Lita: "Thank God I flunked Timmy!" No kidding. He's not quite the brightest bulb on the string, is he?

wurwolf: He was gonna be held back anyway.

Lita: "So are you going to change my grade now?" "No, you're still failing." And then everybody dissolves into mirthful end-of-sitcom laughter.

Lita: Ha ha!

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2001 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

Read more!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


More shoehorning of the Bible stories you know and love into modern-day situations when Chick Tracts takes on the story of Joseph in FRAMED.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: FRAM'D!

wurwolf has stolen from Torrk two tracts in a row.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: Ok. There's a lot going on in that first panel. But for some reason the thing I'm most hung up on is the Mountie with the lollipop saying "Hey mister, have a nice day."

wurwolf: That does tend to draw your attention. I'm stumped as to why that's included in this little tableau of the lower class of society. Or, if not the lower class, at least as an attempt to portray city life.

Lita: At first I thought this was an airport lobby, so that kind of behavior would be normal, but now I see from the sign in the back that they are at a courthouse.

wurwolf: Yup, if anyone can turn a day of jury duty into a life lesson, it's Chick Tracts.

Lita: When I got called for jury duty there were plenty of stupid people in the jury pool. Maybe a few whackadoos. Nobody that out-and-out insane, though.

wurwolf: The older gentleman last in line is wearing his baseball cap backwards. Is that something older gentlemen in the city do?

Lita: I don't know. But Johnnie Cochran at the front of the line disapproves.

Lita: I wonder if he's on his way in to help Malcolm with his case.

wurwolf: Let's hope so, although with a open and shut case like Malcolm's even the guy in the backwards baseball cap could handle being his lawyer.

Lita: Hell. The Mountie could handle that case.

wurwolf: Back to the mountie, it just seems so incongruous with what a security officer in a courthouse would say and look like.

Lita: He's got a peace sign on his arm and a skull on his belt.

wurwolf: The mountie? Oh. So I guess the mountie isn't a security officer but just some random jerk wandering around in a mountie hat?

Lita: I think so.

wurwolf: WTF? What on earth does the author think that the younger generation wears? I can't imagine my kids walking around in a mountie hat.

Lita: I don't know. The guy looks at least 30 to me. Just short. I think he's just a crazy person. He looks kind of like Quentin Tarantino to me.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: We already know who our protagonist will be by the gun being slipped into his pocket.

Lita: He is being menaced by pimple-faced youth. Damn kids.

Lita: Yet we have the "damn kids" message put across to us... in comic book form.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: It's hard to tell if the guy in the glasses and the trench coat is where he is because the alarm is going off or if he's stuck in the doorway.

Lita: That gun has a tiny barrel. What kind of bullets does it shoot? And I bet they would sting like hell, but would they actually hurt anybody?

Lita: I fully admit that I don't know much about guns, though. So maybe that's actually a pretty heavy piece of artillery.

wurwolf: It does look like it would just sting. Maybe it just shoots bebes.

Lita: Or pencil leads.

Lita: Or unbent paperclips.

wurwolf: Or spit balls, for all we know. Evidently the author knows more about guns than we do.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Somewhere, a little old lady is knocking up Bob.

wurwolf: Hey! That dog that Ronnie was doing the finger gun at in the last tract is in this one! Maybe it's based on the artist's real life dog.

Lita: That dog hates everybody!

Lita: Maybe he smells the stink of unsavedness on Mrs. Joey.

wurwolf: Why hasn't the dog catcher been by to pick it up?

wurwolf: "My baby, Joey"?!??! WTF? They're like the same age!

Lita: So does she mean it like he's her son, or like, "Hey, baby!"

wurwolf: Huh. That's a good question. It could really go either way.

wurwolf: I hate to say it, but she really looks like a guy in drag.

Lita: She does look a lot like him. Maybe she's his twin sister.

wurwolf: Or his twin brother.

Lita: Or maybe he broke out of jail disguised as a woman.

Lita: She's his sisterbrothermotherwife.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: This woman's face is really disturbing me. She's got too much happening on the bottom of her face.

Lita: "Joey's always helping them by turning in all the gang members in his neighborhood!"

wurwolf: That's the funniest line!

Lita: You know, not that I'm a big fan of gang activity or anything, but there is a such thing as courting trouble. I mean, asking for it much?

wurwolf: Doesn't Joey have a job?

wurwolf: Does he just go out, roaming the streets, looking for kids who most fit the gangsta profile?

Lita: "Let's see.... Bobby Smith, and Johnny Brown, and Mark Jones, and Jenny Thompson, and Bob Williams, and Ronnie Howard, and..."

wurwolf: He's the crazy old man in the neighborhood who, if you run across his lawn, turns you in as a gang member. "Hello, 911? I'd like to report Jeffy Johnson as a gang member." "But he's seven years old."

Lita: Sometimes he actually turns in a real gang member, and there his trouble begins.

wurwolf: Like when he goes to report for jury duty.

Lita: Even Bob gets that Joey's insane. He's like, "Oops..."

wurwolf: The "Joey really stepped in it this time" remains unspoken by Bob.

wurwolf: Joey and his sisterbrothermotherwife have matching glasses.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Apparently Bob just has all kinds of crazy money lying around so he can go bail people out at a moment's notice.

Lita: Look at Joey's shirt. I wonder what happened to him while he was in that cell.

wurwolf: I think the cover of the tract says it all.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: "The same thing happened to another guy named Joe!" Yeah. This is exactly like what happened to Joseph.

wurwolf: The real-life stories meant to reflect Bible stories in these tracts are usually pretty lame, but this one is the worst so far.

wurwolf: Joseph's brothers threw him into a pit and left him to die. Joey's mother went to Bob to help get him out of jail. The parallels are startling.

Lita: "Joseph was a big stinky snitch just like you, Joey!"

wurwolf: Is Bob saying that the gun is like Joseph's coat of many colors?

Lita: Joseph was betrayed and sold for 20 pieces of silver... just like Jesus. And Joey.

Lita: Or something.

wurwolf: Not so much Joey.

Lita: I think Jesus was sold out for more silver. Inflation and all.

wurwolf: Maybe 30 pieces? I can't remember.

Lita: 30 sounds right. I guess I *could* look it up.

Lita: It was 30

Lita: It was gonna drive me nuts if I didn't look it up.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: The next panel shows Joey and Bob leaving the courthouse. You don't see Joey's thought bubble, which says, "So my dad has 12 sons, and my brothers hate me.......? Wha?"

Lita: He does look a bit confused there.

Lita: I guess he loves all his neighborhood gang members just like brothers.

wurwolf: Sure, why not? Because he's always telling on them, just like Joseph did. Because this is the same story, after all.

Lita: They should have named this tract "TATTLETALES THROUGH HISTORY"

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: I never got why the artist shades in people in the background. Are they in the dark? What's wrong with leaving them unshaded?

wurwolf: Bob's seat in the car is so far forward it looks like he's sitting in the bathtub.

Lita: Did The Lord make a decree about car seat positioning that I missed?

wurwolf: How on earth does he get in his car?

Lita: If that airbag deploys it'll take Bob's head off.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Here we go, Lita! Let's fasten our seatbelts, because it's time for the "It's All the Woman's Fault" portion of the tract.

Lita: Oh boy!

Lita: First thing? Joseph is not all that handsome.

Lita: He looks kind of like Dinosaur Man.

wurwolf: Either that or David Naughton.

wurwolf: The evil wife with the long fingernails is PEEKing around the corner.

Lita: So did the gang members all try to get with Joey and rip his clothes off and that's why they framed him? Or did Joseph totally tell on Potiphar's wife and that's why she got pissed?

wurwolf: And was Joey being seduced by his employer's wife, so that's how he wound up in jail?

Lita: Bob said this is the same thing, and damn it all, I want to believe him!

Lita: Maybe his sisterbrothermotherwife is also his boss.

wurwolf: And she's trying to seduce him? Are they addressing incest in this tract?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Yes, because as we all know, when a woman says she's been raped, she's trying to frame the innocent.

wurwolf: Unless the innocent in question happens to be a minority, in which case he definitely did it.

Lita: Of course, we can't really blame Bob here. This is how the story goes. He's not extra woman-hating it up like he did with Sarah.

Lita: Look at Joey's face as he tells Bob to continue his story.

Lita: He just looks so beaten down. Like life can't get any worse. So he may as well let Bob keep talking.

wurwolf: What else has he got to do?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: The butler is giving Bob the narrator a dirty look, like, "Yeah, a big 'no-no'? I'm in jail here!"

Lita: The other is giving the more commonly recognized cross-eyed "Duuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh....."

wurwolf: Also known as the Tor Johnson.

Lita: I have no trouble believing that Tor didn't know what his dream meant.

wurwolf: Tor barely knew what waking life was all about, let alone his dreams.

wurwolf: Man, Joseph's brothers are a rough bunch.

wurwolf: The artist made the Sodom & Gomorrah guys look really tough, but everyone seems to be that way. Maybe that's just how everyone looked in those times?

Lita: It's not an easy life to live in the desert.

Lita: Poor Tor got hanged!

Lita: "Tor not understand Tor dream. Please tell Tor." "Ok, Tor. According to your dream, you will be put to death!" "Joseph ruin Tor's last days."

wurwolf: Poor Tor nothing. Look at poor Joey! Bob's got his back against a wall.

wurwolf: He's had a horrible couple of days. All he wants to do is sit on his couch and watch some tv. But no, Bob has to make him stand.

Lita: He's thinking, "That night in the jail cell... I'd hoped to get past it. But no! It's happening again!"

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The butler promised to tell Pharaoh about Joseph, but he forgot. Just like Sisterbrothermotherwife forgot to tell Bob about Joey.


wurwolf: Bob has him trapped in his hypnotic snake stare again.

wurwolf: Is the guy standing next to phaoahoraoh's bed with the staff asking for a tip?

Lita: "Dude. I totally carried all your luggage all the way up here."

wurwolf: He's even got the snooty "pay me" look on his face.

Lita: The poor Pharaoh looks all sickly and mangled.

wurwolf: It's like the artist is struggling not to make him look like Yul Brynner, since that's what everyone will expect the Phaoruaour to look like.

Lita: Look at the wording at the bottom there. How flip can you get? "Yeah, Joseph. I just brought you over here to tell me about my dreams about some cattle and some stalks corn being destroyed. No big."

Lita: Like it would have freaked him out so much if it were just some cattle and some corn.

wurwolf: "And then let me tell you about the dream where I was flying!"

Lita: And looking at my Bible I can see that there is a lot more to it than that. Those cows freaking ate each other.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Evidently the artist in these tracts is a big Celine Dion fan. When he gets tired of drawing men he makes them look like her.

Lita: Just think. The one who was framed and rotting in prison was lifted up in one hour to be a saviour in Egypt.

Lita: Joey: So... You're saying you want me to go to Egypt?

wurwolf: I know hands are hard to draw, but Pharahooaoa's hand is really freaking me out.

Lita: I think the Pharaoh had some kind of disease growing up that disfigured him. He's looked a little odd in all the panels we've seen his hands in.

wurwolf: I guess so. How else to explain it?

Lita: Wow. Potiphar and his wife were having sex when they went before Joseph. I heard those ancient Egyptians were permissive about that kind of thing, but wow!

wurwolf: At least they're in the back of the room.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Lita: And now is Bob's cue to begin the conversion sequence.

wurwolf: Once he's seen that his prey has dropped 50-100 pounds, he can begin the process of unhinging his lower jaw and swallowing him whole.

wurwolf: How funny would it be if those Pharisees were based on actual men at Chick Tracts?

Lita: Religious crowd going crazy and making life tough for people? Never!

wurwolf: We're so lucky something like that couldn't happen in our times!

Lita: I guess I needn't have looked up how much silver Jesus was betrayed for earlier. They tell you how much down here.

wurwolf: It still helps to get your information from the Bible, rather than a tract. Which is what everyone should be doing.

wurwolf: "The Illegal Trial of Jesus" by Wingo? That is not a real book.

Lita: Now they're just making fun of us.

wurwolf: "Let's put a wacky name down here and see if anyone questions it."

wurwolf: The lamp leads me to believe that they're still inside Joey's apartment, but does he really have brick walls? I think that was unnecessary. Plain white walls would have been fine.

Lita: At least Joey never claims to have never heard of Jesus.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Joey is down on the floor repenting like he's believed in evolution, or run scams, or taken college courses, or is a homosexual. What has he done that he's got to feel so horrible for?

Lita: AHHHH!!!! Joey's Sisterbrothermotherwife!!!!

wurwolf: AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She just came out of the bathroom!

Lita: She looks kind of like...

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

wurwolf: Joey's silently celebrating, not because the cops found out the truth about the gun, but because Bob has finally left.

Lita: At death all our lives will be replayed. What does that have to do with anything that happened in this tract?

Lita: Also, I know God's got eternity and all, but that will take forever. And be so boring.

wurwolf: Vacation slides are bad enough.

Lita: I hope God just plays a highlight reel.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2000 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

Read more!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

The Big Deal

Lita: Today we shall learn all about the New Deal.

wurwolf: FDR'D!

wurwolf: That's a power shake going on there on the cover. Manly men are conducting business.

Lita: It is a shake between two men who each want to prove their masculinity by breaking the other's hand.

Lita: Ronnie really is a lousy con man. He keeps getting caught.

wurwolf: I've never had to bail someone out of jail before, but I wonder if when you do so you get to stand right there and watch them walk out the jail cell door.

Lita: Once when I was babysitting somebody called the house asking for bail money. I hung up.

wurwolf: LOL! So someone used their one phone call from jail and you hung up on them?

Lita: I'm there to keep the children from drinking rat poison, not to bail their slimebag relatives out of the clink

wurwolf thinks that's the funniest thing she's ever heard.

Lita: I do have to applaud the realism in that first panel, though. My dad was a cop back in the day, and I can totally envision him in a jailhouse looking at some guy getting bailed out and thinking, "Creep!"

wurwolf: I can't say the cop is wrong. Janet's brother sure does look like a creep.

Lita: Is Janet the chick who was taking college classes a couple of tracts ago?

wurwolf: She sure is. So this guy getting out of jail is Jason's cousin, too.

Lita: More importantly, look at the wall in the second panel. Dracula and Frankenstein are wanted by the law?!

wurwolf: Oh come on, they're beloved by all. What crime could they have committed?

Lita: The eating of faces, I suppose.

Lita: (That's FACES. Not FECES.)

wurwolf: I think the guy in the bottom right corner is in jail for the eating of feces.

wurwolf: I wonder if any of those cops are gay.

wurwolf: Maybe the cops aren't gay. I don't see any earrings.

wurwolf: No one's yelling KISS ME!

wurwolf: Ronnie is all, Hey dog! How's it going? The dog is having none of it.

Lita: The dog knows better than to trust anybody who does the fingergun.

wurwolf: The dog was drawn by guest artist, Art Spiegelman.

Lita: Ronnie is turning into Jack Nicholson.

wurwolf: Oh yeah, he's totally giving off a Jack Nicholson vibe.

Lita: He's also giving his sister the sexy eye. He must have been locked up for a while.

wurwolf: Yo, Janet. You can move your car seats back. You don't need to sit that close to the dashboard.

Lita: Maybe she has really short legs.

wurwolf: Then Ronnie's all jammed up into the dash, too.

wurwolf: Also: thinnest steering wheel ever. It's more a hoop than a steering wheel.

Lita: Or maybe she drives kids around a lot. Whenever I get into a car owned by somebody who drives kids around the seats are always way forward and the backs are straight up.

Lita: And then I fumble around for five minutes to find the lever to adjust the seat and they don't help at all. They're like, "La la la, my car is uncomfortable to all but insane children, la la la."

wurwolf: You may be right. You gotta get as far away from those kids in the backseat as possible.

wurwolf: So Bob has a last name: Williams. Sounds generic enough. Not too ethnic or anything.

Lita: I really love the dynamic shown in the panel just after Bob meets Ronnie. Allow me to dissect it, if I may.

wurwolf: Go right ahead.

Lita: Ronnie just assumes that whatever Janet told Bob was bad. Either Ronnie is such an asshead that there's simply nothing good to say about him, or Bob said, "Janet told me all about you" in such a snotty smarmy way that it was clear what kinds of things were said.

Lita: Either way, clearly Bob and Janet have been engaging in the sin of gossip.

wurwolf: Good point.

wurwolf: I wondered why Ronnie was bothered by Janet possibly telling Bob about Ronnie's misdeeds. If he was looking forward to meeting Bob for some potentially illegal activities, don't you think he would be happy that she told Bob about him?

Lita: My favorite part, though, is Janet cruising out of the bottom of the panel with a calculating grin on her face.

Lita: Obviously, either through mere sibling rivalry or because he keeps bugging her to bail him out, she hates her brother and loves to torture him when she gets the chance.

Lita: Thus she has unleashed The Bob on him, and can now leave, satisfied that Ronnie will not escape.

wurwolf: It's like she's finally had enough of Ronnie's bullshit and she has released the kraken known as Bob on him.

Lita: That one look has made me love Janet. Now that I look at the earlier panel in the car, she gets the same look as she mentions that she is taking Ronnie to meet Bob. This is my kind of woman. I can only hope she won't ruin it later.

Lita: I wish I had a Bob that I could introduce my irritating relatives to.

wurwolf: Sadly, I've had a Bob as a relative. It's a nightmare.

Lita: I don't, by any means, want to be related to Bob. I just want to have a tenuous enough relationship that I can introduce him to people I don't like, and then not talk to him at all at any other time.

wurwolf: Bob looks like Michael McKean with dark hair there.

wurwolf: I like their circular booth. It looks like they're in one of those sleazy lounges in LA.

Lita: "I'm dead"? Why is Ronnie so upset that Bob knows he's a crook? I thought everybody knew he was a crook.

wurwolf: And why would Ronnie care if Bob knew? So what?

Lita: Is Bob in homeland security or something?

Lita: If I told my sleazy cousin that I told Bob about how sleazy he was, he'd just be like, "Ok." And then he'd make a disgusting sexual comment and leave his bong in my grandma's kitchen.

Lita: And realistically, right now my cousin knows exactly as much about Bob as Ronnie does.

wurwolf: You can already see that Ronnie's going to be an easy conquest for Bob.

wurwolf: Ronnie's as dumb as Hunter was in the last tract. "Sure! Who is he?"

Lita: Note the suddenly blank yet depressed stare on Janet's face. She's suddenly realized the flaw in her cunning plan. She will have to listen to this whole story.

wurwolf: And she just realized she's caught between them. No quietly slipping off to the "ladies room" for her.

Lita: She is currently contemplating sliding down in her seat between Bob and Ronnie and crawling out of the restaurant.

Lita: Go for it, Janet. Nobody would blame you.

wurwolf: Hell no.

wurwolf: Esau is a combination of Ernest Borgnine and Barry Gibb.

Lita: They remembered to make him all hairy.

Lita: I am now forbidding all Robin Williams jokes! Do not do it!

wurwolf bites her lip.

wurwolf: Jacob's scheming ways are obvious because he's sitting in the dark. Esau is out in the big, bright, dumb sunlight.

Lita: Bob... Please... what is a birthright???

Lita reads the caption at the bottom

Lita: Oh... something you have a right to... from birth.... Phew, that was tough.

wurwolf: I was stumped by that one, too. I'm so glad Bob explained it to us.

wurwolf: And I have question. It's pretty clear by this time that Bob's talking about a Bible story. He's not talking about two dudes he grew up with. Why hasn't Ronnie bailed by now? What guy who spends time in and out of jail would sit still as soon as he suspected anything religious?

Lita: The chaplain has had to have moseyed past Ronnie's cell a few times by now.

wurwolf: I think Bob has a hypnotic stare, like a snake, that holds his prey still until he's ready to strike.

Lita: That would explain those scary, empty, clear, colorless eyes.

wurwolf: Lita, what do you think? Do you think Esau will be dumb enough to do it?

Lita: Look at Esau. What he ought to do is say, "I'm the heir, Mofo" and punch Jacob in the face. Then he can eat what he wants.

wurwolf: Yeah, Esau's like twice the size of Jacob.

Lita: He's looking cranky, too.

Lita: I like the chicken hanging out on the couch right next to Jacob. She's like, "I'm the third heir, bitches! Feed me!"

wurwolf: I think Esau has a loophole. Jacob's asking him if he swears he can't eat his birthright, not that it's a deal. Esau needs a good lawyer.

Lita: Poor Esau. He didn't mean to give away his birthright. He meant to say, "I'm this many years old."

wurwolf: Ronnie is positively leering at Bob.

Lita: I think he leers at everybody. So does my cousin, actually. I wonder if the artist of this tract has met him.

Lita: Where's Janet? I think she may have taken our advice.

wurwolf: If she's smart she did.

wurwolf: I think their parents had Ronnie when they were in their early twenties, and Janet when they were in their late forties. Because it looks like there's a huge age difference between the two.

Lita: Either Esau was REALLY hairy, or that poor goat was REALLY ill before they killed it.

wurwolf: If Esau was as hairy as a goat, that's just sick. Use a razor, dude.

Lita: Wax was invented back then. Though possibly not Brazil. So maybe Esau was without options.

wurwolf: I think in addition to being blind, Isaac had a bit of the Alzheimer's. What parent, without seeing, can only tell the difference between their kids by feeling their arms?

Lita: Poor Esau. He really does get the poopy end of the stick in this story.

wurwolf: That's what he gets for being dumb.

Lita: Barbarians. Fortunately, now we live in a civilized society that has laws to protect the dumb.

wurwolf: Esau needed Malcolm's lawyer.

Lita: It's good to see that Jacob's dad isn't at all pissed about the whole "Stealing my blessing" thing.

Lita: Or maybe he is. He probably knows Laban better than Jacob does...

wurwolf: Isaac's headcloth looks like he's been taking some styling lessons from the salesman's father in the Hired! short.

wurwolf: You can only see the back of Janet's head in that panel. You can't see that she's nodded off.

Lita: Maybe it's not even her. Maybe it's a balloon in a blonde wig.

wurwolf: Bob and Ronnie don't even notice. They're so into each other.

Lita: She used a Sharpie pen to draw a happy face on it before she left.

Lita: And there she has made her fatal error.

Lita: Bob will glance over at her and think, "Wait a minute... NOBODY smiles while I tell my stories!!"

wurwolf: We should have started a drinking game where we take a drink every time someone says "deal" in this tract. We'd be so hammered by now.

wurwolf: I like God's escalator.

Lita: Laban looks like a heavily bearded Ronnie. Maybe he's his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandpa.

wurwolf: He's got an earring. Is he gay?

Lita: He's evil. He probably is gay.

wurwolf: Does Laban have a cigar in his mouth?

Lita: They live in a tent, yet they still have a nice big bed with a wooden frame and mattress and pillows and stuff.

wurwolf: They got their bedroom furniture at IKEA.

Lita: This is how you know it's a true story, though. Jacob married this woman and then had sex with her without even looking at her hard enough to figure out she's not the right chick.

Lita: Just like a man.

wurwolf: He went all Dwight on her from This Boy's Life: "You get it lying on your side or doggie style. Those are your only choices."

wurwolf: Bob's really into this story. He loves it.

Lita: Laban had conned the con man!

wurwolf: Bob shouted that out to get his point across.

Lita: Jacob is cross-eyed with rage.

Lita: I see what Janet did now. She replaced herself with a wax replica.

wurwolf: Smart, Janet. That's those college courses coming in handy.

wurwolf: The camel in the next panel has a hind leg attached halfway down his body.

wurwolf: Laban turns into a troll when he's angry.

Lita is checking some bible verses

(Genesis 30, if you care)

wurwolf: Go ahead, let me know when you're done

Lita: Anybody surprised Chick left some stuff out? Looks like Jacob is taking all kinds of wives. He's crazy with wives.

Lita: Rachel and Leah are all like, "Sleep with my maid!" "No! Don't sleep with her maid! Sleep with MY maid!"

wurwolf: That's right, he had another couple of kids with the maid.

Lita: And then Rachel's all like, "Hey, Leah, you can sleep with Jacob tonight if you give me some of your mandrakes." These women are all pimping Jacob out to each other and everybody else they meet.

Lita: Jacob is a STUD!

wurwolf: In every sense of the word.

wurwolf: Well... except for as a piece of wood used in building houses. I guess not in that sense of the word.

Lita: Oh, he is clearly in possession of a very impressive piece of wood.

Lita: The whole sequence where Jacob leaves Laban is much more complicated than the tract would have you know.

Lita: There's some business with spotted sheep breeding. But there's more.

wurwolf: The tract doesn't have much time for spotted sheep.

Lita: Laban's greed with the sheep did not go down well with his daughters. They're both married to the man Laban's trying to cheat. They're fully aware that Laban is pretty much saying, "I don't care if this is the man responsible for keeping you girls and your kids clothed and fed. NO GOATS FOR YOU!" He fully doesn't care if his daughters and grandkids are all destitute.

Lita: Genesis 31 has Rachel stealing one of Laban's household gods as they run away.

Lita: Laban chases them down to get his stuff back, but particularly his household god. Jacob doesn't know Rachel stole it and tells Laban to go ahead and look for it.

Lita: Laban comes to Rachel's tent, where Rachel is sitting on the god which she hid in her saddle. She tells Laban that she can't get up right now because she's on her period.

Lita: Menstruation was a big deal back then. She's pretty much defiling the hell out of her dad's god by sitting on it during her period. That takes some pretty hardcore pissed-offedness.

wurwolf: I'm having a hard time trying to figure out that wrestling panel. I really can't tell the difference between what's supposed to be the wrestling figures and just plain grass.

Lita: Jacob looks like he's wrestling a big burlap sack.

Lita can't tell who's asking who for whose blessing, and wonders who just changed his name

wurwolf: The camel approves of Jacob and Esau getting back together. He was hoping these two crazy kids would pull it together.

wurwolf: Janet has totally fallen asleep.

Lita: She's got a Muzak version of "The Girl from Ipanema" playing in a continuous loop in her head.

wurwolf: See what I mean about Bob's snake stare? He's trying to hypnotize us.

wurwolf: It looks like Ronnie stuck a 2-liter soda bottle cap on the end of his nose here.

wurwolf: Janet looks like she just crawled out of bed in the next panel. Bob just leans back and prepares to reel Ronnie in.

Lita: Holy crap! Look what's happened to Janet!!

Lita: Bob's monologue is killing her!!

wurwolf: Wow! She looks so haggard! It's like it's affecting all of her this time, not just her hair.

wurwolf: Every time a person converts, they're always down on their knees, burying their face in their hands.

wurwolf: Can you not receive Christ in any other posture?

wurwolf: Too bad we didn't do the drinking game. The word "deal" was mentioned 12 times, 13 if you count the cover.

wurwolf: We could have gotten so shitfaced.

Lita: Fortunately in the penultimate panel we find that not only is Ronnie saved, Janet is as well.

Lita: The conversion is happening, and Janet weeps bitter tears knowing that at any moment she will be free.

wurwolf: That's really what she's crying about.

Lita: She thinks, "I came so close to death this time. I shall not be so foolish again."

Lita: Run, Janet. Run like the wind.

wurwolf: And don't look back.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2000 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

Read more!