The Contract

As promised, this time around we're coming back to the comic that caused Tommy the Elder to find God. What tract could possibly be so powerful that even a glance at the first page caused a hard rockin' hard rocker to hang up his guitar? Let us find out together as we read...

wurwolf: According to the cover, Satan will accept a big red X as a signature on his contracts.

wurwolf: This makes me uneasy, since that sort of thing is easy to forge. He would just need to write my name at the top and mark it with a red sharpie, and boom! Just that quick I'm destined for hell.

Lita: That guy sure has hairy arms.

wurwolf: He's a gorilla.

Lita: Maybe he's signing over his soul in return for the fame and love humans will give him when the evil school system tells them he's their daddy.

Lita: So. First row! Just one look at this page made Tommy the Elder realize that rock and roll is evil and give himself over to Jesus.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'm not sure what brought him to his knees. The bright light? The hail storm? The nightgowns?

wurwolf: Good gravy, just what kind of wattage does that kid's lamp have? The thing is going super-nova.

Lita: It's biblical. God lives in lights and that's why you aren't allowed to hide them under bushels.

wurwolf: So the light is symbolic, then. The kid is bringing the Light of the World to his father.

Lita: It's not an analogy. Every verse of the bible must be taken completely literally.

Lita: Bob taught me that.

wurwolf: Then you have been taught the infallible and unerring truth.

Lita: I think that second panel might make me seek God.

Lita: Look at those people.

wurwolf: I have to say, I like the artwork in this tract. Chick Publications isn't very good about letting us know who the illustrator is. I'm assuming the writer is always Jack Chick, though.

Lita: According to the Chick website he's really elderly now and doesn't do as much of the writing as he used to. He mostly putters around his kitchen and occasionally sends them something. But this tract is even older than the last one we did, which was from the 80's. So he might have had more direct input then.

wurwolf: I find it sad that they don't give any credit to the artists, though. At least none that I've seen.

wurwolf: But, in spite of the halfway-decent artwork, I'm confused about something. Is that dust rising from the ground or clouds come to earth?

Lita: That kid looks kind of bored. He must have been through all this before.

Lita: It's like in the Little House on the Prairie show. Every time Pa plants a crop it gets destroyed and then he has to borrow money or take some super dangerous job out of town.

wurwolf: Well, drama sells.

wurwolf: Love the crazy cross-hatching on the back of Dad's head, though.

Lita: Dad's head is plaid

wurwolf: Maybe it's a hunting cap?

wurwolf: Which would make sense, now that his crop has been destroyed. He's got to feed his kid somehow.

Lita: Nah. It's pretty hairy to be a hat.

wurwolf: So I guess it's just the father and son. Is this Courtship of Eddie's Father or something? Where's the Japanese housekeeper?

Lita: He's trying to get money from the BA. Because people who borrow from banks are a bunch of SHEEP!

wurwolf groans

Lita: Again with the haws!

wurwolf: The "HAW HAW HAW" is all in a jaunty, jocular font.

wurwolf: Do we know if the haws signify an evil person?

Lita: I've always felt so.

wurwolf: I have to agree. Anyone who would haw must be unrepentantly evil.

Lita: It's only ever pulled out when somebody is experiencing a misfortune.

wurwolf: And used with extreme scorn and ridicule.

Lita: "My cat ran away and I haven't seen her for days--" "HAW!"

Lita: And then the punching begins.

wurwolf: "Is it my fault the hail ruined your crop?" So, by contrast, does that mean that the bank will only loan out money in cases where they claim responsibility?

Lita: "You're right! Our interest rates are excessively high! Here's some money!"

wurwolf: Farmer: My son drowned in the pond. Bank: Oh wow, we totally screwed up there. Here's a hundred bucks.

wurwolf: We're coming dangerously close to a buffalo shot of the farmer here.

Lita: John Freeman. Think that name is supposed to symbolize something?

wurwolf: I'm just surprised the tract didn't call this guy Tom or Tim.

wurwolf: The banker is cross-eyed with rage.

Lita: The kid is crippled? I guess that explains his face. But he's still pretty good at swinging God Lamps around for a cripple.

wurwolf: Stupid crippled kid. Way to be a burden to your dad.

Lita: The whole reason people had kids back then was so you could get an extra pair of hands to work your farm. Way to ruin your dad's life, you ungrateful brat.

wurwolf: I hope that kid apologizes to his poor long-suffering dad every day for being crippled.

wurwolf: You know, I notice that a lot of the words in this tract are underlined. I wonder, if you took all of the underlined words, would they spell out a secret message?

Lita: So far we have "deep do money my our." Other than the first two words, I'm saying no.

wurwolf: I don't know.... I'm holding out hope for a secret message.

wurwolf: "I hate the ground you walk on... ELMER BOGGS!" Why the pause?

wurwolf: I suppose it was for dramatic effect.

Lita: That line. His reference to the ground Elmer walks on is only meant to focus our attention to his name, Boggs, which would be difficult to walk on.

wurwolf: Ooo, good point. This tract is chock full of subtext.

Lita: The part of Pa is being played today by Stacy Keach.

wurwolf: You know who gets paid for being loved, Elmer Boggs? Trixie, the town whore.

wurwolf: Or your wife.

wurwolf: If you take the underlined words in that second frame, Elmer Boggs is saying "Don't don't come back!" Which is a roundabout way of saying he wants John Freeman to come back.

Lita: Oh, @!!**!. You're like an old friend to me.

wurwolf: I like that every tract, no matter who the illustrator is, has to use the same exact cursing.

Lita: Oh dear. Did they make the Devil a black man?

wurwolf: It sure looks like it.

Lita: And they underlined soul because the black guy wants it. Black people like soul food.

wurwolf: The clouds on the horizon have been so distracting to me in this tract. Did some kind of nuclear fallout just happen?

Lita: I don't know why Pa would sell his soul for that farm. It's a really horrible farm.

wurwolf: No wonder he's broke. He's been growing weeds and wagon wheels.

Lita: The wagon wheels would be useful, except they ate the horse last week.

wurwolf: That, and they only have two wheels.

Lita: Maybe it's time for him and his cripple to move on.

wurwolf: Move to the city and put that kid out to beg on the streets. Can you imagine the bucks he'd rake in? Little crippled blonde white kid? Pfft. Crazy money.

wurwolf: Two panels in one frame. Arty.

wurwolf hopes Mr. B. Fox is knocking on the house door and not the outhouse door.

wurwolf: Especially since he's offering to shake John Freeman's hand.

Lita: So who's this guy? What happened to that nice black fellow?

Lita: He was so jaunty and not prone to mistake abject poverty for bountiful wealth.

wurwolf: That nice black fellow saw how sad John Freeman's farm was and knew he'd get no good soul food there, so he moved on.

Lita: Poor guy. He was my favorite character in this tract.

wurwolf: He's better than Malcolm, anyway.

wurwolf: Poor John. He's just one of a long line of poor white trash who are suckers for a get-rich-quick scheme. You know if they had Publisher's Clearinghouse back then he'd be right in on that.

Lita: I actually like the art in this first frame. The bottles in the window, the wheel, the axe in the stump. If you ignore the dialogue it's nice.

wurwolf: It is. Very bucolic.

wurwolf: Why would John go halvesies with B. Fox? It's his property. At least negotiate yourself a better deal, you dummy.

Lita: Totally. I'd take a good look at that map and then send Fox on his way. He's holding it open right there for all to see.

wurwolf: Never trust a man with a pinky ring.

Lita: Not if they hold their pinky out like that to make it shine at you.

Lita: Do you hold your pinky out if you're like holding a glass or something?

wurwolf: No, I don't. Do you?

Lita: Yeah. I don't even think about it. I just do.

Lita: I'm so snooty.

wurwolf: Snooty? Or lame?

Lita: Maybe both? I started doing it when I was a little girl and thought it was classy, and now it's just automatic.

wurwolf: I'm leaning more towards lame.

wurwolf: And here we get our first good look at B. Fox's face. I have to say, I'm disappointed.

Lita: He looks so piggy with those little eyes and the tiny nose.

wurwolf: I like how the hat is tilted to a rakish angle, though.

wurwolf: I think he looks a little like Gary Burghoff:

wurwolf: The "haw" rears its ugly head yet again.

Lita: I mostly want to slap people when I hear them say "Haw"

wurwolf: Oh, me too.

Lita: It just goes right around the brain and into the spine and pulls on the slapping nerves.

wurwolf: B. Fox waited until John got out the inkwell and pen before stopping him?

Lita: Asking for my soul is weird enough, but asking me to sign anything in blood would just put me over. I'd be like, "Oh, ok, you're a loony. You can either leave now or wait here while I get my gun."

Lita: Also, Freeman already told him he'd get half the treasure. Why would he throw his soul in as well? No wonder he's in so much debt if he's this bad at identifying a terrible deal.

wurwolf: Exactly. It's a wonder he's managed to hold on to the farm this long.

Lita: If I'm giving up my soul I want ALL that stupid treasure that's on my property anyway.

wurwolf: Not only that, but (peeking ahead) John is going to be doing all the hard labor to get this treasure.

Lita: And there had better be a LOT of treasure. If we start digging and only find a couple of silver dollars than I will be pissed.

wurwolf: If John was more shrewd he would have dug the treasure up first and then signed the contract. Some guy shows up on your doorstep with a crudely-drawn map, claiming that there's treasure on your property, and you totally fall for it? I'm surprised John didn't lose his soul before he hit puberty.

Lita: I hope he at least checked to make sure there was a clause that let him off if they don't find treasure or if the treasure is lame.

wurwolf: I'm sure he didn't.

wurwolf: Wow. Good thing John didn't rent that stump grinder last year like he was thinking about doing.

wurwolf: John became shirtless between the time they reached the stump and when he was digging.

Lita: "Don't you have a promise to keep?" Geez, Fox, he said "we." You're taking his soul, let him have a minute to jump around and be happy.

wurwolf: What's that on the ground next to B. Fox? Did Chluthu wander into this tract?

wurwolf: Maybe that's the artist's response to this tract.

Lita: John never promised Fox to fix Boggs.

wurwolf: Fox must've been hanging around and overheard him. I can totally see the devil wanting to hang out in a bank.

Lita: He really is dumb if he didn't pick up on Fox knowing about that.

wurwolf: John has never looked more like Stacy Keach than he does there.

wurwolf: You know, John, that's where the real money is. Stacy Keach impersonations. Just something to think about.

Lita: "There's nothing like revenge." And that was nothing like revenge. Not interesting revenge anyway. Any objections to skipping those "revenge" panels?

wurwolf: Yes, but you're going to do it anyway, aren't you?

Lita: Yes.

wurwolf: Well, I'm still going to talk about them.

Lita: Fine.

wurwolf: Once again we have a businessman fired for doing his job.

wurwolf: Chick seems to love to reward the boobs and buffoons and castigate the hardworking businessmen.

wurwolf: Honestly, I feel a little sad about this. Poor Boggs.

Lita: Oh, hey! It's Bob!

wurwolf: Bob Goode!

Lita: Must be one of Bob's ancestors. He's even good at shouting about souls at people who were just trying to have a nice conversation.

wurwolf: Bob's head explodes in a flash of light over John's stupidity.

wurwolf: "I believe in the 10 commandments... I do as much good as possible..."

wurwolf: "Why, I even changed my last name to 'Goode'! It used to be Miller!"

Lita: Bob never ever sins. Because the Bible teaches that that's possible.

Lita: The Bible is always going on and on about how you can get into heaven through good works and that's why we don't need any savior.

wurwolf: Yup, that's what Bob has always told us. And you don't argue with Bob.

wurwolf: Okay. Obviously this tract took place many years ago. So I can only assume that Bob Goode has traveled far into the future and brought back that sweet flat-screen tv there.

Lita: Beelzebub? Really, tract? You're going there?

wurwolf: And John is so dumb. "Beelzebub!", he cheerfully shouts out.

Lita: "Lew Siffer" was one thing, but "Beelzebub Fox" is just too much to handle.

wurwolf: Frankly, I think "Lew Siffer" was worse.

Lita: Next tract we'll see a guy sign his soul over to "Lorda Thefflies." And don't miss the one where some guy signs his soul, in blood, to "Satan McPrinceofdarkness"

wurwolf: Or "Mr. O'Scratch"

wurwolf: Well, John might be on his deathbed and doomed to hell, but what an awesome ride these last ten years have been for him. Look at that mansion! Although I do think the architect went a little overboard on the windows.

wurwolf: It kind of looks like John's mouth was sewn shut while he's dying in bed.

wurwolf: Is that a face on John's headboard?

Lita: It's a frowny face. Because it's sad to die and go to hell.

wurwolf: I thought maybe Beelzebub made him carve it there, to remind him of his impending fate.

Lita: Bob's a big Jesus expert and he didn't mention to John in the last 10 years that there's a way out of that contract?

Lita: He probably figured John deserved what he got. That's our Bob!

wurwolf: Oh, Bob. For fun!

Lita: "blahhdee blah, Jesus, blood, cross, blah blah." Moving on.

wurwolf: Looks like Bob's doing alright for himself, too.

Lita: "You look terrible!" That Bob. Always full of Christian love and kindness.

wurwolf: ONE HOUR LATER "Stop preaching to me, John!" Really. If my decrepit cousin showed up at my door and preached at me for a full hour, non-stop, I think I'd be a little grumpy, too.

Lita: I'm confused about Bob. He was set up as our Christian hero and now he's all, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS CHRIST STUFF!"

wurwolf: Chick tracts pulled a switcheroo on us!

wurwolf: Did they have baloney when this tract took place?

Lita: Skipping ahead, John dies and Bob thinks he's in hell, blah blah, hey look! Violence!

wurwolf: I love how Bob's legs are all splayed out under the tree branch.

Lita: A massive tentacle appears to rape Bob! Damn you, Japan!

wurwolf: It's Chluthu again!

wurwolf: His legs look like one of those Garfield butts that people hang out of their car window.

Lita: Why does this panel include an advertisement for a book about Satanism? Was that horse playing D&D?

wurwolf: Must have been. I just like that the tree crashed in Cooper Bold.

wurwolf: And Bob's leg says "Ugh".

Lita: He had a mantis in his pantis.

wurwolf: Perhaps you'll get a look at that mantis in his pantis in the next panel, because he's in hell and he's nude.

Lita: He's all sweaty because it's hot as hell in there.

wurwolf: Haw!

Lita slaps wurwolf

Lita: Sorry! Reflex!

wurwolf: It's okay. I'll just reflexively break your pinky sometime when it's sticking out.

wurwolf: Okay, so finally, Chick tracts gives little kids a pass. They won't wind up in hell.

Lita: Unless they wear dumb sweaters and hang out with bikerhobos.

Lita: Beelzebub Fox's head looks like a massive ham, and it's making me hungry.

wurwolf: A delicious, tasty ham with eyes and a hat.

Lita: No big finish for this tract. I'm disappointed.

wurwolf: "I've got everyone anyway.... except those who accepted Christ as their savior!" And the tract just kind of ends there....

Lita: As does this blog entry.

(All comic images ©1984-2008 Chick Publications, Inc. and are used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

Read more!

Angels?

HEY HOLEEE COW-ERS!! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?! This one goes out to our biggest fan, Springy!! WHOOOO! Rock on, you CRMFer! *chucks a beer bottle into the audience*




wurwolf: Good goddamn, I love it already.

wurwolf: We've had some great covers from Chick, but I swear that is the best cover we've seen yet.

Lita: They really captured the Rock spirit

wurwolf: Totally.

Lita: That guitar has a really long neck.

wurwolf: Not only that, the guy's mouth is abnormally big. I guess that's so he can get out all of his mad lyrics.

wurwolf: By the way, this tract was written in 1986, so judge their take on rock music accordingly.

Lita: Do you really think it's changed since then? I mean, it's barely been 20 years.

wurwolf: This being Chick Publications, I'm sure they won't be so current as to portray hair metal bands or even new wave. I'm guessing they'll be featuring some greasy 70s prog rock band.

wurwolf: You know what? I can't say that I blame them for being upset. $200 split four ways will barely buy dinner at a fast-food restaurant, let alone pay their bills.

Lita: No, I can see how the tract is making its point about these greedy little bastards. If they're so Christian and want to spread the Word they should Rock for free. And God loves it when His servants on Earth cheat each other out of money.

wurwolf: Well, God must be overjoyed then. Because these guys are clearly being cheated. If the agreed upon fee was $500 and they're getting $200? Pfft.

wurwolf: Frankly, I think they should trash the Sunday School rooms.

Lita: They couldn't do worse than Sunday Schoolers do.

Lita: Also, Green Angels is kind of a dumb name for a rock group. Even a Christian rock group.

wurwolf: Maybe. But how awesome would it be if that van was lime green and they had all that painted on the side? I would totally drive around in a van like that.

wurwolf: I'd feel like I was in a Scooby Doo cartoon.

Lita: I wonder if they're enviro Christians

Lita: I would not be surprised to discover that Chick Tracts is opposed to environmentalism too.

wurwolf: I'm sure some day we'll run across a tract against environmentalism.



wurwolf: How come that preacher stopped you? Maybe because you suck.

Lita: Yeah, guys, I get that a lot of Christian rock is regular rock, but you substitute Jesus for "baby." But I don't think that works so well if your song is "Superfreak".

wurwolf: Or "Milkshake".

Lita: "You're a very sexay Loooord! The kind you don't bring home to Mothaaaaa!"

wurwolf: "My Jesus brings all the boys to the yard..."

Lita: "My Jesus does the hanky panky!"



Lita: Hey, big dark shadowy guy, I don't think those little jerks can hear you if you're talking to them from the other side of the window like that.

wurwolf: How to Win Friends and Influence People, Rule #1: You won't get people to do what you want by calling them jerks.

wurwolf: "It's got to be my way." I'll bet he's Frank Sinatra!



Lita: Oh no! He's telling them to let go and flow! It's the beginning of the end when your Christian rock group resorts to public urination!

wurwolf: Get their name right, Satan. They're the GREEN Angels.

wurwolf: He washed us out? What does that mean?

Lita: Nothing wrong with being washed out. Lots of rock groups could do with a shower.

wurwolf: Yes, these guys especially. I guess their rent doesn't include showering.

Lita: Look at that guy. I bet he's Tommy's older brother. I mean, he's even a loser.

wurwolf: He does look a lot like Tommy.

Lita: I wonder if his name is Bobby

wurwolf: Let's start calling him Bobby.



Lita: Mr. Siffer gives spring cleaning a whole new meaning.

Lita: I bet this is how all Christian rock groups make it big. No true Christian would enjoy rock music.

wurwolf: I like the couple on the right in the restaurant. The man is about to order something, but his wife is so angry! I'll bet he's diabetic and he's trying to order some pie.

Lita: I bet every time the waitress walks away he swats her on the fanny.



wurwolf: This tract wants us to think that wanting $500 when you can't even pay your rent is a bad thing.

wurwolf: Oh no! Don't jump! You have so much to live for!

Lita: Five hundred dollars, man! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!

wurwolf: That could pay a whole month's rent in 1986!

Lita: I want five hundred dollars!

wurwolf: So with inflation, in today's rate that would be.... what? $1,000?

Lita: I want one thousand dollars!!!

wurwolf: Hell, I'd be happy with a candy bar.

wurwolf: Wow. Guys, you're in a Chick tract. Don't you know talking like your beliefs are no big deal means you're going straight to hell?

Lita: If you're not willing to die for your beliefs you're just not committed enough. And that's why you got into rock and roll.

Lita: Ok. So we haven't seen Siffer's face yet, but the guys have. And we know Chick Tracts like their devils to have horns and crap. So what are you thinking:

Lita: Did the tract go against its basic nature and make Satan all good looking like he probably actually would be?

Lita: Or did the tract do what it really wants to do and make Siffer all evil and ugly and covered in scales and horns and stuff and the guys are just really dumb?

wurwolf: Or high.

Lita: If one of them is related to Tommy I'm gonna go with dumb.

wurwolf: If this is a Chick tract, I'm gonna go with high.

wurwolf: Ooo! Maybe Mr. Siffer is actually Bob!



Lita: Check Siffer's profile. I think you're right. He's Bob.

wurwolf: I thought so!

Lita: "Hey, Christians! I can give you booze and groupies and drugs!" "We see no downside to this!"

wurwolf: For crying out loud, I still can't see why these guys are such villains. Isn't this what anyone in the music business would want? To be famous and to get ahead?

Lita: If they're so easily turned from their beliefs, why did they start a Christian rock group? Why not just start a regular rock group?

wurwolf: I know, right? "We're not such great Christians. We don't really care about our religion. Hey! Let's start a Christian rock band!"

Lita: "Nobody will buy our albums except hardcore Christians and if we ever sin and they find out even they'll stop buying our stuff! It'll be AWESOME!"

Lita: I have a couple of Christian Rock albums. I got them back in high school when my youth group was trying to convince me that we should only listen to Christian music. I tried out some, and it was ok. I could get into it, depending on the group. But I couldn't imagine giving up all my non-Christian music forever.

wurwolf: Yeah, I tried to get into it, too. I even went so far as to throw away all of my Pink Floyd albums, an action I regret to this day.

Lita: Finally I decided, "Ok. Maybe God does speak to some people to tell them that their music is getting in the way of their walk. But I've never gotten any impression that He's saying it to me." I never regretted not throwing out my music.



wurwolf: Eh. Sign in your own blood, pee in this cup. I see no difference.

Lita: No reason why the blood signing thing or the selling of souls should throw up red flags. The RIAA requires it of all its musicians, and most of its customers.

wurwolf: Told you they would be a 70s prog rock group. That blonde guy has Yes written all over him.

wurwolf: WHOA! There is a Bobby! How precog of you, Lita!

Lita: He's not the one who looks like Tommy's brother, though. I was off by one.

wurwolf: Well.... yeah. That and just about everyone in these tracts are named Bob, Tom or Tim, or some derivative thereof.



wurwolf: "Souls haw haw!" I love it.

Lita: Tommy the Elder has some Benicio Del Toro in him.





Lita: Lew Siffer. That's totally subtle, Chick Tracts.

Lita: Siffer doesn't have horns. Yet.

wurwolf: Well... Lew Siffer is quite clever, but I hope people call him Lewis Siffer just to mess with him.

wurwolf: "You can call me Lew if you like." No. I just want to call you Lewis.

Lita: He couldn't even be a Luis. He had to go with the weird spelling.

wurwolf: Oh, he's such an angel of light, with his white suit and glowing aura. *rolls eyes*



Lita: You know who Lew's reminding me of?



wurwolf: Satan: Master of the World, Agent to the Stars, and Sandwich Promoter.

wurwolf: Actually, I think Satan is John McCrea of CAKE. He shaved his goatee, but we all know that CAKE is the devil.

wurwolf: Are you kidding me? Is Chick Publications making the bold statement that music comes from Satan?

Lita: I'm not at all surprised.



wurwolf: Huh. I wonder what the difference between hard rock and heavy rock is.

Lita: I can't help but wonder why Mr. Siffer waited until the 1960s to unveil his master evil plan to destroy all souls. I mean, many Christians agree we're either in or approaching the End Times. Cutting it a little close, aren't you Lew?

Lita: If it were such an awesome plan he should have started in a lot sooner. We could be waltzing to Beethoven's "Janie's Got A Gun" right now.

wurwolf: Was Satan listening to the same music I was listening to in the 70s? I hardly think "Chick A Boom" and "Baby I'm A Want You" classify as heavy rock.

Lita: Sorry, wurwolf. Soft Rock doesn't exist anymore. It ended in the 60's. That's why you see all the kids headbanging to Michael Bolton and Butterfly Kisses.

wurwolf: I like that the crooners introduced the world to Satan. Damn you, Bing Crosby!

Lita: I was at the dentist last week and "Bridge Over Troubled Water" came on the radio and I was afraid for the safety of my teeth with all the moshing that suddenly broke out in there.

wurwolf: Satan has even inflitrated your dentist office. Shameful.

wurwolf: Lew's explanation of music sounds an awful lot like the song "Sympathy for the Devil"



Lita: All the Green Angels have the WTF expressions you would expect from watching Satan's little presentation, except Tommy The Elder. He's just like, "This is hardcore. Let's roll."

wurwolf: Absolutely. He's had a taste of what $500 can bring, and he's not going back.



wurwolf: Motley Crue was around in the 70s? I'm calling bullshit on that.

Lita: Wait... Satan's trying to destroy education? But I thought education was his baby. On account of all teachers hating god and pushing Evolution and dinosaurs and gays and stuff.

wurwolf: Perhaps a different writer wrote this tract.

Lita: All music made after the 50's sounds the same? D... Dad? Is that you???

wurwolf: I'm having a hard time following Lew's reasoning there.

wurwolf: Sweet! They're part of the wolf pack! AWESOME!

Lita: If you think pastors who let rock music in are wimpy just try rocking out the worship service in any church service my dad attends.

wurwolf: "Let's move on" I love the way Lew talks. He's quite the motivational speaker.

Lita: He must have sensed that we were running out of things to say about that panel. He's very considerate.



wurwolf: So let's track the progression of Satan's music. It starts in his Satanist church, then straight to the Catholic church, then onto voodoo (which, I'm not sure how the Catholics and voodoo are mixed up), and then from voodoo to the entire world.

wurwolf: Yeah. Sure. I can buy that.

Lita: You never listened to Wall of Voodoo? It's great. o/` I'm on a Mexican radio! I'm on a Mexican, wooah-oh, radio! o/`

wurwolf: No, I've never even heard of them.

Lita: They only had one hit, but it was a good one.

wurwolf: "But they'll die for their rock and rolls gods." I gotta admit, Chick tracts isn't doing a good job of making me not want to be in Satan's band.

Lita: "Starting from my church*" "*The Satanist church" Thanks, Tract. I wasn't sure by this point who we were dealing with here.

wurwolf: Yeah really. Because the name Lew Siffer was too hard to figure out.

wurwolf: By the way, I don't know how many times I've read the name "Siffer" and thought it said "Stiffler". It's like, "This guy Stiffler is really load--" Oh. Siffer.

wurwolf: "Let's give them a big New York welcome." Yep. Because if you're going to sin, you should sin big. In New York.

Lita: When Satan labels you, you stay labled. Once a stupid little jerk, always a stupid little jerk.



wurwolf: Wow. That's a great panel. "We're gonna rock with the ROCK!" Prudential?

Lita: You know what I've always found striking about the Christian rock groups I've listened to? All the Satanic imagery. They always have demons flying around and stuff. Because Christians aren't sensitive about that kind of thing.

wurwolf: Yeah, they're big on that stuff.

wurwolf: "I love um!" Really? Um?

Lita: Is their animatronic demon saying "They're the greatest"?

wurwolf: Ha! It is! What brilliant promotion!

Lita: Oh, wait. I get it. They're not animatronic demons. They're real demons because demons love any song with a beat.

wurwolf: That Lew, he's the best manager ever!



Lita: They can't marry each other because it'll wreck their image? They can't marry each other because it's the mid-80's and it's illegal.

Lita: But check out Satan, taking a stand against homosexual marriage!

Lita: I have to admit, I'm genuinely surprised that a Chick tract would take this stance.

Lita: I now realize that as loving compassionate Christians we should stand up against the hate that Satan keeps spewing and legalize gay marriage. Thank you, Chick Tracts. Thank you.

wurwolf: You're reading it wrong. Chick wants you to know that NO ONE likes homosexual marriage. Not even Satan.

wurwolf: Satan can hand out AIDS for wedding presents? I thought AIDS was God's judgment against homosexuality.

wurwolf: Way to steal God's bit, Satan!





wurwolf: "He's skin and bones. He looks like death." "So he's got AIDS. Big deal!" Wow. Just.... wow.

Lita: That's something I've noticed about rock fans. They hate having friends.

wurwolf: It's part of the pact they sign with Satan.

Lita: Also tons of Christian rock fans wear leather jackets with a No Cross symbol on the back.

wurwolf: I see that jacket in all of the fancy clothing stores here in Manhattan.



Lita: Holy crap! Tommy the Elder's name really is Tom! I'm so psychic today!

Lita: Or else I've read way more Chick Tracts than is healthy for me.

wurwolf: I'm going with choice #2. Also, if you're psychic, that means you're going straight to hell.

wurwolf: I love that she's slipping a Chick tract into Tom's pocket.

Lita: Look how tall Tommy the Elder is. Rock Music has made him larger than life. He's a living legend.

wurwolf: You're absolutely right. Tall people are of the devil.



wurwolf: "Embrace me, Love of Death"?? What kind of crappy lyrics are these?

wurwolf: I like that one guy in the audience is wearing a Cream jacket.

Lita: Do you suppose Chick Tracts were aware of the band Cream, or is it just a coincidence?

wurwolf: Right away I want to say that it's a coincidence, because I seriously doubt that Chick tracts has ever heard of Eric Clapton, let alone Cream. But then I realize that this was written in the 1980s and it's not like Chick would be up on any current bands. If they had to pick one band to put on someone's jacket, I'm not surprised that it's a band from 20 years before.



wurwolf: Don is into vampirism? Really? That's the best they could come up with?

Lita: Yeah, that's a fairly common Rock and Roll lifestyle problem.

wurwolf: What tract is Tommy the Elder reading?

Lita: Looks like The Contract. We haven't done it, have we?

wurwolf: No, but we should. It looks fucking awesome.

wurwolf: And apparently it's so powerful that even after reading the first panel Tommy the Elder gets saved.

Lita: All I've seen is the first panel and I agree with Tommy the Elder. The first panel rules.



Lita: I knew it! As soon as Tommy the Elder gets wise we see that the devil is actually ugly with horns and a red face and stuff!

wurwolf: Yep!

wurwolf: "Not any more, Lew Stiffler!"

Lita: "I'm gonna go have sex with your mom!"



wurwolf: He's preaching to a bunch of old people. Like they're going to do anything other than agree with him by shaking their heads and saying, "Tsk tsk."

wurwolf: Oh great. Another call for a book burning.

Lita: And a call for self-crucifixion.

Lita: That's so punk rawk!


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Lita: Next time on Holeee Cow... The Contract!

wurwolf: You bet!

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