Wednesday, March 12, 2008


HEY HOLEEE COW-ERS!! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?! This one goes out to our biggest fan, Springy!! WHOOOO! Rock on, you CRMFer! *chucks a beer bottle into the audience*

wurwolf: Good goddamn, I love it already.

wurwolf: We've had some great covers from Chick, but I swear that is the best cover we've seen yet.

Lita: They really captured the Rock spirit

wurwolf: Totally.

Lita: That guitar has a really long neck.

wurwolf: Not only that, the guy's mouth is abnormally big. I guess that's so he can get out all of his mad lyrics.

wurwolf: By the way, this tract was written in 1986, so judge their take on rock music accordingly.

Lita: Do you really think it's changed since then? I mean, it's barely been 20 years.

wurwolf: This being Chick Publications, I'm sure they won't be so current as to portray hair metal bands or even new wave. I'm guessing they'll be featuring some greasy 70s prog rock band.

wurwolf: You know what? I can't say that I blame them for being upset. $200 split four ways will barely buy dinner at a fast-food restaurant, let alone pay their bills.

Lita: No, I can see how the tract is making its point about these greedy little bastards. If they're so Christian and want to spread the Word they should Rock for free. And God loves it when His servants on Earth cheat each other out of money.

wurwolf: Well, God must be overjoyed then. Because these guys are clearly being cheated. If the agreed upon fee was $500 and they're getting $200? Pfft.

wurwolf: Frankly, I think they should trash the Sunday School rooms.

Lita: They couldn't do worse than Sunday Schoolers do.

Lita: Also, Green Angels is kind of a dumb name for a rock group. Even a Christian rock group.

wurwolf: Maybe. But how awesome would it be if that van was lime green and they had all that painted on the side? I would totally drive around in a van like that.

wurwolf: I'd feel like I was in a Scooby Doo cartoon.

Lita: I wonder if they're enviro Christians

Lita: I would not be surprised to discover that Chick Tracts is opposed to environmentalism too.

wurwolf: I'm sure some day we'll run across a tract against environmentalism.

wurwolf: How come that preacher stopped you? Maybe because you suck.

Lita: Yeah, guys, I get that a lot of Christian rock is regular rock, but you substitute Jesus for "baby." But I don't think that works so well if your song is "Superfreak".

wurwolf: Or "Milkshake".

Lita: "You're a very sexay Loooord! The kind you don't bring home to Mothaaaaa!"

wurwolf: "My Jesus brings all the boys to the yard..."

Lita: "My Jesus does the hanky panky!"

Lita: Hey, big dark shadowy guy, I don't think those little jerks can hear you if you're talking to them from the other side of the window like that.

wurwolf: How to Win Friends and Influence People, Rule #1: You won't get people to do what you want by calling them jerks.

wurwolf: "It's got to be my way." I'll bet he's Frank Sinatra!

Lita: Oh no! He's telling them to let go and flow! It's the beginning of the end when your Christian rock group resorts to public urination!

wurwolf: Get their name right, Satan. They're the GREEN Angels.

wurwolf: He washed us out? What does that mean?

Lita: Nothing wrong with being washed out. Lots of rock groups could do with a shower.

wurwolf: Yes, these guys especially. I guess their rent doesn't include showering.

Lita: Look at that guy. I bet he's Tommy's older brother. I mean, he's even a loser.

wurwolf: He does look a lot like Tommy.

Lita: I wonder if his name is Bobby

wurwolf: Let's start calling him Bobby.

Lita: Mr. Siffer gives spring cleaning a whole new meaning.

Lita: I bet this is how all Christian rock groups make it big. No true Christian would enjoy rock music.

wurwolf: I like the couple on the right in the restaurant. The man is about to order something, but his wife is so angry! I'll bet he's diabetic and he's trying to order some pie.

Lita: I bet every time the waitress walks away he swats her on the fanny.

wurwolf: This tract wants us to think that wanting $500 when you can't even pay your rent is a bad thing.

wurwolf: Oh no! Don't jump! You have so much to live for!

Lita: Five hundred dollars, man! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!

wurwolf: That could pay a whole month's rent in 1986!

Lita: I want five hundred dollars!

wurwolf: So with inflation, in today's rate that would be.... what? $1,000?

Lita: I want one thousand dollars!!!

wurwolf: Hell, I'd be happy with a candy bar.

wurwolf: Wow. Guys, you're in a Chick tract. Don't you know talking like your beliefs are no big deal means you're going straight to hell?

Lita: If you're not willing to die for your beliefs you're just not committed enough. And that's why you got into rock and roll.

Lita: Ok. So we haven't seen Siffer's face yet, but the guys have. And we know Chick Tracts like their devils to have horns and crap. So what are you thinking:

Lita: Did the tract go against its basic nature and make Satan all good looking like he probably actually would be?

Lita: Or did the tract do what it really wants to do and make Siffer all evil and ugly and covered in scales and horns and stuff and the guys are just really dumb?

wurwolf: Or high.

Lita: If one of them is related to Tommy I'm gonna go with dumb.

wurwolf: If this is a Chick tract, I'm gonna go with high.

Ooo! Maybe Mr. Siffer is actually Bob!

Lita: Check Siffer's profile. I think you're right. He's Bob.

wurwolf: I thought so!

Lita: "Hey, Christians! I can give you booze and groupies and drugs!" "We see no downside to this!"

wurwolf: For crying out loud, I still can't see why these guys are such villains. Isn't this what anyone in the music business would want? To be famous and to get ahead?

Lita: If they're so easily turned from their beliefs, why did they start a Christian rock group? Why not just start a regular rock group?

wurwolf: I know, right? "We're not such great Christians. We don't really care about our religion. Hey! Let's start a Christian rock band!"

Lita: "Nobody will buy our albums except hardcore Christians and if we ever sin and they find out even they'll stop buying our stuff! It'll be AWESOME!"

Lita: I have a couple of Christian Rock albums. I got them back in high school when my youth group was trying to convince me that we should only listen to Christian music. I tried out some, and it was ok. I could get into it, depending on the group. But I couldn't imagine giving up all my non-Christian music forever.

wurwolf: Yeah, I tried to get into it, too. I even went so far as to throw away all of my Pink Floyd albums, an action I regret to this day.

Lita: Finally I decided, "Ok. Maybe God does speak to some people to tell them that their music is getting in the way of their walk. But I've never gotten any impression that He's saying it to me." I never regretted not throwing out my music.

wurwolf: Eh. Sign in your own blood, pee in this cup. I see no difference.

Lita: No reason why the blood signing thing or the selling of souls should throw up red flags. The RIAA requires it of all its musicians, and most of its customers.

wurwolf: Told you they would be a 70s prog rock group. That blonde guy has Yes written all over him.

wurwolf: WHOA! There is a Bobby! How precog of you, Lita!

Lita: He's not the one who looks like Tommy's brother, though. I was off by one.

wurwolf: Well.... yeah. That and just about everyone in these tracts are named Bob, Tom or Tim, or some derivative thereof.

wurwolf: "Souls haw haw!" I love it.

Lita: Tommy the Elder has some Benicio Del Toro in him.

Lita: Lew Siffer. That's totally subtle, Chick Tracts.

Lita: Siffer doesn't have horns. Yet.

wurwolf: Well... Lew Siffer is quite clever, but I hope people call him Lewis Siffer just to mess with him.

wurwolf: "You can call me Lew if you like." No. I just want to call you Lewis.

Lita: He couldn't even be a Luis. He had to go with the weird spelling.

wurwolf: Oh, he's such an angel of light, with his white suit and glowing aura. *rolls eyes*

Lita: You know who Lew's reminding me of?

wurwolf: Satan: Master of the World, Agent to the Stars, and Sandwich Promoter.

wurwolf: Actually, I think Satan is John McCrea of CAKE. He shaved his goatee, but we all know that CAKE is the devil.

wurwolf: Are you kidding me? Is Chick Publications making the bold statement that music comes from Satan?

Lita: I'm not at all surprised.

wurwolf: Huh. I wonder what the difference between hard rock and heavy rock is.

Lita: I can't help but wonder why Mr. Siffer waited until the 1960s to unveil his master evil plan to destroy all souls. I mean, many Christians agree we're either in or approaching the End Times. Cutting it a little close, aren't you Lew?

Lita: If it were such an awesome plan he should have started in a lot sooner. We could be waltzing to Beethoven's "Janie's Got A Gun" right now.

wurwolf: Was Satan listening to the same music I was listening to in the 70s? I hardly think "Chick A Boom" and "Baby I'm A Want You" classify as heavy rock.

Lita: Sorry, wurwolf. Soft Rock doesn't exist anymore. It ended in the 60's. That's why you see all the kids headbanging to Michael Bolton and Butterfly Kisses.

wurwolf: I like that the crooners introduced the world to Satan. Damn you, Bing Crosby!

Lita: I was at the dentist last week and "Bridge Over Troubled Water" came on the radio and I was afraid for the safety of my teeth with all the moshing that suddenly broke out in there.

wurwolf: Satan has even inflitrated your dentist office. Shameful.

wurwolf: Lew's explanation of music sounds an awful lot like the song "Sympathy for the Devil"

Lita: All the Green Angels have the WTF expressions you would expect from watching Satan's little presentation, except Tommy The Elder. He's just like, "This is hardcore. Let's roll."

wurwolf: Absolutely. He's had a taste of what $500 can bring, and he's not going back.

wurwolf: Motley Crue was around in the 70s? I'm calling bullshit on that.

Lita: Wait... Satan's trying to destroy education? But I thought education was his baby. On account of all teachers hating god and pushing Evolution and dinosaurs and gays and stuff.

wurwolf: Perhaps a different writer wrote this tract.

Lita: All music made after the 50's sounds the same? D... Dad? Is that you???

wurwolf: I'm having a hard time following Lew's reasoning there.

wurwolf: Sweet! They're part of the wolf pack! AWESOME!

Lita: If you think pastors who let rock music in are wimpy just try rocking out the worship service in any church service my dad attends.

wurwolf: "Let's move on" I love the way Lew talks. He's quite the motivational speaker.

Lita: He must have sensed that we were running out of things to say about that panel. He's very considerate.

wurwolf: So let's track the progression of Satan's music. It starts in his Satanist church, then straight to the Catholic church, then onto voodoo (which, I'm not sure how the Catholics and voodoo are mixed up), and then from voodoo to the entire world.

wurwolf: Yeah. Sure. I can buy that.

Lita: You never listened to Wall of Voodoo? It's great. o/` I'm on a Mexican radio! I'm on a Mexican, wooah-oh, radio! o/`

wurwolf: No, I've never even heard of them.

Lita: They only had one hit, but it was a good one.

wurwolf: "But they'll die for their rock and rolls gods." I gotta admit, Chick tracts isn't doing a good job of making me not want to be in Satan's band.

Lita: "Starting from my church*" "*The Satanist church" Thanks, Tract. I wasn't sure by this point who we were dealing with here.

wurwolf: Yeah really. Because the name Lew Siffer was too hard to figure out.

wurwolf: By the way, I don't know how many times I've read the name "Siffer" and thought it said "Stiffler". It's like, "This guy Stiffler is really load--" Oh. Siffer.

wurwolf: "Let's give them a big New York welcome." Yep. Because if you're going to sin, you should sin big. In New York.

Lita: When Satan labels you, you stay labled. Once a stupid little jerk, always a stupid little jerk.

wurwolf: Wow. That's a great panel. "We're gonna rock with the ROCK!" Prudential?

Lita: You know what I've always found striking about the Christian rock groups I've listened to? All the Satanic imagery. They always have demons flying around and stuff. Because Christians aren't sensitive about that kind of thing.

wurwolf: Yeah, they're big on that stuff.

wurwolf: "I love um!" Really? Um?

Lita: Is their animatronic demon saying "They're the greatest"?

wurwolf: Ha! It is! What brilliant promotion!

Lita: Oh, wait. I get it. They're not animatronic demons. They're real demons because demons love any song with a beat.

wurwolf: That Lew, he's the best manager ever!

Lita: They can't marry each other because it'll wreck their image? They can't marry each other because it's the mid-80's and it's illegal.

Lita: But check out Satan, taking a stand against homosexual marriage!

Lita: I have to admit, I'm genuinely surprised that a Chick tract would take this stance.

Lita: I now realize that as loving compassionate Christians we should stand up against the hate that Satan keeps spewing and legalize gay marriage. Thank you, Chick Tracts. Thank you.

wurwolf: You're reading it wrong. Chick wants you to know that NO ONE likes homosexual marriage. Not even Satan.

wurwolf: Satan can hand out AIDS for wedding presents? I thought AIDS was God's judgment against homosexuality.

wurwolf: Way to steal God's bit, Satan!

wurwolf: "He's skin and bones. He looks like death." "So he's got AIDS. Big deal!" Wow. Just.... wow.

Lita: That's something I've noticed about rock fans. They hate having friends.

wurwolf: It's part of the pact they sign with Satan.

Lita: Also tons of Christian rock fans wear leather jackets with a No Cross symbol on the back.

wurwolf: I see that jacket in all of the fancy clothing stores here in Manhattan.

Lita: Holy crap! Tommy the Elder's name really is Tom! I'm so psychic today!

Lita: Or else I've read way more Chick Tracts than is healthy for me.

wurwolf: I'm going with choice #2. Also, if you're psychic, that means you're going straight to hell.

wurwolf: I love that she's slipping a Chick tract into Tom's pocket.

Lita: Look how tall Tommy the Elder is. Rock Music has made him larger than life. He's a living legend.

wurwolf: You're absolutely right. Tall people are of the devil.

wurwolf: "Embrace me, Love of Death"?? What kind of crappy lyrics are these?

wurwolf: I like that one guy in the audience is wearing a Cream jacket.

Lita: Do you suppose Chick Tracts were aware of the band Cream, or is it just a coincidence?

wurwolf: Right away I want to say that it's a coincidence, because I seriously doubt that Chick tracts has ever heard of Eric Clapton, let alone Cream. But then I realize that this was written in the 1980s and it's not like Chick would be up on any current bands. If they had to pick one band to put on someone's jacket, I'm not surprised that it's a band from 20 years before.

wurwolf: Don is into vampirism? Really? That's the best they could come up with?

Lita: Yeah, that's a fairly common Rock and Roll lifestyle problem.

wurwolf: What tract is Tommy the Elder reading?

Lita: Looks like The Contract. We haven't done it, have we?

wurwolf: No, but we should. It looks fucking awesome.

wurwolf: And apparently it's so powerful that even after reading the first panel Tommy the Elder gets saved.

Lita: All I've seen is the first panel and I agree with Tommy the Elder. The first panel rules.

Lita: I knew it! As soon as Tommy the Elder gets wise we see that the devil is actually ugly with horns and a red face and stuff!

wurwolf: Yep!

wurwolf: "Not any more, Lew Stiffler!"

Lita: "I'm gonna go have sex with your mom!"

wurwolf: He's preaching to a bunch of old people. Like they're going to do anything other than agree with him by shaking their heads and saying, "Tsk tsk."

wurwolf: Oh great. Another call for a book burning.

Lita: And a call for self-crucifixion.

Lita: That's so punk rawk!


Lita: Next time on Holeee Cow... The Contract!

wurwolf: You bet!


no springs said...

Wow, are you guys like really back for real? Cool! And you even gave me a shoutout in the intro! Well, in the words of Lew Siffer, let’s move on.

Your subbing of Jesus for other words was flipping hysterical.

Wouldn’t Lew Siffer know that Motley Crue is spelled with umlauts?

Wulfie, Wall of Voodoo were a cool, quirky little band. “Mexican Radio” was one of the classic songs of the early MTV Generation. Their cover of “Ring of Fire” is also a great tune.

I love how Lew is totally ripping them a new a-hole in one panel (“I’ll tell you what to do so shut up and listen!”), and in the next panel he’s Guy Smiley, with his shiny aura restored. In the panel where he’s yelling, he looks like Eliot Spitzer. How’s THAT for a timely riff?

Wow, Bobby wants to marry Carmine Appice??? Other than a brief stint drumming for Rod Stewart, there’s nothing even REMOTELY gay about Carmine Appice!

If Satan wants these bands to serve his purpose and spread his message, why would he kill one with a heart attack? I can understand the Aids thing – that was revenge. But why knock off the bass player?

I’m thinking the “Cream” on the back of the jacket might be for Cream Magazine. Like he’s a reporter/photographer for Cream, covering this awesome concert.

Look how thoroughly depressed Tom looks once he’s saved and addressing that crowd! Chick, shouldn’t you be trying to make us believe he’s HAPPIER now that he’s abandoned the devil?

“Burn anything you have associated with rock music”** - Acts 19:19. That’s the first I’ve heard that The Bible mentions rock music!

Stellar job as usual, ladies. Looking forward to The Contract!

wurwolf said...

Are we back? I don't know. My boss is out of the office for a month, so I've got time to kill! When he comes back, who knows what will happen.

In rereading this tract, there are a lot of things we missed out on. I nearly missed the awesome lyrics to "We're gonna rock rock rock with the ROCK!" I don't feel like I did a very good job of observing the inanity in this tract, but what can I say? I'm a little rusty.