Monday, July 31, 2006

It's the Law

Time for some good ol' fashioned hating on teachers with our take on Chick Publication's tract about the 10 Commandments in It's the Law.

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Lita: Oh good! Looks like we get to bag on teachers this time around! You know how I love these.

wurwolf: This one's totally about the teacher-bashing.

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Lita: And already in the first two panels we've leaped with both feet far outside the realm of anything that would happen in real life.

Lita: If this teacher tried to pull this there would be parental phone calls. She'd be reprimanded so hard.

wurwolf: Okay, you're a teacher. Suppose some kid turned in something that mentioned part of another religion, like Islam or Buddhism or even something wacky like Scientology. Would you give them an F and specifically tell them it was because they wrote about the 10 Commandments?

Lita: In college you can flunk kids just because you disagree with their papers. This looks like, what? 5th grade? You have to be more reasonable than that.

wurwolf: I mean, even if you wanted to give them an F because you totally disagree with the content, would you tell them that you were giving them an F for that reason? It's crazy.

Lita: You can't flunk a kid just because he belongs to a religion you don't endorse. Now, if the assignment were to write a report about our solar system and he turned in his essay on The Ten Commandments, then she would have something to gripe about.

Lita: Also, "it's all a lie"? What? The 10 Commandments? Is she saying they don't exist?

Lita: Bolded, underlined, and italicized. A trifecta.

wurwolf: If they could make the text blink, I'm sure they would.

wurwolf: The little blonde girl is totally laughing at Timmy getting busted.

I would. I'd be like, "He totally just admitted he just watched the movie."

There are pictures of dinosaurs on the wall. So you know that EVOLUTION is taught in this den of lies.

wurwolf: I'll bet when the teacher gets saved at the end of the tract she goes straight to her classroom and rips all of those evil dinosaur pictures off the wall.

wurwolf: The only way they could make that teacher more evil-looking is by giving her horns. They should have just gone ahead and planted them right on her head.

Lita: And if he were my kid, you bet she'd be talking to his parents tonight. She'd be talking to his parents as soon as they could get on the phone. The principal would be talking to his parents too. So would the school board.

wurwolf: The people who write for Chick Tracts really don't understand the legal system and how to make it work for you.

Lita: I haven't read ahead at all. But she's going to talk to this kid's parents tonight. Is this kid the Son of Bob?

wurwolf: I don't think so.... this kid's last name is Johnson. Bob's last name is Williams.

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wurwolf: Oh yeah.... Tim is Bob's nephew. He's setting loose UNCLE BOB on his teacher.

wurwolf: I'll bet every little kid wishes they had an Uncle Bob who would go do battle for them against their teachers.

wurwolf can't believe Timmy wasn't homeschooled, with the conservative family he has.

Lita: She will not tolerate intolerant people. Yet she is the one who is intolerant. GET IT???

Lita: How was the kid intolerant, though? I want to read his paper now. I wonder if he damned his teacher to hell in it.

Lita: "Of the 10 Commandments, my teacher has broken 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. She shall not see the gates of heaven but will instead burn in the unending fire that does not quench and there will be gnashing of teeth and clawing of flesh. Serves her right, the Lebanese whore."

Lita: Timmy meant to call his teacher a Lesbian whore, but sadly, he's failing spelling, too.

wurwolf: Is she a little person? Her arm barely looks long enough to reach the doorbell.

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wurwolf: Okay, the kid's name is Timmy and his mom is in the hospital? Can we make him any more pathetic? Why not just call him Tiny Tim and give him a crutch already?

wurwolf: She's disappointed that she's got to talk to Bob. Oh lady.... so many people feel your pain.

Lita: "Timmy's got a problem. He's pushing his religion in our school." For one thing, no he wasn't. He turned in a private essay that was only read by you. No reason the other kids could see it. And teachers get witnessed to all the time. They should be used to it.

wurwolf: Oh, he's got a problem alright. What kid serves tea and cookies to visitors? He's his own grandma.

Lita: Second, so what? The separation of church and state is to keep the public schools from pushing a particular religion. That's why they're not allowed to put the 10 commandments on the walls. It doesn't stop a kid from practicing his own religion in the school or from taking it upon himself to tell others about it.

wurwolf: Kids have Bible studies and prayer groups at public schools, for crying out loud.

Lita: And you better believe that religious kids in public schools today know their rights.

Lita: Every year there's a "Meet me at the flagpole" event at public schools all over America. They gather at the flag before school and pray for the nation.

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wurwolf: Bob's revving up his snake stare.

Lita: I can see why a history teacher might think that the 10 commandments weren't sent by God or that the miracles in the stories didn't happen that way. But do any of them really think there was never a guy named Moses? That the 10 Commandments never existed?

wurwolf: Kids even learn about mythology in school, so even if the teacher thought that the Bible was nothing more than a collection of fairy tales, why would it be so out of the question for kids to learn about them on that level?

Lita: She really is in trouble.

Lita: But don't worry. Bob will tell her a story and she'll believe every word. Because... uh... Bob's the one who said it this time.

wurwolf: For the first time in reading these tracts, Bob's opponent finally had the right response to him: "Who cares? I'm here to talk about Timmy." YES. Because that's the point, BOB. It's not all about you.

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wurwolf: I love that the Bible says KJV on the cover. Wouldn't want anyone thinking it was the New American Standard Version or something from the devil!

Lita: The artist doesn't want us to think he could be NIV positive.

Lita: That look that teacher is making when Bob starts his story? I made that look at least once every day of my student teaching.

wurwolf: So the teacher won't stand for proselytizing in the classroom, but she'll sit there and take it from Bob when she's there to talk about Timmy?

wurwolf: She should just leave.

Lita: She's not there to talk to Bob anyway. She's there to talk to the parents.

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wurwolf: The artist didn't draw that baby. He found a clipart of the Baby Jesus and cut out the Madonna.

Lita: But finally we have a nice picture of a nice woman. She's not all mean and scheming.

wurwolf: I know, and she's Egyptian, too! Is the artist going soft on us?

wurwolf: Adult Moses, what are you doing with your arms? That can't be comfortable. It looks really unnatural.

Lita: I actually tried that just now. It's really uncomfortable. And tiring.

Lita: Give it a shot and see if you feel like doing it for longer than 5 seconds.

Lita: (heh heh heh....)

wurwolf: Not only are my arms tired now, but I looked like a moron for five seconds.

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Lita: Moses killed The Master.

wurwolf: I was trying to figure out who he looked like.

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wurwolf is also trying to figure out the buildings in Egypt.

wurwolf: They look like modern houses from the 60s.

wurwolf: They just drew the Brady Bunch house and threw a Sphinx in the front to make you think you're looking at ancient Egypt.

Lita: A tiny lil baby Sphinx

wurwolf: It's a lawn ornament Sphinx.

Lita: There's a Romulan in the back of that crowd there.

wurwolf: They're all really happy and having a good time.

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Lita: Some history teacher. She didn't know that the Egyptians were very religious or that they had a lot of gods?

wurwolf: She needs to start stocking "Reading Egyptian Art" and "The Two Babylons" in her classroom.

Lita: And the rest of this story shouldn't be brand new to her. Didn't Timmy's essay cover it? It must have been a very poorly written essay, indeed.

wurwolf: He just wrote out the 10 Commandments on a piece of paper and turned it in. No wonder he got an F -- she had every right to flunk him.

Lita: He probably didn't cite a single source.

Lita: That's what the research paper assignments are all about, really. Teaching your kid to cite his sources.

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Lita: "Hathor had the head of a cow, so God wiped out all the cattle." My God thinks your god is ugly!!

wurwolf: "God shot down Horus, the sun god." Did this take place in the old west?

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wurwolf: Man, those poor Israelites. It is such a total drag to move.

Lita: I cannot make out a single thing in the picture where the slaves are departing.

Lita: Sometimes you can go overboard with the shading.

wurwolf: I know, same here. I see a camel and a couple of faces, and that's about it.

wurwolf: Phaayraoj's army had no idea what was about to happen? How could they not? They're on a pathway with huge walls of water being held up supernaturally on either side.

wurwolf: Were they really surprised when the water started caving in?

Lita: If you go on the tour/tram thing at Universal Studios at one point they drive you through a lake and a pathway drains out so the tram can get through.

Lita: The driver is like, "This is how they did the Red Sea dividing in The 10 Commandments!" Totally a lie. And then he's like, "Get out your cameras and take a picture at the level of water!" LAME.

wurwolf: Are you being serious?

Lita: I'm serious. I took the tour.

wurwolf: I had no idea they had a tour based on a Bible story.

Lita: The tour was based on movies Universal had made, and one of those movies was 10 Commandments.

Lita: We also saw that earthquake thing and Whoville and Jaws.

wurwolf: Bob's been on the 10 Commandments ride fifty billion times.

Lita: When the tram goes through the pond he stands up and lectures everybody there about how the tourguide is "brainwashed" and the REAL story of the 10 Commandments.

Lita: He's done it so many times that now they have Bob's picture up at the turnstile. He's not allowed to take the studio tour anymore.

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wurwolf: It looks like Bob has been beating up on the teacher. The poor thing!

wurwolf: Is God also whacking Moses around with the stone tablets?

Lita: God didn't appreciate Moses's tone.

wurwolf: God wouldn't have put that commandment in there about coveting your neighbor's ass but Moses was just getting on His last nerve.

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Lita: "Have you ever told a lie?" "Of course-- who hasn't?" "So what does that make you?" "Gulp...a liar."


wurwolf: But not Bob. He's without sin.

Lita: I don't think she'd have copped to being a liar so soon. You'd be surprised how many people don't think that telling one lie makes them liars.

wurwolf: She didn't throw down the "But it was just a white lie!" excuse.

Lita: I think Bob would have been safer to just point out that by lying that one time she has already broken a commandment. That's how most witnessing Christians tend to lean. But no. Bob has to have it all.

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wurwolf: She's standing in front of a really bright lightbulb when she admits to being a big huge paperclip thief.

wurwolf: Either that, or a blotch of white paint on the wall.

Lita: Bob's got her in his Sinner Interrogation Room. He's Bad Cop. Good Cop is being played by Jesus Christ Himself.

Lita: Look into Bob's cold dead eyes when he calls you a lying thief!

Lita: Let me tell you something, though. You're allowed to use your own paperclips in your own classroom. Budgets are tight, but they're not that bad. A lot of the time the teachers end up buying their own office supplies anyway.

wurwolf: I think the artist should just go all out and draw the spirals in Bob's eyes when he's doing his full-on snake stare.

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Lita: What's Timmy crying about in the next room? Did Bob belt him for his hamfisted attempt at serving tea and cookies?

wurwolf: He's sobbing, for Pete's sake. Bob is so abusive.

Lita: I can barely even pay attention to the teacher's stupid attempt to get into heaven through good works. I'm too distracted by the child abuse PSA happening right under her nose.

wurwolf: She no longer cares about poor Tiny Tim. It's all about her now.

Lita: You know, Bob, teachers are required by law to report child abuse. I know the Bible tells you not to spare the rod, but you probably shouldn't beat on the kid while the teacher is right there.

wurwolf: He can do anything he wants. She's hypnotized.

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wurwolf: Bob's staring into that picture like the answer to life is hidden among the pine trees.

Lita: Ewww.... why would Jesus want to be born into a minority group?

wurwolf: Poor Jesus.

Lita: I wonder why Bob phrased it that way. He could have said "oppressed race" and it would have been more accurate and less... I don't know. Racially insensitive?

wurwolf: I notice that in the stock footage of the Crucifixion you only ever see one cross. The two thieves are nowhere to be found.

Lita: They're lying paperclip thieves and thus are not worthy of their own stock footage.

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wurwolf: I think the teacher is a shapeshifter. Her face is all over the place.

Lita: She is Clayface and her disguise is melting.

wurwolf: Here she is, down on the floor. You know, if someone were to PEEK in the window and see Timmy sobbing in the corner and the teacher down on the floor covering her head, Bob could be a in a lot of trouble.

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wurwolf: Either someone's grabbing Timmy around the middle or his arm is at a really weird angle.

Lita: "Thank God I flunked Timmy!" No kidding. He's not quite the brightest bulb on the string, is he?

wurwolf: He was gonna be held back anyway.

Lita: "So are you going to change my grade now?" "No, you're still failing." And then everybody dissolves into mirthful end-of-sitcom laughter.

Lita: Ha ha!

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2001 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)


Anonymous said...

This one is a classic in my mind if only for the image of the teacher thinking "Oh brother, how did I get into this?" Finally, a character reacts the way a true-to-life person would when put in such a situation. Usually the people in these tracts react with anger, but she just curses herself for winding up in another fine mess! I also like her face here b/c she looks like one of those people Dave Berg would draw in his "The Lighter Side Of . . ." strips (in Mad Magazine).

Hathor - I'm sorry, I have looked at Hathor's picture from every angle and I cannot make out anything that looks like a cow's head. I see a loaf of bread with Yosemite Sam's moustache on top. What am I missing???

Nut - "God hit Nut with these two plagues and she was unable to protect the Egyptians." By saying it this way, isn't Bob kind of acknowledging that Nut existed? I mean, even if she was no match for God and all?

And ditto on Timmy's arm in that last panel. I was thinking the same thing. The Bob-artist seems to go out of his way to have his characters not just stand with arms at their sides. He must feel it makes the strips more visually stimulating. (And based on the fact that we love to rip his tracts apart, I guess he'd be right . . .)

Another fine job!
- ns (bw bw)

Anonymous said...

Nut - "God hit Nut with these two plagues and she was unable to protect the Egyptians."
So what was this? God hit the Egyptian gods in the two Nuts? :rollin

I know, that was bad.

Anyway, is it just me, or does anyone else think Unca Bob looks like a stoned clone of Vincent Price in that one panel?