Thursday, July 06, 2006

It's Coming!

The next tract in our ongoing series is called It's Coming!

Lita: The first thing I'm noticing is that Bob has terrible reception.

wurwolf: He's got a flat screen tv, but a computer from the 1950's?

Lita: Is Bob getting a call from Dinosaur Man?

wurwolf: Yup, Jason calls Bob to talk about the weather, and Bob uses it as a springboard to foist his beliefs on him.

Lita: Figures he'd be fool enough to think he can make any kind of innocent off-hand remark around Bob.

wurwolf: Dinosaur Man is just asking for it, really.

wurwolf: Does Bob go around talking to people all the time about that crazy flood?

Lita: I guess so.

Lita: I feel for Jason, though. I have insane cousins too.

Lita: Not scary screechy cross-eyed cousins with badass be-turtlenecked boyfriends, but they are insane.

wurwolf: She looks really insane. As usual, the villain is crazy with anger.

wurwolf: Is Jason angry with his cousin or agreeing with her? It could go either way.

Lita: He looks resigned to his fate to me.

wurwolf: Jason and his cousin are sharing the tiniest umbrella ever. I think it's a parasol, actually.

Lita: Bob answers his door like the world's happiest lumberjack.

wurwolf: I like how she needs to know if that's Bob. You're going to his house, aren't you?

Lita: I like the cousin's hair, though. Stylish.

Lita: So. Bob says it's been proven that the world is only 6,000 years old. But by whom? Is anybody going to bother to actually find that book plugged at the bottom of the panel?

wurwolf: And it's a book that was published by Chick Publications, not an unbiased source.

Lita: Uh oh. Check it out. The cousin is taking... college courses...

Lita: dun dun DUUUUUNNNNN!!!!

wurwolf: Life Sciences, huh? That sure sounds suspicious, in a vague way.

wurwolf: And you know what, she's saying the same things that Bob says: "You're a little mixed up. You need help. I want you to listen to me." Isn't that what Bob tells people all the time?

Lita: Look at her skinny skinny skeletal arm. Little old lady? Life-threatening illness? Eating disorder?

Lita: It's like a witch arm.

wurwolf: Well, she's taking Life Sciences. A witch arm would be entirely possible.

wurwolf: "It's mythology, man!" That proves she's someone who doesn't know what she's talking about.

Lita: Really, I can't root for the cousin or for Bob here. They both like to bust into other people's houses to berate them for their beliefs.

wurwolf: They deserve each other, those two crazy kids.

Lita: I hope both of them end up completely adopting the other person's system of faith. I hope they then feel obligated to re-convert the other back to what they believed before. I hope that in this way they will do battle until the end of time.

wurwolf: That would be awesome.

wurwolf: Dinosaur Man tries to intervene between these two titans, but his cousin is having none of it. "Who cares!"

Lita: "Who cares!" Just look at the bitchface on Janet. She speaks for all of us.

Lita: She totally looks like Helen Hunt right there.

Lita: I guess Dinosaur Man was the guy in the car with Janet. I thought he was a different guy because of the coat. I called him her boyfriend.

Lita: I guess his being her cousin doesn't rule out his being her boyfriend. That's legal in many parts of the country. I wonder if Bob approves.

wurwolf: I don't see why he wouldn't. Cousins married each other in the Bible. Jacob married Rachel and Leah.

wurwolf: Does Bob live in a hotel lobby? His living room is kind of bare.

Lita: I think Bob has inflatable furninture. the dotted lines indicate to me that it's see-through.

Lita: Check the picture of corrupted men there!

wurwolf: I think they took that picture on Halloween night.

Lita: I think I see a pirate and a triclops and some kissing ugly dudes

Lita: And a ninja and a monk and an Asian guy

wurwolf: I think there's a werewolf in there, too.

Lita: And a witch.

Lita: But I don't think that guy in the middle is actually evil. He just looks confused. Like, "Where the hell did all these freaks come from all the sudden?"

wurwolf: "I was just sitting down to watch American Idol, and all of a sudden I'm surrounded by this!"

Lita: Just like me when I visit my cousins.

wurwolf: Noah's handsome like Charlton Heston, though.

Lita: Noah is hot.

wurwolf: I'm going to point out every time the author misspells judgment. Here's the first.

Lita: I admit I prefer the author's way.

wurwolf: Bob's font changes when he quotes the Bible. I wonder if he's putting on a different voice.

Lita: The whole Bible is there for the taking and he chooses to directly quote the dimensions of the ark?

Lita: Maybe next he could prove the age of the Earth by reciting all the geneology verses.

wurwolf: Noah's got a well lit draft room there. Very nice.

Lita: Check it out! Pterodactyls or however they're spelled!

wurwolf: The artist loves the pterodactyls. They're shoehorned in everywhere.

wurwolf: You'd think that every bird in the world is going to be trying to perch on top of that ark in the flood.

Lita: Noah chucked a bunch of broken bottles up there to keep them off. This was before the EPA and PETA.

wurwolf: Oh no! Janet is choking on her gum! Someone help her out!

Lita: Dinosaur Man is just as baffled by her reaction as the rest of humanity.

Lita: I mean that he, like humanity, is baffled by her reaction. Not that her reaction baffles him as much as humanity does.

Lita: Though that could also be true.

wurwolf: Let's face it, though, Dinosaur Man gets baffled easily.

Lita: I wouldn't think some Commie liberal college educated athiest 90's power woman is going to be going on about Mother Earth. That's more of a hippy line.

wurwolf: That's too New Age for her.

wurwolf: The "high level of civilization" looks a lot like the pictures of old Mesopotamia.

wurwolf: Fu Manchu and Elvira are thinking about doing it in front of their pet monkey.

Lita: That guy is evil, so he gets a totally rad scar on the side of his head. He got it through evil works.

Lita: Maybe by going at it in front of the monkey.

Lita: You have to be careful how you behave in front of monkeys. They don't even like you to look at them.

wurwolf: Avoiding eye contact is key.

wurwolf: Another reminder that God created the nipple. Why is that so important to the artist?

Lita: I really don't understand this thing about God dividing the waters and placing a giant canopy of water around it on day 2

Lita: Or how that helped people live to be 900.

wurwolf: It's manly scientific stuff, honey. You're not supposed to understand it.

Lita: Well, science is bad...

wurwolf: That's the spirit.

Lita: Awwww!!! I want to go on the triceratops ride!!!

wurwolf: Okay, I'm confused by that panel. It looks like the kid is on a statue of a triceratops.

wurwolf: It's like the statues in the zoo, and he climbed up and wants his picture taken.

Lita: It is the desire of all kids, when they see a statue of a triceratops, to climb it. I have done so myself.

wurwolf: And you know what else? For all the pre-flood advanced civilization talk, I don't see anyone driving around in cars or flying an airplane.

Lita: Who needs an airplane when you can fly on a pterodactyl?

wurwolf: Good point.

wurwolf: There are more dinosaurs than regular animals going on that ark.

Lita: Did Noah really need to bring a hippo on the ark? Don't they pretty much live in the water anyway?

Lita: I probably needn't point out that the hippo is smaller than that zebra's butt.

wurwolf: Hippos were tiny back then.

Lita: I don't know what that thing is behind the mastadon, but it looks like it's just poking out of the top of the mastadon's head.

Lita: I figured we were going to find out that dinosaurs died out in the flood, but I guess not. Looks like Noah brought them aboard.

Lita: Yet he would not save the unicorn. :o(

wurwolf: The door on the ark looks really high up. If the door was meant to reach the ground like a ramp, then it would be a really steep ramp.

Lita doesn't have much to say about the next row

Lita doesn't have much to say about the row after that either

wurwolf: Me neither. Let's skip down to after the flood and the whirlpools, because I'm totally calling bullshit on the claim that their skeletal remains are our fossils of today.

Lita: I'm just entranced by that archaeologist and his huge bone.

Lita: But tell me about the fossils.

wurwolf: I could buy that, except that the only fossils that paleontologists are finding are dinosaur skeletons. So what happened to the people and other mammals?

wurwolf: Why aren't they finding those skeletons?

Lita: God hated those people so He crushed them into a fine powder.

Lita: He didn't tell us about that part because we don't need to know everything.

wurwolf: I guess not.

wurwolf: I love the cartoon archeologist. I expect him to be saying, "Dr. Livingston, I presume?"

Lita: He looks so happy and relieved. Like, "Oh, thank God I found a bone! Now I can get out of this heat!"

Lita: He just needed to find one bone so he can go back to the archaeology convention and the other archaeologists wouldn't laugh at him.

wurwolf: He was one step away from buying a bone at a butcher's shop, just to save face.

wurwolf: I like how the rainbow and the promise of not destroying the earth by water is tempered by "....the next time it will be by fire."

wurwolf: Let's not leave on a high note!

wurwolf: Bob's look has been creeping me out, but never more so than in the next panel. Is he trying to look like Hitler?

Lita: It's the hair and the moustache. He's been giving me a Hitler vibe since we met him.

wurwolf: This tract is only meant for the superior race.

Lita: I don't understand the artist's choice there. How could they not notice the similarity?

wurwolf: You'll see in future tracts that they recycle that picture of Jesus standing under a tree, just like they recycle the crucifixion picture.

wurwolf: It's clipart, like mnftiu or Get Your War On.

wurwolf: Oh no! The cousin is choking again! What's with the violence against women?

Lita: Why does she immediately believe that Bob is telling the truth and that the professors are lying? I guess a mere difference in opinion is out of the question.

Lita: I guess Janet really is related to Dinosaur Man.

wurwolf: They're going to make really guillible babies.

Lita: Guillible babies with thin blood.

wurwolf: Her hair is a mess by the end of the tract.

Lita: And I liked her hair so much at the beginning.

wurwolf: She looks better coming in from a rainstorm than she does after a session with Hitler Bob.

Lita: Wouldn't we all?

wurwolf: It's Jesus or evolution. Seriously? I've known Christians who believe that evolution is part of God's plan. I guess they're going to hell.

Lita: "Lord Jesus save me. I've been so wicked."

Lita: The worst sin we were told about was taking college courses and believing her professors.

Lita: I guess no more higher education for her.

wurwolf: Nope, her education at the hands of those liberal college professors is done.

Lita: But at least she's at an age-appropriate grade-level... Jason

wurwolf: Yeah.... Jason.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2000 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)


Anonymous said...

All those other people that died in the flood turned into oil after God turned them into a fine powder.

Anonymous said...

Another great job! You two had me laughing out loud more than once.

The setup for this tract totally floored me. Okay, first, we see a news report that the rains are causing evacuations and potential mudslides. Dino Man calls Bob and tells him "this must be the worst storm in history!" So what happens when Bob's Bible-dropping gets Dino & his cousin ticked off? Bob invites them to "come on over", and they hop in the car to confront him - while this major storm is raging!

That cousin must have been really pissed since she felt her Bob-bashing couldn't wait until the weather cleared! And that Bob - he's just the angel of death, isn't he? "Come on over" he says! And "I'm glad you made it!" - yeah, sure you are, Bob. We all know you were praying that the storm would wash these book-reading heathens right into the lake of fire!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, dinosaur bones were made of steel or something, which is why they didn't totally dissolve in the floodwaters. It's been totally proven!*

*See "Dinosaur Bones Were Made of Steel or Something", (c)1989 Chick Publications.

PM from the hotel computer, Savannah, GA :o)

MadameBoffin said...

hahahahahaahahahahaha :D That's classic, guys! Personally, I think Chick's going to hell because surely stupid people are't allowed into heaven ;)

Anonymous said...

and another thing . . .

you mentioned the bad reception on Bob's TV; it looks like there's just as much static on his wallpaper. and his chair. and his rug!

it's funny how the talent level of the artists varies from tract to tract.

ns (bw bw)

Luke said...

I love your Chick dissection! I found your link through a comment you left on my site. :-)

Anonymous said...

In real life she would have stormed out after screaming a few talking points at Bob. Then years later, when she realized there were no jobs for her, she would have joined a OWS movement. She would have been robbed and/or violated, but she'd claim it was the first time she felt she belonged somewhere.