Monday, November 20, 2006

The Missing Day

In honor of Thanksgiving, we invited our friend Rimmi over to help us read this week's special Thanksgiving tract. That's right, Bob's Bible Series is taking another break this week so we can talk all about The Missing Day. Have you noticed how nobody celebrates Thanksgiving anymore? How children don't even know what the word "Thanksgiving" means? How they never even heard of Pilgrims? Chick Tracts noticed that too, and now they're out to set us all straight. Enjoy this steaming turkey!

wurwolf: First, a big welcome to Rimmi, our guest riffer.

Rimmi: Yeah! I guess that means I have to be funny though.

Lita: If you aren't it'll be ok. You'll be just like real holiday guests who just show up and suck the joy out of everything good and wonderful about the festivities.

Rimmi: Okay! Thanks!

wurwolf: Chick tracts takes on the mafia!

Lita: "It'll be on time. I hope they will." She's talking about her monthlies. She's guilt tripping the husband about that mishap last night.

wurwolf: Ew. I don't like the idea of these two procreating. The hair issues alone are mind boggling.

Lita: Ok, obviously Lucy is really hoping the family will be there on time for Thanksgiving Dinner. As a member of the household that always has to host the big holiday dinners such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, I can tell you this is completely inaccurate. The longer it takes before the whole house is full of people, the better. In fact, we kind of hope they'll forget and not show up at all.

wurwolf: That is so true. I don't even mind if people just drive by and reconsider.

wurwolf: The poor little kid with hypoglycemia gets lumped in with all the other unsaved.

Rimmi: That's so sad! She sinned because she needs sugar.

Rimmi: Scratch that first riff. It sucked.

Lita: Consider it done.

Lita: None of these people even want to be there. I think this carnival of hell will be eerily similar to the holiday celebrations in my house.

wurwolf: Including the people who don't want to eat your cooking, Lita?

Lita: I don't eat much of the food myself. Mostly the turkey and the mashed potatoes a roll and whatever green vegetable is there.

wurwolf: Maybe if you have a Semi-Homemade Thanksgiving, you'll be off the hook for future Thanksgivings.

Lita: There's an idea...

Rimmi: I see football is also the work of Satan.

wurwolf: I'm perfectly willing to agree with you that football is the work of Satan, Rimmi.

Rimmi: Zanah is behind the men in football who smack each other in the butt.

wurwolf: You know, all of the people there are ridiculously horrific, but the guy in the middle with the devil tattoo is just off the charts. His face is completely misshapen. Hello, Rocky Dennis!

Rimmi: The sweaty guy in the bottom left hand corner is a sinner because he forgot to blow his nose.

Rimmi: I love the chick in the top right hand side who is thinking, "Hic"

Lita: She's thinking about her hiccups. She doesn't really have them.

Rimmi: Does she have eyes?

wurwolf: Nice to see Lil' Orphan Annie showed up for the party.

wurwolf: "I've got PCP and crack-- How much you got?"

Lita: I know exactly which of my cousins that would be.

Rimmi: I love how the people in the picture even look shocked by the guests.

Lita: But there is a stirring satire on the people who are in favor of the war of Iraq in that fat dude who wants Uncle Mort dead.

wurwolf: I've been trying to figure that out, Lita. I'm wondering what stereotype he's supposed to be representing.

Rimmi: The woman in the picture is all 'Oh my!' but in the next panel when Mortimer shows up she's smiling. These pictures are like paintings in Harry Potter books.... but that can't be right. This is a Chick tract!

wurwolf: A bowl of popcorn is so glad that Uncle Mortimer came!

Lita: A bowl of popcorn sounds really good right now.

Lita: Oh my! It has become so unpopular to use the overtly Christian name "Thanksgiving" that nobody even knows what it is anymore! They think it's really called "Turkey Day!"

wurwolf: They had to ban the reading of the Thanksgiving story in the Bible from some public places. Those bastards at the ACLU were all over it.

Rimmi: That chick next to Mortimer is angry and rightly so! His elbow is on her bow, choking her.

Lita: Fang wants some sushi!

Lita: And Willie and Nellie Oleson are happy to oblige him!

wurwolf: Fang really gets around. He's a member of every household in these tracts. I'll bet he's in and out of the dog shelter a lot.

Lita: That's what happens when dogs become fashion accessories in stead of family companions. They become disposable.

Rimmi: Nellie Oleson arrives to help feed Fang.

Lita: Rimmi's stealing my line!

Rimmi: Sorry.

wurwolf: Rimmi, quit it!

Lita whispers to wurwolf, "I hope Rimmi stays in a hotel next year"

wurwolf whispers back, "Really."

Rimmi whispers back a raspberry!

wurwolf: WTF?! Since when can't kids say "Thanksgiving" in school?! My goodness, Chick Tracts think that kids aren't allowed to say anything in school: Jesus, the Bible, Thanksgiving, queers....

Rimmi: Mortie has wobble lines around his head. This "No Thanksgiving" thing is giving him tremors.

wurwolf: Uncle Mort looks like an egg with out of style glasses.

Lita: If Nellie's never heard of Thanksgiving, then what does she think the whole family is over at Aunt Lucy's for?

Lita: I'm sorry, Chick Tracts, but your assertion that children today have never heard of Thanksgiving falls flat in the face of the evidence.

wurwolf: I can see them saying that we've forgotten to give thanks to God for all we have, but to say that children have never heard of Thanksgiving is completely unfounded.

Lita: And children do know the story of Thanksgiving, although many of them also have the added knowledge that lots of that story is a bunch of fluffy feel-good hokum.

Lita: @!!!**! makes its grand reappearance.

wurwolf: Lucy wore her best muumuu for dinner. Jeez, lady, way to dress up.

wurwolf: I like how Lucy is telling everyone to shut up. That kind of talk is usually reserved for the unsaved.

Rimmi: I love how the Puritans wanted to "reach the lost" so they sailed to America where they didn't really expect anyone to be.

wurwolf: Jeez, could they cram any more Dutch stereotypes in there? As someone of Dutch descent, I take offense.

wurwolf: Although, this being a Chick tract, I guess I should be glad they're not mentioning pot smorking, gay marriage and legalized prostitution.

Lita: I'm surprised that Mort isn't pushing the "they were being religiously oppressed at home" angle of the story.

Rimmi: They are just scaring some little Dutch girl by pointing at her.

Lita: Usually part of the story involves them coming to America for religious freedom.

wurwolf: Religious freedom, exactly. Nothing about reaching the lost.

wurwolf: I can't tell if the Puritans are urpy because of the rat-infested food or because they're seasick. Probably both.

Lita: Man. Women had it rough in the old days. If the husband was going to vomit it was the wife's responsibility to put her hand over his mouth to hold back the hurl.

Lita: Maybe she weighed her options and thought, "If he hurls on my hand I have to wash my hand, but if he hurls on the rat then the rat runs all over and I have to clean the whole boat."

wurwolf: Smart thinking.

Rimmi: I love the dude puking in his hat! Good times!

wurwolf: It's the party boat!

wurwolf: The guy in the back isn't nauseated, he just doesn't want to see any more.

wurwolf: "...but something watched them from behind the trees." So the Native Americans were things.

Lita: Oh. I thought maybe he meant The Devil

wurwolf: Maybe he means us. We're certainly watching from behind the trees here.

Lita: And The Devil totally eats Goodie Whipple's hat, so John Smith has to battle The Devil to the death and there's a huge fight and most of the Indians in North America are killed or relocated in the ensuing melee, but in the end John Smith wins and then they ate a turkey to celebrate.

wurwolf: Oh, so that's the real story of Thanksgiving! They withheld that from me in school!

Lita: If you'd read your bible more you might know that story.

wurwolf: I am ashamed.

Rimmi: Snakes, wolves and bears: OH MY!

wurwolf: "Where they landed were no houses, no restaurants." Too bad, if they'd have landed a couple of miles south they would have hit a town with a Burger King.

Lita: "God let them find corn that had been buried by the Indians." And it was ok, because it wasn't like the Indians planted that corn for a reason or anything.

wurwolf: Too bad if they did. Hide your women and don't accept any blankets -- the whities have arrived!

Lita: They were a bunch of godless savages, so they probably would have just squandered the corn anyway. I bet they only buried it as a ritual to one of their stupid gods. Jerkheads. Rejecting Jesus that way.

wurwolf: Totally serves them right.

Lita: Really, they were pretty much asking for their civilization and culture to be decimated in the name of God.

Rimmi: But the Indians were lost so it was okay. Seriously, they had no idea where they were.

Lita: Wow. Apparently Death was, literally, all around them.

Rimmi: What is the guy behind Death wearing?

Lita: A toga. The Pilgrims had a wild party last night.

Lita: I like how that vulture is sitting next to that little naked starving pilgrim dude, like, "I'll wait."

Rimmi: I wanna see Death point his finger into the sky and take down those birds.

wurwolf: Death is all, "Hey look, you guys, there's my house over there!"

Lita: "Those that could..."? As Bob has taught us, you are never to weak or ill or starving to get down on your knees and wave your lumpy butt in the air and pray.

wurwolf: Man, the Pilgrim dad looks totally soused. He really tied one on last night!

Lita: That kid has a black eye. Pilgrim Dad is a mean drunk.

Lita: Someone stepped out from behind the trees. They'd been hanging out back there all this time.

wurwolf: How did the Native Americans manage to survive the winter, just hanging out by the trees, waiting for the Pilgrims to pray to their god?

Lita: What else did they have to do? Tend their corn that the Pilgrims dug up?

Rimmi: Native Americans: We can't do anything unless they ask. It's the only way they will learn. It's called Tough Parenting.

Rimmi: Full circle! The Pilgrims are lost. God sends someone to reach them.

wurwolf: I see, so when the Pilgrims left to reach the lost, little did they know that they would be the lost! O, the IRONY!

Rimmi: Native American next to Squanto: You have a little something on your cheek there...

Lita: When I was a little kid and we'd learn about Thanksgiving in my public school like all American kids do every Thanksgiving at state-funded public schools we'd always laugh at Squanto's name. Because it was Squanto. And we were 6.

Lita: Indians: Thanks for inviting us for dinner, dudes. We didn't know what we were gonna do. We planted some corn, but something happened to it.

Lita: Pilgrims: God probably didn't let your corn grow because you're all savages. Let's eat!

wurwolf: Two of the Indians aren't praying. They're going to hell.

Lita: wurwolf, they're all going to hell. They worship nature and call the wind Mariah and whatnot.

wurwolf: Brad is really hanging on Uncle Mortimer. Back off, little dude. Ever hear of personal space?

Lita: I think that woman back there doesn't quite have the figure for such a tight dress.

Rimmi: The Nuke 'em dude looks like he's holding a Ball jam jar rather than a beer can since beer cans rarely have a screw on ridges on the top.

wurwolf: That's right, Mom, beer and apple pie will save you!

wurwolf: Gross, Uncle Mortimer needs a haircut.

Lita: When was Thanksgiving our most honored day?

Rimmi: Sometime in 1804 maybe?

Lita: That must be why I never thought it was that big a deal.

wurwolf: Er.... Chick Tracts. You keep misspelling judgment.

Rimmi: Those Harry Potteresque pictures in back of Uncle Mortie are still moving. Again, I thought Harry Potter was the devil so why are these tracts stealing these ideas?

wurwolf: The dude in the picture is give Uncle Mort the thumbs up.

Rimmi: But he shouldn't be doing that! The picture is possessed by a demon!!!!

Lita: I think they're both dudes in that picture.

Lita: Really, the ranting and raving that God will judge nations that don't thank Him enough is the beginning of the slippery slope to, "God sent that hurricane because of the gays!"

wurwolf: It's the way a lot of Christians believe.

Lita: Yes, I know. Unfortunately they're very vocal about that.

wurwolf: I think there's a gay uncle in the mix. Everyone's yelling at Uncle Mortimer for preaching the gospel and this one uncle says "Kiss me!"

wurwolf: He's also wearing earrings at the dinner table. Yep, he's gay alright.

Rimmi: I think the gay uncle is the one from the top of the tract that was sweating and hadn't blown his nose.

Lita: That's his partner sitting next to him complaining that Mort calls him wicked. Apparently Mort has blamed hurricanes and terrorist attacks on him.

wurwolf: Everyone's giving off beams of light.

Lita: Oh, how delightful! Nuke 'em Uncle is too angry to eat, yet he is eating even as he makes the observation! Oh, my side is hurting!

Lita: I kind of wonder why the relative at the bottom of the frame hates the name Jesus. We're meant to believe it is because he or she is so lost that the very name strikes fear or disgust in his or her heart. More likely, though, that this is not the first time Mort started sermonizing at family gatherings and this relative is just sick of hearing about it.

wurwolf: I've gotta agree with the latter.

wurwolf: They all switched seats from the last panel. Uncle Mortimer didn't want to sit next to the sweaty uncle so he moved to the other side of the table.

Lita: The gay couple is missing. What happened to them?

Lita: Did they leave the party in disgust? Did God smite them right there at the table?

wurwolf: They're there, it's just that everyone at the table moved around.

Rimmi: The sweaty uncle is the gay one. His partner is next to Mortie.

Lita: Oh, I see. It makes sense that he's the one who hates Jesus' name, then. It is not uncommon for gay men to lose their faith in Christ because of Christians who do not hesitate to tell them how much Jesus hates them at every opportunity.

Rimmi: Looks like the sweaty, gay uncle is eating eggs sunny side up for Thanksgiving.

wurwolf: What's a Thanksgiving tract without a little gore?

Lita: Wow. That pharisee has some good aim. Right into the Savior's ear!

wurwolf: Jesus happened to walk right through a watermelon seed spitting contest.

Lita: I think that look on Christ's face is exactly the look I would make at the exact moment of impact when somebody is hocking a loogie down my ear canal.

wurwolf: Good job on the part of the artist.

wurwolf: The gay dude with the earrings is so outraged he stopped with his fork halfway up.

Lita: Well, really. Is "everybody in here is going to burn in Hell for eternity like the filthy sinners they are" really dinner talk? He should wait for dessert for that kind of thing.

wurwolf: I can't blame them for being angry. I had a relative that used to do that sort of thing and it really made the time spent with him a trial.

Lita: No, kid, you got it wrong. It's "What Would Jesus Do?" Fits the bracelet better that way.

wurwolf: The people at the table went from being outraged in one panel to hanging on Mort's every word in the next.

Lita: Jesus did something only God could do... Get crucified by a group of Spanish conquistadors.

wurwolf: Nice back-lighting, there. Looks like a Judas Priest show.

wurwolf: I missed the part in the Bible about Satan's crowd partying. I'll have to read it again.

Lita: It's only in the King James. That version has all the best parties.

Lita: Dude. The Mormons have knocked on our door, literally, twice in the last five minutes. Stalkers!!!

wurwolf: Jesus is standing amongst some freshly baked rolls.

Lita: Wow. There's an actual demon sitting next to Nellie Oleson for the lumpy butt scene.

wurwolf: Seriously? That's weird. And is that Lucy saying "How insulting?"

Lita: Yes. And she's just now figuring out that she shouldn't have invited Mort.

Rimmi: Hey! Mortie says the guests at the party are lost... Like the Pilgrims sought to reach lost people, then became lost and were reached by Native Americans! Full circle!

Lita: The devil has literally blinded people! By holding his hands over their eyes!

Rimmi: But he's invisible... right?

wurwolf: That kid has some really unfortunate hair. Why do they make every kid's hair horrible in these tracts?

Lita: Well, you know kids these days.

wurwolf: I like the demon pushing the two gay men together. That demon is fostering love! Sweet!

Lita: Aww, that nice demon is giving those men a hug!

wurwolf: And he's got the heart bubbles!

wurwolf: That one demon in the front has arms growing out of his neck.

Lita: I have never heard of any self-respecting gay man calling his boyfriend "Snookums." That's something an old lady calls her yappy dog.

Rimmi: Where is Fang anyway?

wurwolf: Fang's under the table, sleeping off his sushi dinner.

Lita: Fang was smart enough to leave as soon as Mort showed up.

Rimmi: Fang must be so full of goldfish that he skipped Thanksgiving.

wurwolf: P-TCHOO! I love the guy shooting out of the hole, right into hell! Wheee!

Rimmi: Ha! Those three sinners in Hell that are in front of the sign are playing charades. I thought they said it wasn't fun down there.

wurwolf: Goodness. In hell, the demons give you titty twisters. Ouch!

wurwolf: "All parties cancelled.... but we still have the balloons!"

Lita: At least until they are all popped by stalactites and/or the heat.

Lita: My spellcheck is totally red-squiggly-lining "cancelled," by the way.

wurwolf: Naked charades and boob fondling in hell... and we're not supposed to want to go there?

Lita: There's even a fun slide.

Lita: "The only smart one in the whole bunch was the kid!"

wurwolf: Yeah, the only smart one was the kid with bad hair and personal space issues.

Lita: Uncle Mort who witnessed to him is like, "Buh?"

Rimmi: You mean Uncle Mortie wasn't smart? Gasp!

wurwolf: Well, I wouldn't go there, but evidently Chick tracts likes to leave their characters out to dry.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2005 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)


no springs said...

One of the little things that bothers me to no end with these tracts is the inappropriate word emphasis. In the second panel, after the woman insults Lucy's cooking, the man says "Shut up Martha! That's MY aunt." As if somewhere in her cooking insult she insinuated it was her aunt.

Uncle Mort walks into a room full of people and asks "Anybody home?" What a cut-up!

The utter absurdity of the sweaty gay dude saying "He's calling ME wicked?" being immediately followed by his partner saying "Kiss me!" is my favorite part of this tract. Does baldy gay have no concept of what's going on that he thinks it's an appropriate time to ask for a kiss? Or is he like "Oh my God, the way you said that made me so hot - I need you to kiss me RIGHT NOW!"

And I just noticed after going back and looking at that panel where Uncle Mort first arrives - the reason sweaty gay is so sweaty is he's gazing across the room into the horny eyes of his lover! Look, his bald head is right next to the word balloon in the lower right corner! Totally gross! One can only imagine where his hand is while this is going on.

Another winner, ladies! And congrats on a nice first effort, Rimmi!

Rimmi said...

Thanks! I think I only sucked a little on my first effort. Maybe I'll be invited back for Christmas and Easter!

Lita said...

Wow, you're right Springy! We didn't notice at the time but the gay uncle is looking at his lover while getting sweaty. Is he making kissy lips too? Please, guys, there are ugly children present.

As for "kiss me," well, you know how it is with gay men. It's like many straight guys say when they're trying to pretend they're not homophobes, "I don't mind if that guy is gay, just as long as he doesn't hit on ME!" Because a gay man just can't resist jumping anything with a penis, yo.

There's a cartoon on my tv right now with a cartoon squirrel getting a pilgrim kid and an Indian kid to be friends.

Rimmi said: Thanks! I think I only sucked a little on my first effort. Maybe I'll be invited back for Christmas and Easter!

*cough* *cough* Oh, look what time it is! I'd better go... wash my cat... or something...

ppxsaosw (a little much, don't you think, Blogger?)