The Loser

Bob helps out the youth of today in our next Chick tract, entitled The Loser.

wurwolf: When were naked people in barrels popular? Maybe the 1920's?

Lita: I thought you only got to do that when you were going over Niagara Falls or something.




Lita: That's how the gangs roll in the ghetto. They push you over their friend who's kneeling behind you.

Lita: Then they brandish deadly twigs and chase you.

wurwolf: Is this The Little Rascals or something?

Lita: I'm trying to decide who that kid is reminding me of.

Lita: He's kind of like this...

Lita: Or perhaps even like this.




wurwolf: Yeah. Because today's youth totally looks like they're from the 1920's. And say words like "turf" and things like "Death to all cowards!"

Lita: Wow. "Death to all cowards!! "

Lita: The excessive formatting means they really mean it.

wurwolf: Oh yeah. The author really has his fingers on the pulse of the kids of today. He's a tract writer for their generation!

wurwolf: Poor Tommy. He runs straight from one set of bullies, right into another: Bob.

Lita: Hence his cry of horror, "UGH!"

wurwolf: Everyone who runs into Bob says that in their mind. Tommy was caught off guard and uttered his "UGH" out loud.

wurwolf: Bob is doing manly yard work. He wouldn't be caught dead cooking dinner or vacuuming the living room.




Lita: Maybe it's just because I watched "Boys Beware" this morning, but I'm getting a bad vibe from Bob and that kid sitting on that couch and Bob's all taking off his glove and you can see his wedding ring but Bob just looks disgusted and the kid looks damp and frightened.

wurwolf: Tommy even looks a little ashamed and afraid. And if that's Bob's wedding ring, then the artist drew it on the wrong hand.

Lita: He didn't know there would be a price to pay.

Lita: That kid is about to get such a Bible Storying.



wurwolf: Helen pokes her head in to do what women do best: Offer the guys some hot chocolate.

Lita: You've got to come inside? I thought they were inside.

Lita: And there's that dog again!

wurwolf: Hi Fang!

wurwolf: That cat is such a badass.

Lita: I love the little frightened squirrel head at the bottom of the frame. Something tells me there won't be much else to love in this tract.

wurwolf: I thought it was a leaf.

wurwolf: Tommy! He's starting the Bible story while you're still outside! You can still make a break for it!




wurwolf: Tommy says he doesn't know anything about the Bible up front, so you already have your set up for the end where he's never heard of Jesus.

Lita: Man. We've done enough of these that we're getting Previouslies.

wurwolf: How sad is that?




wurwolf: Did God give Moses a copy of his budget on the stone tablets by mistake?

wurwolf: I see a lot of 9's, 0's and 4's on it.

wurwolf: Another recycled shot: Joshua standing in front of the Israelites while they dry out their laundry and worship some cows.




Lita: That picture of the child sacrifice would make an awesome metal album cover. Kind of like that pic of Cain and Abel from way back in our first tract.

Lita: These tracts can say what they want about The Devil's Music, but they do a good job on the album art.

wurwolf: The dude throwing the kid looks so nonchalant, like he's throwing him in the pool.

Lita: He's shrugging like, "Eh. What are you gonna do?"

Lita: "Sometimes the snake god wants you to throw a few toddlers on the grill. I'm not gonna be the one to piss off the snake god. Not my problem. Just doing my job."

Lita: I wonder if it's a snake god because of the serpent in the Garden of Eden

wurwolf: It's like the artist trotted out all the Satanic symbols he could think of. I'm surprised there isn't a goat there, too.

Lita: No pentagrams either.

wurwolf: I wonder if the skull is meant to be a wall-hanging or some disembodied spirit floating around.

wurwolf: You know, I think you're right. I think the artist was going for a dark-haired Macauley Culkin when he drew Tommy.




wurwolf: The guy in the next panel is pointing so the bull knows where to go. Like bulls follow directions if you point.

Lita: He's totally mugging that skinny guy for it, too. "Don't make me knife you in the throat.

Lita: But I'm wondering why the guards are wearing bananas on their heads.

wurwolf: I guess banana helmets are something that evil-doers in Midian like to wear.

wurwolf: As opposed to Roman helmets, which is something the evil-doers in Sodom like to wear.

Lita: There's a guy in the background next to a guy with a basket. I can't figure out what he's doing. Looks like he's trying to punch somebody, but I can't tell what. The camel behind him, maybe?

wurwolf: Is he carrying a chicken?

Lita: Maybe he's choking the chicken




wurwolf: Has anyone else in these tracts had their name announced in capital letters and boldface? GIDEON must be really special.

Lita: You know, when I first saw that Angel of the Lord I thought he was wearing a spiffy white three-piece suit. I was all, "Awesome!" But now I see he's just wearing a boring dumb robe. I'm so disappointed.

Lita: Poor Gideon's just sitting in a hole sorting through his grass and some angel in a bad robe has to come bug him.




wurwolf: He pops up out of his hole like a jack-in-the-box.

wurwolf: Or like a stripper out of a birthday cake. Whichever.

Lita: So Bob wants us to believe that this guy is a loser and a coward. But he's totally fine with talking back to an angel?

wurwolf: It's not the first time that Bob has misrepresented someone. When Bob gets to heaven he's going to have to face a lot of lawsuits for slander.




wurwolf: So God's terrible assignment was to sneak around in the middle of the night, kill his father's cow and knock over an idol?

wurwolf: It's not like he had to do it in broad daylight.




Lita: Except that his servants have loose lips.

wurwolf: I guess that was the terrible part. God gave Gideon a list of the crappiest servants in his employ to help him out.

Lita: Just the tiniest bit of heat on them and they're all, "GIDEON DID IT!!!"

wurwolf: A down on his luck Eric Clapton is insisting that Gideon's father bring out his son.

Lita: Eric yelled out the bible verse and everything.




wurwolf: Gideon's father is waving around the Fist on a Stick © in his anger.

Lita: It's like he just cracked open a Barrel 'O Fist.

wurwolf: You push a button on the bottom and it pops out the top.

Lita: It's good for the elderly with their arthritis and all.

wurwolf: "Even the Midianites knew about it." No kidding. Didn't Bob just tell us they were in control of everything?

wurwolf: It's not like they're in China or something, Bob. They're all right there in the same country.

Lita: They probably noticed when their statue got pushed over, too.

wurwolf: Maybe Bob thinks God pushed their banana helmets down over their eyes and they didn't see it.




wurwolf: Wow. Gideon's face got huge in the last couple of days. Did the Spirit of the Lord do that, too?




Lita: I love that God was like, "Dude. Gideon. You have too many guys on your side. It's too easy! I want a challenge, yo!"

Lita: Also, Gideon's the hugest loser ever to walk the Earth (until Timmy), but he has no problem raising a huge army.

Lita: And his dad backs him up... Unlike Timmy's dad.

wurwolf: Do you mean Timmy from the ten commandments tract?

Lita: Sorry. Tommy. Timmy was the other kid.

Lita: Stupid tracts gave the only two teen boys in the series so far almost the same stupid name. I should set up a chart to help me remember everybody's name.

wurwolf: Uh.... yeah. You do that, Lita.

Lita: Their camels were without number? I have a number for them. Two. That's how many camels I see.

Lita: The artist needs to read his or her bible.

wurwolf: I see a third one in the back.

Lita: I thought that was a llama.

wurwolf: It could be a giraffe.

Lita: It could be a guy with long sleeves holding his arm up in the air as he rocks out in his rockstar pose.

wurwolf: It could be a bunny.

Lita: A bunny sitting on a llama.

wurwolf: That's it!

Lita: Wow. This tract is really dry if this is what we're reduced to.




wurwolf: Why is Tommy's hair so greasy? Gross. No wonder the other kids were picking on him -- he's got poor hygiene.

wurwolf: Gideon does a lot of sneaking around at night.

Lita: Bob's storytelling skills could use some work. This is so confusing. Bob made it sound like Gideon had the dream, but then the text bubbles make it sound like some Mideonite had the dream. And nobody's telling us what the dream was.

wurwolf: Bob's forte is the hypno wrap-up. He needs Helen there to get the story straight.

Lita: Now I have to look up the story. Dangit.

Lita: Heh. I wish Bob had told us how God sorted out the army. It all has to do with your preferred water-drinking method.

Lita: The guy dreamed that somebody knocked his tent over with a loaf of bread. Awesome.

wurwolf: Bob's not really into talking about the dreams. It's too new agey for him.


wurwolf hopes this isn't a long story.

Lita: Nope

Lita: This story was kind of lame. Not Bob's best work.

wurwolf: I don't really have much to say either. I mean, I guess we should say something about Yay God because He totally kicked ass.

wurwolf: The whole story is kind of fuzzy, you know? I can see maybe instilling fear in the enemy by blowing trumpets, but I don't get the whole hole in the jar and letting the light show.

Lita: Me neither. And the version I'm reading isn't very illuminating.

Lita: Ha! Lights! Illuminating! (slap me)

wurwolf: God might as well have had the Israelites set up lawn chairs and watch the show for all they did to help.

Lita: Other than what I mentioned, the story in the Bible is pretty much the story Bob told. No big stupid edits. Though I don't really see Gideon as as big a loser as Bob seems to think he is.




wurwolf: Well, it looks like Bob redecorated his living room since he had Janet and Jason over.

wurwolf: Although I don't get why Bob painted his living room ceiling black.

wurwolf: And we needn't be surprised that Tommy never heard of what God did for him, because he said upfront that he didn't know anything about the Bible.



wurwolf: Boy, Bob really knows where to get people where they live, doesn't he? "God loves you, Tommy, and He wants to protect you, watch over you and be your best friend."

wurwolf: He's wasted in whatever it is he does for a living. He should be a politician.




wurwolf: I like Bob's see-through coffee table. I'll bet he got it to go with his inflatable furniture.

Lita: Ok. I'm about to tell you about a pet peeve I've been sitting on (har) with these tracts for some time now.

Lita: Lumpy butts.

Lita: When people get saved in these tracts, they always bend over to pray and I have to look at their lumpy butts.

Lita: And it's even worse in this tract because the one with the lumpy butt is a little kid and I watched Boys Beware earlier today.

wurwolf: Shame on you for looking at little boys' lumpy butts.

wurwolf: They always look like they're ducking and covering to me. Like they're expecting Jesus to arrive on a tornado or a mushroom cloud or something.




wurwolf: The next day? They're all wearing the same clothes!

Lita: Those Bullies are so lame. "We're gonna beat you up!" "Don't. I have a friend who will protect me." "Oh, ok. Let's be BFF!" Wouldn't a real bully want some kind of evidence of said friend?

Lita: Because it's not like they wouldn't have heard the whole "He goes to a different school and you haven't met him but he's totally huge and will kick your butts" defense before.

wurwolf: Maybe they think his "friend" is in the Mafia? It would explain the greasy hair and Members Only jacket.

Lita: Man. That kid in the middle. It must be tough to be bullied by Sonic the Hedgehog.

wurwolf: It's sad when the one with the best hair in the tract is Bob.

wurwolf: And here we have another wrap-up where, by accepting Jesus, the person in a bad situation amazingly has all of their problems cleared up for them.

Lita: With the possible exception of their horrible, greasy hair.

wurwolf: God and Bob aren't here to help them with their hygiene issues.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)