The Missing Day

In honor of Thanksgiving, we invited our friend Rimmi over to help us read this week's special Thanksgiving tract. That's right, Bob's Bible Series is taking another break this week so we can talk all about The Missing Day. Have you noticed how nobody celebrates Thanksgiving anymore? How children don't even know what the word "Thanksgiving" means? How they never even heard of Pilgrims? Chick Tracts noticed that too, and now they're out to set us all straight. Enjoy this steaming turkey!




wurwolf: First, a big welcome to Rimmi, our guest riffer.

Rimmi: Yeah! I guess that means I have to be funny though.

Lita: If you aren't it'll be ok. You'll be just like real holiday guests who just show up and suck the joy out of everything good and wonderful about the festivities.

Rimmi: Okay! Thanks!




wurwolf: Chick tracts takes on the mafia!

Lita: "It'll be on time. I hope they will." She's talking about her monthlies. She's guilt tripping the husband about that mishap last night.

wurwolf: Ew. I don't like the idea of these two procreating. The hair issues alone are mind boggling.

Lita: Ok, obviously Lucy is really hoping the family will be there on time for Thanksgiving Dinner. As a member of the household that always has to host the big holiday dinners such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, I can tell you this is completely inaccurate. The longer it takes before the whole house is full of people, the better. In fact, we kind of hope they'll forget and not show up at all.

wurwolf: That is so true. I don't even mind if people just drive by and reconsider.



wurwolf: The poor little kid with hypoglycemia gets lumped in with all the other unsaved.

Rimmi: That's so sad! She sinned because she needs sugar.

Rimmi: Scratch that first riff. It sucked.

Lita: Consider it done.

Lita: None of these people even want to be there. I think this carnival of hell will be eerily similar to the holiday celebrations in my house.

wurwolf: Including the people who don't want to eat your cooking, Lita?

Lita: I don't eat much of the food myself. Mostly the turkey and the mashed potatoes a roll and whatever green vegetable is there.

wurwolf: Maybe if you have a Semi-Homemade Thanksgiving, you'll be off the hook for future Thanksgivings.

Lita: There's an idea...

Rimmi: I see football is also the work of Satan.

wurwolf: I'm perfectly willing to agree with you that football is the work of Satan, Rimmi.

Rimmi: Zanah is behind the men in football who smack each other in the butt.



wurwolf: You know, all of the people there are ridiculously horrific, but the guy in the middle with the devil tattoo is just off the charts. His face is completely misshapen. Hello, Rocky Dennis!

Rimmi: The sweaty guy in the bottom left hand corner is a sinner because he forgot to blow his nose.

Rimmi: I love the chick in the top right hand side who is thinking, "Hic"

Lita: She's thinking about her hiccups. She doesn't really have them.

Rimmi: Does she have eyes?

wurwolf: Nice to see Lil' Orphan Annie showed up for the party.

wurwolf: "I've got PCP and crack-- How much you got?"

Lita: I know exactly which of my cousins that would be.

Rimmi: I love how the people in the picture even look shocked by the guests.

Lita: But there is a stirring satire on the people who are in favor of the war of Iraq in that fat dude who wants Uncle Mort dead.

wurwolf: I've been trying to figure that out, Lita. I'm wondering what stereotype he's supposed to be representing.



Rimmi: The woman in the picture is all 'Oh my!' but in the next panel when Mortimer shows up she's smiling. These pictures are like paintings in Harry Potter books.... but that can't be right. This is a Chick tract!

wurwolf: A bowl of popcorn is so glad that Uncle Mortimer came!

Lita: A bowl of popcorn sounds really good right now.

Lita: Oh my! It has become so unpopular to use the overtly Christian name "Thanksgiving" that nobody even knows what it is anymore! They think it's really called "Turkey Day!"

wurwolf: They had to ban the reading of the Thanksgiving story in the Bible from some public places. Those bastards at the ACLU were all over it.

Rimmi: That chick next to Mortimer is angry and rightly so! His elbow is on her bow, choking her.



Lita: Fang wants some sushi!

Lita: And Willie and Nellie Oleson are happy to oblige him!

wurwolf: Fang really gets around. He's a member of every household in these tracts. I'll bet he's in and out of the dog shelter a lot.

Lita: That's what happens when dogs become fashion accessories in stead of family companions. They become disposable.

Rimmi: Nellie Oleson arrives to help feed Fang.

Lita: Rimmi's stealing my line!

Rimmi: Sorry.

wurwolf: Rimmi, quit it!

Lita whispers to wurwolf, "I hope Rimmi stays in a hotel next year"

wurwolf whispers back, "Really."

Rimmi whispers back a raspberry!



wurwolf: WTF?! Since when can't kids say "Thanksgiving" in school?! My goodness, Chick Tracts think that kids aren't allowed to say anything in school: Jesus, the Bible, Thanksgiving, queers....

Rimmi: Mortie has wobble lines around his head. This "No Thanksgiving" thing is giving him tremors.

wurwolf: Uncle Mort looks like an egg with out of style glasses.

Lita: If Nellie's never heard of Thanksgiving, then what does she think the whole family is over at Aunt Lucy's for?

Lita: I'm sorry, Chick Tracts, but your assertion that children today have never heard of Thanksgiving falls flat in the face of the evidence.

wurwolf: I can see them saying that we've forgotten to give thanks to God for all we have, but to say that children have never heard of Thanksgiving is completely unfounded.

Lita: And children do know the story of Thanksgiving, although many of them also have the added knowledge that lots of that story is a bunch of fluffy feel-good hokum.

Lita: @!!!**! makes its grand reappearance.

wurwolf: Lucy wore her best muumuu for dinner. Jeez, lady, way to dress up.




wurwolf: I like how Lucy is telling everyone to shut up. That kind of talk is usually reserved for the unsaved.

Rimmi: I love how the Puritans wanted to "reach the lost" so they sailed to America where they didn't really expect anyone to be.

wurwolf: Jeez, could they cram any more Dutch stereotypes in there? As someone of Dutch descent, I take offense.

wurwolf: Although, this being a Chick tract, I guess I should be glad they're not mentioning pot smorking, gay marriage and legalized prostitution.

Lita: I'm surprised that Mort isn't pushing the "they were being religiously oppressed at home" angle of the story.

Rimmi: They are just scaring some little Dutch girl by pointing at her.

Lita: Usually part of the story involves them coming to America for religious freedom.

wurwolf: Religious freedom, exactly. Nothing about reaching the lost.




wurwolf: I can't tell if the Puritans are urpy because of the rat-infested food or because they're seasick. Probably both.

Lita: Man. Women had it rough in the old days. If the husband was going to vomit it was the wife's responsibility to put her hand over his mouth to hold back the hurl.

Lita: Maybe she weighed her options and thought, "If he hurls on my hand I have to wash my hand, but if he hurls on the rat then the rat runs all over and I have to clean the whole boat."

wurwolf: Smart thinking.

Rimmi: I love the dude puking in his hat! Good times!

wurwolf: It's the party boat!

wurwolf: The guy in the back isn't nauseated, he just doesn't want to see any more.



wurwolf: "...but something watched them from behind the trees." So the Native Americans were things.

Lita: Oh. I thought maybe he meant The Devil

wurwolf: Maybe he means us. We're certainly watching from behind the trees here.

Lita: And The Devil totally eats Goodie Whipple's hat, so John Smith has to battle The Devil to the death and there's a huge fight and most of the Indians in North America are killed or relocated in the ensuing melee, but in the end John Smith wins and then they ate a turkey to celebrate.

wurwolf: Oh, so that's the real story of Thanksgiving! They withheld that from me in school!

Lita: If you'd read your bible more you might know that story.

wurwolf: I am ashamed.



Rimmi: Snakes, wolves and bears: OH MY!

wurwolf: "Where they landed were no houses, no restaurants." Too bad, if they'd have landed a couple of miles south they would have hit a town with a Burger King.

Lita: "God let them find corn that had been buried by the Indians." And it was ok, because it wasn't like the Indians planted that corn for a reason or anything.

wurwolf: Too bad if they did. Hide your women and don't accept any blankets -- the whities have arrived!

Lita: They were a bunch of godless savages, so they probably would have just squandered the corn anyway. I bet they only buried it as a ritual to one of their stupid gods. Jerkheads. Rejecting Jesus that way.

wurwolf: Totally serves them right.

Lita: Really, they were pretty much asking for their civilization and culture to be decimated in the name of God.

Rimmi: But the Indians were lost so it was okay. Seriously, they had no idea where they were.




Lita: Wow. Apparently Death was, literally, all around them.

Rimmi: What is the guy behind Death wearing?

Lita: A toga. The Pilgrims had a wild party last night.

Lita: I like how that vulture is sitting next to that little naked starving pilgrim dude, like, "I'll wait."

Rimmi: I wanna see Death point his finger into the sky and take down those birds.

wurwolf: Death is all, "Hey look, you guys, there's my house over there!"



Lita: "Those that could..."? As Bob has taught us, you are never to weak or ill or starving to get down on your knees and wave your lumpy butt in the air and pray.

wurwolf: Man, the Pilgrim dad looks totally soused. He really tied one on last night!

Lita: That kid has a black eye. Pilgrim Dad is a mean drunk.

Lita: Someone stepped out from behind the trees. They'd been hanging out back there all this time.

wurwolf: How did the Native Americans manage to survive the winter, just hanging out by the trees, waiting for the Pilgrims to pray to their god?

Lita: What else did they have to do? Tend their corn that the Pilgrims dug up?

Rimmi: Native Americans: We can't do anything unless they ask. It's the only way they will learn. It's called Tough Parenting.




Rimmi: Full circle! The Pilgrims are lost. God sends someone to reach them.

wurwolf: I see, so when the Pilgrims left to reach the lost, little did they know that they would be the lost! O, the IRONY!

Rimmi: Native American next to Squanto: You have a little something on your cheek there...

Lita: When I was a little kid and we'd learn about Thanksgiving in my public school like all American kids do every Thanksgiving at state-funded public schools we'd always laugh at Squanto's name. Because it was Squanto. And we were 6.



Lita: Indians: Thanks for inviting us for dinner, dudes. We didn't know what we were gonna do. We planted some corn, but something happened to it.

Lita: Pilgrims: God probably didn't let your corn grow because you're all savages. Let's eat!

wurwolf: Two of the Indians aren't praying. They're going to hell.

Lita: wurwolf, they're all going to hell. They worship nature and call the wind Mariah and whatnot.



wurwolf: Brad is really hanging on Uncle Mortimer. Back off, little dude. Ever hear of personal space?

Lita: I think that woman back there doesn't quite have the figure for such a tight dress.

Rimmi: The Nuke 'em dude looks like he's holding a Ball jam jar rather than a beer can since beer cans rarely have a screw on ridges on the top.

wurwolf: That's right, Mom, beer and apple pie will save you!



wurwolf: Gross, Uncle Mortimer needs a haircut.

Lita: When was Thanksgiving our most honored day?

Rimmi: Sometime in 1804 maybe?

Lita: That must be why I never thought it was that big a deal.

wurwolf: Er.... Chick Tracts. You keep misspelling judgment.

Rimmi: Those Harry Potteresque pictures in back of Uncle Mortie are still moving. Again, I thought Harry Potter was the devil so why are these tracts stealing these ideas?

wurwolf: The dude in the picture is give Uncle Mort the thumbs up.

Rimmi: But he shouldn't be doing that! The picture is possessed by a demon!!!!

Lita: I think they're both dudes in that picture.

Lita: Really, the ranting and raving that God will judge nations that don't thank Him enough is the beginning of the slippery slope to, "God sent that hurricane because of the gays!"

wurwolf: It's the way a lot of Christians believe.

Lita: Yes, I know. Unfortunately they're very vocal about that.



wurwolf: I think there's a gay uncle in the mix. Everyone's yelling at Uncle Mortimer for preaching the gospel and this one uncle says "Kiss me!"

wurwolf: He's also wearing earrings at the dinner table. Yep, he's gay alright.

Rimmi: I think the gay uncle is the one from the top of the tract that was sweating and hadn't blown his nose.

Lita: That's his partner sitting next to him complaining that Mort calls him wicked. Apparently Mort has blamed hurricanes and terrorist attacks on him.

wurwolf: Everyone's giving off beams of light.




Lita: Oh, how delightful! Nuke 'em Uncle is too angry to eat, yet he is eating even as he makes the observation! Oh, my side is hurting!

Lita: I kind of wonder why the relative at the bottom of the frame hates the name Jesus. We're meant to believe it is because he or she is so lost that the very name strikes fear or disgust in his or her heart. More likely, though, that this is not the first time Mort started sermonizing at family gatherings and this relative is just sick of hearing about it.

wurwolf: I've gotta agree with the latter.

wurwolf: They all switched seats from the last panel. Uncle Mortimer didn't want to sit next to the sweaty uncle so he moved to the other side of the table.

Lita: The gay couple is missing. What happened to them?

Lita: Did they leave the party in disgust? Did God smite them right there at the table?

wurwolf: They're there, it's just that everyone at the table moved around.

Rimmi: The sweaty uncle is the gay one. His partner is next to Mortie.

Lita: Oh, I see. It makes sense that he's the one who hates Jesus' name, then. It is not uncommon for gay men to lose their faith in Christ because of Christians who do not hesitate to tell them how much Jesus hates them at every opportunity.

Rimmi: Looks like the sweaty, gay uncle is eating eggs sunny side up for Thanksgiving.




wurwolf: What's a Thanksgiving tract without a little gore?

Lita: Wow. That pharisee has some good aim. Right into the Savior's ear!

wurwolf: Jesus happened to walk right through a watermelon seed spitting contest.

Lita: I think that look on Christ's face is exactly the look I would make at the exact moment of impact when somebody is hocking a loogie down my ear canal.

wurwolf: Good job on the part of the artist.



wurwolf: The gay dude with the earrings is so outraged he stopped with his fork halfway up.

Lita: Well, really. Is "everybody in here is going to burn in Hell for eternity like the filthy sinners they are" really dinner talk? He should wait for dessert for that kind of thing.

wurwolf: I can't blame them for being angry. I had a relative that used to do that sort of thing and it really made the time spent with him a trial.

Lita: No, kid, you got it wrong. It's "What Would Jesus Do?" Fits the bracelet better that way.

wurwolf: The people at the table went from being outraged in one panel to hanging on Mort's every word in the next.



Lita: Jesus did something only God could do... Get crucified by a group of Spanish conquistadors.

wurwolf: Nice back-lighting, there. Looks like a Judas Priest show.



wurwolf: I missed the part in the Bible about Satan's crowd partying. I'll have to read it again.

Lita: It's only in the King James. That version has all the best parties.

Lita: Dude. The Mormons have knocked on our door, literally, twice in the last five minutes. Stalkers!!!

wurwolf: Jesus is standing amongst some freshly baked rolls.




Lita: Wow. There's an actual demon sitting next to Nellie Oleson for the lumpy butt scene.

wurwolf: Seriously? That's weird. And is that Lucy saying "How insulting?"

Lita: Yes. And she's just now figuring out that she shouldn't have invited Mort.




Rimmi: Hey! Mortie says the guests at the party are lost... Like the Pilgrims sought to reach lost people, then became lost and were reached by Native Americans! Full circle!

Lita: The devil has literally blinded people! By holding his hands over their eyes!

Rimmi: But he's invisible... right?

wurwolf: That kid has some really unfortunate hair. Why do they make every kid's hair horrible in these tracts?

Lita: Well, you know kids these days.



wurwolf: I like the demon pushing the two gay men together. That demon is fostering love! Sweet!

Lita: Aww, that nice demon is giving those men a hug!

wurwolf: And he's got the heart bubbles!

wurwolf: That one demon in the front has arms growing out of his neck.

Lita: I have never heard of any self-respecting gay man calling his boyfriend "Snookums." That's something an old lady calls her yappy dog.

Rimmi: Where is Fang anyway?

wurwolf: Fang's under the table, sleeping off his sushi dinner.

Lita: Fang was smart enough to leave as soon as Mort showed up.

Rimmi: Fang must be so full of goldfish that he skipped Thanksgiving.



wurwolf: P-TCHOO! I love the guy shooting out of the hole, right into hell! Wheee!

Rimmi: Ha! Those three sinners in Hell that are in front of the sign are playing charades. I thought they said it wasn't fun down there.

wurwolf: Goodness. In hell, the demons give you titty twisters. Ouch!

wurwolf: "All parties cancelled.... but we still have the balloons!"

Lita: At least until they are all popped by stalactites and/or the heat.

Lita: My spellcheck is totally red-squiggly-lining "cancelled," by the way.

wurwolf: Naked charades and boob fondling in hell... and we're not supposed to want to go there?

Lita: There's even a fun slide.



Lita: "The only smart one in the whole bunch was the kid!"

wurwolf: Yeah, the only smart one was the kid with bad hair and personal space issues.

Lita: Uncle Mort who witnessed to him is like, "Buh?"

Rimmi: You mean Uncle Mortie wasn't smart? Gasp!

wurwolf: Well, I wouldn't go there, but evidently Chick tracts likes to leave their characters out to dry.


(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2005 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

Read more!

Gladys

We're back to the Bible Series this week, and we're continuing the Halloween theme with Gladys. This tract is a sequel to a tract we covered a few weeks ago entitled The Nervous Witch. In this tract we find out what happens to Holly and her witchy ways. Enjoy!

Lita: We already know Gladys sucks because she's one of these relatives who shows up on your doorstep expecting you to house them and wouldn't even think of inconveniencing you by staying in a hotel.

Lita: I have a ton of those and they all stay over here every Christmas.

wurwolf: Exactly. And it looks like Aunt Gladys is here for the Astrology Convention, so we already know she's going to hell.

Lita: Not to mention that hat.

wurwolf: That's a good point. You can be sentenced to hell for showing up for an astrology convention, but you get a pass for extremely bad taste.

wurwolf: Her hat looks like a loaf of bread.

Lita: Or an old bag... kind of like Gladys.




Lita: Then again I can see why Gladys picked that hat. She needed something to match that outfit.

wurwolf: I think match is too strong of a word. It's a very astrology-ish shirt, anyway.

wurwolf: I'm guessing this woman is going to turn out to be Shirley Shepherd or Helen Williams, since all of these tracts like to use the same characters.

wurwolf: But whoever she is, evidently she was expecting Aunt Gladys, because there's a present wrapped up for her on the couch there.

Lita: There's a porny joke to go with that book title. I was thinking "It's in the Stars: The Paris Hilton Story," but Paris Hilton doesn't have a wang... that we know of...

wurwolf: "It's In the Stars: A Male Prostitute in Hollywood"

Lita: That one does it. Thanks for the assist.

wurwolf: She's "The Amazing Gladys". Is she a magician?

Lita: Magician, psychic, what's the diff? They're all going to hell.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'm ready to agree that she's a prophet of God. Look at that beautiful aura around her.

Lita: Usually only the Bible gives off that much radiance in these tracts.

Lita: Who calls psychics "a prophet of God" these days? Did anybody say anything like that about Jonathan Edwards? Or that pet psychic lady?

wurwolf: Not to my knowledge.




Lita: Gladys looks starved. Did they just let her out of Auschwitz?

wurwolf: My goodness, just look at her neck.

wurwolf: I know the unsaved have a tendency to look hideous in these tracts, but this is really extreme.

Lita: You know, now that she mentions getting her own talk show I see that Gladys bears a striking resemblance to Rachel Ray.




wurwolf: Yeah, but I'll bet she's got boobs just like Sandra Lee's.

wurwolf: "I'm so good..." "They'll be thrilled to meet me..." Why is Gladys' biggest sin astrology and witchcraft, and not the sin of pride?

Lita: She's not even all that good at the astrology.

wurwolf: She is good at bragging, though.




Lita: Helen looks completely different than last time we saw her. When did she get a haircut and develop bitchface?

Lita: Not that bitchface would take long to settle in when you're married to Bob...

wurwolf: I was wondering who Bob's chick was. I think he's stepping out on Helen.

wurwolf: I guess we should just be thankful it's not a male prostitute with a bunch of meth.

Lita: Mystery Hostess did call them "Bob and Helen." Mystery Hostess looks more like Helen than Helen does...

wurwolf: Oh yeah.... I missed that. She is Helen. I guess all those years with Bob have taken their toll.

wurwolf: Or months.... or days. I guess it wouldn't take too long if you're living with Bob.

Lita: Look at Gladys's power of overemoting! Overdose her on speed and she could give Ray Ray a run for her money.

wurwolf: She's so shocked that there could be another prophet of God, she's swallowed her dentures.

Lita: The empty cavity inside her head has caused such a vacuum that her lips are being sucked into the black hole of her skull.

wurwolf: The incoming air into the empty cavity has forced her eyeballs out, too.




wurwolf: Man, Gladys' niece is totally built. She's got a nice skinny waist and her boobs are huge. You can see them from behind!

Lita: I really want to know who this Hostess with the Mostest is. I'm starting to think she might be Samantha's mom, but then that would make Gladys Bob's aunt, too, and they're acting like they've never met.

wurwolf: And we already know she's not Helen.

Lita: How hard is it to call anybody by name? I guess I can see why Gladys wouldn't because she's a psychic so she has to call everybody "pet" and "darling," but what about Bob? Would it kill the big powerful man to acknowledge the personhood of a woman by calling her by name?

wurwolf: She might be Shirley. She would be a successful prostitute with that figure.

Lita: I wonder if her name is Tommy

wurwolf: Possibly Timmy.

wurwolf: Even sitting on the couch and angry at her niece, Gladys still has an aura behind her.

Lita: Well, it is pretty stupid to throw out your Tarot cards. What do you want, some trash man or homeless person to find them and get possessed? The Nervous Witch taught us that burning any non-Christian paraphernalia is the way to go.




Lita: Bob is already on the offensive, towering over her with his arms crossed. Then again, it's hard to think of a time when Bob isn't offensive...

wurwolf: Gladys calls her niece "darling", but she calls Bob "dahling".

Lita: Gladys' spirit guide is named George. How lame. Oh, for the happy days of Zanah!

wurwolf: That is the lamest spirit guide name ever.

Lita: I think George is trying to brush Gladys' teeth with his finger.

wurwolf: He's non-corporeal. He should know his mouth-covering tactic will be ineffective.

Lita: Then again, look at that look on his face. Maybe she bit down on his finger so she could keep blathering about her spirit guide.

wurwolf: Is it wrong that I think George is kind of cute? He's like a cross between My Little Pony and the chupacabra.

Lita: He is kind of cute with his big ears and piggy nose. Chick Tracts have the most adorable demons.

wurwolf: They can't draw people to save their lives, but the demons are adorable.




wurwolf: A big hairy monster is listening outside the window! Run!!

Lita: It's Snuffleupagus!

wurwolf: Oh, then it's okay. No one will see it.

wurwolf: Mystery Hostess has one of those lighthouse lawn ornaments outside her toilet paper roll house.

Lita: Would an astrologer be likely to classify herself as "religious"? Wouldn't she be more likely to say she was "spiritual"?

wurwolf: That's why she's hesitating when Bob calls her religious. She realizes that on some level, he's talking down to her.




wurwolf: Look at Bob's dumb short tie. He's so behind the fashion trends.

Lita: Like he has any room to be busting on Gladys.

Lita: She's only 20% accurate? Isn't that even lower than just chance?

Lita: I googled "psychic accuracy" in the hopes of finding out what scientists who have studied psychics say is the level of chance, but all I'm getting is advertisements for accurate psychics.

wurwolf: I'm sure James Randi wouldn't take exception to her 20% accuracy claim.

Lita: In any case, since many so-called psychics skirt the accuracy issue by making predictions so vague that it's hard for them to really not be true, it really highlights the crapulence of the 20% rating.

wurwolf: Even angry, George is absolutely adorable.

Lita: He's pulling her cheeks up into a smiley face!

wurwolf: "Let's go to a hotel!" Ew. A George and Gladys coupling.




wurwolf: I like Jesus' Superman cape.

wurwolf: "Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's the Son of God!"




Lita: Wow. Jesus had really short arms. I wonder if that was in one of Isaiah's predictions.

Lita: Jesus also has a tiny waist.

wurwolf: Just like Mystery Hostess.

wurwolf: Never one to miss an opportunity to show the gore, Chick tracts happily depicts Jesus' scourging in graphic detail.

Lita: The artist got so into drawing all the gore he really did a terrible job on Jesus, our Lord and Savior. Way to prioritize, Chick Tracts artist.

Lita: Look at George! He's going to purge all over the table!

wurwolf: Bob makes everyone want to throw up, George. No need to stick your finger down your throat.

wurwolf: It will happen naturally.




Lita: I do like the breaking of the fourth wall, here. While Bob continues proselytizing in the background George turns directly to us and gives us the real dirt on Isaiah's predictions.

wurwolf: George is climbing out of the tract to let us know that they blew it.

Lita: I don't know that a demon like George would be all that likely to show the humility it takes to admit he made a mistake in crucifying Jesus. And I think he would be too toadying to say that one of his bosses made the mistake.

Lita: Not to go all Buffy fangirl on you or anything, but in the immortal words of Spike, "If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson and spent the next six hours watching my hand move."

wurwolf: You dork.



wurwolf: Huh. I didn't think we were getting to the Thanksgiving tract until next week. That's quite a spread they're putting out.

wurwolf: Do you realize that Bob has been standing over Gladys this entire time? Way to make people feel comfortable, Bob.

Lita: He's not just standing over her. He is always waving his finger in her face.

wurwolf: What a douche bag.

Lita: Gladys, I know you're trying to be all cool with that "You tell me" crap, but don't ever ask Bob to tell you anything. He will.




wurwolf: Could Bob be any more arrogant? He brings up the movie, The Ten Commandments, and when Gladys tries to show she knows what he's talking about, he condescendingly says, "No, Charlton Heston just played Moses in the movie."

wurwolf: No duh, Bob. I think she knew that.

Lita: You mean they didn't get the real Moses to play himself in the movie???

Lita's illusions are shattered

wurwolf: Blame Bob.

Lita: My favorite part of the story of Moses was that time Moses was in that big chariot race.

Lita: And then he became president of the NRA.

wurwolf: I like the part with the monkeys.

Lita: That was Bob's favorite part, too. Especially at the end when Moses is standing next to the head of like the sphynx or something, and he was all like, "YOU BLEW IT UP!! DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!"

Lita: But then I heard that Moses ate some people and that kind of put me off of him.

wurwolf: He didn't realize he was eating people, though.

Lita: Yeah, but I bet by the time he made the realization he'd grown a taste for them.

Lita: He'd be like, "Yeah, I know it's people, but I'm hungry and there's nothing else in the house except that old can of creamed corn!"

wurwolf: It's an easy choice to make.

Lita: Moses would agree.

wurwolf: Why is Charlton Heston standing behind a rock when he addresses the crowd?

Lita: He was shy. That's why he wanted his brother Fred Heston to speak for him.




wurwolf: Wait... what is Bob talking about? "Because what he said did not come from God. In other words, he lied!"

wurwolf: Who is he talking about?

Lita: That prophet that Charlton Heston was talking about.

wurwolf: Wasn't Moses talking about false prophets in general, and not a specific one?

Lita: So's Bob, I think.

Lita: It's really sloppily put together.

wurwolf: It really is.

Lita: I like that lying puts the prophet in with witches and wizards and those who talk with familiar spirits. But really apparently the only problem Bob has with psychics is that they're wrong a lot of the time. So to Bob, the only bad psychic is a bad one.

wurwolf: What the hell! Is that a carrot sticking out of George's mouth or is he happy to see Bob?

Lita: That's really gross, George. I'm disappointed in you.

wurwolf: Why did the artist make George's tongue look like a wiener?

wurwolf: A pointy wiener, anyway.

wurwolf: And why is George offended by Bob saying that witches and wizards are an abomination to God? You'd think he'd be pleased by that.

Lita: He should be bragging about how many witches he's brought to hell.




Lita: I like how Bob's smiling while he tells Gladys all about her future in Hell. He loves giving this kind of news.

Lita: Notice how he's not even bothering to tell her how she can avoid going to Hell. He's so happy she's going to burn.

wurwolf: I like how the angel is pitching the dude into the lake of fire. Really no effort involved.




Lita: So now, almost at the end of the tract, we find out the Mystery Hostess's name. Sandy.

wurwolf: Her sponsor?

Lita: Is Gladys a starving child or something?

wurwolf: I guess she means the person who made it possible for her to speak at the astrology convention.

wurwolf: You'd think Gladys' sponsor could pony up for a hotel room so she wouldn't have to bunk with relatives.

Lita: Sandy is only too happy to hand over the phone and get Gladys out of her house.

wurwolf: No trying to talk her out of it.

Lita: Turns out Holly is Gladys' sponsor. I thought Holly was a teenager, but now she looks to be in her 40's.

wurwolf: She's sponsoring Gladys Glump, The Amazing Prophet!

wurwolf: What an awful name.

Lita: She gets a crappy name because she's not saved.




Lita: Bob hates Gladys so much he doesn't even care about Fang jumping all over her in the driveway.

wurwolf: I love that Fang hates everyone. He's such a crank.

wurwolf: Holly's all pushed up into the dashboard, too. The people in these tracts must be driving cars like this.

Lita: Actually, Bob didn't say anything about Gladys turning to Jesus. He mentioned Jesus and His death, but didn't give the whole "love gift" spiel he usually gives.

wurwolf: True, he didn't share the good news with Gladys. So all of this is his fault.




Lita: Holly put a death curse on Bob. A step up from a powerful love spell, but considering that Bob is still breathing I'd say that Holly is still the lamest witch ever. Even so, I like how she's so offhand with her admission. "Yeah, he was harshing my groove, so I put a death curse on him."

Lita: How could Holly miss the huge double tanker driving right in front of her? Those things are so slow.

Lita: Ok, I know, obviously she didn't miss it. But I mean how could she not see it coming?

wurwolf: Maybe she was turned and talking to Gladys without her eyes on the road for like five minutes straight, like they do on TV.

wurwolf: The artist missed the chance to show Holly's disembodied head flying through the air.

wurwolf: THE HEAD IS DEPARTED FROM THEE! THE HEAD IS DEPARTED FROM THEE!

Lita: I wouldn't think George would be so thrilled that these two are dead. Think of how many people they could have led astray. It's not like either of them were planning to talk to Bob again anytime soon.

wurwolf: He could've gotten a lot of mileage out of them.




wurwolf: Man, that angel must be so bummed that he's got hell duty again.

Lita: Ok... So Gladys and Holly are wearing clothes at the crash site, but then are nude in the very next panel. That angel works fast!

wurwolf: How come they have to be naked but Roger and Tommy get to wear their crappy sweaters for all of eternity?

Lita: The artist wanted to draw some naked ladies.

wurwolf: As we've already learned in Chick tracts, all non-Christian materials should be burned. I guess that includes Holly and Gladys.




Lita: So this judgment scene is pretty much Roger's judgment scene, but they added another doomed figure to the clipart.

wurwolf: Yeah. And not to quibble with the Lord, but Bob never did deliver the salvation message to Gladys.

Lita: Not really. He glossed over it, at best.

wurwolf: The angel's standing there like, Dude. You're talking to them, right? You're not talking to me. Right?



Lita: Hey! What a gyp! This is practically the same "angel nonchalantly tossing sinners into Hell" scene as the "angel nonchalantly tossing sinners into Hell" scene we got a few panels ago!

wurwolf: Don't be so quick to judge. If you look carefully you can see that the artist redrew each scene individually. It's not just clipart.

Lita: I stand chastened.

wurwolf: Well, you should have known better. If Chick Tracts are devoted to anything, it's quality.

Lita: Wow. Holly's kind of hot when she's being cast into Hell.

Lita: ...or is that Gladys?

wurwolf: It's hell! They're both hot!

wurwolf: *ba dum bump*


(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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