The Scam

Time for another tract, kids. This is about what happens if you run scams, and if you're a victim of scams: You go to hell! Just steer clear of the scams and you should be okay. Here's the link so you can follow along.

Lita: So. The Scam!

wurwolf: With special guest star, Dante from Clerks!



wurwolf: I read ahead a little bit, and I'm going to warn you: the artwork in this tract is particularly horrendous.

Lita: Even more so than usual?

wurwolf: It looks like twelve different artists worked on it, all at the same time.

Lita: I guess mom does look a bit like a bobblehead in that panel on the right.

wurwolf: The dad looks like an elderly Bob.

Lita: I do have to wonder why, if the folks were in debt, they decided to buy a new car.

Lita: I know people do that in real life, too. I don't understand it there, either.

Lita: Geez. Mom's crosseyed, too. I wonder if that's why they're seeing a doctor.

wurwolf: I wonder if that's a tear tattoo on her face. Possibly she's in a gang.

wurwolf: If so, she better watch out for Joey.

wurwolf: Uh oh, I think Frank might be based on your cousin.

Lita: Or possibly the uncle who spawned my cousin.

Lita: Who actually did once refuse to give my grandmother any money to buy medicine with, even though he owes her lots of money because she helped him buy his house.



wurwolf: Oh okay, I see where we're going. The old couple is scamming Frank.

wurwolf: Serves him right, really. Would you lend your car that you just bought to people you barely know? I'd be all, Take a cab, old lady.

Lita: Yeah. I was thinking they were the guy's parents, in which case how much does he suck knowing they're going to get taken in by their doctor and he's still willing to buy their beloved car for nothing?

wurwolf: Really. If they're your parents, pay their doctor bill, don't take their car, too.

Lita: But if he just met them, then he doesn't really have any obligation to help with the doctor thing. Buy the car and give them the number of whatever local service that town has to drive old people around and get gone.

wurwolf: But I guess he's just some random dude on the street with $500 in his pocket, and the old people spotted him as an easy mark.

wurwolf: So you can see we're starting off with the usual level of realism in a Chick tract.

wurwolf: Next, winged monkeys are going to come down from heaven and mess up Frank's hair.



wurwolf: I'm trying to figure out the guy's hair under the "6 hours later..." box. Is he bald? If so, what's that on his head? It's not a hat, right?

wurwolf: Is it a particularly insidious combover?

Lita: I think he walked in front of a draft or a fan or something and it blew his combover over and he hasn't noticed yet.

Lita: Everybody else is too embarrassed to mention it to him.

wurwolf: Really. It's hanging down the side of his head.

Lita: Frank's lawyer didn't show up? I guess he knows Frank doesn't have any money anymore.

wurwolf: Lawyers can smell that kind of thing. It's amazing, I see it all the time here at work.

Lita: Is that the same gay cop from the gay pride parade?

wurwolf: I don't know.... I can't see his earrings.



wurwolf: Oh man. Those are the funniest mug shots ever! They should totally be on Smoking Gun.

Lita: "Slick Willy" and "Mean Molly"? Worst criminal names ever.

wurwolf: I can see Slick Willy's resemblance to the old man in the beginning, but Mean Molly does in no way look like that old lady.

Lita: That mugshot was taken just after "Grouchy Gordon" gave her two black eyes.

wurwolf: "Cranky Calvin" took the picture.

Lita: "Holdin' Holden" is holding the picture.

wurwolf: We could go on all day.

Lita: "Foolish Frank" is looking at the picture.

Lita: I guess Bob just hangs around the police station trolling for gullible young men down on their luck.

wurwolf: This poor guy. He got scammed out of $500 by two old people and now Bob shows up to throw the Bible at him. I really feel for him.

wurwolf: Why is there a chef at the police station?



Lita: Gah! That dog is back!

wurwolf: So now we know the dog's name is Fang.

Lita: So Fang is barking at a bird who's just looking at him like, "Whatever, psycho." Meanwhile a cat is sitting in the street two feet away from the both of them just watching the whole thing go down.

Lita: Perhaps torn between the urge to eat the bird and to run from Fang. He watches to see who will come out victorious before he plans his next move.

wurwolf: I hope that cat doesn't get run over.

Lita: The guy holding his leash is wearing a poncho, a sombrero, and sandals. I wonder if he's supposed to be Mexican.

wurwolf: I think so. Maybe the dog walker?

wurwolf: Is that racist?

Lita: If we're going to go there, then you could say he kidnapped Fang and plans to ransom him to his owners.

wurwolf: Except that he fell asleep in the middle of the afternoon for his siesta.

Lita: But since we've seen Fang wandering around the town on his own barking at random people, I'm thinking the owners didn't take the best care of him anyway.

Lita: Maybe the guy is supposed to be Cesar Millan.

Lita: And is that Steven Spielberg in the right panel?

wurwolf: No, it's Stephen King, I think.

Lita: I knew he looked like somebody.

Lita: He's crying over the suckulence of his latest manuscript.

wurwolf: At any rate, it's definitely a Steve.

wurwolf: This is what I mean about the artwork. It's all over the place. It looks like someone doodled a picture of Stephen King and they decided to stick it in the comic.



Lita: The Israelites hung up their long johns to dry back there.

wurwolf: They have some particularly ugly lawn ornaments.

Lita: Is that the golden calf back there? I thought Moses told them to knock that off.

wurwolf: This is why they were wandering around for 40 years.

wurwolf: Man, Joshua looks like a crank.

Lita: I'd like to look up this story and read it myself, but Bob is withholding vital information.

wurwolf: Not telling you where to find it?

Lita: Yeah

Lita: Ok. We're in Joshua 7

Lita: So far I don't have any qualms with Bob's telling of the story.



wurwolf: Frank wants to know how in the world Joshua got conned. Is Joshua that impressive already? Does Frank think that Joshua is so scary wonderful that it's impossible that he could get conned?

wurwolf: I'm guessing Jericho had a lot of sodomites in it. According to Bob, that's the only reason why God would wipe a city from the face of the earth.



wurwolf: I think it's funny that the town of Ai is small. So the town of Antidisestablishmentarianism is a huge metroplis, I guess.

Lita: Just wait until you see the town of Bababadal­gharagh­takammin­arronn­konn­bronn­tonn­erronn­tuonn­thunn­trovarrhoun­awnskawn­toohoo­hoordenen­thurnuk.

wurwolf: Bob's working the creepy look again. Really, it's a wonder anyone comes to Christ. Why aren't they all distracted by the freakshow that is Bob?

Lita: It's the hypno-eyes. If this comic were animated you'd see little spirals spinning around in his eyes.

wurwolf: You can almost see them now.



Lita: Bob tells us that the thief confessed and was stoned. This is true. But Bob doesn't want you to know that they also stoned Achan's wife and his kids and burned their bodies.

Lita: They took all their stuff as well, but it doesn't say whether they kept them or left them out in the desert with the bodies.

Lita: Achan was warned, though. Joshua told everybody ahead of time that anybody who takes anything curses not only himself, but also his family. I guess once you make a statement like that you have to follow through.

wurwolf: Good for Joshua, I guess. It does seem really harsh.

Lita: I feel bad for the kids. Their dad did a stupid thing and they got stoned for it.

Lita: "So the LORD was no longer angry."

wurwolf: I guess Bob didn't say anything about it because he doesn't want a potential convert to think that there's a possibility of being executed for doing something wrong.

Lita: Bob wants you to think you only get your whole town blasted if you're gay.

wurwolf: Frank isn't gay. He's not wearing earrings or insisting that Bob kiss him.

Lita: Though that cute little goatee of his is kind of suspect.



wurwolf: Oh wow. The panel with the cat jumping after the bird weirded me out for a second. I didn't realize we had made the jump back to our time and thought that some ancient city was fighting the Israelites and catapulting something at them.

Lita: I guess the bird vanquished Fang and thus freed the cat to make his attack.

wurwolf: The Gibeonites are getting their flea market together.

Lita: I'm amazed. We're told that the Gibeonites were such wretched sinners that God didn't even want anybody to associate with them. The artist must be using great restraint to not draw us another picture of dudes frenching.

wurwolf: It is pretty surprising.



wurwolf: What do baked potatoes have to do with the scam that the Gibeonites are putting together?

Lita: Hee. They took old sacks upon their asses. I'm 12.

wurwolf: I know! I wanted to white out the last half of the word "upon" and giggle like a little kid.

wurwolf: Even with Bob's explanation that "clouted" means "patched", that sentence still doesn't make any sense to me.

Lita: That one dude needs two hairdressers working at once to make him look disheveled. He must be a total stud.

wurwolf: He needs a whole team working on him.

Lita: "No! I'm still too hot! They'll never buy it! Debbie, you come over here and help fug me up!"

wurwolf: So people in Biblical times spoke in Old English. Heaven forbid we paraphrase.

Lita: Bob is making Joshua sound retarded. Anybody could see through these people if they really threw in "NOW MAKE A TREATY WITH US!" after every sentence.

wurwolf: "Would Joshua fall for their pitiful, phoney trick?" Uh.... yes?

Lita: Yes, but in his defense the Gibeonites made a more convincing argument in the version of the Bible that I'm reading. It is one of those Satanic non-King James versions, though.

wurwolf: That's what happens when you read a Satanic non-KJV. Satan's totally going to make his guys sound like they were awesome when they were scamming Joshua.

Lita: Satan: Joshua still fell for it, but it was a *good* scam instead of a lame scam that a child could see through. (...heh heh... suckers...)



Lita: I love that picture of Joshua slapping his forehead when he finds out he got scammed again.

Lita: "DOH! I'm such an IDIOT!"

wurwolf: It's a total "DOH!" moment.

wurwolf: "Joshua was forced by his promise to defend Satan's children!" Satan's children? Isn't that a bit extreme?

Lita: Bob is skipping some important details, though.

wurwolf: Like what?

Lita: Joshua didn't just say, "Oh well," and go on with his life. The treaty they signed was for the Gibeonites to be the Israelites servants.

Lita: So he made them chop wood and carry water for everybody.

Lita: So it wasn't like they got off scott-free and got to go back to their city and continue their lives of debauchery unimpeded.

wurwolf: So the Israelites could really say that they were defending their property, ie. their servants, rather than "Satan's children".

Lita: They could. And that's how the Gibeonites asked for help. They said, "Don't abandon your servants now!"



Lita: So Satan's the daddy of all con-men. Does that include Ronnie?

wurwolf: That's what Bob's saying. And since Janet is Ronnie's sister, that includes her, too.

Lita: Probably Bob should have destroyed Ronnie instead of talking to him.

Lita: That makes Satan Jacob's daddy too, huh? Since Bob was all proud of how Jacob was an awesome con-man.

wurwolf: That bird loves that fire hydrant. He's back on it.

wurwolf: Now he's defending it from a mouse.

Lita: The bird has conquered the cat, and now a mouse comes to threaten his territory.

wurwolf: It's Wild America, right outside the diner.



wurwolf: Man, Hitler is SO annoyed by the service at the diner!

Lita: Outside you can see the bird flying away as the mouse attacks.

wurwolf: It's quite a saga.

wurwolf: Oh no! The bird is making a beeline for Frank's head!

Lita: He heard what Bob's saying about Frank going to Hell. The bird hates dirty sinners.

wurwolf: He's going to poop on the head of a dirty sinner.

Lita: But Bob sure turned on Frank really quick, didn't he?

Lita: He's telling Frank this story about con-men to make Frank feel better because he got conned, and then all the sudden he's all, "And all the Gibeionites went to Hell because they didn't get their sins forgiven... JUST LIKE YOU!!!"

wurwolf: "You suck just as much as they do!"

wurwolf: The poor guy. Like he hasn't had enough of a bad day. I'll bet he's starting to regret accepting Bob's dinner invitation.

Lita: As do all who run afoul of Bob.

Lita: Bob makes it sound really crappy that the Israelites had to fight for Gibeon, though. Actually, Israel kicked ever-loving ass in the battles that followed, and God did some pretty major miracles to help them out.

wurwolf: Bob's gotta make the Bible fit into his little story.

Lita: And I don't see where it says none of the Gibeonites ever repented of their sins or were redeemed.

Lita: But that's ok, Bob. They were all sinners and went to Hell where all sinners belong.



wurwolf: Nice arty above-the-table shot, but Bob's arm is freaking me out.

Lita: Bob's arm is freaky. It looks like he thinks Frank is going to try to stab him in the hand or something, so he's holding a fake hand on a stick out of his sleeve.

Lita: It must have happened to him before.



wurwolf: This next panel is another example of bad artwork. It looks like the artist drew Bob in, cut out a picture of Frank's back and head, and pasted it over top of Bob at an awkward angle.

Lita: Looks like Bob's going in for a smooch.

wurwolf: They are awfully close.

Lita: "Jesus loves you, Frank... and so do I."

wurwolf: Maybe he can get a three-way going with Shirley. She's got some free time now, I'll bet.

Lita: You kind of knew this was where it was going as soon as Bob picked Frank up at the police station.

wurwolf: That's why Bob hates Sodom & Gomorrah so much. He's so closeted.

wurwolf: Who's that in the shadow-rama? Did some random old man wander into the tract?

wurwolf: The table and the drinks look like they took it out of a clipart book. More crappy artwork.

Lita: Another person who doesn't have the faintest idea what happened to Jesus.



Lita: Is that Death standing on the hill in the stock footage of the crucifixion? I don't remember seeing that before.

wurwolf: It sure looks like it.



wurwolf: There's that clipart of Jesus under the tree again.

Lita: Ouch! Frank just brained himself on the corner of the table!

Lita: I've done that. It hurts!

wurwolf: Wow. This is really his worst day ever.

wurwolf: The dude with his head on sideways really disapproves of Frank rolling around on the floor.

Lita: "I came here for a quiet meal, dammit, and all I get is an hour and a half of sermons and seizures!"

wurwolf: I kind of doubt that Frank is really saved, though. He's not completely prostrate on the floor.

wurwolf: Can Jesus save you even if you're just kneeling?

Lita: I'm in big trouble. Lots of times I don't even close my eyes when I pray.



Lita: Wow! Look at that last panel! The mouse is the victorious king of the hydrant! The bird plans the day when he will return and take his revenge.

wurwolf: Whooo! Go mouse! Go mouse!



wurwolf: I don't like this resolution, because it makes it sound like as soon as you get saved, all of your problems disappear.

wurwolf: They did the same thing in the Framed tract with Joey. He gets saved and immediately the phone rings with news that they caught the people who framed him and his name has been cleared. It just doesn't work that way.

Lita: Which runs counter to something else a lot of fundies will tell you. If things are going too well that's bad. It means Satan isn't bothering to try to trip you up.

Lita: So you get to feel guilty for being happy.

wurwolf: Or, conversely, that if something bad happens to you it's because you didn't have enough faith or you did something to make it happen.

Lita: I am glad these tracts aren't taking that route. If I have to pick between that and unrealistic happy endings, I'll take the happy endings.

wurwolf: I guess, but I think it's leading people on.

wurwolf: Will no one just accept that this is life and this is what happens to people, Christian or not? And that one of the gifts we receive when we're saved is not that all of our problems will go away but that God gives us the grace and strength to get through those problems?

Lita: Nope. Jesus is Santa Claus and He fixes all your problems immediately if you ask Him to.

wurwolf: It's sad. It's putting God in a box.

Lita: Like a big omnipotent mime.