Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Last Judge

So far Bob has been the king of the mountain. Dozens of sinners lie in his wake as he turns on the hypno-eyes and just keeps talking and talking and talking and talking...

This time though Bob meets somebody who may be able to withstand his powers! Will Bob prevail in The Last Judge?

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wurwolf: Wheeeee! Fang makes another appearance, this time in a picture on the wall! Everyone loves that dog!

Lita: That old guy has a picture of Fang and Fang's arch-nemesis Bad Cat on his wall.

Lita: Fang is freaking out at Bad Cat, even in photograph form. And Bad Cat, just like a cat, is just, "Eh. I'm just standing here sniffing this flower. What's your problem?"

wurwolf: You can't stop Fang, you can only hope to contain him! Oh yeah!

Lita: Now that I look more closely, Bad Cat is sticking his little kitty tongue out at Fang, isn't he?

wurwolf: I think he is.

Lita: At first I accidentally typed that Bad Cat was sticking his dongue out at Fang. Satan is in my keyboard!

wurwolf: LOL! The cat is sticking his little kitty dong out!

wurwolf: No wonder Fang's so cranky.

Lita: You know, there's a lot to hate about many of these tracts, but I am honestly loving the continuing adventures of Fang.

wurwolf: Same here. Fang's more interesting than Bob.

Lita: I bet that first panel will be the most interesting thing in this whole entire tract.

Lita: So now we've got a callback to Bob's old nickname. Computer Man.

Lita: GAH!!! I just realized that Bob looks like my brother in that second panel! Only my brother doesn't have a 'stache.

wurwolf: Tell your brother never to grow a sleezestache, or he'll be mistaken for Hitler all the time.

Lita: And he doesn't hypnotize people into listening to endless Bible stories.

Lita: I gave my brother some Chick Tracts once, back when I was in jr. high, to try to save him and stuff. Didn't work.

wurwolf: Kelly's laptop has the biggest hourglass in the middle of it. How good could Bob be at fixing computers if it's doing the hourglass thing?

Lita: Maybe it was broken even more before.

wurwolf: Maybe Bob hypnotized Kelly into thinking it's been fixed.

Lita: The old guy is making a classic Chick Tract mistake. Bob's asking how he is, and now he says "Not too good." That just gives Bob an opening to say, "I know of a guy who was feeling even more not too good than you are!"

Lita: Then again, I guess the guy could say "fine" and Bob would be all, "I know a guy who thought he was fine..."

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wurwolf: Bob's sorry the guy was a tough judge.

Lita: Bob's sorry, but Joey is thrilled.

Lita: He had the judge on his speed dial.

wurwolf: I'm wondering what the judge's accident was. Is that why he has the eye patch? Or did he always wear that because he liked the pirate look?

wurwolf: Judge: Is that stud.... coming?

Lita: I would think having an eye patch would make him an even awesomer judge. The criminals would be like, "Oh, crap! Our judge has an eye patch!"

wurwolf: I'll bet the judge wore his eye patch and played with a piece of rope tied into a noose just to scare the criminals.

Lita: Nobody ever tried to weasel out of jury duty once the judge narrowed his one eye at them.

Lita: He knows the bowtie looks stupid. He wears it on purpose because if he didn't the level of his frightening awesome would be too great for a mere mortal to handle.

Lita: He doesn't even need the walker. It's just to soften the image some more. He got tired of having to sidestep the puddles people would make everywhere he went.

wurwolf: Maybe now we have an adversary worthy enough to go up against Bob and his hypno stare.

Lita: Look at him, though. His hair. His mustache. Could this be... Bob's father?

Lita: "Bob... I am your father..." "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! IT'S NOT TRUE!!!"

wurwolf: Gosh, I hope he cuts off Bob's arm.

Lita: I'd say I hope he kills Bob's mentor, but that would probably be Jesus and I like Jesus.

Lita: I can't believe the Judge's niece didn't warn him not to court trouble by asking Bob to stick around for some coffee. I guess her inheritance doesn't mean that much to her.

Lita: Or maybe she did warn him. The Judge knew of the danger. He wanted to face the danger. He laughs in the face of danger.

wurwolf: I think it's part of Bob's fee for fixing the computer. He doesn't charge much, but he makes you serve him coffee and listen to his Bible stories.

wurwolf: There goes Bob and his classic opening line: "I only know one judge who was like that."

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Lita: "I love history. Tell me his story... please!"

Lita: "Step into my parlor," said the spider to the fly.

wurwolf: Bob's gonna have that old guy bent over with his lumpy butt sticking up in the air before you can say evolution sucks!

Lita: No! The Judge is too strong for Bob! And he has bad knees!

wurwolf: The Judge is turning out to be an easier conquest than Bob thought. He's begging to hear Bob's story.

Lita: It's not because he'll be easily led! It's more of a, "Bring it on," kind of thing

wurwolf: We'll see.

wurwolf: Eli's sons are looking around for more trouble to get into. Jeez, you guys are like in your 40s. Grow up already.

wurwolf: Eli's sons have Jiffy Pop on their heads for some reason.

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Lita: Bob cut out Eli's attitude problem:

Lita: 1 Samuel1:12-14 As she was praying to the LORD, Eli watched her. Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking. "Must you come here drunk?" he demanded. "Throw away your wine!"

Lita: And then she's like, "No, I'm not drinking! I'm praying! It's a temple!" And Eli was like, "Oh. In that case, carry on."

wurwolf: Some high priest.

wurwolf: That wasn't important to Bob. He wanted to make sure we knew that everyone sucked back then because they were doing what was right in their own eyes.

Lita: The Jews apparently weren't all that devout at the time. Eli was so impressed that somebody was actually praying at the temple he promised her that God would grant whatever she was praying for.

wurwolf: What theology school did he go to?

Lita: Bob Jones University.

Lita: Good thing she wasn't praying, "Please, God, strike down that snooty high priest."

wurwolf: She was probably totally annoyed that on that one day she decided to pray for something other than a million dollars.

Lita wonders why Hannah is wearing a European medieval dress

wurwolf: It's because Bob is quoting from the King James.

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Lita: I love the conversation Eli is having with Samuel in the shadowrama. "What did God say?" "He hates you, Old Man, you're going down!" "*sigh* That sounds like Him..."

wurwolf: Samuel's doing the finger point and everything. Looks like God made the right call. Again.

Lita: And for once Bob was right when he called somebody's kids scumbags. Eli's kids really did suck.

Lita: I like that God started his correspondence with Samuel by pranking him. I'm not gonna tell you the whole thing, but you can read it for yourself if you want.

wurwolf: I can totally see God snickering while Samuel's trying to figure out who's calling him. Who hasn't wanted to do that to a little kid?

Lita: Yeah, sure, it's the first time the kids heard God's voice and maybe God could have helped him out a little bit. But how many times is God going to have to mess with the kid before he learns to recognize His voice?

wurwolf: As many times as He wants.

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Lita: The Israelites are fighting a war with Kid n/or Play.

wurwolf: Looks like the one guy gouged out his eyes.

Lita: Which side do you think God helped?

wurwolf: Oh crud, I didn't know there was going to be a quiz with this tract.

wurwolf: I'm so unprepared -- I didn't study!

Lita: Actually, I read that part of the story already. It seemed to me to be less of a case of God helping the Philistines as it was God not helping the Israelites.

wurwolf: Twin Hacksaw Jim Duggans are daring someone to try to take the Ark away!

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Lita: David Crosby falls out of his chair and dies.

wurwolf: His neck actually said CRACK! when he fell.

Lita: I like that the Bible points out when Eli died that he was old and fat.

wurwolf: God thought maybe He should stop before "And he had really bad B.O.!"

Lita: As usual, Bob is totally skipping an awesome part of the story.

wurwolf: Bob leaves out all the fun stuff.

Lita: He says the Ark was soon returned. He doesn't tell us that the whole time the Ark was with the Philistines, God was totally pissed and He gave them all tumors and knocked over their statuary and stuff.

Lita: And the people in the first Philistine city got sick of that pretty quick, so they asked to send the Ark somewhere else. So the second city it went to got all plagued. So they tried to send it to a third city.

Lita: And the third city saw the Ark coming up the road, and they quite understandably cried out, "What the hell are you trying to do? Kill us all? Don't bring that thing in here!"

Lita: So finally they sent the Ark back to Israel.

wurwolf: That's actually more interesting than hearing about Samuel.

Lita: Wow. And to apologize for stealing the ark they also sent along a peace offering. "Five gold tumors and five gold rats, just like those that have ravaged your land"

Lita: I'm sure Israel was thrilled to see those. "Wow. Golden tumors, huh? Thats... nice... thanks..."

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wurwolf: Andy Serkis is insisting on a king!

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wurwolf: So Israel wound up getting a leprechaun for a king, huh?

Lita: Turns out the main reason Israel wanted a king was because Samuel's sons were corrupt and accepting bribes.

wurwolf: So because the priesthood was corrupt, they wanted someone to govern them. That sounds reasonable enough.

Lita: God was not thrilled about it, but it seems like He had to notice a tendency in His priests lately to misbehave. He killed Eli and his sons for that reason.

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Lita: Agag the king of Amalek looks like the gay priest from a few tracts ago.

Lita: I guess it's not shocking that we find out that he gets all cut into pieces.

wurwolf: He does look like Father Ray. I guess he's gay, too, which is why God wanted Saul to wipe Amalek from the face of the earth.

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wurwolf: Why does Samuel look like a homeless guy when he's annointing David?

wurwolf: Maybe that's why Timmy and Tommy's hair was so greasy. They were annointed by Bob to go forth and carry out the message.

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I can't believe the whole story of David and Goliath gets two panels.

Lita: One of the most beloved and inspirational Bible stories there are, and it gets two panels. Wonderful moral about trusting God to bring you through and keep His promises despite all odds. two panels.

Lita: Granted, that second panel rocks my socks off. But still.

wurwolf: Maybe it will be covered in another tract further on.

wurwolf: Goliath is giving the thumbs up.

Lita: I defy the armies of Israel! Woo!!!

wurwolf: Who wouldn't give the thumbs up when you're saying that!

Lita: Goliath just looks so surprised. "I can't believe he just did that! He cut my head off! The little twerp!"

wurwolf: Goliath is actually saying "Heyyyyyyy....." after his head gets cut off.

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Lita: The Judge almost betrays his frightening awesomeness to Bob when he accidentally uses his Darth Vader/Goliath voice while asking, "Who is that?" But then he notices and lightens up a little for the "Tell me!"

wurwolf: He's totally using his big font voice!

Lita: The Judge already knows Bob is talking about God. He's been listening to this whole story where God is judging everybody. He just wants to throw Bob a bone.

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wurwolf: Whatever happened to no graven images? Does the artist get a special dispensation for drawing God?

Lita: The artist is willing to risk damnation if it will save the masses. And God likes that kind of thing.

Lita: Just in case, though, the artist only drew one and they just reprint it in every tract where they need a pic of God.

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wurwolf: I thought the Judge was an honest judge who lived for the law, feared by criminals and respected by lawyers.

Lita: The tract wants us to believe that the Judge is all upset about the idea that somebody might find out he once took money from a smokin' hot European guy. But he'll be dead. What will the people do? Disbar him?

wurwolf: Isn't he retired? It's not like he's a judge any more.

Lita: He's furrowing his brow and gulping because he just got a bad swallow of coffee

Lita: And this judgment thing happens in the afterlife anyway. It won't affect his reputation on Earth.

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wurwolf: It looks like part of being a judge is knowing how to point. Even God's doing it.

Lita: The Judge has some very lovely potted plants there.

wurwolf: I'm surprised we're not seeing birds flying around on the patio.

Lita: It's a very nice patio. I wonder if Home and Garden Television came in and did that for him.

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Lita: "Jesus! My old nemesis! I thought he was dead!"

Lita: Suddenly you can see the Judge's rockin' scar under his eye patch.

wurwolf: He was so startled when Bob dropped the J-bomb that he almost lost his eye patch.

wurwolf: Boy, for a judge he sure is dumb. They're talking about being judged in the afterlife and he's shocked to hear that Jesus, who he thought was dead, is going to be doing the judging. Like, do you have to be alive to judge in the afterlife?

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Lita: "Jesus is alive and well. You nearly got Him in Gethsemane, but He rose from the dead and He is pissed off. You are in deep shit, my fine one-eyed friend."

wurwolf: Bob breaks out the legalese for the Judge.

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wurwolf: Bob looks like he's going to try to kiss the Judge. What is with him and the making out with other dudes? I thought he was against that.

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Lita: There's something off about the Judge's salvation prayer.

Lita: He's not on the floor making us look at his lumpy butt.

Lita: You may choose to believe that Bob has won this round, but the Judge's lack of groveling tells me otherwise.

wurwolf: It actually annoys me, because why does this guy get away with not having his lumpy butt up in the air? Just because he's a judge? Is having your lumpy butt up in the air only for the lower classes?

Lita: You can't say it's because he's injured and uses a walker. Shirley got the living crap beat out of her and still had to climb off her death bed to do her praying on the floor where women belong.

wurwolf: Old white men get special privileges in Bob's world.

wurwolf: God's so pleased that the Judge signed on that He's shining a ray of light on him.

Lita: The Judge is victorious.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So, we've previously seen some old bag walking Fang, yet his picture is hanging on the wall of Kelly and Unca George. Who's dog is he? Is the old bag the judge's wife? Or is Fang a famous dog model who's work the judge finds appealing? I'm sure this thrilling subplot will continue to unfold. I really enjoy the Fang appearances as much as the rest of the tracts. It's like looking for Hitchcock.

The judge has a Hal Holbrook look going on. Either that or it's "Old" George from the very end of Parts:The Clonus Horror.

Bob calls the judge "your honor". I'm surprised he would allow himself to call anyone but Jesus "your honor".

Love that panel of David holding up Goliath's head! "Duhhh, gee Davey, you sure play rough!"

Not only is the judge spared the lumpy butt treatment, but he also gets off without a sinner's prayer! Methinks he's too prideful.

Lastly, I just have to call out the following riffs that literally had me laughing out loud when I read them:

Lita: Then again, I guess the guy could say "fine" and Bob would be all, "I know a guy who thought he was fine..."

wurwolf: Gosh, I hope he cuts off Bob's arm.

Lita: I love the conversation Eli is having with Samuel in the shadowrama. "What did God say?" "He hates you, Old Man, you're going down!" "*sigh* That sounds like Him..."

wurwolf: Maybe that's why Timmy and Tommy's hair was so greasy. They were annointed by Bob to go forth and carry out the message

Lita: "Jesus! My old nemesis! I thought he was dead!"

Great job, ladies!

ns (bw bw)