Payback!

Payback's a bitch unless you convert to Christianity. That's the message of our latest tract, Payback.

Lita: Dammit! Who is that on the cover? Why don't I ever get around to making my Chick Tract chart?!

Lita: Janet's brother Ronnie. That's who he is.

wurwolf: Oh, you just wait, sister. There's a panel coming up that's a veritable who's who of Chick tracts.

Lita prepares for a brain explosion

wurwolf: It's a hoot.



Lita: Poor Fang. He's just trying to do his morning stretching exercises and there Badcat is sneaking up on him ready to engage him in another battle.

wurwolf: He's not stretching, he's barking at the bird. It's the whole Badcat/Fang/bird threesome.

wurwolf: They're only missing the mouse and the screaming squirrel.

wurwolf: Fang is leaning up against the copyright bar.

Lita: I don't see any bird.

wurwolf: It's there in front of the bush, but it's got an aura around it so it doesn't blend in.

Lita: Oh. Why is it hanging off the side of the copyrighted lamppost instead of sitting on top of it like a normal bird?

Lita: Maybe Badcat stapled the bird's feet to the lamppost in order to entice Fang and open him up to attack.

wurwolf: Badcat would totally do that.



wurwolf: Man, Alan's got a head like a gourd.

wurwolf: It's the whole thing with the car again. That drives (no pun intended) me nuts in these tracts. Why does everyone look like they're sitting in the bathtub when they're driving?



Lita: Alan and Keli are going to run over Badcat!

Lita: Oh, wait, no. That's the back of the car. Where's Fang? Maybe they already got him.

wurwolf: He's probably still back there barking at the stapled bird.

wurwolf: The artist really has issues drawing people with dark hair. It always looks like they dumped a bucket of paint on their head.

Lita: Kelli has a padlock on her ear.

wurwolf: I don't know if I should say this, but I get a strong Jewish vibe from Kelli in looks. I don't like that feeling because this tract is about money and stealing, and I don't know what kind of comment Chick tracts is trying to make about Jewish people.

Lita: I've gotten strong ethnic vibes from several characters in previous tracts, but I didn't bring it up because the tract didn't explicitly SAY that the person was in that group.

Lita: So if you say the tract is bashing a certain group, how can you know? Defenders can always say its your stereotypical views that make you see that.

wurwolf: Exactly, that's why I hesitate to bring it up.



Lita: If I had a relative I cared about, say my grandmother, and every time I called that person her caretaker, say my delinquent cousin, told me that she was, for one reason or another, indisposed, I'd look into those claims.

Lita: I don't live close enough that I could go there on a whim myself, but I have other relatives who do, and I would get them to go check on her or drop by unexpectedly.

wurwolf: In the first panel Mr. Banks told Kelli that she was his favorite nurse, leading me to believe that he's got a rotating staff of nurses looking after him. So why is the family calling when Kelli is there? Why not call when one of the other, more easy-going nurses is there?

Lita: She imitates different voices over the phone so they can't tell it's always her.

wurwolf: Or, did Kelli kill off those other nurses one by one, thereby ensuring her sole claim to Mr. Banks' fortune?

Lita: Nurse Kelli may be the old guy's favorite person, but I don't think his relatives know her well enough to have that same trust. How has she been able to put them off for three months?

wurwolf: If his relatives didn't trust Kelli, wouldn't that be all the more impetus for them to find out what the hell is going on?

Lita: And if he's really, really sick, wouldn't that make it more important to go visit him and check up on how he's feeling?

wurwolf: There's a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff going on in this tract. They want you to just go along with their dumb little set-up, but there are a lot of unanswered questions here.

wurwolf: Stop asking about your relatives, Uncle John! They don't love you!



Lita: I can't help but wonder about that will. Did he know he was signing a will? Did she make changes he didn't see? Or has she successfully convinced him that his family hates him so he willingly signs everything over to her?

Lita: Because if he's not signing everything over to her right now, that's a waste of a perfectly good will-signing panel

wurwolf: "Sweetie"? "Luv"? "I'll do it for you"? Now they're just getting creepy.

Lita: She's trying to use her sexuality on him.



wurwolf: Boy, nobody draws people dying like Chick tracts. They always look like they've been dead in a swamp for a week.

Lita: He looks like a California Raisin.

wurwolf: In striped pajamas.

Lita: I wonder if it's arsenic in that glass.

wurwolf: Either that or she's been withholding medicine. Which, duh, don't you think the doctors will find out?

Lita: She'll just tell the doctors that the corpse is sleeping right now and must not be disturbed.

wurwolf: That lamppost has some balls.

Lita: Kelli actually said, "Sob, sob!" That should be the family's first clue that something is up.

wurwolf: She could barely stop herself from saying "Ho hum."



Lita: This lawyer must be new. All wills are contestable. Why do you think they get contested all the time?

wurwolf: Mr. Banks must have loads of money. He had Perry Mason on retainer to read his will!



Lita: They made sure to make the family look like a bunch of evil little trolls. Who am I supposed to sympathize with?

Lita: Oh, wait. Bob. Of course.

wurwolf: I like the person in the back with the sunglasses and the flop of hair.

Lita: It must be fun to have 80's Boy George in the family.



Lita: The angry aunt in the front is bleeding from her forehead!

wurwolf: She just got out of a pro wrestling match and is bloody from a cheese grater.

Lita: She must have gotten into a fight in the parking lot with that portly sparkly gentleman next to her over how the inheritence would be divided.

wurwolf: Perry Mason is giving them the finger.

Lita: Super Mario in the back row is indignant.



Lita: Harry Potter's friend Hermione is not at all concerned that her neigbor has cancer. Figures! That little witch!

wurwolf: "My big sister had cancer!" I'll bet her sister just had a mole removed.

Lita: At least Hermione believes in faith healing.

wurwolf: Is that Badcat in the garden with little Bonnie? Seven years later and Fang still hasn't gotten rid of him?

Lita: Maybe Badcat finally vanquished Fang.

wurwolf: Oh no! Take me out of this future without Fang!

Lita: I heard Jesus raised a guy from the dead once. Maybe if Hermione prays, Fang will rise from the dead.

wurwolf: Here's the person you're supposed to sympathize with: little Bonnie. Know how I can tell? She's beautiful.

Lita: Witches can magic themselves pretty, wurwolf. Inside she's ugly, and Jesus hates ugly witches!

wurwolf: I stand by Chick Publication's assertion that sinners are hideously ugly and Christians are beautiful people.



wurwolf: And now, here we are at the Who's Who of Chick Tracts Panel!

Lita: Wow! Look at who all goes to church with Bob! There's Janet, and Ronnie, and the judge, and the gay priest!

wurwolf: And look who's preaching! Malcom X!

Lita: I was going to say it was reverand Jesse Jackson, but when I looked at some pictures of him I saw that he doesn't look that much like him.

Lita: I guess Bob's other converts all backslid.

wurwolf: Maggie, Samantha and Jason have got to be there, too.

wurwolf: I think that's Frank, behind Bob.

wurwolf: Roger's not there because he dropped dead and went to hell.

Lita: Presumably Bob had to set Samantha on fire for her witchery.

wurwolf: Oh right, probably. I'm guessing he pushed her into the bonfire after the tract closed.

Lita: As she went up in flames tears rolled down Bob's face as he cried out, "Stop screaming! I'm doing this for you!! Can't you see I'm doing this for you??!!"

Lita: Wow. Too dark?

wurwolf: No way. Bob's soul is as black as night.

Lita: Wow! Somebody other than Bob gets to tell the bible story this time!

wurwolf: I wonder if we'll get the biblical version rather than Bob's version.

Lita: I hope Bob can restrain himself from jumping up in the middle of the sermon to elaborate on Malcolm's story.





wurwolf: "Old Naboth"? Does the Bible say he's old?

Lita: I think the tract is trying to make Malcolm sound black.

wurwolf: You might be right. If you go back and try to read it thinking that Bob's saying it, it doesn't really sound like him.

Lita: I should probably look up this story since I don't think I'm familiar with it.

Lita: This is taking a while to read. And it turnes out it's the story of Jezebel, so prepare for some woman hating!

wurwolf: Yup, Jezebel figures big in this story.

Lita: Though, in fairness to the tract (though I haven't read the rest of it yet), what she did was pretty bad and the Bible is fairly unforgiving to her so it would be understandable for the tract to focus blame on her.

wurwolf: Yeah, I wouldn't say that it's uncalled-for woman hating. She's famous for being a big huge bitch.

Lita: I believe that a lot of Malcolm's dialogue is written to sound more "folksey," but he's right. The king really was pouting around the palace like a spoiled brat.

Lita: I like the way the New Living Translation puts it, "So Ahab went home angry and sullen because of Naboth's answer. The king went to bed with his face to the wall and refused to eat!"

wurwolf: Yeah, that is pretty pouty.



Lita: "Naboth answered I will not give thee my vineyard"? Is Ahab saying he's not giving his own vineyard to Jezebel? Because otherwise there should be some more quotation marks in that quotation.

wurwolf: It's Naboth's vineyard. Chick tracts got sloppy with their puncuation.

wurwolf: Just like "Remember Samantha!"

Lita: "Naboth was about to face the fury of one of the most vicious women who ever lived." (emphasis mine) Because we know all women are vicious. She was just unusually so.

Lita: I do like that cow lamp in the back. Very kitch. I should get the number of Jezebel's decorator.

wurwolf: Where does the light shine from, I wonder?

Lita: That lightbulb on the cow's head, of course. It's a very smart cow, always having bright ideas.

wurwolf: It's better than solar lighting, anyway.



wurwolf: You know, Malcolm doesn't need to tell us that the signet ring is for stamping the royal documents. I think we can figure out that Jezebel made it look all official.

Lita: I like Ahab's signature. Even back then when you wrote letters the body was all blocky and regular and then you signed with big loopy script.

wurwolf: I think that says John Hancock, not King Ahab.

Lita: I think it says "Jaba"

Lita: Poor Jezebel forgot the other b.

wurwolf: Malcolm's so loud that you can hear him preaching if you're standing out in the street.

Lita: He's just so outraged at the deception.



wurwolf: "Naboth blasphemed God and King Ahab!" Uh.... could you be more specific?

Lita: Is that blood from Naboth's crushed bloody skull that that dog is licking up? I think I see hair growing off it.

wurwolf: It's hard to tell. They went overboard with the shading.

Lita: Actually, the more I look at it the more I can see where the face is and the beard and the nose and the eyes. His head is all snapped sideways unnaturally to his shoulders and I think his hand is severed. I know the artists really groove on gore, but this panel is really disgusting, even for a Chick Tract.

wurwolf: You know how the artist loves to amp up the gore.

wurwolf: Fang was wasted in the first panel. They should have put him in here.

wurwolf: His ears and tail would be sticking straight up while he's licking up the blood.

Lita: I can't stop looking at it. It's really sick. Talk about rushing the Halloween season.

wurwolf: Even the people in the next panel can't stop looking at it.



Lita: I don't remember the Bible calling Ahab "henpecked" or anything like it.

Lita: Ok, I'm not defending Jezebel. I'm defending women. Ahab was pouting, so Jezebel said she'd fix the problem that was making him grumpy. How does that make Ahab henpecked?

Lita: Because she overstepped her bounds as the quiet wife who just sits in the palace and weaves tapestries or whatever it is that good queens are allowed to do?

wurwolf: Yes. Just like Hillary Clinton.

Lita: There are a lot of bad things you could legitimately say about Jezebel. I don't like that they're piling extra sins on that the Bible, as far as I can see, doesn't really give a base to. They don't need to in Jezebel's case, and they do this a lot.



wurwolf: "Watch how all this came to pass". How are the people in the pews supposed to do that, Malcolm?

Lita: Malcolm skipped the part of the story where Ahab got so scared by Elijah's prophesy that he fasted and wore sackcloth and stuff so God agreed to delay his death for a little while.

wurwolf: It wasn't relevant as far as Malcolm was concerned.

Lita: Actually, the way I read it, in both the NLT Bible and the King James, is that God said, "Ok, he's behaving. I won't do all that stuff in his lifetime." And then God totally did anyway.

Lita: Though I guess you could say Ahab was already dead when the dogs started licking up his blood.

Lita: He was definitely already dead when the dogs got Jezebel.

wurwolf: God had a loophole.

wurwolf: Evidently, dogs were really handy clean-up crews in biblical times.



wurwolf: "Years later that murderous old witch, Jezebel, finally went to the dogs." Can't miss an opportunity to malign witches.

Lita: Watch out, Hermione. You're next. I bet Bob was totally looking pointedly at her during this part of the sermon. But she didn't notice because she's sitting a row ahead of him.

wurwolf: She couldn't feel his hypno stare.

wurwolf: So I guess wild dogs were just roaming the city, looking for people to devour? Weren't people frightened for their lives?

Lita: Actually, from what I've heard about dogs back then, pretty much.

Lita: By the way, the passage about Jezebel's death is really something, and for once the tract doesn't do the gore justice.

Lita: From the New Living (so you can understand the thing,):

Lita: Jehu looked up and saw her at the window and shouted, "Who is on my side?" And two or three eunuchs looked out at him. "Throw her down!" Jehu yelled. So they threw her out the window, and some of her blood spattered against the wall and on the horses. And Jehu trampled her body under his horses' hooves.

Lita: Then Jehu went into the palace and ate and drank. Afterward he said, "Someone go and bury this cursed woman, for she is the daughter of a king." But when they went out to bury her, they found only her skull, her feet, and her hands.

wurwolf: "It was pretty gross."

Lita: So Jehu not only had her thrown out a window, he got on his horse and backed over her a few times. And then he went out drinking.

Lita: I want to see that tract.

wurwolf: I'm surprised they didn't draw a couple of severed hands in that picture.

Lita: "It was pretty gross," as evidenced by a happily belching dog and a woman nearby saying, "Yuk!" That is a scene that my dog and I reinact weekly.

Lita: Though my dog is much cuter than the dog in the tract. The artist did at least think to draw the dog's belly bulging with human flesh.

Lita: I am not, by the way, saying that my dog's belly bulges with human flesh.

wurwolf: Listen, I don't wanna know what you do out there in California.

Lita: Good. You don't need to know.

wurwolf: Those dogs came in as handy as Wu's pigs.



Lita: Kelli has only just now realized that what she did was very, very wrong.

wurwolf: She didn't know before, evidently.

Lita: Apparently she already believes in God and Heaven and Hell, since she has no trouble accepting that God sends people there. But she is shocked, shocked, that murdering a kindly old man so that she could forge his will and steal the inheritence is something that could qualify you for the Hell list.

wurwolf: What did she think would send you there?

Lita: Catholicism?

Lita: I'd object to Malcolm assuming that God sent Jezebel and Ahab both to Hell, but I have to admit it's probably a fair assumption in this case.

wurwolf: It's nice, though, that he tells us that we shouldn't look down on Jezebel and Ahab, because we've all done bad stuff.

Lita: I do think it's interesting that in every one of these tracts we get a roster of who went to Hell.

wurwolf: I think we're meant to be keeping track.

wurwolf: Well, she's not completely bent over, but you do get a look at her lumpy butt in the conversion panel.



Lita: Bob looks on smugly at Kelli's pain and fear.

wurwolf: So evidently you can confess to a murder and embezzling and still get off scott free?

Lita: You can't see Joey in that panel because he's already out in the church lobby calling the police.

wurwolf: Pastor Malcolm has pronounced it settled. So it is written, so it shall be.

Lita: Joey didn't hear that though. He left before Malcolm said that because of his obsessive compulsive cop calling.

wurwolf: They should have had the judge there making the decision.



Lita: Cancer kills you a week after you are diagnosed in this world. I guess Kelli waited a really long time before telling her doctor about her symptoms.

wurwolf: Can you imagine if God healed her cancer and she had to face all of Mr. Bank's relatives in court?

Lita: I wonder. If God had cured her cancer, would she have given the money back?

wurwolf: Of course not. She didn't need to, because Pastor Malcolm pronounced the matter settled.

wurwolf: I wonder if Malcolm's having flashbacks in her hospital room to when he was beaten senseless by those sodomites.



Lita: Mr. Banks' family are still sitting in that same room after all these years.

wurwolf: And they still all look exactly the same. They're caught in a time warp.

Lita: I wonder about Mr. James. I guess Kelli left her husband nothing?

wurwolf: Oh yeah, Gourd-Head Alan? She left him penniless.

Lita: Although Alan never really said he approved of Kelli's plan, he never explicitly disapproved either. So he gets NOTHING.

wurwolf: Frank the Frowner will never forgive her!

Lita: He's the flashy guy who took a brick to the Aunt's head at the beginning of the tract.

Lita: He's still wearing his sparkley sequined blazer.

wurwolf: And a turtle neck!

Lita: Poor Frank's going to hell, but he's going in style.

Lita: I'm glad this tract is closing on a happy note.

Read more!

Caught!

Not to be confused with "Framed!" This week we take on "Caught!" As usual, click on the link to see the full, unedited version.








Lita: Motel Delight. That's wishful thinking.

wurwolf: The only thing missing under the sign is the hourly room rates.

Lita: I guess this guy is Fang's real owner, and that other guy we saw really was his dog walker.

Lita: Either that or this guy met Fang on the way to pick up his lady and thought he'd spice up the evening.

wurwolf: The guy brings his dog to a seedy motel where he bangs his chicks? Just what was he planning on doing with Fang there anyway?

Lita: Fang looks a little frightened. I don't blame him.

wurwolf: Fang should have a balloon over his head saying "Eeep!"

wurwolf: I love how the demons are all delighted with the room.

Lita: They rarely see motel rooms with such fine furnishings.

wurwolf: I guess after being stuck in Hell this room is awesome.

Lita: I understand why all these demons are skulking around the room. But what's with the angel hanging around behind the guy?

wurwolf: That's TV's Richard Mulligan again. He's there to take pictures.

Lita: Are we to believe that this guy is a Christian? Because if there's anything these tracts have taught me, it's that Christians do not sin. Ever.

Lita: The angel had to slouch over to get in the doorway.

wurwolf: Lucky you, apparently tall = good angels while short = evil demons.

wurwolf: Why all the hating on short people?

Lita: Obviously if God liked you he'd have made you tall.

Lita: I just noticed that the man's hands are on the woman's shoulders, and the angels' hands are on the man's shoulders. If I didn't know better, I'd anticipate some sort of chain-banging in the works here.





wurwolf: The angel says "Terrible!", but he's not putting the camera down. What a perv.

Lita: This poor woman is about to get into a man/woman/dog/angel/4 demon orgy

wurwolf: Maybe they're filming a porno.

wurwolf: "As God is my witness!" Sure, that's what all the ladies love to hear.

Lita: That turtleneck really just amps up the sleeze, doesn't it?

Lita: AND he tucked it in.

Lita: You know how anti-shirt-tucking I am.

wurwolf: I don't know how she kept herself from doing him right at the front door.



Lita: Ok. I have to say, I really love that demon at the table there. He is having such a blast.

wurwolf: He is really cute. Look at him, he's laughing away and his leg is sticking out. Adorable!

Lita: He's laughing and kicking his feet and sliding off the seat. It's just like me after a good margarita.

wurwolf: Yeah, but your feet reach the floor.

Lita: Yes, they do, usually.

wurwolf: There's a GASP! explosion going on over Roger's head.

wurwolf: Poor Fang, he gets dragged to the filthy motel room but they ditch him when it comes time to eat.

Lita: Fang must feel so used.

Lita: I'm amazed that it took that guy three hours. He just doesn't seem like the type.

wurwolf: Maybe they had the room for a minimum of three hours and spent 2 hours and 57 minutes watching free HBO.

Lita: Filthy sinners.



wurwolf: Hee! The demon is saying "Haw! Haw!"

wurwolf: In the second panel I thought the woman was a very young girl and was really getting skeeved out. I thought maybe we were in for a child molestation story. But now I see she's a grown woman.

Lita: I love how the buttinsky who ruined Roger's date has to rub it in to the other woman by pointing out Roger's beautiful wife and three great kids.

wurwolf: He left out, "Which you will never have, you filthy whore."

Lita: Poor woman didn't know Roger was a cheater! Don't be such a jerk!

wurwolf: He's got cheater written all over his cheap turtleneck.

Lita: I'm sure he sells used cars, too, but some women just don't have the necessary built-in dirtbag detectors.

Lita: The woman calls the wife the next day to fess up, but it looks like the wife was already crying when she answered the phone. She knew something was up.

wurwolf: Her built-in dirtbag detector didn't kick in until just now

wurwolf: She's also holding a mini-phone.




wurwolf: Nice F.U. note. "YOU PROBABLY HAVE AIDS!"

wurwolf: I love how she signs it, "Shame on you," and her name.

Lita: Most of the letter is in HUGE BLOCKY CAPS LOCK and then she signs her name in pretty cursive script

wurwolf: She didn't want to end the letter on a down note.

Lita: You probably have AIDS? I hope she can say that because Jessica really did tell her EVERYTHING.

wurwolf: Maybe she needs to call Jessica back and let her know.

Lita: I'm saying Jessica had AIDS and she got it from her cheating ex-husband and she's totally getting revenge on all the assbag husbands out there by seducing them and giving them AIDS.

Lita: That would be an awesome tract. I should contact the Chick Publications people.

wurwolf: That tract would riff itself.



wurwolf: "Little Jessica"? Maybe she is a kid?

Lita: Linda is such a thoughtful wife. She wrote "RIP!" on the back of her letter so Roger would know what to do with it.

Lita: Either that or she sent him a death threat...

wurwolf: Roger is still wearing his turtleneck. That thing must stink.

Lita: I suspect there is always a stink hanging around Roger

Lita: The writer wants me to get all uppity about Roger saying he hopes Jessica didn't get herself pregnant! You know, because he helped too and whatnot. Still, I can't seem to get my panties in a twist about it. I think mainly because I know the writer wants me to.

Lita: He's a sleeze. It's what he is. He's true to himself.

wurwolf: Yeah, I get the same feeling. The author is pretty hamfisted in his attempt to make us despise Roger. That's a pretty good clue of what the ending will be.

Lita: Though I kind of wonder why they made him look like an evil Ray Romano.



wurwolf: I was thinking more along the lines of Jerry Orbach.



Lita: Maybe Roger is the product of that time Ray and Jerry had a forbidden encounter that will be covered in a future tract.

wurwolf: I can't wait for that one.




wurwolf: Henry doesn't have time for his cousin's request for prayer. But Bob has all the time in the world.

wurwolf: Bob is practically salivating over the chance to spend some time with Roger.

Lita: And now Roger looks completely different. The new Rog looks like somebody I should know, too, but I can't keep up with all these personi!

Lita: I wonder if it's the AIDS that's making him crosseyed.

wurwolf: At first I thought he had on a coat with a big fur collar, but now I think he's just leaning over to shake Bob's hand.

Lita: I want it to be a big furry pimp coat.

Lita: Now that Roger has asked for prayer and talked about God a few times and revealed that he has Christian relatives, I wonder if he's going to be all baffled about this mysterious Christ person Bob keeps talking about.



wurwolf: They're back in Bob's living room on the see-through furniture.

wurwolf: I wonder if Helen will show up and offer them hot chocolate.

Lita: Bob sees through your lies, Roger.

Lita: Just as easily as we see through his bubble chair.

wurwolf: Wow, Bob's hypno stare is really working on Roger! He breaks right down and tells the truth and turns into ET.

Lita: Yeah... the AIDS has caused him to melt into some sort of ape\lizard hybrid.

wurwolf: AIDS will do that to you, according to Chick Publications.

wurwolf: Bob goes all holier-than-thou on Roger: "No, I don't know."

Lita: Bob is also quick to point out to Roger that God is not quick to forgive.

Lita: If Roger and this woman went to the same church, how did she not know he was married?

Lita: It seems like she would have seen him with his wife at some point.

wurwolf: Maybe it's one of those mega-churches that you can lose yourself in.

Lita: But small enough that he would notice that she needs comforting.

Lita: And he introduced himself one of those times that his wife got lost.

Lita: She forgot they were sitting in row G-7 in the Apostle Paul section.

wurwolf: And Jessica took one look at that tucked-in turtleneck and fell. Hard.

Lita: So hard that she bumped her head on the pew in front of her and when she woke up she was weirdly attracted to Roger.




wurwolf: Mean ol' Bob is harshing Roger's mood.

Lita:

o/` Everybody's doin' it, doin' it, doin' it
o/` Pick their nose and chewin' it, chewin' it chewin it

wurwolf:

o/` Thinkin' that it's adultery but it's snot.

Lita: Bob's gift of knowing who is and isn't going to Hell must be so hard on him. When he looks at the world, he sees not people, but sinners on their way to the firey pit.

wurwolf: It's like Haley Joel Osmont in The Sixth Sense, having to live with the burden of seeing dead people.

wurwolf: Except I don't feel sorry for Bob.

Lita: It explains why he is the way he is, though. I suppose I too would be afraid of building friendships with people who I knew would one day spend eternity in torment. I, too, might cover myself in a shield of unlikeability.

wurwolf: I think it's just because he's a dick.

Lita: Ok, if you want the easy explanation.



Lita: Yes, Bob. Let's take a hard look at good King David. Let us take a long, hard, thrusting look at King David.




wurwolf: I find it hard to believe that David was playing the soothing sounds of his lyre after killing the lion. What dude wouldn't have been full of adrenalin and yelling about how he totally kicked the lion's ass?

Lita: That one little baby sheep is totally sniffing the dead lion's head. That cracks me up.

wurwolf: The sheep are singing along with David.



wurwolf: I'm shocked that they're not saying "See tract #12 The Last Judge". Because we all have a complete set of these tracts for reference.



wurwolf: Goliath is barking out orders and shaking his fist around, but he's got on a dumb hat. He looks like one of those guys in The Mole People.





wurwolf: It's raining when Goliath is barking out his challenge but it clears up nicely when David cuts his head off.

Lita: I like the look on David's face when he holds up the head. It's like, "Eww... this is so gross... I hope I don't drip any blood on myself.."

wurwolf: Goliath's eyes are forever turned upward to look at the rock in his forehead.



Lita: The devil is striking David by causing spiders to crawl up his shirt.




wurwolf: I wonder if David is short or tall.

Lita: He was tall during all the cool stuff he did, but suddenly became short for a couple of weeks while he committed adultery.

wurwolf: Uh oh. David's hanging out on the roof but you can see a black shadow with a horn sticking out. You know that's a demon sneaking up on him.



wurwolf: He's making a really stupid face while he's ogling the naked woman.

Lita: Just like a man. He can generally be really swell and smart and an all around great guy and then he gets all stupid as soon as he sees a naked lady.

wurwolf: What was she doing up on the roof washing herself anyway?

wurwolf: When I want to take a bath I go in the bathroom and hop in the tub.

Lita: This was before plumbing.

Lita: From this picture I get the impression that demons cause us to sin. This raises a few questions in my mind.

Lita: I know it's fun to draw demons into Bible stories where there are no demons, but they're taking responsibility for Sin off of the human shoulders and putting it on the demons'.

Lita: If it's the demon that causes man to sin, then why does God punish us? From this frame I can see that it was clearly not David's fault he sinned. He was standing around minding his own business and probably thinking about God when a demon snuck up behind him and grabbed him and posessed him!

Lita: So God should punish the demon, not the man!

wurwolf: Nope. In Bob's unforgiving world, it's David's fault for listening to the demon and not fighting him off like he did the lion and Goliath.

Lita: If Chick Tracts really want to bring people to God they should probably try actually telling the real story instead of making crap up like they do. How is putting demons into stories where there are no demons and cutting out key plot points in order to make certain people look worse or better than they were ok while modernizing the phrasing of the stories so that modern people can understand them is the work of the Devil?

wurwolf: That's a very good question. One which you're not likely to get answered by reading a Chick tract.



wurwolf: Is that one angel by the bedside supposed to be the devil? Or is one lone angel hanging out with the demons?

wurwolf: Oh, here we go. Now we're referring back to other tracts. I was wondering why they were quoting the Bible and not themselves.

Lita: Well, Bob wouldn't want to refer to the Bible here. This whole bit about angels and demons watching David sleep with Bathsheba isn't anywhere in the Bible.

wurwolf: The King James Version: The only version of the Bible that Bob has messed with.



wurwolf: Wow, David committed so many sins Bob had to break out the triple stars.

Lita: At first I was wondering why Bob went all bald and grey all the sudden, and then I realized the tract is just switched back to the story with no transition again. It's so jarring.

wurwolf: Well, Bob does look like he's losing his hair in the panel before.

wurwolf: DAVID WAS CAUGHT! Yeah, you think? Thanks for yelling it at us.

Lita: And meanwhile we get the same Bible verse thrown at us as we got at the beginning of the tract.

Lita: I guess Bob doesn't have enough real Bible verses to back up what he says. He has to repeat himself.

wurwolf: Bob wants to make sure his point is hammered home.



Lita: David looks like he's showing Uriah something he just pulled out of his nose.

Lita: "Come on, Uriah. Everybody's doin' it..."

wurwolf: "David wasn't being nice." I didn't think that by telling someone they should go sleep with their wife was being nice.

Lita: "Go have some sex. I'm just being nice."

Lita: You know, other than adding a whole bunch of demons who weren't actually in the story, Bob's actually remaining halfway faithful to the Bible.

Lita: I guess with all the hot steamy sex in this story, Bob doesn't want to skip anything.

wurwolf: It's his one chance to be legitimately porny.

Lita: And all the demons are nude too, I suppose.

wurwolf: Of course.

Lita: I personally am of the opinion that demons look all suave and sophisticated and good-looking. Easier to take people in if you don't look like a big fat snorting warty pig.






wurwolf: Bob doesn't just say that Uriah died in combat. He has to make sure we know he was slaughtered.

Lita: Chick artists really love the gore.



wurwolf: Here comes Nathan to rain on David's parade.

Lita: DAVID WAS OUTRAGED! Yeah, I would be too. That was a lame story.

wurwolf: David, you really fell for it. You know Nathan's a prophet of God. He's not showing up just to tell you some fun little fairy tale.

Lita: Like anybody is going to come before the king just to tell a little story for the hell of it. Of course there's an ulterior motive.




wurwolf: Man, Bob is just shouting stuff out, isn't he? DAVID WAS CAUGHT, BUT HE REPENTED!

wurwolf: Alright already, we get it. We're sitting right here.

Lita: Well, these filthy adulterors just piss him off so much.

Lita: Pretty ballsy of Nathan to scream at the king and point at him like that.

Lita: That's a beheadable offense in some parts.

wurwolf: It looks like Nathan turned into Saul



Lita: "You seem to know the story about David's sin, but do you really understand the Gospel?"

Lita: If Roger knew the whole story already why did Bob just spend all this time telling it?

Lita: What am I saying? Like Bob needs a reason to spout off his Bible stories. He loves no sound more than that of his own voice.

wurwolf: Exactly.

wurwolf: That's the first time Bob's told a story and the person has heard of it before.



wurwolf: I love it. Bob is apologizing for his inability to go to hell.

Lita: "Sorry, we can't... Jesus saved us, Roger." Bob is such a snooty snotty smartass.



wurwolf: Roger and his turtleneck have had enough of Bob's superiority! They're leaving!

Lita: Drop dead, Bob!

Lita: He speaks for all of us.

wurwolf: You can't fault Roger for wishing Bob to drop dead.




wurwolf: Gross! Eight weeks later, Roger drops dead, and he's still wearing that turtleneck.

Lita: Roger's corpse will never smell so bad as his sweater does now.

wurwolf: At least he untucked it.

Lita: 8 weeks later, Roger dropped dead... of the AIDS.

wurwolf: Death looks a lot smaller in person.



wurwolf: "How did Roger make out?" Jessica: "Actually, he kind of sucked."

wurwolf: Bob was standing around the throne room of Heaven and saw all this about Roger go down.

Lita: Note that he's not at all down about Roger dying and going to hell. He asked for it.

Lita: He didn't even pray that God would help him get through to Roger at the beginning of the tract like he has with other sinners.

wurwolf: He was on the offensive as soon as Roger sat down with his, "Did you?"

Lita:

Men, said the Devil,
are good to their brothers:
they don’t want to mend
their own ways, but each other's.

wurwolf: Are you listening, Bob?

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US. Closing poem, "Mankind," was written by Piet Hein and the copyright is held by his estate.)

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