Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Caught!

Not to be confused with "Framed!" This week we take on "Caught!" As usual, click on the link to see the full, unedited version.








Lita: Motel Delight. That's wishful thinking.

wurwolf: The only thing missing under the sign is the hourly room rates.

Lita: I guess this guy is Fang's real owner, and that other guy we saw really was his dog walker.

Lita: Either that or this guy met Fang on the way to pick up his lady and thought he'd spice up the evening.

wurwolf: The guy brings his dog to a seedy motel where he bangs his chicks? Just what was he planning on doing with Fang there anyway?

Lita: Fang looks a little frightened. I don't blame him.

wurwolf: Fang should have a balloon over his head saying "Eeep!"

wurwolf: I love how the demons are all delighted with the room.

Lita: They rarely see motel rooms with such fine furnishings.

wurwolf: I guess after being stuck in Hell this room is awesome.

Lita: I understand why all these demons are skulking around the room. But what's with the angel hanging around behind the guy?

wurwolf: That's TV's Richard Mulligan again. He's there to take pictures.

Lita: Are we to believe that this guy is a Christian? Because if there's anything these tracts have taught me, it's that Christians do not sin. Ever.

Lita: The angel had to slouch over to get in the doorway.

wurwolf: Lucky you, apparently tall = good angels while short = evil demons.

wurwolf: Why all the hating on short people?

Lita: Obviously if God liked you he'd have made you tall.

Lita: I just noticed that the man's hands are on the woman's shoulders, and the angels' hands are on the man's shoulders. If I didn't know better, I'd anticipate some sort of chain-banging in the works here.





wurwolf: The angel says "Terrible!", but he's not putting the camera down. What a perv.

Lita: This poor woman is about to get into a man/woman/dog/angel/4 demon orgy

wurwolf: Maybe they're filming a porno.

wurwolf: "As God is my witness!" Sure, that's what all the ladies love to hear.

Lita: That turtleneck really just amps up the sleeze, doesn't it?

Lita: AND he tucked it in.

Lita: You know how anti-shirt-tucking I am.

wurwolf: I don't know how she kept herself from doing him right at the front door.



Lita: Ok. I have to say, I really love that demon at the table there. He is having such a blast.

wurwolf: He is really cute. Look at him, he's laughing away and his leg is sticking out. Adorable!

Lita: He's laughing and kicking his feet and sliding off the seat. It's just like me after a good margarita.

wurwolf: Yeah, but your feet reach the floor.

Lita: Yes, they do, usually.

wurwolf: There's a GASP! explosion going on over Roger's head.

wurwolf: Poor Fang, he gets dragged to the filthy motel room but they ditch him when it comes time to eat.

Lita: Fang must feel so used.

Lita: I'm amazed that it took that guy three hours. He just doesn't seem like the type.

wurwolf: Maybe they had the room for a minimum of three hours and spent 2 hours and 57 minutes watching free HBO.

Lita: Filthy sinners.



wurwolf: Hee! The demon is saying "Haw! Haw!"

wurwolf: In the second panel I thought the woman was a very young girl and was really getting skeeved out. I thought maybe we were in for a child molestation story. But now I see she's a grown woman.

Lita: I love how the buttinsky who ruined Roger's date has to rub it in to the other woman by pointing out Roger's beautiful wife and three great kids.

wurwolf: He left out, "Which you will never have, you filthy whore."

Lita: Poor woman didn't know Roger was a cheater! Don't be such a jerk!

wurwolf: He's got cheater written all over his cheap turtleneck.

Lita: I'm sure he sells used cars, too, but some women just don't have the necessary built-in dirtbag detectors.

Lita: The woman calls the wife the next day to fess up, but it looks like the wife was already crying when she answered the phone. She knew something was up.

wurwolf: Her built-in dirtbag detector didn't kick in until just now

wurwolf: She's also holding a mini-phone.




wurwolf: Nice F.U. note. "YOU PROBABLY HAVE AIDS!"

wurwolf: I love how she signs it, "Shame on you," and her name.

Lita: Most of the letter is in HUGE BLOCKY CAPS LOCK and then she signs her name in pretty cursive script

wurwolf:
She didn't want to end the letter on a down note.

Lita:
You probably have AIDS? I hope she can say that because Jessica really did tell her EVERYTHING.

wurwolf:
Maybe she needs to call Jessica back and let her know.

Lita: I'm saying Jessica had AIDS and she got it from her cheating ex-husband and she's totally getting revenge on all the assbag husbands out there by seducing them and giving them AIDS.

Lita: That would be an awesome tract. I should contact the Chick Publications people.

wurwolf: That tract would riff itself.



wurwolf: "Little Jessica"? Maybe she is a kid?

Lita: Linda is such a thoughtful wife. She wrote "RIP!" on the back of her letter so Roger would know what to do with it.

Lita: Either that or she sent him a death threat...

wurwolf: Roger is still wearing his turtleneck. That thing must stink.

Lita: I suspect there is always a stink hanging around Roger

Lita: The writer wants me to get all uppity about Roger saying he hopes Jessica didn't get herself pregnant! You know, because he helped too and whatnot. Still, I can't seem to get my panties in a twist about it. I think mainly because I know the writer wants me to.

Lita: He's a sleeze. It's what he is. He's true to himself.

wurwolf: Yeah, I get the same feeling. The author is pretty hamfisted in his attempt to make us despise Roger. That's a pretty good clue of what the ending will be.

Lita: Though I kind of wonder why they made him look like an evil Ray Romano.



wurwolf: I was thinking more along the lines of Jerry Orbach.



Lita: Maybe Roger is the product of that time Ray and Jerry had a forbidden encounter that will be covered in a future tract.

wurwolf: I can't wait for that one.




wurwolf: Henry doesn't have time for his cousin's request for prayer. But Bob has all the time in the world.

wurwolf: Bob is practically salivating over the chance to spend some time with Roger.

Lita: And now Roger looks completely different. The new Rog looks like somebody I should know, too, but I can't keep up with all these personi!

Lita: I wonder if it's the AIDS that's making him crosseyed.

wurwolf: At first I thought he had on a coat with a big fur collar, but now I think he's just leaning over to shake Bob's hand.

Lita: I want it to be a big furry pimp coat.

Lita: Now that Roger has asked for prayer and talked about God a few times and revealed that he has Christian relatives, I wonder if he's going to be all baffled about this mysterious Christ person Bob keeps talking about.



wurwolf: They're back in Bob's living room on the see-through furniture.

wurwolf: I wonder if Helen will show up and offer them hot chocolate.

Lita: Bob sees through your lies, Roger.

Lita: Just as easily as we see through his bubble chair.

wurwolf: Wow, Bob's hypno stare is really working on Roger! He breaks right down and tells the truth and turns into ET.

Lita: Yeah... the AIDS has caused him to melt into some sort of ape\lizard hybrid.

wurwolf: AIDS will do that to you, according to Chick Publications.

wurwolf: Bob goes all holier-than-thou on Roger: "No, I don't know."

Lita: Bob is also quick to point out to Roger that God is not quick to forgive.

Lita: If Roger and this woman went to the same church, how did she not know he was married?

Lita: It seems like she would have seen him with his wife at some point.

wurwolf: Maybe it's one of those mega-churches that you can lose yourself in.

Lita: But small enough that he would notice that she needs comforting.

Lita: And he introduced himself one of those times that his wife got lost.

Lita: She forgot they were sitting in row G-7 in the Apostle Paul section.

wurwolf: And Jessica took one look at that tucked-in turtleneck and fell. Hard.

Lita: So hard that she bumped her head on the pew in front of her and when she woke up she was weirdly attracted to Roger.




wurwolf: Mean ol' Bob is harshing Roger's mood.

Lita:
o/` Everybody's doin' it, doin' it, doin' it
o/` Pick their nose and chewin' it, chewin' it chewin it

wurwolf:
o/` Thinkin' that it's adultery but it's snot.

Lita: Bob's gift of knowing who is and isn't going to Hell must be so hard on him. When he looks at the world, he sees not people, but sinners on their way to the firey pit.

wurwolf: It's like Haley Joel Osmont in The Sixth Sense, having to live with the burden of seeing dead people.

wurwolf: Except I don't feel sorry for Bob.

Lita: It explains why he is the way he is, though. I suppose I too would be afraid of building friendships with people who I knew would one day spend eternity in torment. I, too, might cover myself in a shield of unlikeability.

wurwolf: I think it's just because he's a dick.

Lita: Ok, if you want the easy explanation.



Lita: Yes, Bob. Let's take a hard look at good King David. Let us take a long, hard, thrusting look at King David.




wurwolf: I find it hard to believe that David was playing the soothing sounds of his lyre after killing the lion. What dude wouldn't have been full of adrenalin and yelling about how he totally kicked the lion's ass?

Lita: That one little baby sheep is totally sniffing the dead lion's head. That cracks me up.

wurwolf: The sheep are singing along with David.



wurwolf: I'm shocked that they're not saying "See tract #12 The Last Judge". Because we all have a complete set of these tracts for reference.



wurwolf: Goliath is barking out orders and shaking his fist around, but he's got on a dumb hat. He looks like one of those guys in The Mole People.





wurwolf: It's raining when Goliath is barking out his challenge but it clears up nicely when David cuts his head off.

Lita: I like the look on David's face when he holds up the head. It's like, "Eww... this is so gross... I hope I don't drip any blood on myself.."

wurwolf: Goliath's eyes are forever turned upward to look at the rock in his forehead.



Lita: The devil is striking David by causing spiders to crawl up his shirt.




wurwolf: I wonder if David is short or tall.

Lita: He was tall during all the cool stuff he did, but suddenly became short for a couple of weeks while he committed adultery.

wurwolf: Uh oh. David's hanging out on the roof but you can see a black shadow with a horn sticking out. You know that's a demon sneaking up on him.



wurwolf: He's making a really stupid face while he's ogling the naked woman.

Lita: Just like a man. He can generally be really swell and smart and an all around great guy and then he gets all stupid as soon as he sees a naked lady.

wurwolf: What was she doing up on the roof washing herself anyway?

wurwolf: When I want to take a bath I go in the bathroom and hop in the tub.

Lita: This was before plumbing.

Lita: From this picture I get the impression that demons cause us to sin. This raises a few questions in my mind.

Lita: I know it's fun to draw demons into Bible stories where there are no demons, but they're taking responsibility for Sin off of the human shoulders and putting it on the demons'.

Lita: If it's the demon that causes man to sin, then why does God punish us? From this frame I can see that it was clearly not David's fault he sinned. He was standing around minding his own business and probably thinking about God when a demon snuck up behind him and grabbed him and posessed him!

Lita: So God should punish the demon, not the man!

wurwolf: Nope. In Bob's unforgiving world, it's David's fault for listening to the demon and not fighting him off like he did the lion and Goliath.

Lita: If Chick Tracts really want to bring people to God they should probably try actually telling the real story instead of making crap up like they do. How is putting demons into stories where there are no demons and cutting out key plot points in order to make certain people look worse or better than they were ok while modernizing the phrasing of the stories so that modern people can understand them is the work of the Devil?

wurwolf: That's a very good question. One which you're not likely to get answered by reading a Chick tract.



wurwolf: Is that one angel by the bedside supposed to be the devil? Or is one lone angel hanging out with the demons?

wurwolf: Oh, here we go. Now we're referring back to other tracts. I was wondering why they were quoting the Bible and not themselves.

Lita: Well, Bob wouldn't want to refer to the Bible here. This whole bit about angels and demons watching David sleep with Bathsheba isn't anywhere in the Bible.

wurwolf: The King James Version: The only version of the Bible that Bob has messed with.



wurwolf: Wow, David committed so many sins Bob had to break out the triple stars.

Lita: At first I was wondering why Bob went all bald and grey all the sudden, and then I realized the tract is just switched back to the story with no transition again. It's so jarring.

wurwolf: Well, Bob does look like he's losing his hair in the panel before.

wurwolf: DAVID WAS CAUGHT! Yeah, you think? Thanks for yelling it at us.

Lita: And meanwhile we get the same Bible verse thrown at us as we got at the beginning of the tract.

Lita: I guess Bob doesn't have enough real Bible verses to back up what he says. He has to repeat himself.

wurwolf: Bob wants to make sure his point is hammered home.



Lita: David looks like he's showing Uriah something he just pulled out of his nose.

Lita: "Come on, Uriah. Everybody's doin' it..."

wurwolf: "David wasn't being nice." I didn't think that by telling someone they should go sleep with their wife was being nice.

Lita: "Go have some sex. I'm just being nice."

Lita: You know, other than adding a whole bunch of demons who weren't actually in the story, Bob's actually remaining halfway faithful to the Bible.

Lita: I guess with all the hot steamy sex in this story, Bob doesn't want to skip anything.

wurwolf: It's his one chance to be legitimately porny.

Lita: And all the demons are nude too, I suppose.

wurwolf: Of course.

Lita: I personally am of the opinion that demons look all suave and sophisticated and good-looking. Easier to take people in if you don't look like a big fat snorting warty pig.






wurwolf: Bob doesn't just say that Uriah died in combat. He has to make sure we know he was slaughtered.

Lita: Chick artists really love the gore.



wurwolf: Here comes Nathan to rain on David's parade.

Lita: DAVID WAS OUTRAGED! Yeah, I would be too. That was a lame story.

wurwolf: David, you really fell for it. You know Nathan's a prophet of God. He's not showing up just to tell you some fun little fairy tale.

Lita: Like anybody is going to come before the king just to tell a little story for the hell of it. Of course there's an ulterior motive.




wurwolf: Man, Bob is just shouting stuff out, isn't he? DAVID WAS CAUGHT, BUT HE REPENTED!

wurwolf: Alright already, we get it. We're sitting right here.

Lita: Well, these filthy adulterors just piss him off so much.

Lita: Pretty ballsy of Nathan to scream at the king and point at him like that.

Lita: That's a beheadable offense in some parts.

wurwolf: It looks like Nathan turned into Saul



Lita: "You seem to know the story about David's sin, but do you really understand the Gospel?"

Lita: If Roger knew the whole story already why did Bob just spend all this time telling it?

Lita: What am I saying? Like Bob needs a reason to spout off his Bible stories. He loves no sound more than that of his own voice.

wurwolf: Exactly.

wurwolf: That's the first time Bob's told a story and the person has heard of it before.



wurwolf: I love it. Bob is apologizing for his inability to go to hell.

Lita: "Sorry, we can't... Jesus saved us, Roger." Bob is such a snooty snotty smartass.



wurwolf: Roger and his turtleneck have had enough of Bob's superiority! They're leaving!

Lita: Drop dead, Bob!

Lita: He speaks for all of us.

wurwolf: You can't fault Roger for wishing Bob to drop dead.




wurwolf: Gross! Eight weeks later, Roger drops dead, and he's still wearing that turtleneck.

Lita: Roger's corpse will never smell so bad as his sweater does now.

wurwolf: At least he untucked it.

Lita: 8 weeks later, Roger dropped dead... of the AIDS.

wurwolf: Death looks a lot smaller in person.



wurwolf: "How did Roger make out?" Jessica: "Actually, he kind of sucked."

wurwolf: Bob was standing around the throne room of Heaven and saw all this about Roger go down.

Lita: Note that he's not at all down about Roger dying and going to hell. He asked for it.

Lita: He didn't even pray that God would help him get through to Roger at the beginning of the tract like he has with other sinners.

wurwolf: He was on the offensive as soon as Roger sat down with his, "Did you?"

Lita:
Men, said the Devil,
are good to their brothers:
they don’t want to mend
their own ways, but each other's.

wurwolf: Are you listening, Bob?

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US. Closing poem, "Mankind," was written by Piet Hein and the copyright is held by his estate.)

2 comments:

no springs said...

You ladies were in fine form on this, your return engagement. These lines made me pee my pants:

wurwolf: He left out, "Which you will never have, you filthy whore."

Lita: Linda is such a thoughtful wife. She wrote "RIP!" on the back of her letter so Roger would know what to do with it.

wurwolf: He breaks right down and tells the truth and turns into ET.

Lita: She forgot they were sitting in row G-7 in the Apostle Paul section.

wurwolf: The sheep are singing along with David.

wurwolf: The King James Version: The only version of the Bible that Bob has messed with.

Lita: "Come on, Uriah. Everybody's doin' it..."

wurwolf: I love it. Bob is apologizing for his inability to go to hell.

Lita: 8 weeks later, Roger dropped dead... of the AIDS.



As for the tract itself, what a winner. There's our boy Fang again. I refuse to believe he belongs to Roger. I choose to believe he was just wandering the streets as he always does, and was hanging outside the sleazy motel when Roger and "little Jessica" arrived.

And I'm with you - what is up with the whole "little" Jessica thing? Actually, I think if Jessica cut the back of her mullet, she'd look an aweful lot like Tork's girl from "Design for Dreaming".

Roger is so slick and sweaty. He must have the same glandular problem that the younger sweaty boys had in the previous tracts. Look at the sweat jump/fall off of him in those two restaurant panels. Those panels, by the way, feature the best cameo ever in a Chick tract (so far anyway). That guy killed me - "Roger's beautiful wife and 3 great kids!". Way to go, rap-buster! It also features the best note ever in a Chick tract. Everything about Linda's note is classic. What a rambling mess! You guys did a masterful job riffing it. I also like how she says "I don't want you near us . . . ever again." What's with the pause? Like she was mulling over other options in her mind?: "I don't want you near us for a while. No, not strong enough. Every other week? Still too weak. I know - ever again."

"I'm no worse than good King David was!". I love how Roger just pulls "good King David" out of his ass in his witty comeback. Maybe he meant to say "good King Wenceslas".

I thought Nathan's parable was weak. David took Bathsheba and killed Uriah. So is Uriah the poor man, or the sheep? And which one is Bathsheba? She wasn't killed. Jesus was a much better parable teller than Nathan.

Check out Bob's head in that last panel. It is almost perfectly square. He has a scalp like FlatTop from the old Dick Tracy comic strip, and a jaw like Mr Incredible.

Keep 'em coming, ladies.

Your #1 fan,
ns (bw bw)

wurwolf said...

Thanks, Springy! I loved your take on Linda's letter. "I don't want you near us for a while. No, not strong enough. Every other week? Still too weak. I know - ever again." LOL!!!

It's good to be back!