Thursday, June 25, 2009

Evil Eyes

Arrrrrrrrrrrriba!!! Hola muchachos! Today we take a run for the border and learn what those loco Catholics are up to this time in...

Lita: I know we're supposed to think that rooster is scared because somebody is glaring at him, but I have chickens and I happen to know that they look like that all the time.

wurwolf: I can hardly blame them. There's never not a good reason to want to kill a chicken.

Lita: Except it's kind of gross.

Lita: And it makes you feel bad after you cut their heads off and they keep running around.

wurwolf: Spoken like a woman who's seen a few chickens slaughtered in her day.

Lita: Never witnessed it personally, but I've heard enough about it.

wurwolf: "Why have you come to me?" I would have liked to see the guy answer, "For a gallon of milk" or "For some miracle floor cleaner" or even "For a hand job."

Lita: "It will cost you"? What kind of a sales pitch is that? I'm no practitioner of Santeria, but even I know that it would be better to go with, "Good magic does not come at a low price," or something like that.

Lita: "It will cost you" is just as likely to make somebody turn around and walk out the door.

wurwolf: Not in a Chick tract.

wurwolf: And boy, that guy is stupid. "I've come into a lot of money. I can afford it." He might as well give her his social security number and his ATM card.

wurwolf: I like the friendly mannequin by the door. "Thanks! Come again! Have a nice day!"

Lita: I was just about to mention that. It's probably supposed to be a statue of some kind, but I'd like to think that there's just some half-naked black lady dancing around in the back.

wurwolf: I think I like that notion better, too. Shops would probably do a much better business if they employed half naked women to dance by the door as customers left.

Lita: You are assuming that the black woman would be paid. I suspect that that is just what the people at Chick Tracts think black people do when they come into contact with Santeria.

wurwolf: Good point.

wurwolf: The Santeria priestess looks like Bob Hoskins in a wig.

Lita: I would like to suggest that making the guy a vegetable is not the best form of revenge if you want him to suffer for a long time. A vegetable is not aware of his plight or his suffering.

wurwolf: Exactly. Give him heartbreak of psoriasis or irritable bowel syndrome. Something creative.

Lita: Make him like Stephen Hawking. His body is shutting down but he's still fully aware of what's going on. He'll be in a wheelchair and completely unable to communicate except through computers that read his eye or tongue movements or whatever but he can't afford those computers so he's stuck.

Lita: The picture Santa gave the Santeria lady is just of some bats flying in front of the moon. I'm not sure that'll help her identify Carlos.

wurwolf: I think that's the side of Carlos' bald head, but kudos for creativity there.

Lita: Oh, I see it now. Ok.

Lita: Poor Mama. I can tell from her decor that she's Catholic.

wurwolf: Yep. Crucifix. Picture of Mary. Flowers.

wurwolf: Looks like my in-laws' living room.

wurwolf: Is Carlos not Roberto's uncle? I assume Aunt Maria just married some dude?

Lita: How'd he get to Mexico? Are we even in Mexico? Where are we?

wurwolf: We've been kidnapped!

Lita: Oh wait. The sign says we're 300 miles away. Thanks, sign.

Lita: Hey! There's Fang!

wurwolf: Fang's looking at that bus the same way I am. Is that what buses look like in Mexico?

wurwolf: I know that's what they look like in the Philippines:

wurwolf: I guess Mexico does the same thing with their buses.

Lita: I don't see chickens on the bus. Mexican buses are filled with chicken in movies.

Lita: We should do that with our buses.

wurwolf: I agree, I love jeepneys

Lita: I get that Mama is sad about Roberto getting religion. Because, as we all know, Catholics aren't in any way religious.

wurwolf: Mothers everywhere mourn when their children become religious.

Lita: I need to learn to read. I though that woman said "Spray paint Lazarus for me." I was thinking, "Wouldn't that kind of tick him off?"

wurwolf: I'll bet Jack Chick has spray painted a few saints in his day.

wurwolf: You just know he's tipped over at least one Mary on a half-shell before.

Lita: I'm not into the Catholic religion, but I dig their art. I'd be so sad to hear somebody's awesome saint picture got defaced.

wurwolf: I will agree that I like the craftsmanship involved in Catholic artwork, but I'm not so thrilled to be checking out Mary or a dead Jesus every two seconds.

Lita: This is the only picture of Lazarus I've found in the old style I like, but it's also the only one I've seen where he's not all old and decrepit and leaning on a couple of crutches. I guess the Catholics think Jesus didn't do a very good job resurrecting him.

wurwolf: Eh. Too Catholic for me.

wurwolf: Well, time to blow on a chicken.

Lita: That chicken has the exact expression I'd expect anybody to have when a large woman lifts him up by the legs and sprays booze up his bottom.

Lita: Don't tell me about Carlos. That chicken has no defense for what's coming.

wurwolf: Is it wrong of me to think that the dance party going on looks kind of fun?

wurwolf: Give me a few drinks and blow some booze up my butt and I'll be there dancing with the spirits, too.

Lita: I think the dead cat would kind of kill the fun for me.

wurwolf: Gosh, I didn't even see the kitty there.

wurwolf: I'm being positive and telling myself that the cat at the party is just sleeping.

Lita: He's having a siesta.

Lita: They do look like they're having a good time, though. So far Jack Chick isn't making much of a case against Santeria.

Lita: Unless you like animals, I guess.

Lita: That poor rooster looks so resigned to his fate. He's like, "After what I've been though, death is a release."

wurwolf: That picture of Carlos isn't flattering. Plus, he has no body. Just a head.

Lita: We see the picture of Carlos in the cauldron, but who's the black guy on that other picture? Is Santeria Lady cursing extra people on Santa's dime?

wurwolf: They draw the bad guys in pictures that way every time. It's how you know they are bad guys, whether it's a mug shot or photo on someone's mantle.

wurwolf: The frog in the cauldron is like, Wait a minute, I thought I was just hopping into a pond here. What's all this shit?

Lita: Santeria Lady isn't very good at her job. She wasn't supposed to kill Carlos. She was supposed to make him suffer.

wurwolf: He's not dead. It's just like he's dead.

Lita: Oh, I see. Literacy is nice.

wurwolf: Not that you would know.

wurwolf: Goodness. Father Dominic's face looks like a slab of beef.

Lita: Why is Maria holding a shrunken head?

wurwolf: I thought it was an eggplant with a face carved in it.

Lita: Where Carlos is going they don't need eyes to see.

wurwolf: I just assumed he was on a tanning bed.

wurwolf: Why do all the women in this tract look like scullery maids from the 1800s?

Lita: That's not how women look? I read too many Chick tracts.

Lita is asking wiki about Santeria before she bitches that the tract makes it look like it's a Catholic thing

wurwolf: Santeria does have a lot of Catholic elements. The tract isn't far off to equate the two.

wurwolf: From what I understand by watching Angel Heart starring superstars Lisa Bonet Cosby and Mcikethy Rourke, Santeria is a combination of African voodoo and Catholicism.

Lita: "It is a system of beliefs that merge the Yoruba religion (brought to the New World by slaves imported to the Caribbean to work the sugar plantations) with Roman Catholic and Native American traditions."

wurwolf: Oh. And Injun shit.

Lita: Ok. I'll let you off the hook THIS time, Chick tracts.

wurwolf: The next panel makes me LOL all over the place: "Aunt Maria, get this priest out of here!"

Lita: Ray Romano to the rescue!

wurwolf: Is the priest making an obscene gesture at Aunt Maria?

Lita: He's throwing crucifixes? That's a bit far. Nothing wrong with a crucifix.

wurwolf: I like the crucifixes flying out of the house. Chick loves to shit all over the Catholic paraphernalia.

wurwolf: Yet the same man most likely was outraged by Robert Mapplethorpe's Piss Christ.

Lita: There are plenty of Protestants who keep or wear crosses. I personally find it offensive to throw somebody's cross out into the street.

wurwolf: It's not a cross if Jesus is still on it. Then it's a crucifix and something to be ridiculed and scorned.

Lita: Jesus on the Cross might not be dead yet. But even if He is, Jesus dying on the cross was a pretty important moment for Protestants as well as Catholics.

wurwolf: I agree with you, Lita, but the traditional fundie stance is that Jesus is no longer on the cross. The morbid fascination with Jesus on the cross is a Catholic thing.

Lita: Regardless, it's really crass to just throw the crucifixes into the street.

wurwolf: Again, I agree with you, Lita. I just think it's interesting that Chick Publications feel they have every right to disrespect a depiction of Jesus' death simply because they've classified it as "Catholic".

wurwolf: Also, I think the Protestant problem with crucifixes is that it is a graven image of Jesus. A lot of denominations are against that.

wurwolf: Catholics don't seem to have a huge problem with the graven image thing.

Lita: Not even most Protestants do. Except Baptists. And we've seen plenty of pics of Jesus in these tracts. Even Jesus on the cross.

wurwolf: The Baptist church I went to had a stained glass window of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane behind the baptismal pool, but they kept it covered because they felt it was a graven image.

wurwolf: Apparently a former leader of the church went temporarily insane and had it installed.

Lita: That's sad. I love a good stained glass window. None of my churches ever had one and I feel like I'm missing out.

wurwolf: Yeah, but now that I think of it, you're right about it not necessarily being a Protestant thing. I think it's really a fundie thing.

wurwolf: Wasn't there some comic or something we were supposed to be reading?

Lita: Oh, right.

wurwolf: I can't decide if the guy behind Father Dominic is David Crosby with less hair or a balding mustachioed Liev Schrieber.

Lita: I'm going with Yakov Smirnoff.

wurwolf: Also: Father Dominic? Wasn't that the name of the priest who was going to jump off a bridge?

Lita: The priest was Damien, I think.

wurwolf: Oh, you're right. It was Damien.

Lita: Ah. Father Dominic is rustlin' up a posse. Nothing like good old fashioned mob justice.

Lita: I like the dude with the enormous mustache in the middle. He looks like a pretty friendly guy to be planning to beat somebody to death.

wurwolf: That's the guy I thought looked like David Crosby

wurwolf: He looks like he's having his picture taken.

Lita: I thought you meant that bearded guy in the last panel holding the crucifix.

wurwolf: No. That guy I can see being Yakov Smirnoff. This guy gave me a David Crosby or Liev Schrieber vibe.

wurwolf: Pedro is offering his protection to Carlos.

Lita: The neanderthal dude has grown himself a beard between the first and second panel of this row.

wurwolf: He is one hirsute gentleman.

Lita: The one on the left wants to beat Carlos with his back scrubber.

wurwolf: Mmmm, how luxurious. I'd like someone to work me over with a back scrubber.

wurwolf: I like how this story changes from an indictment of Santeria and Catholicism to a retelling of the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal.

Lita: Carlos is so surprised that they're all pissed off at him. Dude, you threw their crosses out into the street! And now you're like, "Jesus! Save me!" and Jesus is like, "Dude, you just threw me into the street."

Lita: Or maybe He just fumigates the house.

wurwolf: Not Carlos. Roberto.

wurwolf: Sheesh, Lita, do all these people look alike to you?

Lita: Chick Tract people? Yes indeed.

wurwolf: Tim Burton's Santeria Babies are flying from the house.

wurwolf: It's Basement Cat without ears.

Vampire Negro Sperm shoots out of Carlos's nose.

Lita: I swear, the only time Chick puts black people in his tracts they're hep cats, drug dealers, ministers, or demon sperm.

wurwolf: It's true, they're terrible with that.

Lita: Nice drawing of Carlos. At first I thought the pillow behind him was his shoulders.

wurwolf: I can see why you'd think that. It also looks like he's floating in space.

wurwolf: "Something horrible came inside me!" *snicker*

Lita: Such a thing to print in a religious publication.

Lita would like to skip the incoming conversion sequence

wurwolf: Please do.

Lita: Hey! Santa wants to beat Roberto, too! But he ordered Carlos zombified in the first place!

wurwolf: Santa's just looking to beat someone's ass. He doesn't care who.

Lita: Maybe he's annoyed that Roberto wants to undo his spell. Or maybe he's just covering his ass.

wurwolf: Or maybe he's just out for kicks.

wurwolf: Jeez. Could they make the mob look any more stereotypical? I expect to see the Frito Bandito or Speedy Gonzalez there.

wurwolf: Suddenly Carlos is looking pretty smug. I think he's up to no good.

Lita: I'd trust him.

wurwolf: Wooo! Carlos pulled the ol' switcheroo!

Lita: Noooo! He looked like such a decent guy!

Lita: I think we're starting to see why Santa put a hit on him.

wurwolf: For reals.

wurwolf: I like that the demons are flying back. You can almost hear them shouting for joy.

Lita: That is a nice touch.

Lita: Completely ruined by the angry mob just letting the guy go. It's like, "WE KEELL YOU!!! WE KEEL YOU YOU GRINGO BASTARD!!! Or you can just get on the bus, that's ok."

wurwolf: And then immediately regretting their decision to let him get on the bus.

wurwolf: Mr. Dominic. That's just the best.

Lita: I enjoy the little asterisk to draw our attention to Roberto not calling him "Father."

wurwolf: Hey! It's a Mexican bus after all! There's a chicken!

Lita: Hee!! That chicken in the front seat is so freaked out! He just knows he's going to end up in somebody's witches brew.

wurwolf: He wears the expression of every chicken you've ever seen.

Lita: This is true. They all just know they're going to end up in somebody's witches brew.

Lita: Very paranoid, your average chicken.

wurwolf: Amazing how Father Dominic had no problem with what he was doing over the years, but one look at Carlos un-zombified state and he's ready to throw it all aside without any sort of reflection or soul-searching.

wurwolf: He is immediately on board with the fundie line of thinking that his church has hurt people and destroyed millions of souls.

Lita: No need to soul search when you believe in an obvious SCAM. Protestantism and Catholicism are so obviously different in every way that Dominic clearly would have no problem once somebody pointed out Protestantism exists.

Lita: His problem was he never heard of Jesus.

wurwolf: Or at least not Roberto's Jesus.

wurwolf: Roberto so cheerfully informs Mr. Dominic that Jesus called the Catholic church a big stinkin' whore.

Lita: Jesus so regrets that poorly planned night with the Catholic Church in Italy. It was only about $5 but He's been itchy ever since.

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