Thursday, April 02, 2009

This Was Your Life

Wow! Have we been out for over a year? Sorry about that. The fact of the matter is, wurwolf and I had very different work schedules, not to mention living in different time zones, and we found it hard to find large enough blocks of time when we were both able to sit down and write for the blog. That's the trouble with collaboration, you know. However, thanks to the economy taking a nosedive, I have suddenly found myself with all kinds of crazy time where I can just sit and read and discuss religious tracts to my heart's content. Clearly, God had a plan for me. (Yes, I am implying that He engineered the entire economic collapse just to get me and wurwolf to update our blog.) Truly, God never slams a door in your face without shoving you through a window... shards of glass cutting your once-perfect skin to ribbons...

In other news, today's tract is a classic! You can't even go to the Chick site without this appearing almost every banner ad you see. It also happens to be one I gave to my brother many years ago when I was trying to get him to accept Christ. It didn't work. See if you can figure out why, as we take you through...

Lita: Eat, drink and be merry! Now there's a bible verse we can all get behind!

wurwolf: At first I thought this tract was drawn in the 1960s. Silly me.

Lita: 2002?? I gave this to my brother waaay before 2002.

Lita: 1993 at the latest.

wurwolf: Well, that date looks awfully suspicious anyway. Like they pasted it in.

Lita: Chick Tracts, how can we trust you to tell us the truth about the afterlife if we can't even trust you about the date?

wurwolf: That house and the car... the angles. It's like an MC Escher house.

Lita: Is he in an alcove with the car sticking out through a wall or is he at an outer corner of a really wonky house?

wurwolf: That's what I've been trying to figure out, and I'm going to have to stop because it's making my brain hurt. Also, the guy is nearly as tall as his house. WTF?

wurwolf: I think the guy on TV is robbing a bear at gunpoint.

Lita: It's well known that bears are loaded.

Lita: I like the smug look as our hero smokes his pipe and drinks his gin and tonic.

wurwolf: And wears his Dick Van Dyke sweater.

Lita: I'd look smug too, if that were my car.

wurwolf: I think it's a Datsun 280ZX.

wurwolf: His eyebrow is in the same curve as his mouth

Lita: He has a new flashy car but his TV has knobs down the side.

wurwolf: That's because it's not 2002, but 1993.

Lita: So how is our hero dying here? Did Death taze him?

wurwolf: Perhaps. We can't see. Maybe Death just put the whammy on him. Death can do that.

wurwolf: I like that his pipe and drink are still hanging in mid-air while he falls to the ground. Even in death, the wacky hilarity of comic hijinks is apparent.

Lita: Sudden death can cause spontaneous telekenesis. That's why the pipe and drink are levitating.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'm just glad they spelled judgment correctly

Lita: I like the bible verse calling the priest out on saying Boyfriend was a good man. Like priests should be truthful and slag on the deceased all through the funeral.

wurwolf: "He was an unclean thing!" God, I want someone to say that about me at my funeral. I would love it.

Lita: "His iniquities, like the wind, have taken him away!"

wurwolf: Okay, he's in the ground. I can't tell if they've thrown the dirt over him yet or what. I do appreciate, however, the cutaway view, like looking at an ant farm.

Lita: I do like that effect. Credit where it's due.

wurwolf: I also like how spread out the people are. The dude in the striped tie just isn't sure if he wants to be a part of this funeral.

Lita: "He wasn't THAT good of a man..."

wurwolf: "I'm just here for the buffet."

wurwolf: That boy may or may not be pitching quarters into the grave.

Lita: He heard that Charon likes a bribe to ferry you across the River Styx.

wurwolf: Whoa, going all mythological there on us.

Lita: That boy is going to Hell.

wurwolf: Alright, I admit that I gravitate towards the naughty, but I truly thought that said "ARSE" and not "ARISE".

wurwolf: And I was like, Okay, so why is God calling Boyfriend an arse? That's kind of harsh.

Lita: Probably all the hot nude corpse action turning your head.

wurwolf: He looks like a grown-up version of the Love Is... dude.

Lita: The crack in the ground across his thighs looks kind of like the ripped hem of a skirt. It diminishes the mood somewhat.

wurwolf: His ARISING was so violent it tilted his gravestone. Haha, his AROUSAL.

Lita: The shading between his legs and the edge of the panel kind of looks like a lady.

Lita: A naked lady.

wurwolf: I wonder if it hurts to ARISE through all of that dirt.

Lita: Looks like mainly it's just eye-crossingly confusing.

wurwolf: Also, the poor man is nipple-free. I will agree that they are generally useless on men, but it seems kind of demeaning to be drawn without them.

Lita: He's like a Ken doll.

wurwolf: I'm going to skip the obligatory Belinda Carlisle reference; mostly because that song will be stuck in my head all day if I don't.

Lita: That song was stuck in my head from 1987 to 1991.

Lita: But I liked it, so it was ok.

wurwolf: Gross, Lita.

Lita: I was a child. What did I know?

Lita: Boyfriend, you're talking to a gigantic white dude with wings. I think maybe you should accept that he might know a little more about Heaven and Hell than you do.

wurwolf: Yeah, like where is Boyfriend going to go? He's dead and nude. He might as well go with the angel.

wurwolf: The angel dude's face and neck are freaking me out a little. He looks like he has buttons for eyes.

Lita: Something we've seen in these tracts before is angels carrying dead people to heaven and they always have their arms around the dead person's shoulders.

Lita: It looks sort of protective, and I admit I kind of like it. Can't really be a plum job for the angel, though.

Lita: "Time to take another child molester to be judged. *sigh* ...Ok, get under my wing."

wurwolf: I just hope the angels are genital-free. I honestly don't know if I'd want an angel boner in my ass crack while I'm being taken to see God.

wurwolf: Talk about embarrassing. "Hey God, yeah, me and the angel weren't doing anything. Just flying here to see you."

wurwolf: I don't really have anything new to say about this panel, except I always like when they try to get arty in these things.

Lita: Me too.

wurwolf: So Beetlejuice was right. There is a waiting room in the afterlief.

Lita: That poor angel has to wait with his guy until he's gone through the whole process? Man, this assignment is getting suckier by the moment!

Lita: I have to imagine it's a really long line.

wurwolf: Well, thanks, Romans 3:10, for ruining the ending for us. You could have at least done a spoiler alert.

Lita: How come Boyfriend has to stand behind the cube-seat thing? Come on, Mr. Angel, you can scoot your scroll over and let him sit down.

wurwolf: No one wants to see a dead guy's weiner.

Lita: Poor Boyfriend is so nervous. He's pulling on the angel's arm like, "Come on, it'll be ok, won't it?" The angel just doesn't give a crap.

wurwolf: The angel is so stoic.

Lita: It's the not caring that got him this job.

wurwolf: I like that "A REAL GOOD LIFE" is in arty font. They downloaded that font from the internet.

wurwolf: We've seen the throne scene a million times. Let's skip that panel, shall we?

Lita: We shall.


Lita: That must be where they got the title!

Lita: And the cover art, now that I look at it.

wurwolf: Hey everybody, the movie's starting! Shhh!

Lita: Yes, Boyfriend, it means they're going to review everything you've ever done. It also means that this will be a really boring movie.

wurwolf: Are Boyfriend and the angel holding hands?

Lita: I think he's just clutching at his arm. He's so scared! The angel still couldn't care less.

wurwolf: He was a grumpy baby.

Lita: "The stitching on this bunny is a bit wide."

wurwolf: Kid, you've got the Velveteen Rabbit and Raggedy Ann for toys. Quit being such a little dick.

wurwolf: This is awesome, it's like a drive-in movie.

wurwolf: It would be great if God would let you make a party out of it. Invite your friends. Serve drinks. Have a barbecue.

Lita: My whole unedited life? We would need a LOT of drinks. I am not an exciting person.

Lita: And I would think that even the most action-packed exciting life would have a lot of downtime that nobody really needs to see.

Lita: God, can we at least cut out all the times we were asleep or just reading a magazine or pooping or thinking about pooping or whatever?

wurwolf: I refuse to believe that God doesn't edit at least a little bit.

wurwolf: Because seriously, it's bad enough we've got to watch EVERY person's movie who ever existed. I don't want to see how some dude in American Samoa swept his front porch or whatever.

Lita: I bet even if you cut it down to just a sin reel, it would still be a very long and intensely dull film.

wurwolf: He's best friends with Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling and James Dean.

Lita: Poor 90's teenager. He only thinks that's the dirtiest story ever. One day the Internet will be mainstream and then he will know from dirty.

wurwolf: "There were these two girls, and they had one cup..."


Lita: Not a stance I expected Chick Tracts to take, I admit.

wurwolf: True.

wurwolf: He is just as flat against that wall as he could possibly be. I'm guessing he's just coming out of the men's room.

Lita: If he'd just stayed in that bathroom and checked out some of the people in there, we might not have to look at this clip.

wurwolf: Really. Doesn't he know all he has to do is jingle his keys a few times?

Lita: Wait... is that a thing?

wurwolf: Yeah. If you're a dude and you want other dudes to bone you, you go in a men's room and jingle your keys.

wurwolf: You don't know this? I thought everyone knew this.

Lita: I knew there was a foot tapping thing. I did not know about the key jingling.

Lita: I jingle my keys all the time! I like the sound! Have I been unknowingly soliciting sex this whole time???

wurwolf: Yes

Lita: NOOOOOO!!!!

wurwolf: But only if you're doing it in men's rooms and you're a dude.

Lita: Oh, ok. I mainly just do it when I'm walking to my car.

wurwolf: You should be safe. Just be aware that dudes may be coming up to you to ask about boning you.

Lita: They may be barking up the wrong tree. I don't do it in the butt.

wurwolf: Bummer. I was looking forward to your life movie where you get boned in the butt.

Lita: Nah, we'll just have to wait and watch your movie.

wurwolf: Rimshot!

Lita: Boyfriend is a whoremonger?

wurwolf: He's a whoremonger, alright. He was eyeing up chicks outside of the men's room and thinking, "Ummm... nice."

wurwolf: Is it terrible of me to think that all of those sins they have listed aren't really so bad?

wurwolf: Except maybe Hater of God, but God has a real broad definition of what constitutes hate. From what I understand, He includes indifference in His definition of hate.

Lita: Depends on if they mean whoremonger to be a buyer or seller of whores. Customers are one thing but I'm no fan of pimps.

wurwolf: I'm not supposed to be whispering, according to this wall o' sin.

Lita: Is that bible verse wallpaper in the background?

wurwolf: Yeah, Jack Chick's got it in his kitchen.

wurwolf: Honestly, where is the really nasty stuff? Child molester? Murderer? Rapist? Lawyer?

wurwolf: Oh, I kid. I work for lawyers. Fun!

Lita: Mind ever wander in church? TO HELL WITH THEE!

Lita: Heaven help you if you accidentally think about sex in church.

wurwolf: Oh, I know, that one used to get me all the time.

wurwolf: I'd be sitting there thinking about banging my boyfriend and be like, Oh shit, I am in for it now.

Lita: "Oh shit, I just thought shit! Oh, fuck I did it again-- OH FUCK!"

wurwolf: It cracks me up that the pastor is pointing RIGHT AT BOYFRIEND while he's checking his watch. Also, a ghost is peering over his shoulder.

Lita: As I've mentioned in this blog before, I don't close my eyes when I pray in church. It's because church is early in the morning and I'm sleepy by nature. I figure it's less disrespectful to pray with your eyes open than to fall asleep during prayer, so I just bow my head and look down at my lap.

Lita: As a result, I often end up thinking about my own cleavage during church. So you can look forward to that coming up on the big screen.

wurwolf: I can hardly wait!

wurwolf giggles at Boyfriend saying "Bunk"

wurwolf: I am so saying that from now on.

wurwolf: Bunk!

Lita: Why is Boyfriend at church anyway if he didn't want to hear about Jesus? He doesn't appear to be with anybody. He just woke up early one Sunday morning and said, "I think I'll put on my best suit and join a congregation for a religion I don't believe in!"

wurwolf: Only in the world of Chick Publications.

wurwolf: God's got the biggest telephone book in the world.

Lita: The angel looks so smug when pointing out that Boyfriend isn't in there.

Lita: He finally showed an emotion.

wurwolf: He's been waiting this entire time to do that.


wurwolf: And once again, Chick recycles a shot.

wurwolf: That shot of God on the throne telling the sinner to beat it is stock footage at this point.

Lita: Pretty much the whole middle of the tract.

Lita: God points to hell, angel nonchalantly throws a dude into the fire, wash, rinse, repeat.

wurwolf: The angel looks like he's trying to roast marshmallows over the flaming pits of Hell.

wurwolf: Speaking of slackness, the artists slacked off on the THIS CAN BE YOUR LIFE panel.

Lita: So is this guy who's accepting Christ supposed to be Boyfriend again, or is he a completely different dark-haired non-descript average guy?

wurwolf: I'm not sure. I think the tract is telling us that we get do-overs.

Lita: I wish.

Lita: Even Hitler approves of the new Boyfriend. Is that a good thing?

wurwolf: Hitler's just calling it like it is.

wurwolf: The montage of good deeds really turns me off. What a boring life.

Lita: I like this summary of a Christian life. Thrill as Boyfriend eats dinner, reads to children, shakes hands with the elderly, and writes on a clipboard! Completely alien from the non-Christian life!

wurwolf: Non-Christians have it all backwards. They eat clipboards, write on the elderly, shake children and read to their dinners.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'd rather be telling dirty stories and eyeing up hot chicks outside of the men's room.

Lita: And then he dies. Roll the going to Heaven clipart!

wurwolf: Bunk!

Thanks to Rimmi for her contributions!

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 -- yeah, right -- and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)


Tripe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tripe said...

See I much prefer the art in some of the other languages (especailly the African languages where, instead of Joe Everysuburbanite, you get to see some sort of Idi Armin-a-like go through the biopic treatment).

wurwolf said...

Hi Tripe! Yeah, it would have been a more fun tract if we'd gotten to see, say, Idi Amin's life story.

Dancin' Homer said...

Oh happy day, Holeee Cow is back! Missed you guys.

You have not missed a beat, and yes I can see why your brother rejected your attempt.

As for the funeral guy in the striped tie: he must have known about Jack Chick’s propensity to cover people’s faces with word balloons, so he stayed clear.

Tripe said...

The sad thing is apparently Idi's most grievous sins are still whispering and liking the ladies.

I guess Jack wants the world to be loud and proud about being gay (unexpected but that's the genius of Jack I suppose).

Tripe said...

Though he does choose a more creepy way of scoping out the girl flesh:

wurwolf said...

As soon as I told APGIL you mentioned Idi Amin, he was all, "Oh, did he talk about cannibalism???"

I'd forgotten about that.

Tripe said...

Oh wow I thought those were the interesting sins you were thinking of, dear God did he do other things that are specifically memorable?

Aside from watching village maidens from the bull rushes obviously, the filthy heterosexual!

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