Monday, March 05, 2007

Good Ol' Boys

Yep, it's the Good Ol' Boys! Chick Publications finally busts out the truth about the Dukes of Hazzard, and it's about time -- oh.... Lita's telling me that it's about Freemasons. Dang.

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wurwolf: Mr. T is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and he's all out of gum! NOW!

Lita: Wow. Looks like the entire back two rows of that church just pood.

wurwolf: They must be the Baptists in the church. Baptists love the back of the sanctuary.

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Lita: Ok, Mr. T is making this hostage situation way too complicated. Everybody get on the floor because we want to kill everybody who believes in Jesus. So if you believe in Jesus, stay on the floor, but if you deny Him, stand against the wall. But isn't it easier to shoot people who are standing against a wall than those on the floor?

wurwolf: Those of you who are worried about your thetins can leave!

Lita: He should make the people who want to get shot take a STAND for Jesus and STAND against the Wall O' Death. Way easier to gun them down that way.

Lita is sorry to say she makes a way better terrorist than this guy

wurwolf: Just what is Mr. T's agenda, anyway? Does he and his merry band of rogues travel the country, looking for people who believe in Jesus to kill? I mean, doesn't Mr. T have anything better to do? What's in it for him?

wurwolf: Hey Mr. T, you might want to come to the United States! This place is lousy with people who believe in Jesus. Start in the midwest.

Lita: Heck. Go wait by PO Box 3500, Ontario California. You should find somebody eventually.

wurwolf: What's that?

Lita: That's the mailing address for Chick Publications on the side of the page our tract is on.

wurwolf: Whoops

Lita: I guess you hear about non-Christian governments that round up and kill Christians. I mean, I only hear about it in church, but I still hear about it. These guys don't look like government, though. I wonder if they're going to turn out to be Freemasons.

wurwolf: If so, Baldy there could use a fez.

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wurwolf: The lady who's asking about her children looks inappropriately pissed off. You might want to be a little more afraid, sister.

Lita: Really. This isn't the time to shoot your mouth off. The gunman might do it for you.

Lita: Do you think people in this situation would so happily swap sides? What's with the "We're on your side"? What, dude, you like shooting Christians too? Were you just hanging out in the church to scout out people to shoot later?

wurwolf: "We support your war of terror!"

Lita: I like the message here. People may tell you to give up your religion and turn to atheism, but, like the man who gets you to put out before marriage, they won't respect you for it. Secretly they'll think you're a coward, even as they agree not to shoot you. Take THAT, all you bastards who want to change the Pledge of Allegiance!

wurwolf: They're sworn to destroy you, just like Omar was. Infidels!

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wurwolf: Man. The pastor might want to think his career choice. Only he and his wife won't deny Christ. He's done a lousy job of leading the flock.

Lita: When is Bob going to swoop in on his Bat-rope and talk these guys to death?

wurwolf: Hee! He's Indiana Williams.

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Lita: Heh. "You're going to HELL-- you loser!" I'll have to use that next time I'm held at gunpoint by a psychotic terrorist.

wurwolf: She's got bigger balls than her husband.

Lita: This guy's mom always called him a loser and told him to go to Hell. I can see how that would make him all teary eyed, what with the misty water-colored memories of the way Mama was.

The terrorist is totally captivated by the pastor's wife's gumption! He likes a filly with sass!

Lita: So now this guy doesn't want to shoot Christians? He wants to shoot non-Christians instead? What a flake.

wurwolf: He's as wishy washy as the people he wants to shoot.

Lita: I bet his cohorts are all like, "Damn, I like Ted's dedication to terrorism, but I wish he'd make up his mind about who the Great Satan is."

wurwolf: Jeez. Could just once Chick Publications come up with a believable character and a coherent plotline? Is that too much to ask? I mean, they're supposedly using the Bible as a guideline. How could they go so wrong?

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Lita: Oh, wow! Look at that massacre! There's blood splatter and everything! The artist was all over this one!

wurwolf: "BUDDABUDDA BUDDABUDDA!" Is the gun shooting Land O'Lakes?

Lita: Look at the lady with the kids's eyeballs bulging out of her skull! The rictus of horror on her mouth! Look at the tensed veins and tendons in their hands! And somebody's getting his or her finger blown off while trying to shield him or herself from the hail of bullets!

wurwolf: Chick Publications luuuuuuuuuuuurves slaughtering backsliders and non-believers.

Lita: I bet the same people responsible for this tract go home after work and refuse to let their kids play video games because they're too violent.

wurwolf: Or worse yet, they want to stop me from playing a video game because it's violent.

Lita: This panel is so gross. Awesome. It's blood splatter for Jesus, yo.

wurwolf: But the preachers wife didn't really do anything. If she was as awesome as Bob, they would have had their lumpy butts in the air instead shooting up the church.

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Lita: "Amazing story" guy looks a lot like Timmy (or Tommy) who wrote about the Ten Commandments and pissed off his teacher. The other guy looks like a chubby Marv Albert.

wurwolf: Robbie's face is all lumpy and misshapen. I think he's a tweaker.

Lita: Just like Tommy (or Timmy) of Ten Commandments fame.

wurwolf: Time for you to haul out your Chick Chart.

Lita: Yeah, ok. It's Timmy.

Lita: So all over the world people aren't getting shot for Jesus? That is an amazing story, Bob.

wurwolf: You'll think Bob's story is amazing, too, if he's got his hypno eyes turned on you.

Lita: I wonder if Bob went into all that detail about the shooting. "And then blood sprayed from that one guy's arm! The lady with kids's eyeballs popped out of her face! Somebody else, maybe the Asian guy, totally got a finger blown off!"

wurwolf: Bob was probably all, "And then you press the square and the x buttons at the same time to execute a triple machine gun move!"

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Lita: Fang has a new owner! And Badcat follows them at a safe distance, trying to come up with a new plan for vengeance.

Lita: Perhaps Badcat will give Fang a chance to deny Jesus, and then when Fang does, Badcat will shoot him anyway.

wurwolf: Awww, Emma!

wurwolf: WTF, Bob was telling his gross story in a restaurant? I guess that's one way to get your guests to eat light if you're picking up the tab.

Lita: Is that Bob's penis on the table?

wurwolf: Yuck, Bob, put that thing away!

wurwolf: Wow, David Naughton has really fallen on some hard times.

Lita: Marv looks like he'll deny Jesus right now if it'll get Bob to shut up. Sorry, Marv, it won't help.

wurwolf: He looks like he's really considering it, though.

Lita: He looks like he's thinking of throwing his coffee into Bob's face.

wurwolf: Sorry, Marv, that won't help, either.

Lita: wurwolf, I know you love me. But if anybody ever holds you at gunpoint and tells you to deny that you love me or you'll get shot, you have my permission.

wurwolf: To get shot?

Lita: To deny me.

Lita: Then again, the people who denied Jesus in the church got shot anyway... Hmm. Use your own judgment.

wurwolf: Lita, little do you know I deny you every damn day.

Lita: When you have trouble fishing out a subway token you deny me, just in case it helps.

wurwolf: Sure. "Lord, if you'll help me find a parking spot I'll totally deny Lita."

Lita: "My mittens don't fit... I hate that Lita!"

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wurwolf: Look at that Pharisee, hogging the front row. Just like a Pharisee would.

Lita: Why do Jesus and Peter standing against that brick wall make me think they're doing a drug deal?

wurwolf: "The first one's free, Jesus."

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wurwolf: I love the "Cock-a-doodle-doo!" in the arch above the rooster's head. My mom had that in her kitchen.

Lita: Even though I know it's in the Bible (I checked), I do wonder about the logistics of Peter being outside denying Christ, while Jesus is inside. And then the rooster crows and Jesus looks at Peter.

Lita: Maybe I have a poor understanding of architecture in Bible times. Or maybe Jesus has X-ray vision. I don't know.

wurwolf: Personally, I'd like to believe that Jesus has X-ray vision. That's more fun.

Lita: He's God. He knows whereabouts Peter was standing.

Lita: So is that it for the Bible story? Way to slack off, Bible Series guys. They're totally getting lazy as we near the end of the series.

wurwolf: And we're only halfway through the tract.

Lita: Remember the old days when I'd have to spend all that time reading my Bible when we did these things because most of the tract was a bible story and the tract kept taking liberties? That's how you base a tract around your own special reading of the Bible.

wurwolf: Oh, for the times when Bob could take a toy dinosaur and spin a tale from the first several chapters of the Bible, all while blasting liberals and teachers. *sigh*

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Lita: Oh no! Marv is a Freemason!!!!!

Lita: Just like Jack the Ripper!

wurwolf: I'm shocked to see Bob consorting with the enemy. Someone ought to report him to Fundies United.

wurwolf: Or, as it's better known, Focus on the Family.

Lita: I don't happen to believe it's possible to deny Jesus without knowing it. Denying somebody takes an active choice.

Lita: It's not like the Freemasons call their get-togethers the "I Hate Jesus Club."

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wurwolf: Well, according to Bob, next to Jesus everything else is darkness.

Lita: Any attempt to leave darkness that isn't Jesus is evil? So... according to this logic if I turn on a light in my room so I can see, I'm spitting in Jesus's face?

wurwolf: You know those churros you love so much? Total darkness. Your computer? Pure evil.

Lita fully accepts that her laptop is pure evil

wurwolf: I think the guy spit in Jesus' face because he had a blindfold on and couldn't see who's face he happened to spit in.

Lita: And why does that Mason initiate have a pegleg? Is that part of the Freemason initiation?

wurwolf: John Baker is a real pirate-y name.

Lita: They tied a noose around his neck. Is that to cut off his circulation... to Christ?

wurwolf: I thought that was just John Baker's 80s tie.

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wurwolf: Nice arty above-the-table shot, but what's Bob doing with his left hand?

Lita: The man plopped his dick out onto the table just a few minutes ago. What do you think he's doing?

wurwolf: Actually, every one of them has only his right hand on the table. Just what's going on here?

wurwolf: A diner is a really bad place for a circle jerk, guys.

Lita: It's traditional Freemason-discussion behavior.

wurwolf: So that's what happens in the meetings....

Lita: It's a secret. We're not supposed to know.

Lita: Bob's referencing all these books that nobody's ever going to look up. So if you're not a Freemason, there's pretty much no way to know how much of this is bullshit.

wurwolf: Certainly not the kids who are supposedly reading these tracts.

Lita: I mean... maybe it's true that the Masons say there are many ways to heaven, or that you're not allowed to pray in Jesus name in a lodge. But how do I know that? And these tracts have made up enough other things that I don't want to take them at their word.

Lita: Thanks to the Internet, I suppose I could Google it. But I'm not going to, because frankly I don't care.

wurwolf: You're on your own there, folks.

Lita: Maybe Springy can join the Masons and give us the skinny in the comments. We know he's a Catholic, so it's not like he's not already going to Hell anyway.

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wurwolf: I like the plaque they have on the wall of Hell: "Robbie, all who die in their sins are lost..."

wurwolf: It's something to think about as an angel is tossing you headfirst into the Great Abyss.

Lita: Don't forget the asterisk.

wurwolf: Sure, why not. You have all eternity in hell to puzzle it out.

Lita: "What does the asterisk mean? And why did they call me Robbie?"

wurwolf: Robbie's face is getting progressively worse in this tract. It was just humorous at first, and now he's looking like the Phantom of the Opera.

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Lita: Robbie is suffering from that same wasting disease that afflicts many of the sinners in these tracts.

Lita: It's like watching those Nazis melt in Indiana Jones, but in slo-mo.

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wurwolf: If you take Robbie's face in this panel and the next one and put them together, they look like the masks of tragedy and comedy.

Lita: Considering what's been going on under that table, I think Robbie can be excused for not getting up to wave his lumpy butt around.

Lita: Marv is PISSED! Robbie can never be a Freemason now!

wurwolf: Marv is ready to deny Robbie!

Lita: But not before taking one last stab at sending Robbie's soul screaming into Hell.

wurwolf: Robbie has to get validation from Bob before he'll tell Marv that his church is wrong.

Lita: "Putting anything ahead of God is like putting a cart before a horse! A bad idea!!"

Lita: Ok... This is Bob's bible verse to prove that God hates secret societies:

16 No one lights a lamp and then covers it with a bowl or hides it under a bed. A lamp is placed on a stand, where its light can be seen by all who enter the house. 17 For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all. 18 So pay attention to how you hear. To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening, even what they think they understand will be taken away from them.

Lita: It's the "Don't hide your light under a bushel" parable, which has always been interpreted to me as meaning that if you love Jesus you let it show, and also that one day all secrets shall be known. Not that you should never ever have a secret.

wurwolf: That verse has nothing to do with secret societies.

Lita: Nothing at all.

Lita: Didn't think we'd actually look it up, did you Bob?

wurwolf: Gotcha!

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wurwolf: Robbie's looking at Marv wave his lumpy butt around like, WTF?

Lita: Now that he's not a Mason anymore he can put his thing away.

Lita: He has no difficulty rolling around on the floor in his current state.

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wurwolf: You know, I've heard the verse about being yoked with unbelievers before, but always in reference to considering a marriage partner. Although with Bob's "leave him!", maybe that's what Bob's thinking, too.

Lita: I've been through several pastors in my day, and with none of them did I ever have the faintest idea about whether or not they were Masons. I don't know if I even know any Masons. I think my grandfather was one, but you can't tell me he wasn't a Christian.

wurwolf: It's not like Masons are going out witnessing, trying to force people into conversion, Bob.

wurwolf: Poor Roger is forced to relive his judgment in every tract.

Lita: We should have known it was a Masonic turtleneck.

wurwolf: Roger is carrying everyone's sins.

Lita: Just like Jesus.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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