Soul Story

Hey there all you soul brothers and soul sisters, honkeys and honkettes. It's time for us to get down and chillax and read us a story about a man. A strong man. A man of action. A man who gets all the chicks. A man you don't want to mess wit, ya dig? A real cool cat. This here's our first ever blaxploitation tract and, dig this, we were more blown away than anybody to discover that we...

We... didn't hate this one.

Weird huh? So catch us on the flipside and see what's shakin' as we check out...




wurwolf: Okay, so with this tract, as opposed to the last tract we covered, we get the truth about the date this was published. Clearly, even from the front cover alone, this tract was written in the 70s.

Lita: I love this cover. I love everything about this cover. This is the best cover ever.

wurwolf: The 70s was rife with blaxploitation films, from which I suspect this tract got inspiration.

wurwolf: And only blaxploitation films.

Lita: If I could get this cover blown up and in high res and put it on my wall, I'd do it so fast.

wurwolf: I have to agree with you, I think that this is the most badass cover we've ever seen. And I include the Dungeons & Dragons tract in that.

Lita: Can the tract itself possibly live up to the cover's badassery?

wurwolf: We shall see!


Lita: Hey, it's a return to The Contract style art!

wurwolf: That's right. It's nice to switch back and forth sometimes, although we sadly will not see the usual Fang/Badcat hijinx from this artist.

wurwolf: Wow. You just know it's an emergency -- look at that Code Blue font. If that doesn't say emergency, I don't know what does.

Lita: What tipped him off that the riot is phony? Are they throwing foam rubber bricks at the guards? I guess when they bounce off their heads, that would be a clue.

wurwolf: I'll bet the warden thinks there's a riot going on, but it's really just the prisoners practicing their "Thriller" dance moves.

Lita: One thing that this artist does well is the rage face. It makes the rage faces in other tracts just look poorly drawn and stupid.

wurwolf: I agree, the rage face is pretty extreme.



wurwolf: Alright, I'm calling bullshit. How did the prisoners get a baseball bat and a knife? The most prisoners would ever have is a spoon chiseled into a shiv.

Lita: The black guy's name is Jackson.

wurwolf: It was a toss-up between that or Washington or Lincoln.

Lita: The guy in prison is a black guy. The other guy in prison appears to be some variety of Asian.

wurwolf: I thought the other guy was Latino.

wurwolf: I'm guessing they'll be breaking out the @!**! a lot in this tract.

Lita: Suppose that's a stirring indictment of our justice system for unfairly targeting racial minorities, do you think? Or a society that contrives to keep minorities down while glorifying the criminal lifestyle to the point where they feel they have no other options?

wurwolf: No, I think it's just Jack Chick lumping in as many stereotypes as he can fit in one panel.

Lita: Oh, ok. I guess that makes more sense.

wurwolf: At first I thought the guy kneeling over Jackson was holding a wineglass until I realized it was a stethoscope.

Lita: I thought it was a razor. I was thinking, "Oh! That nice man is going to give Jackson a shave!"

wurwolf: Is it wrong of me to think that Jackson's chest looks really hot and sexy?

Lita: That depends. Is Jackson still alive?

Lita: It's not good to get yourself all worked up over a dead guy.

wurwolf: I think he's dead, which is why I'm keeping a lid on getting worked up. That, and he's a cartoon.

Lita: Good call.

Lita: Leroy, though, he's alive. Golly.

wurwolf: Enter bad, bad Leroy... well, I don't know if he's Leroy Brown or what.

Lita: That is a mountain of a man.

wurwolf: For reals, yo. Tru dat!

wurwolf: (Just getting into the spirit of the tract.)

Lita: Is this happening now or are we in flashback mode?

wurwolf: I am not exactly sure. We've been given no indication that there's a flashback going on. No wavy lines or word boxes.

wurwolf: So I guess it's safe to assume that Leroy's grandmother is in prison with him?

Lita: She's on the other side of that glass you talk through.

wurwolf: Oh! I thought the artist was getting arty and showing a split screen, but she's on the other side of the glass. Yes, I see that now.

Lita: Aww, Leroy loves his Grammy. I like Leroy.

wurwolf: It's nice of him not to yell, "STFU, BITCH!"

Lita: That's why I think he'll get saved at the end. Usually people in these things who don't get saved have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They are unrepentantly evil all the way through. Except Broosey Woosey.



wurwolf: Leroy, I can't blame you. "Gotta go!" is usually my reaction when someone starts preaching at me, too.

wurwolf: I spend too much time on the intranets. At first I thought the guard said, "Sounds like your Grandma is a fanfic!"

Lita: That would be pretty insulting. Though not very sensical.

Lita: That is such a douchey smile on the prison guard's face. Whatever else happens in this tract, we can't fault the art. It's fantastic.

wurwolf: I agree, and I also think the guard's suit is electric. Like seriously electrified. Because the damn thing is glowing like crazy.

wurwolf: *GASP!* There's a ghost in the background!

wurwolf: Usually when someone is calling me a white @*!!! my first instinct is to do the total opposite of "C'MERE!"

Lita: Mine is to kick them out of the classroom.



Lita: His name IS Leroy Brown!

Lita: Baddest cat in the whole @**!!!@ town!

wurwolf: HOLY SHIT

Lita: I'm noticing a disturbing amount of variation in the swear censorship punctuation in this tract.

wurwolf: So this confirms my theory that regarding African Americans, Jack Chick only knows what he's heard in pop culture.

wurwolf: I guess being a lifer means you don't have to go to boring meetings with the warden.

Lita: They figure you have enough bummers in your life already.

wurwolf: It's nice of them to be so accommodating.

Lita: If I were the warden I'd fire that guy in the back. It is really unprofessional to grin and make jackoff motions during a meeting of this magnitude.


Lita: Now that is an OUTFIT, Leroy!

wurwolf: Leroy turned into Super Fly.

Lita: I know that this tract was just written a long time ago, but I prefer to think that (a) Leroy's been locked up for a LONG time and these are the clothes he was wearing when they arrested him, or (b) this is what Jack Chick thinks black people really dress like.

wurwolf: I think both are valid conclusions.

wurwolf: Am I missing something? What does "Littlebit" mean?

wurwolf: Is that his friend's name? Or is he saying he'll go upstairs in a little bit?

Lita: Is that just what he calls his brother?

Lita: Or... wait? Is this guy really his brother or is he just calling him his brother because they are black people?

wurwolf: I honestly don't know. I'm not trying to be funny, I just don't understand what Chick is going for here.

wurwolf: Looks like his brother just finished up his shift at the Jesus Pizzeria.

Lita: This tract is a narrative mess. But the art is FANTASTIC.

wurwolf: Agreed


wurwolf: I mean, SERIOUSLY. Look at that outfit!

wurwolf: The man is a magnificent pirate!

Lita: Holy shit. He turned into a bullfighter or Zorro or something.

wurwolf: It's almost like you can just skip the crappy dialog and just look at the pictures.

Lita: That's what I've been doing. Has anything happened in this story so far?

wurwolf: Hell if I know.

wurwolf: Leroy is so badass, he ripped the door right off the hinges with one hand and didn't even break a sweat.

wurwolf: How did they make a prison that contained him?

Lita: This is a slum. The door probably wasn't screwed on so tight to begin with.

wurwolf: Shh! I prefer to think that Leroy is just that awesome.

Lita: The look on his face is wonderful, though. It's a look that says, "Yes, I'm the greatest. Drink me in, Ladies."

wurwolf: Seriously, the dialog is shit. "Jive turkey" -- WTF? Jack Chick must have been watching Good Times when he was writing this.

Lita: Is that Gloria peeking out from behind the Jive Turkey?

wurwolf: Possibly.


Lita: OH WOW!!! Wait... what just happened?

wurwolf: Cthulhu showed up?

wurwolf: An earthquake happened?

Lita: It's taking some time to parse.

Lita: I guess one guy pulled a knife and got punched out by the other guy. Not sure why the fat guy in the crowd is the one who's groaning with pain, though.

wurwolf: I think you're right. RD pulled a knife and Leroy was all, Oh hell no and punched the shit out of him. And then little tiny Gloria, who's a midget, is hanging onto Leroy out of fear.




wurwolf: Or maybe a truck rolled by and ran over RD.

Lita: That's what he looks like. Jive Turkey is spitting his teeth out onto the floor.

wurwolf: "Jive Turkey." Please. Don't you know their names yet?

Lita: Leroy's the boss. If he says that guy's name is Jive Turkey then that is what that guy's name is.

Lita: That bible verse seems pretty out of place. It doesn't seem to match anything we're looking at.

wurwolf: I'm not sure whether it's applying to RD's past or Leroy's future.


wurwolf: Apparently being the boss comes with an opulent office.

Lita: I always hear that gang bangers live a life of luxury.

Lita: Well... maybe not really.

wurwolf: Looks like Rudy from Fat Albert showed up to give some plot exposition.




wurwolf: The ghost of Leroy Brown is on his way!

Lita: Oh gross!!! I scrolled down to this row too slowly and thought we were getting a love scene and I was thinking, "Wow! Pretty racy for a Chick Tract!" and then I scrolled down more and saw he was with his GRANDMA!!

wurwolf: Yes! I thought the same thing!

Lita: "I'm glad you came!"

wurwolf: I'll bet she is. Leroy is a gang-banger!

Lita: Even when the art in a Chick tract is really good, it still manages to be really bad in its own special way.

Lita: Take Grandma, for example. Why is Leroy's grandmother an Eskimo?

wurwolf: I thought she was an elderly Chinese woman.

wurwolf: Man, Grandma just laid a smackdown on Leroy. "I love you too, Grandma." "Child, you don't know what love is until you know Jesus!"

wurwolf: Jeez. Sorry, Grandma. Next time I'll just keep my feelings to myself.

Lita: "Fine, then Grandma, I don't love you and I never did. Are you happy now?"

Lita: Grandma: *dies*



wurwolf: Oh, phone booth. How I am taken by your nostalgic whimsy.

wurwolf: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Free funeral food!

Lita: Nowadays you're lucky if you get a flimsy little phone alcove.

wurwolf: Yeah, once in a while I'll see a phone booth still around and it's always beat to hell.

Lita: I don't think I've ever seen an actual Superman's Changing Room phone booth.

wurwolf: You're not missing a whole lot.


wurwolf: Second tract in a row with a funeral scene.

Lita: How could he miss? The car's aimed right at them. Keep driving straight and you can bulldoze them all right into Grandma's grave.

wurwolf: I don't know, but I love the pencil work on this tract. Look how it conveys the feeling of motion. Beautiful.

Lita: I agree. I really can't say enough times how great the art is in this thing. It's really refreshing after the drek we've looked at in the past.


wurwolf: I guess Leroy and friends have an aversion to someone yelling "BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA!" out a car window at them. Knocked them on their asses.

Lita: I don't blame them. I was never a big fan of Mike Meyers' portrayal of Jewish women.

wurwolf: I like Leroy's Harry Potter scar. Yet another thing JK Rowling lifted.

Lita: I guess she was as impressed by the art as we are

wurwolf: Aw, Gloria's dead. Not a surprise, really.

Lita: Hooking up with your late girlfriend's sister while looking at her corpse in the morgue? I'm sorry, Chick Tracts, I know you're all, "uppity black people!" but I do not believe that Leroy is that sleezy.

Lita: Or the sister, for that matter.


wurwolf: And then they take it to a whole other level of skeeviness, because Gloria's sister not only reminds Leroy of Gloria but of his grandmother, too.

Lita: "Why do I feel this way? She's not at all like Gloria... She sort of reminds me of my grandma!"

Lita vomits all over her keyboard

wurwolf: Yeah. I know the feeling.

wurwolf: Oh those two crazy kids, from two different worlds wanting to cross over. It's like the battle of the TV show titles.

Lita: Well, Leroy isn't the first guy to "find religion" in order to get into a girl's pants, and he won't be the last.



Lita: Jive Turkey seems like a fine upstanding young man to me. I don't see any reason why Leroy shouldn't put his complete trust in him.

wurwolf: I'm too busy checking out Leroy's half-naked bod as he's lolling around in bed. Nice.

wurwolf: Also, nice padded headboard.

wurwolf: Jeez, AK-47s and grenades? Leroy is the final boss in a video game.

Lita: Hey! They all brought guns! Can't I trust any of you guys???

wurwolf: I'm a little confused about exactly who is shooting who.

Lita: Everybody's shooting everybody.

wurwolf: I mean, I assume Leroy just strolled into the church with no weapons on him and got stabbed in the back (literally) by RD, but I can't really tell.

wurwolf: Wait... Leroy brought a gun with him?

Lita: Leroy brought a gun, Jive Turkey brought a gun, EVERYBODY brought guns. And grenades! KAVOOM!



Lita: That's just the way you are if you're a black person in a Chick tract.

wurwolf: Yeah, good point.

wurwolf: So Chick is saying that black people are just toting around guns and grenades all the time, I guess.

Lita: They been spendin' most their lifes livin' in a gangsta's paradise.

wurwolf throws her shoe at Lita.

Lita: OW!! You know, I guess I shouldn't expect more from you. You come from such a violent race.

wurwolf: You're just lucky I don't sue your ass.

wurwolf: Okay, so we're skipping some panels where everyone's bleeding all over the place, some dudes might not make it to the car, blah blah blah

Lita: Moving on.

wurwolf: Was Joyce getting ready to become a Russian bride or something?

Lita: Yeah. That is really some hat.

wurwolf: And dress.

Lita: And those are really some arms on Leroy!

wurwolf: Well, he did spend a lot of time in jail, probably weight-lifting.

wurwolf: Okay, the dumb dialog boxes are covering way too much of the awesome artwork, so I'm skipping the gospel message.

Lita: You know, in the white person tracts the person telling about Christ doesn't feel the need to explain everything in parentheses. If I were black I'd be so insulted.

wurwolf: Like black people are all, "Buh?" when someone says "believeth".

Lita: That's all I have to say about the gospel, part, though, so you're right. We can safely skip it.

wurwolf: We've heard it a billion times before anyway.

wurwolf: You know, I can't help but think that if Leroy hadn't been saved he'd still be alive.

Lita: If he hadn't been dying he wouldn't have gotten saved.

Lita: I really like this last panel, though.

wurwolf: Huh.

Lita: I don't know if I've been reading too many tracts or if it's because I'm on the rag or what, but I find this panel genuinely touching.

wurwolf: I think it's because you're on the rag. I find nothing touching about it.

wurwolf: Or maybe I'm just a cynical asshole.

Lita: She's crying because he just died, but he has this faint smile because he's finally at peace. It's kind of nice.

Lita: I can see how this tract would be more successful than any of the others we've looked at before on this blog. You know. If it weren't so racist.

wurwolf: Yeah. They must just use it for white people.

Lita: I think this is seriously the best tract we've ever done. And it's all in the artwork. See, Chick Tracts? See what happens when you hand the pencil to somebody with a little talent?

wurwolf: And it's a tract where the message can be taken seriously.

wurwolf: Oh, who am I kidding.

Read more!

This Was Your Life

Wow! Have we been out for over a year? Sorry about that. The fact of the matter is, wurwolf and I had very different work schedules, not to mention living in different time zones, and we found it hard to find large enough blocks of time when we were both able to sit down and write for the blog. That's the trouble with collaboration, you know. However, thanks to the economy taking a nosedive, I have suddenly found myself with all kinds of crazy time where I can just sit and read and discuss religious tracts to my heart's content. Clearly, God had a plan for me. (Yes, I am implying that He engineered the entire economic collapse just to get me and wurwolf to update our blog.) Truly, God never slams a door in your face without shoving you through a window... shards of glass cutting your once-perfect skin to ribbons...

In other news, today's tract is a classic! You can't even go to the Chick site without this appearing almost every banner ad you see. It also happens to be one I gave to my brother many years ago when I was trying to get him to accept Christ. It didn't work. See if you can figure out why, as we take you through...






Lita: Eat, drink and be merry! Now there's a bible verse we can all get behind!

wurwolf: At first I thought this tract was drawn in the 1960s. Silly me.

Lita: 2002?? I gave this to my brother waaay before 2002.

Lita: 1993 at the latest.

wurwolf: Well, that date looks awfully suspicious anyway. Like they pasted it in.

Lita: Chick Tracts, how can we trust you to tell us the truth about the afterlife if we can't even trust you about the date?

wurwolf: That house and the car... the angles. It's like an MC Escher house.

Lita: Is he in an alcove with the car sticking out through a wall or is he at an outer corner of a really wonky house?

wurwolf: That's what I've been trying to figure out, and I'm going to have to stop because it's making my brain hurt. Also, the guy is nearly as tall as his house. WTF?

wurwolf: I think the guy on TV is robbing a bear at gunpoint.

Lita: It's well known that bears are loaded.

Lita: I like the smug look as our hero smokes his pipe and drinks his gin and tonic.

wurwolf: And wears his Dick Van Dyke sweater.

Lita: I'd look smug too, if that were my car.

wurwolf: I think it's a Datsun 280ZX.

wurwolf: His eyebrow is in the same curve as his mouth

Lita: He has a new flashy car but his TV has knobs down the side.

wurwolf: That's because it's not 2002, but 1993.



Lita: So how is our hero dying here? Did Death taze him?

wurwolf: Perhaps. We can't see. Maybe Death just put the whammy on him. Death can do that.

wurwolf: I like that his pipe and drink are still hanging in mid-air while he falls to the ground. Even in death, the wacky hilarity of comic hijinks is apparent.

Lita: Sudden death can cause spontaneous telekenesis. That's why the pipe and drink are levitating.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'm just glad they spelled judgment correctly



Lita: I like the bible verse calling the priest out on saying Boyfriend was a good man. Like priests should be truthful and slag on the deceased all through the funeral.

wurwolf: "He was an unclean thing!" God, I want someone to say that about me at my funeral. I would love it.

Lita: "His iniquities, like the wind, have taken him away!"

wurwolf: Okay, he's in the ground. I can't tell if they've thrown the dirt over him yet or what. I do appreciate, however, the cutaway view, like looking at an ant farm.

Lita: I do like that effect. Credit where it's due.

wurwolf: I also like how spread out the people are. The dude in the striped tie just isn't sure if he wants to be a part of this funeral.

Lita: "He wasn't THAT good of a man..."

wurwolf: "I'm just here for the buffet."

wurwolf: That boy may or may not be pitching quarters into the grave.

Lita: He heard that Charon likes a bribe to ferry you across the River Styx.

wurwolf: Whoa, going all mythological there on us.

Lita: That boy is going to Hell.



wurwolf: Alright, I admit that I gravitate towards the naughty, but I truly thought that said "ARSE" and not "ARISE".

wurwolf: And I was like, Okay, so why is God calling Boyfriend an arse? That's kind of harsh.

Lita: Probably all the hot nude corpse action turning your head.

wurwolf: He looks like a grown-up version of the Love Is... dude.

Lita: The crack in the ground across his thighs looks kind of like the ripped hem of a skirt. It diminishes the mood somewhat.

wurwolf: His ARISING was so violent it tilted his gravestone. Haha, his AROUSAL.

Lita: The shading between his legs and the edge of the panel kind of looks like a lady.

Lita: A naked lady.

wurwolf: I wonder if it hurts to ARISE through all of that dirt.

Lita: Looks like mainly it's just eye-crossingly confusing.

wurwolf: Also, the poor man is nipple-free. I will agree that they are generally useless on men, but it seems kind of demeaning to be drawn without them.

Lita: He's like a Ken doll.



wurwolf: I'm going to skip the obligatory Belinda Carlisle reference; mostly because that song will be stuck in my head all day if I don't.

Lita: That song was stuck in my head from 1987 to 1991.

Lita: But I liked it, so it was ok.

wurwolf: Gross, Lita.

Lita: I was a child. What did I know?

Lita: Boyfriend, you're talking to a gigantic white dude with wings. I think maybe you should accept that he might know a little more about Heaven and Hell than you do.

wurwolf: Yeah, like where is Boyfriend going to go? He's dead and nude. He might as well go with the angel.

wurwolf: The angel dude's face and neck are freaking me out a little. He looks like he has buttons for eyes.

Lita: Something we've seen in these tracts before is angels carrying dead people to heaven and they always have their arms around the dead person's shoulders.

Lita: It looks sort of protective, and I admit I kind of like it. Can't really be a plum job for the angel, though.

Lita: "Time to take another child molester to be judged. *sigh* ...Ok, get under my wing."

wurwolf: I just hope the angels are genital-free. I honestly don't know if I'd want an angel boner in my ass crack while I'm being taken to see God.

wurwolf: Talk about embarrassing. "Hey God, yeah, me and the angel weren't doing anything. Just flying here to see you."



wurwolf: I don't really have anything new to say about this panel, except I always like when they try to get arty in these things.

Lita: Me too.



wurwolf: So Beetlejuice was right. There is a waiting room in the afterlief.

Lita: That poor angel has to wait with his guy until he's gone through the whole process? Man, this assignment is getting suckier by the moment!

Lita: I have to imagine it's a really long line.

wurwolf: Well, thanks, Romans 3:10, for ruining the ending for us. You could have at least done a spoiler alert.

Lita: How come Boyfriend has to stand behind the cube-seat thing? Come on, Mr. Angel, you can scoot your scroll over and let him sit down.

wurwolf: No one wants to see a dead guy's weiner.

Lita: Poor Boyfriend is so nervous. He's pulling on the angel's arm like, "Come on, it'll be ok, won't it?" The angel just doesn't give a crap.

wurwolf: The angel is so stoic.

Lita: It's the not caring that got him this job.

wurwolf: I like that "A REAL GOOD LIFE" is in arty font. They downloaded that font from the internet.

wurwolf: We've seen the throne scene a million times. Let's skip that panel, shall we?

Lita: We shall.



Lita: THIS WAS YOUR LIFE!

Lita: That must be where they got the title!

Lita: And the cover art, now that I look at it.

wurwolf: Hey everybody, the movie's starting! Shhh!



Lita: Yes, Boyfriend, it means they're going to review everything you've ever done. It also means that this will be a really boring movie.

wurwolf: Are Boyfriend and the angel holding hands?

Lita: I think he's just clutching at his arm. He's so scared! The angel still couldn't care less.

wurwolf: He was a grumpy baby.

Lita: "The stitching on this bunny is a bit wide."

wurwolf: Kid, you've got the Velveteen Rabbit and Raggedy Ann for toys. Quit being such a little dick.

wurwolf: This is awesome, it's like a drive-in movie.

wurwolf: It would be great if God would let you make a party out of it. Invite your friends. Serve drinks. Have a barbecue.

Lita: My whole unedited life? We would need a LOT of drinks. I am not an exciting person.

Lita: And I would think that even the most action-packed exciting life would have a lot of downtime that nobody really needs to see.

Lita: God, can we at least cut out all the times we were asleep or just reading a magazine or pooping or thinking about pooping or whatever?

wurwolf: I refuse to believe that God doesn't edit at least a little bit.

wurwolf: Because seriously, it's bad enough we've got to watch EVERY person's movie who ever existed. I don't want to see how some dude in American Samoa swept his front porch or whatever.

Lita: I bet even if you cut it down to just a sin reel, it would still be a very long and intensely dull film.


wurwolf: He's best friends with Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling and James Dean.

Lita: Poor 90's teenager. He only thinks that's the dirtiest story ever. One day the Internet will be mainstream and then he will know from dirty.

wurwolf: "There were these two girls, and they had one cup..."



Lita: ATTENTION MEN: IT IS A SIN TO BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

Lita: Not a stance I expected Chick Tracts to take, I admit.

wurwolf: True.

wurwolf: He is just as flat against that wall as he could possibly be. I'm guessing he's just coming out of the men's room.

Lita: If he'd just stayed in that bathroom and checked out some of the people in there, we might not have to look at this clip.

wurwolf: Really. Doesn't he know all he has to do is jingle his keys a few times?

Lita: Wait... is that a thing?

wurwolf: Yeah. If you're a dude and you want other dudes to bone you, you go in a men's room and jingle your keys.

wurwolf: You don't know this? I thought everyone knew this.

Lita: I knew there was a foot tapping thing. I did not know about the key jingling.

Lita: I jingle my keys all the time! I like the sound! Have I been unknowingly soliciting sex this whole time???

wurwolf: Yes

Lita: NOOOOOO!!!!

wurwolf: But only if you're doing it in men's rooms and you're a dude.

Lita: Oh, ok. I mainly just do it when I'm walking to my car.

wurwolf: You should be safe. Just be aware that dudes may be coming up to you to ask about boning you.

Lita: They may be barking up the wrong tree. I don't do it in the butt.

wurwolf: Bummer. I was looking forward to your life movie where you get boned in the butt.

Lita: Nah, we'll just have to wait and watch your movie.

wurwolf: Rimshot!



Lita: Boyfriend is a whoremonger?

wurwolf: He's a whoremonger, alright. He was eyeing up chicks outside of the men's room and thinking, "Ummm... nice."

wurwolf: Is it terrible of me to think that all of those sins they have listed aren't really so bad?

wurwolf: Except maybe Hater of God, but God has a real broad definition of what constitutes hate. From what I understand, He includes indifference in His definition of hate.

Lita: Depends on if they mean whoremonger to be a buyer or seller of whores. Customers are one thing but I'm no fan of pimps.

wurwolf: I'm not supposed to be whispering, according to this wall o' sin.

Lita: Is that bible verse wallpaper in the background?

wurwolf: Yeah, Jack Chick's got it in his kitchen.

wurwolf: Honestly, where is the really nasty stuff? Child molester? Murderer? Rapist? Lawyer?

wurwolf: Oh, I kid. I work for lawyers. Fun!



Lita: Mind ever wander in church? TO HELL WITH THEE!

Lita: Heaven help you if you accidentally think about sex in church.

wurwolf: Oh, I know, that one used to get me all the time.

wurwolf: I'd be sitting there thinking about banging my boyfriend and be like, Oh shit, I am in for it now.

Lita: "Oh shit, I just thought shit! Oh, fuck I did it again-- OH FUCK!"

wurwolf: It cracks me up that the pastor is pointing RIGHT AT BOYFRIEND while he's checking his watch. Also, a ghost is peering over his shoulder.

Lita: As I've mentioned in this blog before, I don't close my eyes when I pray in church. It's because church is early in the morning and I'm sleepy by nature. I figure it's less disrespectful to pray with your eyes open than to fall asleep during prayer, so I just bow my head and look down at my lap.

Lita: As a result, I often end up thinking about my own cleavage during church. So you can look forward to that coming up on the big screen.

wurwolf: I can hardly wait!



wurwolf giggles at Boyfriend saying "Bunk"

wurwolf: I am so saying that from now on.

wurwolf: Bunk!

Lita: Why is Boyfriend at church anyway if he didn't want to hear about Jesus? He doesn't appear to be with anybody. He just woke up early one Sunday morning and said, "I think I'll put on my best suit and join a congregation for a religion I don't believe in!"

wurwolf: Only in the world of Chick Publications.




wurwolf: God's got the biggest telephone book in the world.

Lita: The angel looks so smug when pointing out that Boyfriend isn't in there.

Lita: He finally showed an emotion.

wurwolf: He's been waiting this entire time to do that.

*INSERT RELIGIOUS CLIP-ART HERE*

wurwolf: And once again, Chick recycles a shot.

wurwolf: That shot of God on the throne telling the sinner to beat it is stock footage at this point.

Lita: Pretty much the whole middle of the tract.

Lita: God points to hell, angel nonchalantly throws a dude into the fire, wash, rinse, repeat.

wurwolf: The angel looks like he's trying to roast marshmallows over the flaming pits of Hell.



wurwolf: Speaking of slackness, the artists slacked off on the THIS CAN BE YOUR LIFE panel.



Lita: So is this guy who's accepting Christ supposed to be Boyfriend again, or is he a completely different dark-haired non-descript average guy?

wurwolf: I'm not sure. I think the tract is telling us that we get do-overs.

Lita: I wish.

Lita: Even Hitler approves of the new Boyfriend. Is that a good thing?

wurwolf: Hitler's just calling it like it is.

wurwolf: The montage of good deeds really turns me off. What a boring life.

Lita: I like this summary of a Christian life. Thrill as Boyfriend eats dinner, reads to children, shakes hands with the elderly, and writes on a clipboard! Completely alien from the non-Christian life!

wurwolf: Non-Christians have it all backwards. They eat clipboards, write on the elderly, shake children and read to their dinners.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'd rather be telling dirty stories and eyeing up hot chicks outside of the men's room.



Lita: And then he dies. Roll the going to Heaven clipart!

wurwolf: Bunk!

Thanks to Rimmi for her contributions!

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2002 -- yeah, right -- and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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The Contract

As promised, this time around we're coming back to the comic that caused Tommy the Elder to find God. What tract could possibly be so powerful that even a glance at the first page caused a hard rockin' hard rocker to hang up his guitar? Let us find out together as we read...

wurwolf: According to the cover, Satan will accept a big red X as a signature on his contracts.

wurwolf: This makes me uneasy, since that sort of thing is easy to forge. He would just need to write my name at the top and mark it with a red sharpie, and boom! Just that quick I'm destined for hell.

Lita: That guy sure has hairy arms.

wurwolf: He's a gorilla.

Lita: Maybe he's signing over his soul in return for the fame and love humans will give him when the evil school system tells them he's their daddy.

Lita: So. First row! Just one look at this page made Tommy the Elder realize that rock and roll is evil and give himself over to Jesus.

wurwolf: Frankly, I'm not sure what brought him to his knees. The bright light? The hail storm? The nightgowns?

wurwolf: Good gravy, just what kind of wattage does that kid's lamp have? The thing is going super-nova.

Lita: It's biblical. God lives in lights and that's why you aren't allowed to hide them under bushels.

wurwolf: So the light is symbolic, then. The kid is bringing the Light of the World to his father.

Lita: It's not an analogy. Every verse of the bible must be taken completely literally.

Lita: Bob taught me that.

wurwolf: Then you have been taught the infallible and unerring truth.

Lita: I think that second panel might make me seek God.

Lita: Look at those people.

wurwolf: I have to say, I like the artwork in this tract. Chick Publications isn't very good about letting us know who the illustrator is. I'm assuming the writer is always Jack Chick, though.

Lita: According to the Chick website he's really elderly now and doesn't do as much of the writing as he used to. He mostly putters around his kitchen and occasionally sends them something. But this tract is even older than the last one we did, which was from the 80's. So he might have had more direct input then.

wurwolf: I find it sad that they don't give any credit to the artists, though. At least none that I've seen.

wurwolf: But, in spite of the halfway-decent artwork, I'm confused about something. Is that dust rising from the ground or clouds come to earth?

Lita: That kid looks kind of bored. He must have been through all this before.

Lita: It's like in the Little House on the Prairie show. Every time Pa plants a crop it gets destroyed and then he has to borrow money or take some super dangerous job out of town.

wurwolf: Well, drama sells.

wurwolf: Love the crazy cross-hatching on the back of Dad's head, though.

Lita: Dad's head is plaid

wurwolf: Maybe it's a hunting cap?

wurwolf: Which would make sense, now that his crop has been destroyed. He's got to feed his kid somehow.

Lita: Nah. It's pretty hairy to be a hat.

wurwolf: So I guess it's just the father and son. Is this Courtship of Eddie's Father or something? Where's the Japanese housekeeper?

Lita: He's trying to get money from the BA. Because people who borrow from banks are a bunch of SHEEP!

wurwolf groans

Lita: Again with the haws!

wurwolf: The "HAW HAW HAW" is all in a jaunty, jocular font.

wurwolf: Do we know if the haws signify an evil person?

Lita: I've always felt so.

wurwolf: I have to agree. Anyone who would haw must be unrepentantly evil.

Lita: It's only ever pulled out when somebody is experiencing a misfortune.

wurwolf: And used with extreme scorn and ridicule.

Lita: "My cat ran away and I haven't seen her for days--" "HAW!"

Lita: And then the punching begins.

wurwolf: "Is it my fault the hail ruined your crop?" So, by contrast, does that mean that the bank will only loan out money in cases where they claim responsibility?

Lita: "You're right! Our interest rates are excessively high! Here's some money!"

wurwolf: Farmer: My son drowned in the pond. Bank: Oh wow, we totally screwed up there. Here's a hundred bucks.

wurwolf: We're coming dangerously close to a buffalo shot of the farmer here.

Lita: John Freeman. Think that name is supposed to symbolize something?

wurwolf: I'm just surprised the tract didn't call this guy Tom or Tim.

wurwolf: The banker is cross-eyed with rage.

Lita: The kid is crippled? I guess that explains his face. But he's still pretty good at swinging God Lamps around for a cripple.

wurwolf: Stupid crippled kid. Way to be a burden to your dad.

Lita: The whole reason people had kids back then was so you could get an extra pair of hands to work your farm. Way to ruin your dad's life, you ungrateful brat.

wurwolf: I hope that kid apologizes to his poor long-suffering dad every day for being crippled.

wurwolf: You know, I notice that a lot of the words in this tract are underlined. I wonder, if you took all of the underlined words, would they spell out a secret message?

Lita: So far we have "deep do money my our." Other than the first two words, I'm saying no.

wurwolf: I don't know.... I'm holding out hope for a secret message.

wurwolf: "I hate the ground you walk on... ELMER BOGGS!" Why the pause?

wurwolf: I suppose it was for dramatic effect.

Lita: That line. His reference to the ground Elmer walks on is only meant to focus our attention to his name, Boggs, which would be difficult to walk on.

wurwolf: Ooo, good point. This tract is chock full of subtext.

Lita: The part of Pa is being played today by Stacy Keach.

wurwolf: You know who gets paid for being loved, Elmer Boggs? Trixie, the town whore.

wurwolf: Or your wife.

wurwolf: If you take the underlined words in that second frame, Elmer Boggs is saying "Don't don't come back!" Which is a roundabout way of saying he wants John Freeman to come back.

Lita: Oh, @!!**!. You're like an old friend to me.

wurwolf: I like that every tract, no matter who the illustrator is, has to use the same exact cursing.

Lita: Oh dear. Did they make the Devil a black man?

wurwolf: It sure looks like it.

Lita: And they underlined soul because the black guy wants it. Black people like soul food.

wurwolf: The clouds on the horizon have been so distracting to me in this tract. Did some kind of nuclear fallout just happen?

Lita: I don't know why Pa would sell his soul for that farm. It's a really horrible farm.

wurwolf: No wonder he's broke. He's been growing weeds and wagon wheels.

Lita: The wagon wheels would be useful, except they ate the horse last week.

wurwolf: That, and they only have two wheels.

Lita: Maybe it's time for him and his cripple to move on.

wurwolf: Move to the city and put that kid out to beg on the streets. Can you imagine the bucks he'd rake in? Little crippled blonde white kid? Pfft. Crazy money.

wurwolf: Two panels in one frame. Arty.

wurwolf hopes Mr. B. Fox is knocking on the house door and not the outhouse door.

wurwolf: Especially since he's offering to shake John Freeman's hand.

Lita: So who's this guy? What happened to that nice black fellow?

Lita: He was so jaunty and not prone to mistake abject poverty for bountiful wealth.

wurwolf: That nice black fellow saw how sad John Freeman's farm was and knew he'd get no good soul food there, so he moved on.

Lita: Poor guy. He was my favorite character in this tract.

wurwolf: He's better than Malcolm, anyway.

wurwolf: Poor John. He's just one of a long line of poor white trash who are suckers for a get-rich-quick scheme. You know if they had Publisher's Clearinghouse back then he'd be right in on that.

Lita: I actually like the art in this first frame. The bottles in the window, the wheel, the axe in the stump. If you ignore the dialogue it's nice.

wurwolf: It is. Very bucolic.

wurwolf: Why would John go halvesies with B. Fox? It's his property. At least negotiate yourself a better deal, you dummy.

Lita: Totally. I'd take a good look at that map and then send Fox on his way. He's holding it open right there for all to see.

wurwolf: Never trust a man with a pinky ring.

Lita: Not if they hold their pinky out like that to make it shine at you.

Lita: Do you hold your pinky out if you're like holding a glass or something?

wurwolf: No, I don't. Do you?

Lita: Yeah. I don't even think about it. I just do.

Lita: I'm so snooty.

wurwolf: Snooty? Or lame?

Lita: Maybe both? I started doing it when I was a little girl and thought it was classy, and now it's just automatic.

wurwolf: I'm leaning more towards lame.

wurwolf: And here we get our first good look at B. Fox's face. I have to say, I'm disappointed.

Lita: He looks so piggy with those little eyes and the tiny nose.

wurwolf: I like how the hat is tilted to a rakish angle, though.

wurwolf: I think he looks a little like Gary Burghoff:

wurwolf: The "haw" rears its ugly head yet again.

Lita: I mostly want to slap people when I hear them say "Haw"

wurwolf: Oh, me too.

Lita: It just goes right around the brain and into the spine and pulls on the slapping nerves.

wurwolf: B. Fox waited until John got out the inkwell and pen before stopping him?

Lita: Asking for my soul is weird enough, but asking me to sign anything in blood would just put me over. I'd be like, "Oh, ok, you're a loony. You can either leave now or wait here while I get my gun."

Lita: Also, Freeman already told him he'd get half the treasure. Why would he throw his soul in as well? No wonder he's in so much debt if he's this bad at identifying a terrible deal.

wurwolf: Exactly. It's a wonder he's managed to hold on to the farm this long.

Lita: If I'm giving up my soul I want ALL that stupid treasure that's on my property anyway.

wurwolf: Not only that, but (peeking ahead) John is going to be doing all the hard labor to get this treasure.

Lita: And there had better be a LOT of treasure. If we start digging and only find a couple of silver dollars than I will be pissed.

wurwolf: If John was more shrewd he would have dug the treasure up first and then signed the contract. Some guy shows up on your doorstep with a crudely-drawn map, claiming that there's treasure on your property, and you totally fall for it? I'm surprised John didn't lose his soul before he hit puberty.

Lita: I hope he at least checked to make sure there was a clause that let him off if they don't find treasure or if the treasure is lame.

wurwolf: I'm sure he didn't.

wurwolf: Wow. Good thing John didn't rent that stump grinder last year like he was thinking about doing.

wurwolf: John became shirtless between the time they reached the stump and when he was digging.

Lita: "Don't you have a promise to keep?" Geez, Fox, he said "we." You're taking his soul, let him have a minute to jump around and be happy.

wurwolf: What's that on the ground next to B. Fox? Did Chluthu wander into this tract?

wurwolf: Maybe that's the artist's response to this tract.

Lita: John never promised Fox to fix Boggs.

wurwolf: Fox must've been hanging around and overheard him. I can totally see the devil wanting to hang out in a bank.

Lita: He really is dumb if he didn't pick up on Fox knowing about that.

wurwolf: John has never looked more like Stacy Keach than he does there.

wurwolf: You know, John, that's where the real money is. Stacy Keach impersonations. Just something to think about.

Lita: "There's nothing like revenge." And that was nothing like revenge. Not interesting revenge anyway. Any objections to skipping those "revenge" panels?

wurwolf: Yes, but you're going to do it anyway, aren't you?

Lita: Yes.

wurwolf: Well, I'm still going to talk about them.

Lita: Fine.

wurwolf: Once again we have a businessman fired for doing his job.

wurwolf: Chick seems to love to reward the boobs and buffoons and castigate the hardworking businessmen.

wurwolf: Honestly, I feel a little sad about this. Poor Boggs.

Lita: Oh, hey! It's Bob!

wurwolf: Bob Goode!

Lita: Must be one of Bob's ancestors. He's even good at shouting about souls at people who were just trying to have a nice conversation.

wurwolf: Bob's head explodes in a flash of light over John's stupidity.

wurwolf: "I believe in the 10 commandments... I do as much good as possible..."

wurwolf: "Why, I even changed my last name to 'Goode'! It used to be Miller!"

Lita: Bob never ever sins. Because the Bible teaches that that's possible.

Lita: The Bible is always going on and on about how you can get into heaven through good works and that's why we don't need any savior.

wurwolf: Yup, that's what Bob has always told us. And you don't argue with Bob.

wurwolf: Okay. Obviously this tract took place many years ago. So I can only assume that Bob Goode has traveled far into the future and brought back that sweet flat-screen tv there.

Lita: Beelzebub? Really, tract? You're going there?

wurwolf: And John is so dumb. "Beelzebub!", he cheerfully shouts out.

Lita: "Lew Siffer" was one thing, but "Beelzebub Fox" is just too much to handle.

wurwolf: Frankly, I think "Lew Siffer" was worse.

Lita: Next tract we'll see a guy sign his soul over to "Lorda Thefflies." And don't miss the one where some guy signs his soul, in blood, to "Satan McPrinceofdarkness"

wurwolf: Or "Mr. O'Scratch"

wurwolf: Well, John might be on his deathbed and doomed to hell, but what an awesome ride these last ten years have been for him. Look at that mansion! Although I do think the architect went a little overboard on the windows.

wurwolf: It kind of looks like John's mouth was sewn shut while he's dying in bed.

wurwolf: Is that a face on John's headboard?

Lita: It's a frowny face. Because it's sad to die and go to hell.

wurwolf: I thought maybe Beelzebub made him carve it there, to remind him of his impending fate.

Lita: Bob's a big Jesus expert and he didn't mention to John in the last 10 years that there's a way out of that contract?

Lita: He probably figured John deserved what he got. That's our Bob!

wurwolf: Oh, Bob. For fun!

Lita: "blahhdee blah, Jesus, blood, cross, blah blah." Moving on.

wurwolf: Looks like Bob's doing alright for himself, too.

Lita: "You look terrible!" That Bob. Always full of Christian love and kindness.

wurwolf: ONE HOUR LATER "Stop preaching to me, John!" Really. If my decrepit cousin showed up at my door and preached at me for a full hour, non-stop, I think I'd be a little grumpy, too.

Lita: I'm confused about Bob. He was set up as our Christian hero and now he's all, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS CHRIST STUFF!"

wurwolf: Chick tracts pulled a switcheroo on us!

wurwolf: Did they have baloney when this tract took place?

Lita: Skipping ahead, John dies and Bob thinks he's in hell, blah blah, hey look! Violence!

wurwolf: I love how Bob's legs are all splayed out under the tree branch.

Lita: A massive tentacle appears to rape Bob! Damn you, Japan!

wurwolf: It's Chluthu again!

wurwolf: His legs look like one of those Garfield butts that people hang out of their car window.

Lita: Why does this panel include an advertisement for a book about Satanism? Was that horse playing D&D?

wurwolf: Must have been. I just like that the tree crashed in Cooper Bold.

wurwolf: And Bob's leg says "Ugh".

Lita: He had a mantis in his pantis.

wurwolf: Perhaps you'll get a look at that mantis in his pantis in the next panel, because he's in hell and he's nude.

Lita: He's all sweaty because it's hot as hell in there.

wurwolf: Haw!

Lita slaps wurwolf

Lita: Sorry! Reflex!

wurwolf: It's okay. I'll just reflexively break your pinky sometime when it's sticking out.

wurwolf: Okay, so finally, Chick tracts gives little kids a pass. They won't wind up in hell.

Lita: Unless they wear dumb sweaters and hang out with bikerhobos.

Lita: Beelzebub Fox's head looks like a massive ham, and it's making me hungry.

wurwolf: A delicious, tasty ham with eyes and a hat.

Lita: No big finish for this tract. I'm disappointed.

wurwolf: "I've got everyone anyway.... except those who accepted Christ as their savior!" And the tract just kind of ends there....

Lita: As does this blog entry.

(All comic images ©1984-2008 Chick Publications, Inc. and are used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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