The Promise

Lita: I would like everybody to know before we start that I don't have any big problems with Muslims or their religion. I do realize that not all Muslims are terrorist. I must admit however, that I am mostly ignorant about Islam and what that faith entails. For that reason I may not be able to immediately know when today's tract is telling the truth or just making stuff up.

wurwolf: Come on, it's a Chick tract. Stuff will be made up.

Lita: If you are a Muslim or know a lot about Islam and you feel that we have missed important points, feel free to enlighten us in the comments section.

wurwolf: Amen. So here we go, it's time for The Promise.

wurwolf: DEATH TO ALL JEWS! We're starting off on a positive note here.

Lita: This was made in 2001. I wonder if it was pre or post 9/11.

wurwolf: 9/11 was pretty late in the year, so there's a good chance it was made pre.

Lita: The artist put a lot of effort into our terrorist. Maybe he was looking at a picture of the terror suspects.

wurwolf: The terrorist looks a lot like M. Night Shamalyan.

Lita: The woman behind him looks like she's sneezing.

Lita: The guy in the lower left looks like Marv Albert.



wurwolf: Wig and all.

wurwolf: The bus blew up! Chick Publications loves to show stuff blowing up and people getting hurt or killed.

Lita: Why was Bob invited to the crime scene?

wurwolf: He's part of an elite task force.



Lita: He's talking to that dude from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Hunter S. Thompson.

Lita: I think Hunter will really be able to appreciate the upcoming Bible story because he will be able to see it all happening right in front of him.

wurwolf: Bob has the power to project movies with his mind.

wurwolf: Hunter is so dumb. He must not know Bob, because everyone else knows you never give Bob an opening like "Who?"

Lita: He's on drugs. His decision-making skills are limited.

Lita: I like how random people are able to just go check out the burned out husk of the exploded bus. It's not like there's evidence or corpses or anything that the police might want to keep random lookiloos from prodding.

wurwolf: It's part of the tour now.

wurwolf: Nice how tourists in Hawaiian shirts and fishing hats are able to just hang out in front of the Dome of the Rock.



Lita: I thought Hunter might be a cop or something, but now I see Hunter's wife or whoever that is and I see how everybody's dressed and I know this isn't the case.

wurwolf: Let's call her his wife. Is she wearing a helmet?

Lita: I think it's just Prince Valiant hair.

wurwolf: I don't know.... it looks awfully plastic.

Lita: The whole woman looks awfully plastic. She hasn't said anything yet either.

Lita: Maybe Hunter just drags her around so he can drive in the carpool lane.

wurwolf: She very well may be inflatable.

Lita: Were they on the bus when it exploded and God shielded them from the blast because He knew Bob would save their souls? That would have been awesome to show.

Lita: Maybe Hunter survived the blast by hiding behind his fake wife.

wurwolf: Sadly, his fake wife isn't going to protect him from Bob.

wurwolf: In addition to his camera, Hunter carries a purse.

Lita: "Get thee out of thy country... unto a land that I will shew (show) thee." God said "shew"? Where's He from?

Lita: And why is our writer destroying God's holy word by changing the language? I thought that was the work of Satan. Isn't that why we're supposed to read the King James in the first place?

wurwolf: I like how Bob had to make sure we knew that "shew" meant "show". Bob not only talks down to the people there with him, he also talks down to all of us.



Lita: That Jewish guy behind Bob is falling asleep. Much like this tract's readership.

Lita: He accidentally caught some of Bob's monologue as he was strolling by and it affected him instantly.

wurwolf: Hunter's wearing sunglasses so you can't tell that he's asleep, too. His wife is plastic. Her eyes always stay open.



wurwolf: Hunter has removed his hat out of respect for the solution that is causing us problems for 4000 years.

Lita: *gasp*! Hunter's plastic wife speaks! She's a vent figure! Hunter is throwing his voice!

wurwolf: Hunter pulled the string in her back.

Lita: It figures that the wife is fully responsible for all the trouble in the middle east. Damn women.

wurwolf: I'm sure Bob thinks that his wife is fully responsible for all of the trouble in his house.



wurwolf: Sarah looks pissed off. It's your solution, lady! Own it!

Lita: Abraham didn't have to slip it to the Egyptian servant. He knew God promised him a son. But it's still all the wife's fault.

Lita: God told Abraham in the previous chapter that his descendants would get a whole buttload of land. Abraham made a choice not to believe God would keep his promise just as much as Sarah did.

wurwolf: Does it say buttload in the King James version?

Lita: I don't think it does. But I have one of those Satanic non-King James versions.

Lita: I think in the King James it says "ass-load"

Lita: This tract also makes Sarah sound like the bitch for kicking Hagar around. According to my bible Abraham gave her permission. She complained to Abraham that Hagar was being snotty and Abraham replied, "Behold, your maid is in your power; do to her what is good in your sight." (Genesis 16: 5-6)

Lita: Granted, I'm not reading out of a fancy King James Bible.

Lita: But I just read the King James version and it comes out to the same meaning.

wurwolf: Sarah's got the rich bitch hair going on. Did they have salons in the desert back then?

Lita: Hagar looks so innocent and scared in the first panel we see her in, and then immediately she's looking all full of herself in the next panel. That's women for you.

Lita: As soon as they have the forbidden sex they turn all evil.

wurwolf: Sometimes even the bidden sex. You never know with women.

Lita: I bet Sarah's a bitch because she had sex.

wurwolf: If she'd have just kept her legs shut we wouldn't be having a crisis in the Middle East.

wurwolf: You can tell when the artist is getting tired of drawing the comic by how many shadow panels there are.



wurwolf: The angel talking to Hagar looks like Richard Mulligan.

Lita: He's looking at Hagar with such contempt.

Lita: Probably he's noticed that she's a woman.

Lita: I guess the King James just calls Ishmael a wild man. I like my translation better. "He will be a wild donkey of a man."

wurwolf: Again with the hairstyles: I'm trying to figure out that one tourist's hair.

wurwolf: Is it a cap? Also, I can't figure out where the hair ends and Hunter's shirt begins.

wurwolf: You know what, I have to say something here. Everyone gets so down on Sarah because she didn't believe God would provide a son for her, but give her a break. She's 90 years old. Also, it's not like they had a Bible or had known about God for generations like we do today. She and Abraham were pretty new to the whole God thing.

wurwolf: I can understand why it would be difficult to believe and want to take matters into her own hands. Who among us hasn't done that, and we have every benefit available to us.



Lita: I like how "And Hagar gave birth to Ishmael" is right there at the bottom of the angel's speech so that it looks like as soon as the angel finished prophesying her water broke and she just dropped the kid right there.

wurwolf: *PLOP!*

wurwolf: By the way, that baby's mouth is extremely small. He's got a big nose and big eyes and a 40 year old man's hair, but the smallest mouth ever.

Lita: I feel sorry for Ishmael, though. Just think. All your life you've been raised to believe you're going to inherit your father's great nation. You're raised like a prince. And then you're 13, a tough age even if they were considered adults by then, this lady who never liked you gives birth to your half brother and now you're out in the cold.

Lita: Who hasn't heard of a sarcastic teenager? But he cracks one joke and Sarah gets mad and wants to throw him out of the house. And then God backs her up! And now his stupid little brother is going to inherit all this stuff he thought would be his!

wurwolf: That is pretty difficult.

Lita: I can understand why he would be very angry.

Lita: Abraham made a lot of noise about how he loved his son, but then he just throws the boy and his mother out into the desert with some bread and a skin of water. Like, thanks. That'll help.

Lita: God is the one who noticed that Ishmael and his mother were about to die in the desert and showed them where to find water and helped them survive. (This is all in Genesis 21, if anybody wants to read for themselves)

Lita: I'm surprised that the writer didn't mention that God helped Ishmael and his mother to survive in the desert. It seems like an important detail to me. Do they not want us to know that God would help somebody who would one day father all the Muslim nations?

wurwolf: Maybe they want it to look like God's hand is completely against Hagar and Ishmael.

Lita: It just makes God look really cruel. It's not Ishmael's fault that he was born.



wurwolf: I think Saddam Hussein is in the middle of the chanting Ishmaelites.

Lita: It's a post-spider hole Saddam.

wurwolf: He looks like he just slipped into the crowd.



wurwolf: How awesome would it be if they had drawn Isaac throwing up on Abraham while he was tossing him in the air?

Lita: Just like Sims



wurwolf: Some random guy in the back looks really annoyed that Bob is there.

Lita: Look at it from his perspective. He's trying to enjoy his Holy Land instead he has to listen to some American guy yapping.

Lita: He's thinking, "This guy thinks he's such an expert on our culture because he was on the tour bus when it swung by the burned out terrorist bus and the mosque before it stopped by Mc Donalds on its way to our wall here."

wurwolf: Now we're to the part where we're done with the Ishmaelites. It's all Isaac.

wurwolf: Oh wow, this quote says "lovest". How will I know what that means without Bob to translate?



wurwolf: Bob really feels strongly for Abraham here. His eyes have turned black and his neck has gone skinny with rage.

Lita: Maybe Bob had to sacrifice his chihuahua last week and the pain is still fresh for him.

wurwolf: Is Hunter making a grab for Bob's throat?

Lita: "Eyes... rolling back... limbs stiffening... brain... functions... sluggish... Must... make... Bob.... stop... talking!!!"



Lita: Abraham is really disgusted in that next panel. "My God, God!"

wurwolf: He's crying onto Isaac's head. Gross!

Lita: Does Isaac know that he's on the short list for sacrificial stuff? I was under the impression that Abraham didn't tell him until they got there.

Lita: Ah. Isaac doesn't know he's the sacrifice. I guess Abraham crying all over his hair last night wasn't a clue.

Lita: He was all like, "I love you, father!" because he didn't know what else to say in response to his dad totally freaking out.

wurwolf: It's what you say to drunks when they're starting to scare you.

wurwolf: Drunk: I love you soooooooooo much, man! You: Oh, uh..... yeah. I love you too.

wurwolf: The donkey is joining Abraham in his conversation with God. He's making sure Abraham knows that God cannot lie.

Lita: He's a Narnian talking donkey.

wurwolf: It's Puzzle! Good old Puzzle!



wurwolf: I like to think of the next panel as the artist's tribute to the female breast.

Lita: There's even a nipple in the sky.

wurwolf: Also, Abraham looks totally different when he's climbing the mountain with Isaac than when he's saying something that's going to go down as one of the Bible's famous quotes.

wurwolf: Maybe that was taken during a photo op on a different day.

Lita: Glamour Shots did that second one.



Lita: I thought Abraham went to do the sacrifice up on a mountain or something. How come they're hanging out in a marketplace?

Lita: Er... Oh. That's Bob and Hunter and Plastic Wife.

Lita: And an elderly Hitler there in the front.

wurwolf: Hitler found himself a nice little watch cap there.

Lita: Some of these peasants look Eastern European

Lita: Is that a mouse in the corner?

wurwolf: Gee, it's hard to tell but that's what it looks like. So I guess it's just Bob and these two on a tour of the Holy Land. Maybe Bob conducts these tours on the side.



wurwolf: Hunter Thompson and his plastic wife are shocked by what Abraham had to do!

Lita: Plastic wife's eyes are creepily magnified by her glasses.

wurwolf: Can you imagine Isaac telling his friends later on about his wacky dad trying to kill him?

Lita: "You think your dad's a psycho? Mine almost sacrificed me as a burnt offering!"

wurwolf: More lazy shadow-rama artwork.

Lita: God: Ha ha, Abraham. Of course I don't really want you to slay your son, you goof! I was just punking you. I can't believe you were really gonna do it!

Lita: Abraham: Ha ha... That's really some sense of humor you've got there, God... ha ha ha...

wurwolf: The ram is like, Oh shit, what a day to get tangled up in the bushes. This never happens to me.



wurwolf: Bob is losing the Hitler look in favor of Peter Sellers.

Lita: Yep, the Abraham/Isaac thing exactly like the God/Jesus thing. Except for the old switcheroo at the end. Jesus really did die. I can't believe Bob forgot that.

wurwolf: Usually Bob's more thorough.



Lita: Hunter's plastic wife has never heard that Jesus is God before!

Lita: She's only on a tour of the Holy Land!

wurwolf: Really! Why the hell else are they there? Did they hear the hamentaschen were better in Jerusalem?

Lita: Hunter needs to drag her out from under his bed more often.

wurwolf: Hunter's head has swollen up like a balloon.



Lita: Bob is going to explode their heads with his mind if they do not convert RIGHT NOW.

wurwolf: They're thisclose to going all scanners on us.

wurwolf: They look more startled by Bob's preaching than they do by people dying in a burning bus wreckage.



wurwolf: Hunter got a new wife. Either that, or she suddenly gained a ton of weight and lengthened her hair.

Lita: While they're kneeling with their eyes closed some street urchins are going to run by and steal all their bags and cameras and stuff.

wurwolf: Hunter just leaves his camera lying there for anyone to walk off with.

Lita: At least his plastic wife leaned her purse up against her knee so she can feel if somebody takes it. Hunter's a man and he doesn't understand these things. He just left his man purse out in the open.

wurwolf: Bob doesn't care enough to warn him. He just lets it sit out there.

Lita: Bob has no luggage. He needs only God to help him survive in the desert.

Lita: Either that or the urchins have already made off with his stuff.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2001 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

Read more!

Sin City

You knew it was coming. It's time for us to take a look at gays and all the gay things they do in Sin City. As usual, we're only going to post some of the frames, so make sure you click the link and read along if you want to see the whole thing in its original glory.

Lita: Sin City. I didn't see that movie.

wurwolf declines to make the obligatory "I Ain't Gonna Play Sin City" joke.

wurwolf: And by declining to make it, I've made it.

wurwolf: By the way, look at the cover. It says everything about how the author feels about homosexuality. You get dragged into it by evil men against your will, so beware!

Lita: Just like watching Food TV. Nobody really likes Rachel Ray or Sandra Lee or Emeril. Those shows just happen to us.



Lita: Before we get to the dialogue in that first panel, I'd like to take a moment to admire the artwork.

Lita: This is a well-drawn gay pride parade. Whoever drew this knows a lot about the gay community. Kudos, artist!

wurwolf: He really put a lot of effort into it.

Lita: We've got leathermen complete with moustaches, and drag queens, and Europeans, and everybody!

Lita: I especially admire the drag queen on the float wearing a jester's hat and a bra. Her hands are on her hips all like, "No he di'int!"

wurwolf: That drag queen looks better in a bikini than I do. :o(

wurwolf: One question, though: where are the lesbians?

wurwolf: Actually, two questions: what is that person doing to or on the telephone pole?

Lita: Lesbians are ok. I actually heard somewhere that the Bible never actually straight up forbids lesbianism. There's occasional talk about how man shall not lie with man, but it doesn't seem to have an opinion on women lying with women.

wurwolf: What about chicks with dicks? Where does the Bible stand on that?

Lita: I don't know. I haven't ever seen "chicks with dicks" in my concordance.

wurwolf: One of those great mysteries, I guess.

Lita: I'm trying to read the front of the float under Gay Pride. What does it say? "Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, .....?"

Lita: What's that last word? Does it start with an M?

wurwolf: It looks like "mode"? Maybe?

Lita: Transgender mode? I guess so. Wow. This artist knows more about the gay community than I do.

wurwolf: Mooks?

Lita: Maids? Mimes?

Lita: You know, Mimes are an abomination. It says so. In the Bible.

wurwolf: I totally believe that.

Lita: Now the dialogue. "RUN OVER HIM"? "KILL HIM"?

Lita: Do you ever hear about protest-related murders at gay pride parades?

wurwolf: Does the author know any gay people? He always thinks that gays are completely unprincipled, animalistic beings who have no ability to do any good whatsoever.

Lita: I hear more about "Christians" torturing and murdering gays than the other way around.

Lita: I've heard more "Christians" screaming "KILL HIM" and "BURN IN HELL" than I have heard gays screaming at straights.

wurwolf: True dat, yo.

Lita: In fact, if I may digress here, back when I went to Chico State we'd occasionally get some hardcore religious types who would rent time in the free speech area so they could hold up offensive signs and yell rude things at people.
They weren't just yelling at homosexuals, they were yelling at everybody. They yelled at me for daring to educate myself and called us all worthless. (That rankled me, since I don't believe that God made junk, or that Jesus would die for anything worthless. But anyway...) Homosexuals were definitely prominently included in the signs and diatribes, though.
And you know what? There was no violence. Other than the occasional passerby yelling something and then moving on the only screaming was coming from the protesters.
These people were about as offensive as anti-whatever protesters can be, but people let them have their little protest and then got on with their lives.

wurwolf: It is my belief that the author has never been to a gay pride parade. These stories get passed around the religious community.

Lita: They're just untrue. If your argument against homosexuality is so rock solid you shouldn't need to lie to convince people of it.

wurwolf: They may be untrue, but a certain sect of the religious community believes them.

wurwolf: The cop has some nice mascara going on in that third panel.

Lita: He's wearing an earring, too.

Lita: I've never heard of peaceful Christian protesters getting the snot beat out of them by cops at gay pride parades either.

Lita: I do think it's interesting that the white cops are beating a peaceful black man because he committed a "hate crime." I feel like the artist intentionally made that choice, but what is he or she trying to say?

wurwolf: I thought the same thing.

Lita: "While attempting to stop a hate crime, they have committed one themselves." But are they also trying to say that gays are racist?

wurwolf: It's a breakthrough! Gays are just like everyone else!




wurwolf: And, of course, the media's in on it, too.

Lita: There's no way the press would just sit on footage of a bunch of white cops beating the living shit out of an unarmed nonviolent black man.

wurwolf: It would make national news.

Lita: I'm not saying the press would say, "Gay men beat this guy up!" They'd say, "White cops beat up a black man!" Jesse Jackson would be all over it.

Lita: And this guy would not go to jail. If this protester doesn't get a bajillion dollars from the city then he has the worst lawyer in the history of lawyering.

wurwolf: I like the indignant Poindexter standing by his hospital bed.



Lita: Look at all the bandages all over our black man's face. I changed my mind. He would not get a bajillion dollars. He would get eight bajillion.

wurwolf: Does the author know demons by name? Has he been hanging around with Zanah?

Lita: Zanah looks like he's wearing one of those costumes with a mask where the eyes don't line up with yours so you have to peek out of the mouth.

wurwolf: I feel like the artist doesn't put much effort into drawing the demons. Imagine how much more he could do.

Lita: He didn't put much effort into drawing this demon. Usually the demons are a lot cuter.

wurwolf: He did this demon on his Etch-A-Sketch.

wurwolf: No wonder the demon hates people.

Lita: Now that I think about it, our injured black man should get fifty bajillion. The state is trying to force him to change his religion. That's a whole 'nother lawsuit.

Lita: If his lawyer managed to stay awake through even one day of law school our black man will own the whole city of Gaydonia by the end of the comic.

wurwolf: Even if that's how the comic is resolved, you'll still get the stock footage of the Crucifixion.

wurwolf: The artist should have drawn Malcolm's wife with dollar signs over her eyes and a big smile.

Lita: They even named the man Malcolm? Wait a minute... is he... BLACK?

wurwolf: Yes, but they won't give his last name. Let's just call him Malcolm.... X.



Lita: At least Bob is on the case now. The only thing that would have made that panel better is if instead of saying "I'm on my way" he said "Let's roll."

Lita: But what's with is eyes? He looks possessed.

wurwolf: Bob ditched his Hitler look in favor of Data.

Lita: I thought maybe he was trying for Linda Blair.




wurwolf: Oh good heavens. Is Malcolm dead and in the morgue, or does he just have a black headboard?



wurwolf: Usually the bad guys in these tracts are hideous, but the gay cop and the gay guy charging Malcolm with hate crimes are downright good looking.

Lita: It's because they're gay. They care about their appearance. Don't you love that cop's diamond earrings?

wurwolf: He's wearing the understated earrings so they don't clash with his uniform. At home he wears long dangly earrings to go with his evening gown.

wurwolf: Zanah looks like a jack o'lantern there.

Lita: To me he looks like he is inspecting something he just pulled out of his nose and he is not pleased with what he found.

wurwolf: "And I was going to eat this, too!"




wurwolf: The bird is not falling for any of the gay priest's bullshit. He's outta there!

Lita: I would like to know where in the bible it says that Jesus does not love gays. Doesn't he love all people, even the sinners? Where does it say that all sins can be forgiven except homosexuality?

wurwolf: Somewhere in the King James version, I think.

Lita: And don't give me any bullshit about how gay people refuse to become ungay and go forth and sin no more. Wouldn't that mean that any Christian who continues to sin even after accepting Jesus goes to hell?

Lita: Wait... This is a Chick Tract... Probably in this context the answer would be "yes"



wurwolf: Why isn't the gay priest going down on Malcolm in his hospital bed? We all know that gay men are incapable of controlling their sexual urges to function as normal human beings. I find this tract wholly unbelievable.

Lita: I don't buy the Sodom and Gomorrah defense, by the way. But I'll save that for a few more panels.

wurwolf: You know we're going to get to it, with a title like Sin City.




wurwolf: Zanah can't believe the gay priest is going to tell the true story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Like, Oh no, I hate it when he gets this way.

Lita: I really like the artwork in this panel.

Lita: The gay priest is really ugly. But he also looks like somebody. I can't put my finger on who.

wurwolf: Bob Hoskins? A fat Sonny Bono?

Lita: And I like how the demon is peeking out from behind his shoulder.

Lita: He's blushing all embarrassed. It's an "Oops, I just peed myself" kind of look.



wurwolf: I assume that's Bob telling God where Malcolm's room is. The Lord is lucky to have Bob as a personal assistant. I can just imagine God wandering the hallways, opening doors by accident....

Lita: Everybody in Gaydonia will be calling that guy "Lord Malcolm" once his lawyers get through with them.

wurwolf: So Zanah is a spirit that is able to float through closed doors, but corporeal enough to sweat?

Lita: Zanah's not freaking out because he's a demon and Bob's a Christian. Everybody reacts this way when they see Bob coming.

wurwolf: Bob walks up to a picnic and everyone's sitting there thinking, "Oh no, this could ruin everything!"

Lita: His wife sees him coming down the hall and thinks, "Oh no, this could ruin everything!"

Lita: Then she shoves her romance novel under the mattress and settles in for a long night of bible stories.



Lita looks up Ezekiel 16:49, just for fun

Lita: I'll even look it up in King James just to make sure I'm not accidentally looking in an evil Bible.

Lita: "Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fullness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy."

wurwolf: No mention of dudes wanting to get it on with each other?

Lita: Looking at the verses before and after that verse, it's not even an out-of-context thing. That's what it says.

wurwolf: So why didn't they quote that verse word for word, like they do other verses?

Lita: Only Bob gets to quote the Bible word for word.

wurwolf: I like to think that the panel of Malcolm lying in bed is the artist's allusion to the gay priest going down on Malcolm. He's even moaning, "Oh, my head! "



wurwolf: Look out! Bob bursts into the room with a gun!

Lita: Ok, Bob, you bastard. Jude, verse 7? What chapter? I demand you properly cite your sources!

Lita: Oh. There is only one chapter. Heh. Oops. "Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire."

Lita: It says fornication and strange flesh, but it doesn't specify strange male homo flesh.

wurwolf: Could be goats.

Lita: Could be gay goats.

wurwolf: That might warrant destruction by fire.

Lita: God: Goats go to Hell!!! (God drops the Zippo) *fwoom*



wurwolf: Zanah's not one to hang around. He's totally ready to bolt after one quick prayer from Bob.

Lita: Again, it's not because he's a demon. It's just a natural survival instinct when Bob shows up. Poor Malcolm is crippled and cannot escape.

wurwolf: "What happened? Everything's brighter!" Bob likes to flip on the light switch for special effects.

Lita: "We sure ruined lots of kids"? Is that their way of saying that all gays are pedophiles?

wurwolf: Of course all gays are pedophiles. That's why they can't coach Little League or be Boy Scout leaders.




wurwolf: Here we are at the story of Sodom & Gomorrah. Do your stuff!

wurwolf: The same crowd from Noah's time showed up to have sex with the angels.

wurwolf: I guess the confused guy in the middle decided to stay home that night.

Lita: It's true, though. All those men showed up and tried to force the angels to have sex with them. How dare they! If they'd tried to force themselves on the womenfolk, there may still be a Sodom and Gomorrah today.

wurwolf: Maybe the angels looked like chicks.

wurwolf: It looks like the angels bailed on rescuing Lot and his wife and went with rescuing some little kids instead.

Lita: The thing is, yes those men were all gay. But they were also all rapists. To me that's infinitely more sexually immoral and repulsive than homosexuality. How come everybody's latching onto the homo thing and not the rapist thing?

Lita: Couldn't wanting to sleep with anything, willing or not, be considered "giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh"?

wurwolf: Because some people understand wanting to have sex with a woman, even inappropriate sex. What they don't understand is wanting to have sex with another man. And what they don't understand, they hate.

Lita: Or in some cases perhaps they do understand wanting to have sex with another man and it scares them. What people fear, they hate.

wurwolf: That's true as well.


wurwolf: I love the meteor going through the guy's chest. BLAM!

Lita: Men and women went to hell. So there were women in the town. Wouldn't that make all those men bisexual? Maybe God just hates bi's. He wants you to pick a team.

wurwolf: Or were the women just there to work?




Lita: Bob does have a point that it was the cops and the city that committed the hate crime. But since that particular beating would never happen in the real world, it doesn't work as a real world argument against gays.

wurwolf: I'd like to see Bob in a windstorm or after a shower. Do you think his combover hair reaches his shoulder?

Lita: I'd rather not see Bob after a shower.




Lita: Can I think of any other sin where God wiped out a whole city, Bob? Sure. How about rape? How about "pride, fullness of bread, and abundance of idleness"?

Lita: How about the great flood, Bob? How about God telling the Israelites to crush cities who worshipped other Gods, Bob?

wurwolf: What the hell is that next to the gay priest's head? His hobo bag?

Lita: I was wondering that myself.



wurwolf: "That's crazy!" Is this the first time Ray is hearing that Jesus died on the cross and is the Son of God?

Lita: How did he manage to become a priest if he never heard about the cross before? He's wearing a cross on his chest, for crying out loud! Did he never wonder what that was for?

wurwolf: I wonder if Malcolm caught a quick nap while Bob was droning on.

Lita: It's only natural.

wurwolf: See, there's the clip art of Jesus under the tree from the last tract.

wurwolf: Looks like the priest, in addition to seeing the light, has lost a ton of weight!




Lita: Gah! Look at that last picture of the priest! He's frightening!

Lita: God shortened his arms by a few feet!

Lita: And removed his neck!

wurwolf: Wow! God turned him into a ventriloquist's dummy!

Lita: That's what he gets for being gay, I guess.

wurwolf: So at the end of the tract it looks like Ray's biggest sin was not acknowledging the saving work of Jesus, rather than being homosexual. Which is how it should be, of course, but still a surprise for a Chick tract.

Lita: Do you suppose the priest is still gay? Or did God cure him of his gayness right on the spot?

wurwolf: I'm sure he's totally cured of his gayness. It's a really easy thing to do.

Lita: I wonder why all the other gays who fervently pray to God to make them straight aren't "cured."

wurwolf: Need you ask? It's because they don't have the power of Bob's preaching!

wurwolf: Bob can turn off any gay man to men for the rest of his life.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2001 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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It's Coming!

The next tract in our ongoing series is called It's Coming!



Lita: The first thing I'm noticing is that Bob has terrible reception.

wurwolf: He's got a flat screen tv, but a computer from the 1950's?

Lita: Is Bob getting a call from Dinosaur Man?

wurwolf: Yup, Jason calls Bob to talk about the weather, and Bob uses it as a springboard to foist his beliefs on him.

Lita: Figures he'd be fool enough to think he can make any kind of innocent off-hand remark around Bob.

wurwolf: Dinosaur Man is just asking for it, really.

wurwolf: Does Bob go around talking to people all the time about that crazy flood?

Lita: I guess so.



Lita: I feel for Jason, though. I have insane cousins too.

Lita: Not scary screechy cross-eyed cousins with badass be-turtlenecked boyfriends, but they are insane.

wurwolf: She looks really insane. As usual, the villain is crazy with anger.

wurwolf: Is Jason angry with his cousin or agreeing with her? It could go either way.

Lita: He looks resigned to his fate to me.

wurwolf: Jason and his cousin are sharing the tiniest umbrella ever. I think it's a parasol, actually.

Lita: Bob answers his door like the world's happiest lumberjack.

wurwolf: I like how she needs to know if that's Bob. You're going to his house, aren't you?

Lita: I like the cousin's hair, though. Stylish.

Lita: So. Bob says it's been proven that the world is only 6,000 years old. But by whom? Is anybody going to bother to actually find that book plugged at the bottom of the panel?

wurwolf: And it's a book that was published by Chick Publications, not an unbiased source.



Lita: Uh oh. Check it out. The cousin is taking... college courses...

Lita: dun dun DUUUUUNNNNN!!!!

wurwolf: Life Sciences, huh? That sure sounds suspicious, in a vague way.

wurwolf: And you know what, she's saying the same things that Bob says: "You're a little mixed up. You need help. I want you to listen to me." Isn't that what Bob tells people all the time?

Lita: Look at her skinny skinny skeletal arm. Little old lady? Life-threatening illness? Eating disorder?

Lita: It's like a witch arm.

wurwolf: Well, she's taking Life Sciences. A witch arm would be entirely possible.

wurwolf: "It's mythology, man!" That proves she's someone who doesn't know what she's talking about.

Lita: Really, I can't root for the cousin or for Bob here. They both like to bust into other people's houses to berate them for their beliefs.

wurwolf: They deserve each other, those two crazy kids.

Lita: I hope both of them end up completely adopting the other person's system of faith. I hope they then feel obligated to re-convert the other back to what they believed before. I hope that in this way they will do battle until the end of time.

wurwolf: That would be awesome.

wurwolf: Dinosaur Man tries to intervene between these two titans, but his cousin is having none of it. "Who cares!"

Lita: "Who cares!" Just look at the bitchface on Janet. She speaks for all of us.

Lita: She totally looks like Helen Hunt right there.

Lita: I guess Dinosaur Man was the guy in the car with Janet. I thought he was a different guy because of the coat. I called him her boyfriend.

Lita: I guess his being her cousin doesn't rule out his being her boyfriend. That's legal in many parts of the country. I wonder if Bob approves.

wurwolf: I don't see why he wouldn't. Cousins married each other in the Bible. Jacob married Rachel and Leah.

wurwolf: Does Bob live in a hotel lobby? His living room is kind of bare.

Lita: I think Bob has inflatable furninture. the dotted lines indicate to me that it's see-through.

Lita: Check the picture of corrupted men there!

wurwolf: I think they took that picture on Halloween night.

Lita: I think I see a pirate and a triclops and some kissing ugly dudes

Lita: And a ninja and a monk and an Asian guy

wurwolf: I think there's a werewolf in there, too.

Lita: And a witch.

Lita: But I don't think that guy in the middle is actually evil. He just looks confused. Like, "Where the hell did all these freaks come from all the sudden?"

wurwolf: "I was just sitting down to watch American Idol, and all of a sudden I'm surrounded by this!"

Lita: Just like me when I visit my cousins.

wurwolf: Noah's handsome like Charlton Heston, though.

Lita: Noah is hot.

wurwolf: I'm going to point out every time the author misspells judgment. Here's the first.

Lita: I admit I prefer the author's way.

wurwolf: Bob's font changes when he quotes the Bible. I wonder if he's putting on a different voice.

Lita: The whole Bible is there for the taking and he chooses to directly quote the dimensions of the ark?

Lita: Maybe next he could prove the age of the Earth by reciting all the geneology verses.

wurwolf: Noah's got a well lit draft room there. Very nice.

Lita: Check it out! Pterodactyls or however they're spelled!

wurwolf: The artist loves the pterodactyls. They're shoehorned in everywhere.

wurwolf: You'd think that every bird in the world is going to be trying to perch on top of that ark in the flood.

Lita: Noah chucked a bunch of broken bottles up there to keep them off. This was before the EPA and PETA.

wurwolf: Oh no! Janet is choking on her gum! Someone help her out!

Lita: Dinosaur Man is just as baffled by her reaction as the rest of humanity.

Lita: I mean that he, like humanity, is baffled by her reaction. Not that her reaction baffles him as much as humanity does.

Lita: Though that could also be true.

wurwolf: Let's face it, though, Dinosaur Man gets baffled easily.

Lita: I wouldn't think some Commie liberal college educated athiest 90's power woman is going to be going on about Mother Earth. That's more of a hippy line.

wurwolf: That's too New Age for her.



wurwolf: The "high level of civilization" looks a lot like the pictures of old Mesopotamia.

wurwolf: Fu Manchu and Elvira are thinking about doing it in front of their pet monkey.

Lita: That guy is evil, so he gets a totally rad scar on the side of his head. He got it through evil works.

Lita: Maybe by going at it in front of the monkey.

Lita: You have to be careful how you behave in front of monkeys. They don't even like you to look at them.

wurwolf: Avoiding eye contact is key.

wurwolf: Another reminder that God created the nipple. Why is that so important to the artist?

Lita: I really don't understand this thing about God dividing the waters and placing a giant canopy of water around it on day 2

Lita: Or how that helped people live to be 900.

wurwolf: It's manly scientific stuff, honey. You're not supposed to understand it.

Lita: Well, science is bad...

wurwolf: That's the spirit.

Lita: Awwww!!! I want to go on the triceratops ride!!!

wurwolf: Okay, I'm confused by that panel. It looks like the kid is on a statue of a triceratops.

wurwolf: It's like the statues in the zoo, and he climbed up and wants his picture taken.

Lita: It is the desire of all kids, when they see a statue of a triceratops, to climb it. I have done so myself.

wurwolf: And you know what else? For all the pre-flood advanced civilization talk, I don't see anyone driving around in cars or flying an airplane.

Lita: Who needs an airplane when you can fly on a pterodactyl?

wurwolf: Good point.

wurwolf: There are more dinosaurs than regular animals going on that ark.

Lita: Did Noah really need to bring a hippo on the ark? Don't they pretty much live in the water anyway?

Lita: I probably needn't point out that the hippo is smaller than that zebra's butt.

wurwolf: Hippos were tiny back then.

Lita: I don't know what that thing is behind the mastadon, but it looks like it's just poking out of the top of the mastadon's head.

Lita: I figured we were going to find out that dinosaurs died out in the flood, but I guess not. Looks like Noah brought them aboard.

Lita: Yet he would not save the unicorn. :o(

wurwolf: The door on the ark looks really high up. If the door was meant to reach the ground like a ramp, then it would be a really steep ramp.

Lita doesn't have much to say about the next row

Lita doesn't have much to say about the row after that either

wurwolf: Me neither. Let's skip down to after the flood and the whirlpools, because I'm totally calling bullshit on the claim that their skeletal remains are our fossils of today.

Lita: I'm just entranced by that archaeologist and his huge bone.

Lita: But tell me about the fossils.

wurwolf: I could buy that, except that the only fossils that paleontologists are finding are dinosaur skeletons. So what happened to the people and other mammals?

wurwolf: Why aren't they finding those skeletons?

Lita: God hated those people so He crushed them into a fine powder.

Lita: He didn't tell us about that part because we don't need to know everything.

wurwolf: I guess not.

wurwolf: I love the cartoon archeologist. I expect him to be saying, "Dr. Livingston, I presume?"

Lita: He looks so happy and relieved. Like, "Oh, thank God I found a bone! Now I can get out of this heat!"

Lita: He just needed to find one bone so he can go back to the archaeology convention and the other archaeologists wouldn't laugh at him.

wurwolf: He was one step away from buying a bone at a butcher's shop, just to save face.

wurwolf: I like how the rainbow and the promise of not destroying the earth by water is tempered by "....the next time it will be by fire."

wurwolf: Let's not leave on a high note!

wurwolf: Bob's look has been creeping me out, but never more so than in the next panel. Is he trying to look like Hitler?

Lita: It's the hair and the moustache. He's been giving me a Hitler vibe since we met him.

wurwolf: This tract is only meant for the superior race.

Lita: I don't understand the artist's choice there. How could they not notice the similarity?

wurwolf: You'll see in future tracts that they recycle that picture of Jesus standing under a tree, just like they recycle the crucifixion picture.

wurwolf: It's clipart, like mnftiu or Get Your War On.

wurwolf: Oh no! The cousin is choking again! What's with the violence against women?

Lita: Why does she immediately believe that Bob is telling the truth and that the professors are lying? I guess a mere difference in opinion is out of the question.

Lita: I guess Janet really is related to Dinosaur Man.

wurwolf: They're going to make really guillible babies.

Lita: Guillible babies with thin blood.



wurwolf: Her hair is a mess by the end of the tract.

Lita: And I liked her hair so much at the beginning.

wurwolf: She looks better coming in from a rainstorm than she does after a session with Hitler Bob.

Lita: Wouldn't we all?

wurwolf: It's Jesus or evolution. Seriously? I've known Christians who believe that evolution is part of God's plan. I guess they're going to hell.

Lita: "Lord Jesus save me. I've been so wicked."

Lita: The worst sin we were told about was taking college courses and believing her professors.

Lita: I guess no more higher education for her.

wurwolf: Nope, her education at the hands of those liberal college professors is done.

Lita: But at least she's at an age-appropriate grade-level... Jason

wurwolf: Yeah.... Jason.

(All the comic panels are copyright Chick Publications 2000 and the images were used according to Fair Use laws in the US.)

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